Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I would have asked why, if he's decided his girl is dull, he's going through with the wedding? What will his marriage consist of, if he already finds her dull?

Other than that.... like the posts above said!

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

So glad to hear you you have decided to start therapy. We don't view you as any of those negative things you said in an earlier post, but rather as someone who could use a little help. I really believe therapy is your best shot at developing a healthy, lasting friendship with Andy. I wouldn't mention therapy to Andy as he obviously isn't going to be supportive. Let the therapist guide you on how to deal with such issues with Andy.

I'm also glad to hear you are investigating groups to become involved with. The group you mentioned may not be the right group for you based upon what has been posted, but I'm sure there are other groups that are right for you. Just keep searching and don't be discouraged.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,
you are an abused spouse/friend and you are an enabler. You assist in your own abuse and destruction. This is not unique to you. But you really need out of this soap opera, out of these cycles of abuse...

The choice is yours, to be free from pain, or keep enabling the pain.

Do the therapy. Liberate yourself.

The past few days were pretty cool with Andy, we were back to our 4 hour plus talks for 3 nights in a row...we talked about tons of gay stuff...we talked even about his wedding...and I swear I was being good...being mature about it...we talked again last night...and he said that by his wedding hes going to be in the best shape of his life...he also, a few minutes later joked around about my eight and saying jokes..that I initially laughed at but eventually got me down..I told him and he profusely apologized...and then he called me at 8am saying he was having a panic attack.

I told him a few days ago my feelings on the wedding..that its hurtful to me and painful and I dont know if I can be there...as its a symbol of him moving on without me...he listened and seemed to be ok with it..he didnt press it but seemed to understand.

But I have to admit...once he made those comments I immediately pulled back from our talk and closed up...how I used to be. I know hes not hateful and he truly does love me to death..but he has a habit of opening his mouth without thinking.

His birthday is tomorrow, yeah New Year's Day..he is turning 29.

I do miss him so much..but not when he acts like this...I dunno.

Vegas

 

[tpeezy101]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

What do you mean by your "eight?"

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Sorry...typo...my "weight".

 

[tpeezy101]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

LMAO, ok.

But yea, what'd he say? The only thing I can tell you is just to brush it off. If you don't love yourself first and foremost, no one else will.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Spent New Year's Eve alone last night, but that wasnt a surprise...I fully expected to. A friend I was supposed to go see Rocky with bailed on me, and never called me back. I called but he never picked up and he deleted two of my emails to him. So I went to the movie alone, which was a little depressing....seeing all friends and couples together.

My brothers spent New Year's with their friends.

Andy called a quarter after midnight...and I just started crying out of nowhere and wailing...he said his day wasnt much better.

He said he would call back but he didnt.

I called and left him a message saying that I need to take a break from everything and everyone in my life for a little while and clear my head...meanwhile I really just meant him.


Resolution

Nothin' but an empty page
Breathin' in an open space
Captured by your moments grace again
There's so much I left behind
Even more that waits in time
Everything's so undefined
I'm standin' on the edge of my fear
And I see it clear

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is
Along this road
And I just wanted to be the best man
I can be
Breathe
It's my resolution

Livin' life without a plan
Findin' soul is where I stand
Learnin' how to love again
And all I want is somethin' real
That I can feel

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is
Along this road
And I just want to be the best man
I can be

Cause here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is
Along this road
And I just want to be the best man
I can be
Breathe

It's my resolution
My resolution


Brian

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andy has been calling my cell and home phone for about an hour now, about 25 times...its hard not to pick up the phone and talk...but Im just not in the mood...Not in the mood to hear him say what he was doing last night that he couldnt call back...to say that he needs anymore money...to tell me anything.

Am I doing the right thing? I just need a break...maybe a week or two..I mean I will call him when I know his cell is off and leave a message or two in the next few weeks saying all is ok and I hope all is ok with him..but I don't want to speak to him...at least not now...because when I speak to him, thats when I start developing feelings for him, because we get too deep.

So...am I doing a dumb thing?

Brian

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

25 times in an hour – that is pretty incredible.

You are not doing the wrong thing.

I know I said in another thread that my life is fucked up, and I have no right to give you advice on this, but I do have an outside perspective and have been willing to look at this from different angles. Look, I have been taking a contrarian position, trying to think up what you can do (how you could contort yourself emotionally) to save as much of this relationship as possible. But I’ve thrown in the towel, along with most other people here (I imagine). This friendship is no longer good for you. It has been at such a high financial and emotional cost to you, and in my view what you can expect in return will not repay your efforts. It’s become clear that you won’t be rewarded by Andy leaving his girl for you, and while I’m certain that Andy was a great and supportive and necessary friend to you even a year or two ago, that’s been changing, partly because you have made such progress in your life and no longer need that support, partly because Andy is totally absorbed in his own messes for the foreseeable future.

It probably feels like playing psychological games not wanting to pick up his calls, but you desperately need some space and room to think. Do you have any chance of getting out of NY before school starts again?

If Andy is moving back to NY, then hopefully he will no longer be so dependent on you. He’s demonstrated that he could survive in NY and hold down a job in the past (unlike Las Vegas).

The wedding is half a year away, and you could feel very different by then. If I were you I would make an effort to go, if you don’t things could well end on an angry and bitter note. But I definitely agree that you shouldn’t be his best man, given your feelings and what a jerk he has been about this. It is really good that you are being open to him about how you feel about the wedding.

I have nothing more to say. Look, from another continent your prospects, personal and otherwise, look really good – the only real risk I see to them is if you let Andy drag you down. I can see that you’ll want to back off this tread as well, but do let us know how things go – you’ve given a big part of yourself in these posts, and they’ve really helped people like me think about things and also dig into ourselves, thanks heaps.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks for the reply Hansen...I think it will be fitting to end this thread a year from when it began(February)
, dont you think?

Well let me tell you...I have been opening myself up socially. There is this girl my age at work who is going through a similiar thing..only shes in love with a guy...and her advice to me was to cut contact off for 2 months...and thats what she has started to do in her situation. Her name is Latoya and she works with me...she called last night and we talked and I felt a little better talking to her. We agreed we both need a better 2007 and to talk more and to hang out more. She knows about my situation, except that Im gay and Im in love with a guy(I didnt tell her those things yet)...but shes very open and has gay friends of her own..She said she would come with me to the wedding in June if I want..she said she would help me through it...I will definitely come out to her with the whole story soon. We both agreed that anytime we are feeling down about our "loves" or feel the need to keep wanting to call them, that we call each other first. I told her she better have a damn good calling plan.

Secondly, while walking Dante two weeks ago I met another guy(the other one I have not seen at all around) and he had the same breed dog as me...etc..He is straight and has a girl and they just moved into the area and the apt building across the street from me...hes VERY into dogs and shit, had me questioning at first his sexuality..but hes an NYPD officer..my age. He gave me his number if I wanted to talk anymore about the dogs...he suggested we walk our dogs together at the same time everynight..and we met about 3 times already...so that could be a potential friend too.

Andy knows about the cop friend and already he asked if Im replacing him with this new guy...I told him of course not.

Anyway, Andy called about ten more times..and I picked up. After all, it is his birthday..and to be honest I dont agree with my friend Latoya's plan for MYSELF..it seems to work with her. But I know I just cant cut off contact, cold-turkey with someone like Andy.

What I REALLY need to do is to work on this shit while Im still talking to Andy.

Anyway he was extremely down..he said the reason he didnt call back last night was because he went to bed early. We both were very quiet. I told him this year I need to look more out for me...and that doesnt mean neglecting everybody..that just means focusing more on me..he said he was down and angry, not at me, but this whole situation.

I told him I was going to go and he said to call him later.

Vegas

P.S.-I sort of feel odd/guilty when people say its hard to read this thread...or they give up...or they dont know what to tell me...or they are throwing in the towel. I know its a constant up or down that needs to end. And I guess on some leve its hard for whoever reads this...and probably more annoying to a lot of readers. I dont know if its people who are sickened by the fact that Im going through this with a straight guy or even if they can relate. I just started and continued this thread to help me through shit...and it has. It really has. So thanks for all the support and for hanging in there. The thread will end soon, trust me

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Sorry, I’d forgotten it was his birthday today, I guess he can expect you to talk to him. (But 25 calls in one hour!)

When I said ‘throw in the towel’, all I meant was that I had invested a lot emotionally into the idea of this friendship continuing at past levels of intensity (I can identify with both of you in key respects) but I finally realised that that was stupid. And yes, once I realised that I was relieved, because it was taking a lot out of me reading and posting to this thread when I had those hopes. But although I have ‘given up’ on Andy (with a heavy heart – he’s a poor guy), I haven't stopped caring about your situation. Please don’t feel bad about posting, if people don’t want to read your thread they don’t have to.

It’s really good to hear that you are making other friends that share your interests and that you can talk to.

I realise you don’t want to ‘cut off’ Andy while you adjust, the only problem is that he has a track record of making huge demands on your time and emotions and it will make it that much harder if you are always available to talk to him.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well Im hoping to get a life..so that way I wont have that much time to give Andy. And secondly, I am hoping therapy will help. Thanks hansen!!

Brian

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey, came home early from work, was throwing up and shit and I wasnt comfortable so I came home. Im a little better now.

Andy called me..hes about to begin moving as we speak into his apt in the same complex.

TTYL Bri

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, Buddy!

I, for one, of many I'm sure, would really like to see this thread keep going! It doesn't have to always center around You and Andy. More importantly, it can also center around YOU, and everything else! What I mean is ... Andy isn't so much the "Great Concern" that he used to be, I think He's become more "understood", and I think that's a "Good Thing"!, but YOU are very much, still, of Interest!
I've really enjoyed your "expansions" including your Family, your "Kids", Dante's "discovered friends", and, now, Latoya, too! I like hearing about YOU!
So ... I'm hoping that even after February (It's been a Year, already? ), that You'll keep posting and stay in touch with "Us"! Here's to hoping that this New Year will bring much more Happiness, Enjoyment, and Pleasure to Your Life!!

And ... no matter what ... sincerely ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[RicanDAB]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Bri,

A New Year, and certainly a New You ... glad to hear you're on the right track to taking charge of your life.

I join Kyanimal in believing that you should not stop this thread. In fact, I would actually like to see you start a new thread and have this one closed as a rite of passage into the new direction you're taking this year. Your new direction is much more different now that it was a year ago with the original title "Undying love for my best friend" ... you have to admit you're a different man now than you were in post #1.

Just make sure to let us know here were you are gonna go

 

[tomind]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian

I began reading your story and thought it would be just a few pages and then I realized that it was 36 pages and so I read a bit of it and had to share my opinion. I have a best friend of mine and he and I have been friends for 31 years and I have always wished he and I could be together but he is straight and I am gay and it is not going to happen. I am glad you finally had the talk with him and I had to do the same thing and before I could even tell him he said no matter what it was he wanted me to know that he loved me like a brother and he would always be there and he has been.

I really hope you can move on from this experience and find a love of your own and be happy.

 

[dalton41]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

To be honest I have harbored a crush on him since day one. Even through the friendship and even now that we consider ourselves brothers..I am very much into him...and ache when hes not around and there...Sometimes, I think I get a sense from him that he might be bi or gay..but I dunno..something also tells me maybe its my mind working agaisnt me and its just wishful thinking...consider the following..

Vegas, my heart absolutely goes out for you and I wish only the best for you. When I read your post, it sort of reminded me about my situation in some way. I post on another thread on here about my friend (co-worker)that I got very close to last year and we wound up going to NYC together for 3 days and this past November, to Florida. In between, we have gone to other places nearby. NYC was absolutely the best time we've had together and it wasn't so much about having sex, there was none. It was emotional. I've never seen him with a girl except that he told me he had a girlfriend at one time and he was not seeing one at the time. So I thought he might have been bi. I've kissed him on several occassions before our trip when going out for dinner and I've told him that he was the center of my life.

I faced the same problem as you, should I tell him how I feel? The last day in NY, I did let him know. At that time, he could have denied he was gay or bi, but he didn't. He told me that he really appreciated what I told him and that he was not ready for a relationship.

In June, I've noticed that a student worker in my department was making the moves on him and I was very jealous to the point that I've found every negative thing that I could on her. I suspected that she was a gold digging bitch and the only reason she wants him, so she could get "special" treatment from others. According to the student handbook, students are discouraged from engaging in a relationship with staff and faculty.

I can not tell you how much that hurts just seeing them together. Though the times we spent together was unforgettable, I was able to tell him about her online dating crap and how she is trying to find more men while at the same time going with him. He knows it. Even though she slacked off this past fall, she's right back at it again. I hate her for using him that way and he knows I resent her.

She's a thorn in my side and she is also a thorn for several others at work, including computer support services. I confided in a co-worker of mine about this situation of mine because of his experience of this woman and during the holidays he asked me about if my friend and I were an item. I could have said no and that would be dishonest and since it was never an issue in the past, I told him the truth. He understood, no problem.

I found the man I could spend the rest of my life with and I can be absolutely honest with him. He knows that and that is the greatest feeling in the world. But the bitch has to go.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey all...I took off the rest of the week because Im too stressed and I wanted to focus more on my health which has been declining recently. I came home early from work yesterday and slept from 2pm until 5am. I was knocked out.

I just got a call from Andrew...his girl came home early yesterday and took off today because they are both moving from the old apt to the new apt. He said hes stressed because the guy who got evicted left so much stuff in the apt, that they had to clean in on top of moving their stuff in., The place is ok, but there is no closet space...so they had to buy some closet shit...and they had to pay DOUBLE the security...so that took most of the money I lent him...hes fishing around for more money saying how stressed he is about money...and I have not taken the bait. Im coming to the conclusion that I will never be with Andy...but he also needs to stop relying on me so much like we are a couple....its his mess now for him and his girl to get out of. Im tired of it..and have use of the money for me.

Anyway thats it for now, ttyl. Brian

P.S.-Tomid and Dalton thanks for the replies and personal stories and advice.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Whoa!

In most states, anything not cleaned out before they move in is the landlord's responsibility, and they can hire someone to clean it and give the landlord the bill. As a former assistant manager for apartments, I'm horrified that any landlord would be so trashy!


Pondering the Andy situation, something came to me: some people who hang onto an impossible love end up closed off to love, convinced at a gut level that love will never be returned. I'd hate to see you go that way, dude.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Kul Im learning to let go. Its a process but I am.

Andy called me minutes ago. He was crying so bad that I couldnth ear him. Everything doesnt work in his apt...his girl was out getting a closet and they were screaming on the phone. He said he misses me so much and it hurts. He said Im like an angel and that he really is inspired by me. That he can come to me and I can always make him smile no matter what hes going through.

He goes, "I realize now who respects me and is there for me..and I think you are the only one that loves me and cares for me. Im not naming names, but there are some that are really close to me that are really not that close to me."

I go, "Andy what about your mom, and me, and your dad and your girl...we all love you and respect you.."

He goes, "You love and care for me more than my own girl...and thats true. I dont even cry to her about anything anymore, its not worth it...she doesnt even care..you are the only one who cares..."

I go, "bro thats pretty heavy to say about your girl...you cant mean that.."

He goes, "bro, its what I feel and its coming from my mouth, so thats what I feel.."

I reminded him a quote from the movie ROCKY BALBOA(he loves all the Rocky's):

"Its not about winning...it's about how hard you get hit and keep on going back for more.."

We both shared a laugh or two an I made him smile a little.

I told him I had to go but he could call me all night.

TTYL Brian