Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

When he speaks to me next I will just calmly say that with much consideration, I wont be attending his wedding.

Honestly Bri, I don't think you were actually ever really invited if you didn't get the actual memo....

I wouldn't waste my time explaining to him how sorry he'll be that you're not his friend anymore. Because I still don't think he sees relationships that way and it is that kind of high drama queen reaction that I'm suggesting you should avoid.

If it were me, I would tell him that I don't have room in my life for people who have only Ego and no Id. I'd just say that I realize that I can't associate with addictive pathological personalities because I realize they will destroy everything and everyone around them and I value my own health and happiness too much as I've come to realize that I am capable of making real friendships based on a feeling af self-worth and not obsessive preocupation. I probably would tell him that I really don't care if he's happy, sad or indifferent about me not being in his life, because his life really has nothing to do with me anymore; it is my life that I'm going to spend the time and effort on.

And I would tell him that he still owes me the money I loaned him and that I hope he'll eventually have the resources to repay me.

And then I would get up from the table in the restaurant we're meeting in (since I wouldn't ever let him into my home again) and tell him that I really must be going since I have another engagement.

 

[D-Base]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Brian, I've followed this thread for some time then sort of lost track. It looks like things haven't turned the way you wanted them to and I'm sorry it has gone to the point where you are thinking of revising your relationship with Andrew. (or am I wrong? I get this sense by reading the last few updates).

I just want to say that there is really this point where you have to decide whether you want to continue to struggle with this or move on, have a clean breakaway from this guy and I think not attending his wedding is the first step towards that.

Can I ask you a question also, do you think your feelings for Andrew are as strong as when you started your thread before he left?

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

D-Base, things are different now from when this thread started.

I went to bed very late and woke up even later.

I had a gut feeling Andrew was going to show up at my house.

I was helping my dad in the basement when I saw a black, sporty looking car pull up in the back of my house. Without even thinking, I knew it was him. No one ever got out..

Went upstairs and got my satellite radio up and going, took a shower(still saw the car from my window) and went to take a drive to get some fruit and almonds and water..small shit.


I looked at my hone for the time and noticed Andrew called. I called him back, he said he was just at my house when he called me.

I told him I must have been in the shower at the time.

He sounded down about our situation, but he didnt mention anything. He said he was having an ok time, just playing cards, and visiting with people.

He heard I was driving and asked if I am near him. I go near you where..I have no clue where you are...he mentioned where he was and I said I wasnt near him..he said oh ok..

Some small talk later, and I was off the phone.

~~~Bri~~~

 

[casey02]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Bri, I have been lurking on this board for a long time and have not posted but I felt the need to register and just post a reply because this reads so similar to a situation I was in. Please do not do this, and by this I mean, cut Andrew out of your life. Believe it or not, you will regret it.

I am not making excuses for him and don't pretend to know your situation better than you do, but PLEASE think through this. He has wronged you, yes, lied to you, yes, but a friend who does not care about you would not be HURT that your friendship with him is not going well. At this point, short of him paying you back, what do you want him to do? What do you want from him, Bri?

I have learned in my experience to value having a friend rather than not, and it's not like he is the worst person on earth ever. You both made mistakes, you by falling in love with him, him by taking advantage of you. Can you not just both forgive and start afresh? Start new? I know deep in your heart, no matter what you say, you DO NOT want him out of your life.

Please see him and go to his wedding, the church and not the ceremony, if that makes u uncomfortable, but go. I am sorry for seeming to tell you what to do, but I would hate for you to regret this down the line. Aight.

 

[Telstra]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

A question for everyone in this thread:

Is it helpful for Andy to read this thread ??




*sorry if my question is all wrong.

 

[beatleshead]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Bri, I have been lurking on this board for a long time and have not posted but I felt the need to register and just post a reply because this reads so similar to a situation I was in. Please do not do this, and by this I mean, cut Andrew out of your life. Believe it or not, you will regret it.

I am not making excuses for him and don't pretend to know your situation better than you do, but PLEASE think through this. He has wronged you, yes, lied to you, yes, but a friend who does not care about you would not be HURT that your friendship with him is not going well. At this point, short of him paying you back, what do you want him to do? What do you want from him, Bri?

I have learned in my experience to value having a friend rather than not, and it's not like he is the worst person on earth ever. You both made mistakes, you by falling in love with him, him by taking advantage of you. Can you not just both forgive and start afresh? Start new? I know deep in your heart, no matter what you say, you DO NOT want him out of your life.

Please see him and go to his wedding, the church and not the ceremony, if that makes u uncomfortable, but go. I am sorry for seeming to tell you what to do, but I would hate for you to regret this down the line. Aight.

Good Luck..i tried to present this point but everybody ecept lost vegas tore it to shreds. get you ya ya's locked down. lol

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

You both made mistakes, you by falling in love with him, him by taking advantage of you.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, pardon me but this is one of the most bizarre, ingenuous statements I have read...ever. It is not a mistake to fall in love, particularly with a psychopath who is using this love to manipulate you. It is not a mistake to take advantage of someone. It is a conscious, evil act. To equate the two and then suggest that life must be so impoverished as to invest more hours and days into trying to kiss and make up because it is better to have a 'friend' than nothing at all is bad advice.

This isn't helping.

Maybe Beatleshead and Casey thrive on self-destructive co-dependent behaviour, but there are a lot of people who do understand that Andy is not a friend and only disguised himself as a friend so that he could keep touching Brian for money and the unqualified, slavish adoration that Brian gave him.

And what did he give back in return?

Nothing, except: Lies. Deception. Hurt. Passive aggressive manipulation. Insults. This wasn't about friendship. This was about control.

The world is a big place. It is full of lots of emotionally healthy people who are deserving of a real mutually supportive friendship. Andy is not one of them.

As I've pointed out, Casey, Brian was never even properly invited to the wedding. Andy wouldn't even tell him which church they were getting married in. And you would advise someone to attend a farce of a wedding like this?



C'mon.

 

[D-Base]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Please do not do this, and by this I mean, cut Andrew out of your life. Believe it or not, you will regret it.

I don't think that there is a model in such situations that will help you to come clean of this and unharmed.

Yes, sometimes it's better to have a friend that cares, but those situations are strictly personal and I don't think anyone can say don't do this because you'll regret it. Maybe Brian will really feel better if he just lets go of this. I've done it. And I felt better. I think a lot of people have been in a situation that requires a decision, take it (with it's disadvantages) or leave it.

Brian has to measure up the pros and the cones of his situation. If it's hurting too much I say let this go. Focus on something/someone else, start anew. Maybe have sometime alone, stop bing involved with this for some time then measure up the pros and cones again... If he's really someone who cares for you, he'll understand.

But my personal opinion is that after he marries, and you still keep this going on between you, and you keep throwing energy and emotion in it, it will become really difficult for both of you.

I wish I could give a straight, confident and encouraging advice to this like casey02 did but I don't think I have the answer to this and Bri I think you are the only one who can take the right decision here...

I wish you best of luck

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I remember a period about 50 pages back, where I thought the advice that Brian was getting was just horrible...encouragement to sacrifice his life and happiness for an emotional and financial vampire.

I actually thought that some of the advice was malicious; designed to create emotional confusion and turmoil instead of clarity.

I do not beleive that most of the recent posters actually have read all the posts. Because there is no way, absolutely no way, that they would advise detente if they had.

 

[trawler69]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Well I have followed this thread from the beginning and have made the odd post here and there but for the most part rareboy has said what I believe to be the best advice. Whilst I am not such a great proponent of therapy there is a time and a place and I believe his advice has been good.

I think that maybe beatleshead and casey02 may not have followed this thread quite as closely as others and so have failed to see quite how poisonous this "friendship" is.

I wish to take this opportunity to congratulate you Brian and to also encourage you in the direction you are going. I know it hasn't been easy for you and is perhaps at its most difficult right now. Please continue to be strong and by being so I see a new life opening up for you, unencumbered by the poisonous one sided "friendship" with Andrew. Please continue to listen to rareboy, I believe he has put a lot of effort and thought into his advice to you.

I wish you well Brian have a heartfelt

 

[_tazz_]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I have a suspicion the reason some still want you to keep this destructive relationship alive is for their own need of entertainment that your thread provides. They dont want to see it end.

Listen to rareboy.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Thanks for all your advice as usual...but Tazz I just want to go on record and say that I am in NO WAY posting this for entertainment purposes...

I wish it was funny, or entertaining, I really do...I just post here because it has been a safe place to get my thoughts out and get a little feedback at the same time...

Today at work went well...it was good to see the kids again. But I have my sights set on summer...I cannot wait.

Did not hear from Andrew as of now(8:48pm) and dont suspect I will. Work will definitely make this week fly by.

Update you guys soon.

~~~Bri~~~

 

[casey02]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Ok, at the end of the day, I see your point (rare and d-base), but Bri, I want to know what you think about what I wrote. I still stand by what I advised, I just want to know Bri what you think about looking at it from this perspective.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

^ Go back about 40 pages. You can read there what Brian thought about your perspective.

But now, we're all at the end of the day. And I'm glad you see my point.

Otherwise I'd begin to suspect that you are one of the people who just want to see Brian's anxiety and uncertainty extended for your own entertainment, as Tazz has suggested.

If not, then I fear that, like Brian, you may be destined for great pain and trouble because you are surely going to suffer at the hands of those who would use and abuse you because you have low self esteem and even lower standards for what constitutes real friendship.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Hey guys, came home from work and Andrew called and I picked up.

I was fine with him on the phone, asked him how he is, how his stay is going and what he has been up to.

He said he has been having fun, and getting ready for his wedding. I said, that's pretty cool, good for you.

And you know what? I actually meant it. I hope his week has gone well.

He asked if I could come pick him up and I said I couldnt, because I have to get into the shower and head out.

He said he was busy tonight, so I asked him about Thursday and he said that was fine.

So, I will meet with him then(likely the only time during his stay) and I guess we will have a good talk then about things.

I assume he realizes now that I am probably not going to his wedding..

But I genuinely feel much happier. This is real closure for me on some levels.

I am fine enough to meet him and Im looking foward to moving on when he leaves.

~~~Bri~~~

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

^ Yay. Print this out, fold it up and keep it in your pocket when you meet up with him.

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

He said he was busy tonight, so I asked him about Thursday and he said that was fine.

So, I will meet with him then(likely the only time during his stay) and I guess we will have a good talk then about things.

I assume he realizes now that I am probably not going to his wedding..

Probably because, like rareboy said, you never got an invite. Meeting him will be a frustrating waste of your time Brian. After crying, arguing, reasoning, emotional blackmail, and every other trick in the book, nothing has changed his views, at least not now. Therefore, nothing you say is going to have any effect on the situation. If and when he sees the damage he's done, it's not going to be by your hand, it's going to be after some serious suffering, which is not your job to help him through.

By going to visit him, you are setting yourself up for a major mindfuck. It's way too soon to go back into the lion's den, you've still got claw marks all over you.

The best closure is to bury it, mourn it, and move on.

Again, speaking from experience and recent history.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I understand all of that. And despite what I type here sometimes(my most vulnerable moments) I can be and AM a lot stronger than most give me credit for.

I went out to dinner with Latoya and another good friend from work...and we sat at dinner for almost 4 hours, just talking and talking.

Our other friend is a little older than us, but not much and relates to us well.

She told me about her brother who was gay and how she was cool with it(she doesnt know Im gay, but we think she suspects). She opened up, I opened up. It was all great.

She was, however, curious about a comment I made when I picked her up.

Now mind you, our friend lives LITERALLY next door to the church where Andrew is getting married(you may being asking how do I know where he is getting married..I have good total recall, I remember a year ago Andrew saying what church his wedding at, he just has never told me again since then). So when Latoya and I picked her up, I said "that is where the disaster will take place sunday"..

But I didnt go into the topic of Andrew at all really. Why bother?

But anyway, we had a BLAST tonight, was so awesome to be out with good people.

Andrew called me on the way to dinner, asking what I was doing. I said heading out to dinner with friends...and he is like call me later tonight. I said ok and hung up.

So after our dinner and while we were driving around..who calls? But Andrew and he said whats doing..I said just driving around and hanging, just finished dinner...

And at this point Latoya whispers over to our friend and said something, and suddenly they bust out in this loud laughter and noise on purpose of course, going on and on and I busted out laughing too because it was so out of nowhere and funny...Latoya full well wanted Andrew to know that I was in good company.

And Andrew heard. And I smiled a bit after that. Because I know deep down Andrew must have thought I have no life anymore that he went away...I told him , Andrew, I will see you Thursday.

Anyway it was such a great night, I just got in and HAD to post my it, thanks.

~~~Bri~~~

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I understand all of that. And despite what I type here sometimes(my most vulnerable moments) I can be and AM a lot stronger than most give me credit for.

Yeah, I kept telling myself the same thing.

I'm glad you had a nice night last night, enjoy those. That's what life is all about.

 

[_tazz_]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

but Tazz I just want to go on record and say that I am in NO WAY posting this for entertainment purposes...

Of course I understand that. But don't fool yourself thinking that everyone here is interested in your mental health. To most it's just entertainment, you can see it in the way most stopped posting to your thread once they realised that Andrew is an asshole and nothing is ever going to happen between you two.

I love Latoya, never met her but seems such an amazing person. Now she's the kind of person you need to keep close. Good luck with meeting Andrew, don't get emotionally manipulated. Watch yourself.