Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian,

Just a quick post to say that I hope you are doing OK.

How is the therapy going? Is he/she a psychologist or psychiatrist? If you don't feel like you have a good rapport or connection, you might want to shop around. It is really important to trust the person from whom you are seeking assistance.

Also - from your last few posts, it really sounds like you have progressed in a positive way. I know that it doesn't seem like it from your end of the stick, however, when one goes through loss or grief, they usually traverse all of the seven stages of emotions -

Shock or Disbelief, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression, and last of all -
Acceptance and Hope

The last few posts sound like anger/depression, and having read MUCH of this thread, you have been through it all my friend. Hopefully, you can continue to process your emotions with the help of those around you - it is really hard for anyone to go through what you have been through on your own.

Take care.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Oh oh, I am not the one who called him a fucking psychopath.....there's a freudian slip.

As well I am only recommending keeping the money tap turned off. It seems to be what he's still after. I don't believe it is your love he's after although it does appear that he really gets off on knowing the degree of control he has over you.

Frankly he sounds like a total loser in about a hundred different ways and if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't put up with his crap.

...and there you go, you at least recognize that you need a life, that's a good start....just remember that it is a life that shouldn't rely on a crippling obsession with someone like Andy.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Been going through a lot in my head, will talk mostly in therapy this week.

But I think tomorrow I am going to talk to Andrew about my feelings that I have been having and maybe I can work it out.

Andrew and I talked for 3 hours last night and he re-iterated how his life cannot go on without me.

I'm going to have to tell him that my feelings resurfaced...or should I just keep it to myself?

BRIAN

Brian,

I would discuss these issues with your therapist and not bring them up to Andy. Whenever you bring something up to Andy that is threatening, his natural defense mechanism kicks in and he starts saying the stuff that causes you issues. Unfortunately what is threatening to Andy is not normal and his defense mechanism is also off. Since the two of you are so co-dependent, you really need to stay away from discussing these types of issues. Concentrate on the therapy and things will get better.

 

[trawler69]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I probably shouldn't say this but I will say that, in my view, Andrew is a mental bully, manipulating your emotions to try to get money out of you and he is very good at it and doesn't seem to care for the problems he is causing you. You will, quite naturally, deny this so I probably shouldn't have bothered posting but I have read the thread from beginning to here and that is my opinion anyway.

I hope the therapy helps you.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I probably shouldn't say this but I will say that, in my view, Andrew is a mental bully, manipulating your emotions to try to get money out of you and he is very good at it and doesn't seem to care for the problems he is causing you. You will, quite naturally, deny this so I probably shouldn't have bothered posting but I have read the thread from beginning to here and that is my opinion anyway.

I hope the therapy helps you.

Hey man, thanks for your opinion, it is one that I have had already a few times....bully was not the word I used, but maybe a head game player, manipulation of emotions and feelings...knowing my weak spots and such. Thanks for your opinion and support/well wishes bro...Brian

 

[_tazz_]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey man, thanks for your opinion, it is one that I have had already a few times....bully was not the word I used, but maybe a head game player, manipulation of emotions and feelings...knowing my weak spots and such.

So Brian, if you know all that, let me ask you a question.

What is it that you like about Andy exactly? Explain us in words please because I just can't get my head around it. He gives nothing in this friendship (and he won't ever be your lover), only takes takes takes sucking you dry AND you KNOW it! Day after day he keeps saying the same emotionally addicting things ("Brian, I love you more than my future wife...") that keep you obsessed with him and he KNOWS by saying these things he can control you. At the very least he's trying that constantly (even if you don't necessarily fall for it anymore). It's all just words, nothing beyond. Man, at the beginning of this thread when someone mentioned he's using you for the first time I didn't want to believe it but I have to tell you... I've gone from actually quite liking this charming Andy to... Well, I don't think you want me to even word it. But the picture I have of him now is very much the opposite.

Andy has no balls. He treats his future wife like shit and I hope she'll wake up soon and leave him. Right now that man is a total disaster for everyone who welcome him in their lives. He needs to look in the mirror and grow up. Although, I'm not sure if you can ever change his manipulative personality type.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thank goodness more people are lining up to tell you that Andy is an addiction no different from alcohol and crack and maybe even worse for you.

I can't believe your therapist hasn't seen through Andy's little money grubbing, mind fucking games and told you to give away your cell phone and put as much distance between the two of you as possible because this jerk is going to be the death of you...if not literally then emotionally.

He's also should be in therapy although I suspect someone else would have to foot the bill.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks you all for you input. I read them all...and seriously take in what you have to say. Really, I do.

What do I like about Andrew? Despite his faults(and no I am NOT defending him at all) he is such a nice person and great friend. I cannot really express it here, but when we used to hang alone and go for drives/walks which was constant in the past few years...we would talk about so many things. He is truly a third brother to me, family...and the one that has cared for me more than any other person in my life.

I think I fell in love with him because of that...he was the first person and guy more importantly that gave a damn about me. That showed me love and affection and tenderness....that despite his faults and mine still saw ME and still loved and cared for ME. He cared for me and understood me and hung out with me, despite what his friends were telling him. He saw in me someone that changed his life...and he changed mine as well. He got me out of my depression for the most part at the time and he showed me life again. He got me out of my shell, taught me to lower my shield, that not everyone is untrustworthy.

I notice the shift in responses becoming negative to Andy...and I cannot say that I disagree. Even though we have this rare, unusual, great dynamic between us...I do have to step back and think...is he actually liking the fact that he has TWO people in his life that care for him more than anyone on this planet...is he liking the fact that he can get sexual pleasure from her...and intellectual/emotional fulfillment through me? Does he like the fact that he knows I am always there for him....is he somehow turned on by the fact that he as two people who are madly in love with him? Does he keep this love I have for him alive in both our minds by saying sweet things to me??

I have been thinking more and more about these things, yes.

Yesterday he called a few times and I was in a funk. So I came off a little cold.

I told him I would call later but I did not. I actually wanted a good nights rest for once and actually got it. He did not call me. That is until 9am my time. I got 6 calls on my cell, 3 on my phone. Eventually he left a message on both saying he is driving around and he feels so bad, and that there is always a special place for me in his heart and he misses me....I did not pick up. It was nice to hear his voice though.

Let me just say that although you guys are right with some stuff...I must tell you, for what it is worth, that Andrew is and always will be a great friend. He has his faults...but you also have to realise he is a depressed guy also and he has his demons he lives with. Some of which he has been apologetic for and some of which he has yet to overcome.

TTYL guys and thanks, Brian

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Had some nice conversations with Andrew, which I will tell in more detail in another post, that made me realise more than ever that we will never be and the fact that maybe staying in NY might be better for me.

Lastly, Andy's mom called today to talk about many things, one of which is the fact that her son has serious problems with getting married and that hes more comfortable than in love with his fiancee...kind of powerful and true, if not only his best friend and brother thinks this, but his very own mother also.

TTYL, BRIAN

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Just got off the phone with Andrew. He called me 3 times today, but in this call I decided to get a little deep. He said he is lost and confused. I kept poking and prodding.."Bro you keep saying this...what are you confused and lost about?"

"Just everything," he says.

I told him that I think at the core of his soul he is unhappy. I told him maybe another time we can talk about why you are so down and lost and confused.

He goes, "I know what you are going to say.."

I go what?

"That I'm unhappy in my relationship...it is not that, it is anything but that...it is the decisions I made and continue to make, it is you not being here, it is everything.."

I was like ok. Whatever. Looks like my mind is all but totally made up about how and when and where to begin my life. I'm fucking fed up with this shit.


YOU GUYS WERE ALL RIGHT...HOW CAN I HAVE POSSIBLY FOOLED MYSELF INTO THINKING ANYTHING...WHAT A WASTE OF TIME I PUT FORTH...HOW STUPID COULD I POSSIBLY BE?? YOU GUYS WARNED AND WARNED AND WARNED ME...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

Ttyl.......Brian

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Lastly, Andy's mom called today to talk about many things, one of which is the fact that her son has serious problems with getting married and that hes more comfortable than in love with his fiancee...kind of powerful and true, if not only his best friend and brother thinks this, but his very own mother also.

TTYL, BRIAN

The signs have been there for months, dude. But will he show wisdom now?
If I were in your shoes, I'd wonder if any of the people doubting the marriage will work have said a word to him. For my part, I'd point out my concerns, and leave it in his court.
You've got enough hurt, here; distance yourself firmly before it gets worse.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks Kul, will have to not only distance myself, but will also have to focus strongly on my life and starting it here. Thanks..........Brian

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian -

That's what happens when you fall in love, and it happens to the best of us. It's a life lesson to be learned, and you take from it - BOTH the positive and the negative - and make yourself better. It also helps you figure out what works for you and what doesn't in your relationships - whether it be a partner, friend, family, etc.

Take care!

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Yay....I am so pleased to hear that you are going to focus on building a positive and happy future, free from being used so badly by him.

It is time to let him just get on with sorting himself out without everybody else doing the heavy lifting for him.

I am hopeful that you can create an full and interesting life for yourself in NY and wish you all the best.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks Rare...much appreciated. Brian

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

YOU GUYS WERE ALL RIGHT...HOW CAN I HAVE POSSIBLY FOOLED MYSELF INTO THINKING ANYTHING...WHAT A WASTE OF TIME I PUT FORTH...HOW STUPID COULD I POSSIBLY BE?? YOU GUYS WARNED AND WARNED AND WARNED ME...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

Ttyl.......Brian

Brian, Buddy ...

Nothing wrong with YOU! If anything, there may be too much RIGHT about You!

Sometimes, it is quite possible, unfortunately, to harbor a bit too much Hope, too much Faith, and even too much Love, for someone in our lives. I certainly wouldn't consider any of that a shortcoming in ourselves. It is, by no means, our fault when those "special" people eventually end up disappointing us, and those around them. And when we realize that they may not be totally deserving of all that we had granted them, I would not consider that having been a "stupid" thing!

Yes, I have been there. My heart has opened to the wonderful qualities I felt/saw in someone else, and, at the same time, blinded me to those things about them that I should have seen as warning signs. I have been overwhelmed by the cental "Goodness", that I experienced/sensed, in those that still represented some danger to me. And, of course, I fell for it anyway!

As hurtful as it may be, that realization that they may not be all that we had hoped for, is actually a healthy step, in the right direction, for our own good. And, eventually, possibly for thier's, too. I have not been able to suddenly stop loving them, nor doubt I ever will, but by finally opening my eyes to ALL of their true nature, I have been able to take a step back, re-evaluate my relationship, and perhaps take more objective steps in my attempts to help them. That is, while trying to minimize the potentially bad effects to my own wellbeing. And, no, it has never been easy.

But, in most cases, it has led to better days! I can still appreciate them for the wonderful/joyous contributions that they have made to my life, but still insulate myself from those aspects that just aren't all that healthy for me. It doesn't have to mean "Throwing the baby out with the bath water." It's only that I had to learn to hold them at a bit more of distance. But, I could still hold them.

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[_tazz_]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I see this realization as a positive development. It is now up to Andy to decide what he wants to do with his life, it is not your concern and it should not ever again be your concern. You have showed your love and commitment for Andy for so long, and helped him as much as you have possibly could.. You can't live his life for him. It's time to finally stop carrying his problems because he seems to be not learning.

Please Brian, mark this day as the day you decided to move on with your life, and you will find your happiness. I know a lot of harsh words have been said in this thread lately, but that's only been the frustration Andy's behaviour has caused. We want you to be happy. So see this as a lesson learned, and hey, it's not like you've been wasting your life for years and years. It's been only what, one year since you started this thread? A year is not a long time really. And hey, it's just something that had to happen, and you've learned from it, so it's not been a waste at all.

Good luck.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

Your realization is a very good sign. I think everyone here can relate with letting love cloud reality. As Tazz said, there have been many harsh remarks lately on this thread, but all were with the best intentions for your well being. As much as you have tried to help Andy, it does no good until he hits bottom and decides he wants to help himself. I'm really glad that you have come to the realization the you must live your life for you.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys a big heart felt thank you for all your support...even the ones who were harsh...I realize why you were being that way and did not take it personal.

I spent Easter with my family. I did not want to go. I forced myself. I eventually had a good time. My brothers are just like me, funny while being sarcastic, so when we get together it is non stop craziness, much to the ever loving delight of my mother.

My younger brother was there with his wife. My older brother there with his partner of 8 years. It hurts sometimes to see how happy and complete they all are and I am nowhere near that.

My mom is not totally ok with my brother and his partner. I do not know what it is exactly she does not like . I cannot put my finger on it: is it because he is gay or because of the partner he chose...my mom seem to like my brother's partner so I guess it is the being gay part she is still getting used to. However she is not totally weird about it..she has been more and more accepting and often goes to my brother's partner's musical happenings(hes a musician).

It is time in my life, I thought to myself, to come out to my parents soon. I fully know they will not turn their backs on me in any way...I fully know that in their deepest of hearts they already know(although there is that denial through the years).

So I was sitting there thinking of all the things I want to do, this 30th year of mine. I want a new car, I want to furnish my apt nicely, I want to travel, I want to finish my Masters, and perhaps most importantly I want to focus on me and start dating guys.

I know whoever I end up with will not embarrass my family...and will be a nice, smart, and respectful guy. I cannot wait find my soul mate...someone who will love me back...why was it so hard to see the past few years that I was loving someone who did not/could not love me back the way I needed...who knows I guess ...but I'm ready more than ever to move on and make this year MY year.

I got home and called Andrew just to wish him a Happy Easter(and to you guys as well!)...he was at a friend of his fiance's house and said he misses me and that he is just hanging out...he said his day was rough...I entertained why...as usual he said he couldn't talk right then and there...and will call me tonight.

But whatever, hope you all had a good weekend....talk to you soon...Brian

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andy called...told me his fiancee is living in her own little world and does not sympathize with him and show him any affection...does not understand how me and Andy feel about missing each other.

Um, and he's the one telling me there is nothing wrong with his relationship.....whatever.