Re: Last night-Update
Where do I just begin?
Last night did not turn out, or at least start to turn out, like I wanted it to. I fell asleep waiting for my bro to call and about 12:30 at night I got his call. He said are you ready to hang?, and I said yes...He picked me up by my house and we started to drive. The car was pretty quiet. He asked why I was so quiet and I think I must have just mumbled a response and said I don't know. In reality I did know...see my buddy sometimes fibs to me..not about anything big, just little lies. Like for instance he was supposed to be at the Superbowl at his father in law's house but I knew full well he was at a good friends house. How I knew I don't know..I just have a sixth sense with him on some things. We slowly both started to talk a little and he said he kind of had a stressful day and reiterated that he really wants me to go to Vegas with him and he just does not feel right leaving.
I told him I wish we could have hung more. He goes buddy I told you I was going to call you after the Superbowl...and I said yeah you did, but you been hanging out with your friend for the last few days and I feel like I am being pushed to the side..I told him that I wished to hang with him more before he goes...He started to get a little incredulous as to why I was mad and to be honest I was just nit picking. In reality, and what I later told him, was that I was jealous that he was hanging with his other friends so much before leaving. I told him that I felt like through this all i helped him out the most and I felt like all of a sudden his friends were just now coming around to send him off...meanwhile I have been days say goodbye to my buddy in my heart and mind for months...
We both got more and more angry and we started arguing back and forth...and preparing to were said...He goes why are you staying here for, your family doesnt treat you right...and I said back, as opposed to who? your family?...I said "can't you just stay?" and he goes "and what? leave my wife? leave my mother?" I wanted to say yes, but I knew that would be wrong and selfish...After he made the wife comment my heart sank to the bottom of the floor.
This was the first time in a while where I got a very very strong vibe off of him that maybe this is all just wishful thinking and you know what, he probably def is straight...This admittedly made me more angry and hurt inside...We both were getting frustrated and I was mad that this was where our night out was heading...after we cooled off a bit we both started laughing because we both said out loud how its impossible for either of us to be mad at each other for more than a few minutes...he also said that when hes down he knows no other person that could make him laugh and happier but me...we both said some more things that we will miss about each other...and then we had about 20 minutes of silence.
I told him how I know his friends don't respect him...and that they might be good people and life long friends, but at the end of the day they are smiling to your face, saying goodbye to you, hoping in some way you will fail out there. He agreed, and said the only one that has his back is me and Im the only one who supports him. He began to talk about how he is not prepared for the final day that we say goodbye to each other and he doesnt know what is going happen or what he is going say that day. In terms of his friends he said he puts up a front and I said I am guilty of that too...
In the midst of our drive to Long Island and later back to Brooklyn....we stopped at 7-11. Anyone who also knows us, knows we are all about the late night 7-11 runs..and we had a blast doing it in Vegas and when we first met. He said hes going miss these little things and asked me to tell him what Im going miss about him..I told him a list of nice things and off we went driving some more...He yawned and I said "are you tired?" and if he was to just go home and drop me off...He said he wasn't and even if he was he wants to hang out and talk...After we ate our stuff from 7-11 he pulled over to the side of the road..and shut off the car..and reclined his seat back..he said he likes it when the motor is off and there is just silence...we closed our eyes for bout 15 minutes but seemed like an eternity..I took a few peeks at my buddy while he was curled up in the driver's set and my heart just melted..I said "you sleeping?" and he goes "no.." and silence for some time more...
Then eh asked me "bri what are you thinking about?" and I replied "difficult things" and he said "like what? saying goodbye?" and I said "no, other difficult things..." We stayed there for a few minutes longer and drove off eventually, just driving around some more..by this time it was about 4 in the morning and I noticed he was driving towards back where we live and I asked "can we drive a little more?" He goes "buddy Ill stay out all night with you if you want.." And so we did hang out for about a half hour more...he drove me back to my house and there we sat for another half hour..motor off..just thinking..talking..laughing...worrying...trying to guess how our last moments would be on Wednesday..I told him I would be writing him several letters to open up along his road trip down there and some for when he is in Vegas...I told him that anytime he got down or lonely to look at the letters and it would be like I was there..He said he's afraid of the letters because he knows they will be very sad and he will break down..He kept talking about how he is going cry when he looks back in the rear view mirror and sees me getting further and further away.
We started to wrap things up..and I got out of the car..but didn't shut the door..I stood there..frozen..on the passenger side of the car..I bent down to look at him and I said I am very nervous...he goes "I know" and I go "No, buddy, you don't know...I have been fake to you and to a lot of other people buddy and I wanted to correct things before you left but I think it's too short a time..he immediately got out of the car and literally walked up to me and asked "is it about me leaving? your being fake by putting up a strong front?" and I said "no it is not that" and he goes "then what?" and I go..."Im not sure if can say right now..I dont want to talk about it"..he goes "are you sure" and I said "yes.." and he goes "ok...we will talk tomorrow?" and I said "yes.." and he goes "are you sure you dont want to talk anymore?" and I said "No Im not sure"...I so wanted to continue talking to him but my heart just caved in and backed out...
I got the sense he knew what I was leaning to say and in a way I think in his head he was saying "ok I think he might tell me..Im prepared for this..."...and that is how our night ended...I felt almost so comfortable in being just about to tell him....We are supposed to hang or at least talk on the phone tonight...I think I might tell him tonight...I just think I might...guys thank you so much for reading...
P.S.-Although I wish my buddy was gay I am seeing it more and more about how this shouldnt be about that..It should be about me coming out to him..thats the most important thing...and the questions I have bout him might come out soon after..but in reality all I want for is for my buddy to know completely who I am..I dont like not telling him everything about me..I dont like lying to him...Im going to miss my bro so much it just absolutely hurts...Brian
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