Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

NIL- he is not reeling me in trust me...I guess you would have to hear the conversation to know I stood up for myself and what I continue to believe...I know what i WROTE sounds like I warmed up to him and dropped my guard. I did not.

I trust you. . I just want you to be aware that from the outside (those of us not involved), the view is very different, and we can see patterns that are harder to see up close. It's so easy to let a pair of blue eyes melt your little heart into breaking down and getting sucked back in (well, in my case anyway). Just try not to get too close, you've not even had enough time to strengthen yourself.

He knows he has done so wrong by me. If there is going to be any mending on his part, that is for him to do...a fucking trip in the summer is not going to change things.

Very true. I'm glad you said this because it brings up a good point. Words are truly meaningless if there's no action to back them up. I'm a firm believer in change, hope, and second chances; but once I get fucked over, the bar goes way higher than it was before. In order to have access to certain areas that were once freely available, whoever hurts me has to reach and surpass said bar. That takes real effort, words and bullshit mean nothing once trust is gone. While most don't ever get there, a few have. Those are the relationships worth keeping. It's up to Andy to prove he's one of those

If he was serious, he would start paying me back...at the very least, he owes me that.

I am proud of myself for the way I handled the call...I will say here what I told Andrew on this very call..

"There are mistakes I made with you that not only did I learn from, but I vow never to make again with anyobdy in my life .."

I have no doubts about his sincerity of missing me or my friendship, I was a pretty fucking damn good friend to him, money aside...and he had never, and will never have a friend like he had in me..and he fucked it up...

I have no doubt that you were a good friend to him, it's evident by the things you've done, money aside. Sometimes, though, all the love you have to give is not enough to bring a person to you. It's not enough to change them, or at the very least it takes time and some hard lessons. You've just lived yours. Now it's his turn.

This kid is in for a seriously rough road ahead. Whether he survives and has the will to make things right with you and others is all on him; but only you can tell what actions are enough to even consider bringing him back into your life at that point.

The one thing I'll keep repeating is that you owe him nothing at this point, and that includes his wedding. If Andy disappeared tomorrow, your life would be no worse off, but I'd argue if the reverse was true, he'd be pretty screwed. The ball's in his court and you're right, the burden's on him to step up, if he's going to. Detach yourself completely for a while and let him do the heavy lifting. It's the only way you'll ever know if (and how much) he really cares.

I have predictions for how it's going to go, but that's honestly not up to me. The only reason why I'm driving at this is because I've been living this as well to a degree. A bit of a different circumstance in some ways, but very similar. We're worth more than this Brian. We're worthy of real love and respect, and of being treated at least a fraction of the way we treat others. If we could truly convince ourselves of this, then bullshit like this wouldn't be happening. Good luck, as always.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Thanks as always, for your excellent advice and post.

Nil, I told him, that I think it actually has been a good thing that we do not live near each other. That was in response to him saying how me and him used to say we want to get houses and live next door to each other.

I also told him that I need time away from him.

Unfortunately, I look at my friendship with him in terms of this.

If I never spoke to him again, for the most part I would be fine. Of course I would think about him here and there and wonder how he is doing and miss the times we had, the good ones.

If the position was reverse and I was out of his life, he would have deep, deep, deep regret. So much so it would pain him. I heard it in his voice today.

I think, honestly, I need more friends...guy friends..gay or straight. I also need to travel and be happy and get on with my life...I know eventually he will come back into my life, and if it is to rectify things cool..if not wel...then our friendship will remain the same.

~~~Bri~~~ Go Hillary!

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Nil, I told him, that I think it actually has been a good thing that we do not live near each other. That was in response to him saying how me and him used to say we want to get houses and live next door to each other.

I also told him that I need time away from him.

Good. This is very good. You can put your head on your pillow at night knowing you've at least told him the truth. The rest is up to him.

If I never spoke to him again, for the most part I would be fine. Of course I would think about him here and there and wonder how he is doing and miss the times we had, the good ones.

If the position was reverse and I was out of his life, he would have deep, deep, deep regret. So much so it would pain him. I heard it in his voice today.

Exactly. That's all you need to remember. You're almost free of this. I suppose so am I, since I'm in the same position now. I realize that when I graduate within the next year or two, that if I leave and never see this kid again, I'll be fine. He, on the other hand, has a rough road ahead of him, and will never find someone who loved him like I did. Whether he comes back or not, it matters not to me.

I think, honestly, I need more friends...guy friends..gay or straight. I also need to travel and be happy and get on with my life...I know eventually he will come back into my life, and if it is to rectify things cool..if not wel...then our friendship will remain the same.

I swear, we're living parallel lives . My "friend" isn't going to be moving to Vegas anytime soon though, so I'm shit out of luck in that department. If gas prices weren't so shitty, I'd certainly be doing a lot more traveling this summer. We'll see. There are good people out there Brian. It's all about finding them, and keeping them. I suppose there's also someone for everyone romantically, though I'm waiting for that one to manifest. Take care.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I just came home from hanging out with Latoya..we went to get coffee(she calls it getting a CAFE, I say you GO to a cafe to GET a coffee, but I digress) and drive around...and it was nice..we talked..her stuff, my stuff...and I let her in on what me and Andrew talked about.

The first thing she said was, "wow he dont seem like hes into getting married at all..", and upon hearing about Andrew wanting to travel this summer, just me and him, as well as when we retire god willing at 50..she said "Ummm isnt this shit that he should be saying to..HIS WIFE?? Where is she when hes saying all this shit to you.."

But besides that it was just a cool night to chill...Im feeling pretty good now about things. I realize Im in control of my happiness now...I like that.

~~~Bri~~~ Go Hillary!!!!

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I think, honestly, I need more friends...guy friends..gay or straight. I also need to travel and be happy and get on with my life...

YES............you do.

I have realized over the months that you still have a somewhat immature view of friendships...when we're young we often make one very best friend to the exclusion of other relationships, but as we mature, we should be able to have friendships of varying degrees with many others.

It can help prevent the type of unhealthy focussed obsessive relationship you had with Andy.

Not that I want to kick him when he's just about at the bottom, you say he's still working on his HS diploma? Didn't he try to get you and the gf to do this for him many months ago?

And he thinks he's going to become a policeman. And retire at 50. Is he spinning this bullshit for his benefit or yours?
I imagine that as soon as someone gives him his psych testing and realizes that he's a pathological liar and borderline personality, that will be the end of that dream.

He'll be lucky if he ends up as a security guard in a mall.

You obviously realize that he is at the point of almost saying anything to get you to help him out with some money, or to validate his behaviour when no one else will.

He has serious psychological and psychiatric problems. He is the one who has to admit to himself and everyone around him that he is in need of professional counselling. But I suspect he is missing that function in his brain that would allow him to understand this.

But, your last posts tell me you're still hooked.

If he turned up, looked into your eyes and told you that you were the one he loved more than anyone else, I suspect you'd likely write him a cheque on the spot. You still believe that you can be friends someday.

If you want to be in control of your happiness, get out there and make more friends and acquaintances.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Well Rare, although I do appreciate your advice..and I can see where you are coming from you are wholeheartedly dead wrong absolutely on any idea that I would ever, ever give him another dime. Ever. I have changed a lot, despite you having say otherwise.

I am going to be focusing on meeting more aqcuaintaces..I actually do have some pretty good friends at work and we are getting together to go bowling tomorrow night and we are starting a softball team to compete this season, and they are a cool bunch of guys to chill with...so I am slowly but surely getting my foot wet with socializing with people.

Rare, I understand your advice..and often times when it was too raw for me to see what I am with your words..too hurtful, sometimes even embarassed to see what I was...but I can with such certain tell you and anyone else here, that not one dime will be ever spent, loaned, given to him ever again.

~~~Bri~~~

 

[Telstra]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

This thread is all about Andy's problem.

Is Andy allow to read this so he might be able to help himself?
Does Andy knows about this thread?

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

No he doesnt know about this thread.

Andy does have problems he needs help with, some I know, some I do not.

I have problems I need to deal with also.

None of those problems,however, are concerning Andrew anymore.

Bri

P.S. As we speak his plane is touching down in JFK airport..this is a week and a half I am looking foward to being over.

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Skip the wedding.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I think I have 90% decided to skip the wedding...but should I tell him or just not go?

Another thing..Latoya asked me today, what do the tuxedos look like?

I go I have no clue...and then I thought about it...He didnt even include me in his grooms party...and I know for sure at least 4-5 who are in his grooms party based on what he told me a few months ago...

Should I be mad about this...let me correct that..I am mad at this...now dont get me wrong..I wouldnt have chosen to do it anyway, but to at least be asked...is another story..or told I wasnt in it.

Last night he left a message for me saying that he wished he could make me get in his head and see how much he cares for me, he wants to be family with me again...

Yet his actions dont match his words...am I wrong to be pissed about this?

Im so close to putting the final nail on thei friendship..and before someone chimes in and says I should have woken up and done that a long time ago..please I know I should, I just dont need it thrown at me right now...its hard to have gone through all of this and taxing on every part of me...


Bri

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I think I have 90% decided to skip the wedding...but should I tell him or just not go?

Just don't tell him. Fuck it. IF you really want to and ONLY if he brings it up, then tell him you have plans.

Another thing..Latoya asked me today, what do the tuxedos look like?

Usually black coat and pants with some stupid velvet stripe down the sides and a white foofy looking shirt underneath with a stupid bowtie and vest. You can tell I'm a fan...but I won't lie, guys look fucking hot in them.

Should I be mad about this...let me correct that..I am mad at this...now dont get me wrong..I wouldnt have chosen to do it anyway, but to at least be asked...is another story..or told I wasnt in it.

I said this before in another post. If he loved you, I can see the best man thing not happening (though that's a BIG stretch), but if he's having all friends in the party and didn't include you, then fuck him. You're not friends. If it's the most important day of his life, he'd have the most important people in his wedding. The only caveat to that would be if he or she had all family in the wedding party with a lot of guy brothers or cousins. Doesn't sound like the case to me. There's yet another indication of how much he cares. Fuck him, don't go.

Yet his actions dont match his words...am I wrong to be pissed about this?

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! In case you couldn't tell what I was getting at, NO. This has been my point all along. Action is what means something, especially in situations where trust has been violated. It is not up to you to prove your love. You have. The burden of proof is on him. Assess the situation, then ask yourself, what's the verdict? No money paid back, phone calls at horrible hours of the night multiple times and only when it's convenient for him, lies and psychological mindfucks, throwing it in your face that you love him, and leaving you out of the wedding party. As far as I'm concerned, there's no love there, only lies. He hasn't felt what's it's like to lose you because as of now, he hasn't. Not completely.

Im so close to putting the final nail on thei friendship..and before someone chimes in and says I should have woken up and done that a long time ago..please I know I should, I just dont need it thrown at me right now...its hard to have gone through all of this and taxing on every part of me...

I could never say that personally. You're doing the best you can. These things, affairs of the heart, are so hard to navigate sometimes. It took you time to get here, but now you ARE here, and that's what's important. The question is, are you going to let him have this final hook in you, or are you going to finally take control now that you can see what's going on?

There's got to be a good movie playing at the time of the wedding. Hell, if I lived closer, I'd drag your ass to one myself, just to get you completely away from him and that situation. If you listen to nothing else, remember this: if you go to the wedding, even the church, it will hurt. It will hurt you, not him. He will have shown you who's in control, and you will be that much farther from being free of him. I hope you choose wisely.

Oh and Brian, I know you might on some level be thinking that it's easy for me to say all this because I'm not going through the situation. The problem with that is that I sort of am. So I know what this is like. It's even harder when your friend is an actual closet case like you are. Talk about fucked up. The point is, I understand, and were I in your situation, I promise you, I would not be within 500 feet of that fucking church on wedding day.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Two words..IRON MAN.

Nil I think your points are great.

He calls me when its convenient for him.
He tells me all mushy stuff when no one is around, yet there is no action. And Im not talking sexally.

He fucks with my mind and heart...by mostly telling me shit he SHOULD be telling his "wife"..a nd he only says this when no one is around.

He has said sorry and I forgave but he has made no amends to make this any easier on me by paying any money back, even small amounts. AND PLEASE EVERYONE TAKE NOTE..I AM NOT GREEDY AND I NEVER EVEN WENT TO HIM HUNTING DOWN MONEY HE OWES ME.

HE HIMSELF TOLD ME MANY TIMES HE WILL MAKE AMENDS BY PAYING ME BACK. So, that is whay I always stick the money part to him. And when he fucking tells me, Bri..Im strapped right now...IM LIKE WTF, SO WHAT..YOU ARE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME YOU WILL PAY ME BACK, so fucking man up and do it. He always, always makes it seem like Im holding it over my head and IM THE WRONG ONE.

I think its me and my fault, I MUST attract these people in my life.


I really dont want to say this because it sounds like a game...but he is soon to find out that having me out of his life will be one of the biggest fuck ups in his life.

I will take Rare's advice and never pick up that phone again, unless he leaves me a message saying I need to go to WESTERN UNION(the place I only know so well) with this ##### and for me to go pick up all the fucking money he is sending me.

~~~Bri~~~

I think Im heading out for a walk soon, and taking my dog...thanks for the support.

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Hey, Brian!

I've been kind of "lurking", but still following your thread. I haven't chimed in, recently, because Nihilis, Rareboy, and everyone else, including Latoya, have been giving You some excellent advice! And, I must say, You, Yourself, are sounding pretty good, too! MUCH better than before!!

I would like to put in my $.02 concerning the wedding, though. I know for sure, that if I were You, I wouldn't even care to be in the same city! But ... since You are ... there are, luckily, so many other things to do!

As far as Andy is concerned, and for Your continued well-being, I would start thinking of him as a "Memory" with "Lessons Learned"! No longer part of Your "Present"!

And, as far as "Best Friends" go ... please give Dante a "Pat" for me!!

Of course, no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz ;-)

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Thanks KY, Dante appreciates the shout out...I took a walk, thinking of all the things I might possibly say to him...and I just got tired by the whole thing. I told Latoya Im not going and she told me to calm down, because my anger with this whole situation had my blood going and had me working up into a panic attack...she said she is cool with my decision and she will be joining me for Iron Man...

~~~Bri~~~


P.S. Ky why thanks for the $.o2, its much more than I will ever get from my "friend".

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I really dont want to say this because it sounds like a game...but he is soon to find out that having me out of his life will be one of the biggest fuck ups in his life.

That's so true. Let it happen, break it off, and really be free of this. No regrets, just move forward and enjoy your movie. Just don't let this consume you any more than it has. Have an excellent, restful night and turn down the ringer on your phone so you can sleep.

I would like to put in my $.02 concerning the wedding, though. I know for sure, that if I were You, I wouldn't even care to be in the same city! But ... since You are ... there are, luckily, so many other things to do!

Amen. Now put this puppy to bed.

 

[frankfrank]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Hi, I haven't said anything in here in a good while. As Kyanimal said, you're getting plenty of great advice already, and I truly can't think of anything to add.

This saga is, at last, nearly over. I think that the money owed to you is a complete loss, and you'll have to move on past it, as he clearly has no intentions of paying you back. We're all happy to see that you're not continuing to respond to his continuing stream of shit, in hopes that he just might start paying you back or something.

The VALUE of you walking away from this far exceeds the large amount of money involved, as you keep the experience as lessons learned while also moving on to better, more fruitful and more delightful things. I don't think his friendship would even be worth it if he paid you back every cent, plus a generous amount of interest.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Yet his actions dont match his words...am I wrong to be pissed about this?

Yes. You are entitled to be BEYOND pissed.

I think a lot of his cooing noises are to keep you from making a scene at his wedding when the Rev. asks if anyone knows of any impediment to this marriage and you run up the aisle and crack him a good one in the jaw for treating you like absolute shit and you tell everyone that he really doesn't want to be marrying that skag but he's doing it for the cash, of which you are seizing the amount he still owes you and what the fuck was so hard about having you in the wedding party if you were actually the one that he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and not that gum snapping piece of dull trash in the 'white' dress and when you then ask everyone in the church that he owes money to to put up their hands and everyone including the ring bearer and the Priest raise theirs.

Just picture it. I can.

But I do think that if you just don't show up for the nuptials and don't tell them, they obviously will have to get the point.

We all think you deserve better from life. Get out there and get it.

 

[Telstra]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

^ rareboy, u sounds like brians mum.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

lol Rare, great post...so true though.

He called me at 3:30am last night, even when he is in MY time zone he is calling me late...anway...I ignored it.

Bri

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

He called me at 3:30am last night, even when he is in MY time zone he is calling me late...anway...I ignored it.

It's going to start sinking in that you're no longer his lapdog. I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that little episode. Well, you're doing ok so far, and this is progress and it's good. Just keep at it a few days longer and you'll no longer have to deal with this at all. I envy you in that respect...