Watching a family member die

[Inwood]

My grandmother is dying.

She's 87 years old and has lived a great life, so she's fortunate to have lived as long as she has, but now she's deteriorating and its very hard to watch someone who was once so vibrant and full of life be reduced to sleeping most of the day and struggling just to walk to the bathroom.

She was a widow at 61 years old, as my grandfather died young at 59 from cancer. Since then she's lived on her own and has quite adeptly taken care of herself. Even after being hospitalized each year for pneumonia for a week for the past 8 years she's bounced back and was back to her old self again, but this time, she's not bouncing back. She had a mild heart attack, and was promptly hospitalized where they found she has not only an aortic aneurysm but congestive heart failure to boot. Due to her age and the condition of her heart there's no surgical option for her, so they released her from the hospital to come home. Fortunately she came out to stay with my dad who lives next door and she's been here since Monday. I've come by every day to bring her the morning newspaper and to try to make things as normal for her as possible so she doesn't feel like her routine is too far off the rails. Dad and stepmom feed her and take care of her, and Nick and I come by often to visit with her and keep her company.

She's in OK spirits but she just wants to get better and return to normal so she can go back to her own home, but I don't think that's going to happen. The doctor didn't give a prognosis but we all know that she's most likely not going to bounce back. Her birthday is in March and I asked dad the other day if he thinks she'll make it to 88 and he just shook his head and said, "I don't think so." I know its really weighing heavily on him but he's trying to be strong, most likely for her and for the kids, but I can tell its tearing him up inside. To watch my grandmother slowly die is painful enough for me, I can't imagine what it's doing to him.

So we all pitch in and do our part. Right now they went off to church and I'm sitting here in the living room on my laptop waiting for her to wake up so I can make her breakfast and chit chat with her before she eats, gets tired and goes back to sleep. I have so many good memories of my grandmother and I will cherish them for the rest of my days, but I can't help but feel sad for her, knowing that the end is near.

I was really hoping she'd last through June so she could attend my wedding to Nick, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen right now. I'm sure she'd love to see her firstborn grandson get married. She loves Nick and when a nurse came into her hospital room while we were there she introduced him as one of her grandsons. That made me well up with tears as she had never referred to him as anything but "Michael's friend" before. I know she adores him because she talks about him often and says what a wonderful man he is. I couldn't be happier that she's gotten to know him and accepted him into our family.

I've been fortunate to have had only lost two family members in my life to premature death. About 17 years ago my maternal grandmother passed away at the early age of 55 due to complications after surgery, and my paternal grandfather passed away at 59 due to lung cancer. He was a cigarette and pipe smoker, and worked on the railroad his entire life with no protective gear and inhaled large quantities of chemicals and asbestos daily. Fortunately the rest of my family is healthy, and dad's mom is now 87 and mom's dad is 79, so I've got a pretty good shot at a long life ahead of me. Mom and dad are both healthy and going strong in their mid 50's, so score two more points for me.

It's been quite some time since I've had to cope with death on a family level, so there's a lot of emotions I haven't felt in a long time now coming to the surface. In crisis situations my instinct is to emotionally freeze up until the crisis has passed, but I know that's not the healthy way to deal with it. I also don't want to become an emotional basket case, so I have to find a happy medium. I'm so fortunate to have Nick be at my side and help me, as he's been able to keep me steady.

Today is dad's birthday and we all usually go out to dinner, but this year we're ordering in from a restaurant and having a family dinner at home with grandma. I'm sure she'll come out to eat, sit with us for 20 minutes or so and then go back to bed. We'll have a nice day together, and most likely reminisce about days past, which will bring a smile to her face. In the end, I'm glad she can be surrounded by her loving family and not have to face her twilight days alone.

 

[kevbo]

I've been talking recently with my grandma about her dying. She tells me she is ready. She's only 73, which I think is still young. At first, I was a little disoriented by her readiness, but after a while, I was alright with it, too.

 

[Scrub]

It is very hard to watch a family member who is ill. I am sure she appreciates being able to be home with her loved ones.

I can empathize with you as I have been there. It is not an easy thing to do, but in the long run you will cherish the time you spent with her.

 

[TygreBryte]

I don't believe there's anything much harder than watching a beloved family member "go" slowly, and painfully.

I'm glad for you that at this point your Grandma is still able to get up (for a while) and visit (for a while) and still knows who everyone is.

...okay, gotta go now...

 

[hottie1982]

There is nothing harder than watching someone you love die. I watched my mom die a slow painful death from breast cancer. I can feel the pain you must be feeling. I felt it two years ago.

 

[barefootbob]

I can understand where you're coming from. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 14, she was 53. we kept her home to live out her last months. the last 3 weeks she was kept drugged with morphine, a nurse came by twice day to give her the injection. by then mom was little more than a corpse, short raspy breaths every 20-30 seconds and eating nothing. when she died, I was so spent I felt nothing, same with dad. Well I guess you could say relief but that sounds more harsh than it really is, you'd have to experience it to understand.

Inwood, you're doing the right thing .. being there for and with her, doing the little things. If she wants to stay home and you can swing it, that is the best for her. Times will be tough and it is good you have Nick, you may have to lean on him from time to time.

I wish you well and peace.
bob

 

[Pushyourluck]

I was there when my grandmother died. She just kind of drifted off in her sleep. We suspect she was in terrible pain but she never showed that to any of us. I know what you're going through and my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

 

[Inwood]

She just had her breakfast and is now sitting close by reading the newspaper (she can't see my computer screen so she doesn't know what website I'm on ). She's a bit tired but wants to stay up and read a bit before going back to bed.

While she was eating she was regaling me with stories about her and my grandfather during the 1940's. I'm constantly amazed by the memory this woman has. She was telling me about when my grandfather was in The War, and how she and her girlfriend took a bus trip down to North Carolina to visit him at his Army base. She was telling me names, dates, who wore what and what the weather was. I can't even remember what I wore yesterday, and here she is telling me stories that happened over 60 years ago as if it were yesterday! I am so glad she still has all of her faculties, even if her body is giving up.

 

[hairycub29]

both my parents died very unexpectedly when i was 12 then 10 months later my mum died without any warning...in some ways i wish i had the chance to have more time with them before they died. i often wandered how different it would have been had they had slower deaths and i got the chance to say goodbye and ask them silly questions that haunted me for so long after they died....

 

[Orlandude]

Inwood, you and your family are doing all that you can and should do for your grandmother at this time. Having experienced this with grandparents and my own father, I understand what a difficult time this is for you. Be grateful that she can still get around and interact with the family. I'm sure that is a tremendous comfort to her. It sounds like her will is strong and she is thinking positive. That is a blessing. No false hopes intended but don't underestimate people her age. She may surprise you. Enjoy her and continue to share with her and that will help keep your emotions balanced. Like her, you need to take it one day at a time. That's all you can do. She is a wise woman who has lived a good and long life. You don't get to be her age by doing the wrong things! How wonderful it is that you were/are a part of her life. That "gift" will stay with you forever.

 

[TygreBryte]

She just had her breakfast and is now sitting close by reading the newspaper (she can't see my computer screen so she doesn't know what website I'm on ). She's a bit tired but wants to stay up and read a bit before going back to bed.

While she was eating she was regaling me with stories about her and my grandfather during the 1940's. I'm constantly amazed by the memory this woman has. She was telling me about when my grandfather was in The War, and how she and her girlfriend took a bus trip down to North Carolina to visit him at his Army base. She was telling me names, dates, who wore what and what the weather was. I can't even remember what I wore yesterday, and here she is telling me stories that happened over 60 years ago as if it were yesterday! I am so glad she still has all of her faculties, even if her body is giving up.

write down all those details. you'll be happy you did.

 

[operafan]

It sounds like such a warm and loving family. What could we all wish for any more than be surrounded by those we love and those who love us. I'm so happy for you that you are able to do this for your grandmother. It is wonderful that she loves Nick as her other grandson.

 

[GL]

inwood i'm sorry to hear your grandmother is not doing so well. but at the same time i am pleased to hear that you and your family are looking after her and surrounding her with so much love and compassion.

 

[Inwood]

Thank you all for your kind words. It really does warm my heart.

and_rew - I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Alzheimer's is truly an insipid disease, and one that not only affects the afflicted but the entire family. I hope she passes quietly and as painless as possible, and I hope for your family's sake you have a support system in place to take care of one another.

 

[simon]

I was with my grandmother in the ICU till the end came. She had been ill for a while, she told us years ago never put me on life support machines. The doctor had put her on a ventilator which pissed me off when i got to the hospital and saw her hooked up to it, but he said she need it to breathe and it was'nt life support. She had signed a living will years ago stating she wanted DNR. He said give him a week to see if she come out of it, she had CHF so really I was hoping for a miricle that would never come. After a week he said she was'nt responding and that my mom and her brother had to sign papers to take her off the ventilator, so we met the doctors and staff and they were so kind telling us how and when it was going to happen. My mom and her brother went in to say there good byes to her and left, my uncle left the hospital and mom stayed in the waiting room, she told me "I can't go back in there". I went in held her hand kissed her forehead brushed her hair told her that i was so thankful to have her as my grandma. They had givin her Morphine so she was'nt in any pain but up to then she never came out of the self in duced coma they put her in? As I was talking to her telling her I loved her and thanking her for raising me from "little on up" she opened her eyes and looked at me, I said Gram I'm here it's ok to go home to be with God, I love you! After that she closed her eyes and one small tear fell down her cheek then I watched her moniter and her respirations and heartbeats started to fall then she coded. I just lost it then and held her. the male Nurse came in and hugged me telling me I did the bravest thing? I gotta stop writing this as I'm crying and can't see the keypad. Take Care Inwood knowing that your there for her, Godbless you sir.

 

[StlKj]

I knew this was probably not a good thread for me to read.

Inwood, I pray your grandmother gets to leave this earth as she would like to, quietly and painlessly as you wished for and-rew's mother, but also quickly once the process actually begins. And-rew, I wish the same for your mother. The love you both have for these women is a testimony to how wonderful they both were.

I hope you do not take offense to my prayer that they go quickly once the process starts. When my grandmother passed almost two years ago, the last seven days were very hard on the family, as she slowly shut down. It was not the way she would have wanted to go.

My thoughts are with both of you as you go through this.

 

[G-Lexington]

My grandmother turns 98 in a few months.

She was always a vibrant, say-what-you-want, take-no-nonsense woman. She had a career when such a thing for women was frowned upon by most people, she raised two daughters (and lost one early), was married for fifty years before losing her husband, and has now been a widower for almost a quarter of a century.

Her eyesight is very poor, her hearing is pretty bad, and she needs a walker to get anywhere. Even worse, her short-term memory is faltering. It infuriates her. But I've told her, "Grandma, as long as you remember who YOU are, and you remember who *I* am, I can fill you in on the details."

She's a wise woman. She's accepted these things. She doesn't want to live in an assisted-care facility, but she knows that's probably the best option, and she has told me, "If you ever have to live in a place like this, I hope it's as good as this one."

I go see her once a week. I have to sit on her "good side", and I've learned how to talk so she hears and understands everything I say. We don't lie. We don't say things like "When you get out of here..." She's said, "It was very sad moving into this room. Because I knew this would probably be the room I'll die in." She wasn't being morbid - she was being honest. She never was one to pretend everything was fantastic when it isn't. When she told me this, I said, "That's quite possibly true. Can we work on making it a good room for you?" And we decorated it the way she wanted.

Life frustrates her sometimes. She knows we all have lives, we all go out to shows and parties and restaurants, and even when she does get to go, she misses most of it through not being able to see or hear. But she's resigned to it. She enjoys the activities at the center, she enjoys our visits and our occasional trips to Village Inn for a slice of pie.

And she's prepared to die. She's honestly shocked she's gotten this far. She's ready to go, and we're ready for her to go. She and I both know that one of the days when I leave, when I hug her and say "I'll see you next week", I won't. But when that day comes, neither of us will have any regrets.

It sounds like you might be there, too, In. And that's pretty much all you can do.

Lex

 

[blondsurfer]

My mom was diagnosed 1998 with Ovarian Cancer which is the nastiest cancer women can get. She lived for two year with it right after Palm Sunday of 2000 my mom went down hill faST. I went to the Hospital after work- it was there that my Mom & DAd told me this was it- she said the doctors told her maybe a week if she was lucky.Well it was two weeks, Easter Sunday she slipped into a semi coma, couldn't talk ,couldn't move- but her eyes were open although terribly filmed over and bloodshot. She had all kinds of tubes going into her. The shocking thing was the amount of Deladin(pain Killer they gave Her) A full IV bag ever four to five hours and yet everyone could still tell she was in extreme pain, she had ureamic poisoning for almost for a week because her kidneys failed. I sat by her bed and watch her deteriate. I couldn't except for two years that she was going to die.Her last days I broke finally- I cried harder than Ever cried in my entire life. After looking at her and how much pain she was in- I begged God to take her. I told her that Dad & I will be fine and for her to stop fighting and Go. My Dad was staying over in her room at the Hospital. On mAy 1, 2000 he called me to check up on me- that was 10:00 p.m.. He called again it 12:05, I say Dad when I picked up the phone- She's gone isn't she, He said yes, I dropped the phone and Cried for an hour and half until he finally got home from the hospital. It has effected still to this day, You never get use to losing a loved one! Inwood, my prayers are with you, your family & your Grandmother

 

[simon]

My mom was diagnosed 1998 with Ovarian Cancer which is the nastiest cancer women can get. She lived for two year with it right after Palm Sunday of 2000 my mom went down hill faST. I went to the Hospital after work- it was there that my Mom & DAd told me this was it- she said the doctors told her maybe a week if she was lucky.Well it was two weeks, Easter Sunday she slipped into a semi coma, couldn't talk ,couldn't move- but her eyes were open although terribly filmed over and bloodshot. She had all kinds of tubes going into her. The shocking thing was the amount of Deladin(pain Killer they gave Her) A full IV bag ever four to five hours and yet everyone could still tell she was in extreme pain, she had ureamic poisoning for almost for a week because her kidneys failed. I sat by her bed and watch her deteriate. I couldn't except for two years that she was going to die.Her last days I broke finally- I cried harder than Ever cried in my entire life. After looking at her and how much pain she was in- I begged God to take her. I told her that Dad & I will be fine and for her to stop fighting and Go. My Dad was staying over in her room at the Hospital. On mAy 1, 2000 he called me to check up on me- that was 10:00 p.m.. He called again 1t 12:05, I say Dad when I picked up the phone- She's gone isn't she, He said yes, I dropped the phone and Cried for an hour and half until he finally got home from the hospital. It has effected still to this day, You never get use to losing a loved one!

My god I feel your pain, understand that your not alone, wish i could hug you and Inwood right now!!?? Bless you man.

 

[TygreBryte]

...yeah I cant' stay in here for more than about 5 lines at a time....