"What can I say to myself when . ." What do you say to yourself? A question about looks

[G-Lexington]

G Lexington,
I have hear about models who everyone think has no problem getting a date and they do. Some havent dated for long periods of time. And what will they heard from others? "Aw, poor little Miss pretty cant get a date"

So I guess you have heard from beautiful people and the troubles they have. Do you just not believe them? Or do you think they're just bad at problem-solving skills, and if you were hellaciously attractive, you wouldn't have those problems?

Lex

 

[m1thousand]

Lex,
I believe them


I did my first workout last night. 40 minutes on Tony Little fitness flyer . . .

For the record, Im . .
JUB (Sept 4th)

I should be about 170 lbs.

Im just putting that out there for the record. Im not looking for praise "Way to go M1thousand" (that type of thing)

(edit)

On a completely other note, m1thousand, don't put off the muscle work until you've lost the weight: building muscle helps burn fat faster than dieting. You won't lose pounds, you'll actually gain them; but you'll convert the fat-weight into muscle-weight, which is leaner, and the greater muscle mass will make burning the fat so much easier. Then, once the fat's off, you can start 'sculpting.' But go ahead and work on muscle mass now, not later, and chart your progress with inches instead of pounds: measure your waist, chest, arms, thighs, etc. rather than stepping on the scale.

Projects that require the success of another project before being started tend to not get started.

Swellegant, thanks for the fitness tip. I plan to lift weights as well.

Im looking through fitness apps for a routine I can use. If anyone knows a fitness app that shows you which exercises to do for a beginning workout, let me know

 

[ruivinho]

I'm guessing someone has said this before but.... I tend to feel the same as you do too often, and i feel better when i start to notice how ALL people look, instead of just the good-looking ones...
One day i decided to do that exercise at the airport....let's just say i'm sure you'll find yourself prettier than many ahah
Not sure if it is the healthiest way but it does work!

 

[m1thousand]

Ruivinho,
I havent noticed ALL of the people and I will try that. Thanks.

I was watching 'The Price is Right' and there was a guy who was attractive. He wasnt "Oh my God gorgeous" but he was attractive. I looked at the bad things about him. For example, he was wearing a dull shirt. He made this look with his tongue so I thought "you look silly with your tongue sticking out". It might not be what experts would recommend but 'noticing an attractive person's faults'

 

[bankside]

m1000, to clarify my point, it was, do you want your reflection to impress you, or someone you care about?

 

[m1thousand]

Have you never heard people disagree about whether someone is hot or not? They do all the time, because there is no one correct way to be attractive. I've heard so many people argue about who is hot or who is plain that I realize, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So realize if you got your wish and got to look like him, you might find your own reflection more attractive, but it is a guarantee that someone else would find you less attractive. Would you rather impress your reflection, or someone who already thinks you look fine.

Bankside,
let me try again with your post . . . .


So realize if you got your wish and got to look like him, you might find your own reflection more attractive
- My own reflection when I am me or when I am the other person.
You mean that 'my reflection' is more attractive when I am in the body of the other person. Is this what you meant?

but it is a guarantee that someone else would find you less attractive.
- I may be in another body but someone might find my reflection (as Mark) attractive. Is this what you meant?

Would you rather impress your reflection, or someone who already thinks you look fine
- The obvious answer is that I would like someone who thinks I look fine, but I dont know if I would to be honest. My head hurts from this lol

m1000, to clarify my point, it was, do you want your reflection to impress you, or someone you care about?

Hey, you used my proper name M1000 (although not available when I signed up) Thank you

I would want someone to care about me. Thats the obvious answer but since I dont have anyone in my life, I might be ok with trying to impress someone

 

[bankside]

I'm saying if you could push a button, you would change the way you look so it matches some feature on some guy you think looks hot. I'm saying, the price you would pay for that is someone out there would then find you less attractive than you are now.

So you would gain the advantage of finding your own reflection to be hot, but you would lose the opportunity of actually appealing to someone else who likes your current look better. My question is, would you rather turn yourself on in the mirror, or someone else on in real life.

Here's my example: I don't look like my boyfriend. He thinks I'm hot. I think he's hot. We don't look like twincest. We are actually fairly different physically except in height. But he is what I'm attracted to. The fact that we look different than each other, but also find each other hot, means we have different taste in men.

If I pushed the magic button and made myself look like him, I would enjoy looking in the mirror more. But then he would lose out. If he pushed the magic button and made himself look more like me, he would enjoy looking in the mirror more. But then I would miss how he looks now.

So when I see a hot guy, I don't think "I wish I looked like him," I think "I like the way he looks - I wonder if he likes the way I look! Maybe it's a match!" And sometimes it is.

 

[G-Lexington]

I think most people who want to be more attractive, in whatever sense, want to be more attractive to themselves. After all, these are people who don't believe they're attractive to anybody (often despite evidence to the contrary). Their mindset tends to run "an attractive person is soeone who looks like such-and-such, so I want to look like such-and-such" - to wit, they want to look like somebody that turns them on.

And this is why I might be in a different camp from the others. Because I DO think I'm attractive to myself o a degree. Yes, if I had some magic powers, I'd do some alterations. But I've deliberately worked on accepting, befriending and loving myself...and that includes learning to accept, like and love my body as well. Not quite to the point of me masturbating in front of a mirror or anything, but let's face it - masturbation's a lot more fun and pleasurable if you enjoy the body you're playing with.

Lex

 

[frankfrank]

Frank,
I watched Eye of The Beholder about 6 months ago and it really isnt that hard when you watch it again. You can see how they avoid showing the faces of the people. Its a running theme until the bandages come off of her. You dont expect it to turn out as it does so maybe you didnt notice how they work around it. Its kind of like 'Rope' and you think "how can Alfred Hitcock make a movie in one continous shot?". BUt when you watch it with that in mind, it really wasnt that hard. Zoom in on something black so the film can be changed.

True, but you KNOW what happens toward the end when the bandages come off. Hindsight is usually 20/20 or even 20/15. Of course because I watched it at its premiere, there was no prior knowledge to go by. Within seconds of my initial shock, I was asking myself "Uh...HOW IN THE HELL did they go nearly half an hour, not showing their faces, and we didn't notice?" I mean, it "got" my Mom, Dad, and older sister too. I mean, NOT SHOWING ANYBODY'S FACES is a really, really big deal. Just about anybody else I know who's familiar with the episode, too, was "got." Amazing that nothing made any of us question why the faces aren't being shown, especially when the episode is indeed entirely about HER face. So definitely somebody watching the episode is thinking about "faces" in some context, yet doesn't notice the faces of the people are obscured.

I consider it one of the most surprising phenomena I've ever seen, literally.

 

[m1thousand]

I did try Vimeo but the results came up empty. Good old Google came back with the full episode posted at Vimeo

In retrospect, it is weird but then again, it was The Twiglight Zone. I dont remember what I thought. I remember seeing the 'reveal' and then wanting to watch the whole episode

(ignore the stripes. It is the episode in full)

 

[m1thousand]

I'm saying if you could push a button, you would change the way you look so it matches some feature on some guy you think looks hot. I'm saying, the price you would pay for that is someone out there would then find you less attractive than you are now.

- Yes, I would push the button because I havent had alot of luck with men. For example, I know its not a great place to meet guys but considering where I live there isnt much of an option. The only guys interested in me are guys usually 56 or older.
To be fair, there were three guys that were interested in me who were in their 20's. At the time, I lacked confidence and the inner voice "why would anyone want to be with you" was the tape that was playing in my head.
Nothing against guys with one leg, but he was the most recent guy to show an interest.
I dont have that approachability. I hate my smile and I dont smile alot in photos. That doesnt help.

So you would gain the advantage of finding your own reflection to be hot, but you would lose the opportunity of actually appealing to someone else who likes your current look better. My question is, would you rather turn yourself on in the mirror, or someone else on in real life.
- Because of the examples I just described, I would probably rather turn myself on in the mirror than someone in real life

Here's my example: I don't look like my boyfriend. He thinks I'm hot. I think he's hot. We don't look like twincest. We are actually fairly different physically except in height. But he is what I'm attracted to. The fact that we look different than each other, but also find each other hot, means we have different taste in men.

If I pushed the magic button and made myself look like him, I would enjoy looking in the mirror more. But then he would lose out. If he pushed the magic button and made himself look more like me, he would enjoy looking in the mirror more. But then I would miss how he looks now.

So when I see a hot guy, I don't think "I wish I looked like him," I think "I like the way he looks - I wonder if he likes the way I look! Maybe it's a match!" And sometimes it is.
- I say I wish I looked like him


I dont mind myself as long as I dont have to look in the mirror. I look in the mirror and there are times when I feel hideous (although, hopefully, I am not). BUt I will not want to go out in public and be seen. Thats just how I feel. I have had this battle with my looks for a long time. I have had times when I feel like I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders and they are trying to convince me that I look good or I look not good (and that happens when I see an attractive guy)

Body dysmorphia is about distorted thinking and usually you see someone and you cant understand why they think they are ugly. I feel like I have it but - to a degree - I feel ugly.

Right now, my focus is on the dark circles under my eyes. I had to go to the post office today and I didnt want to because I didnt feel good about how I looked. I bought concealer a few months ago but I bought the wrong shade and it doesnt seen to work.

Ive tried taking photos of myself for social apps but it seems like I never have a good photo that I would want to post. This is the photo that I use for social apps. While other guys have their face front and center, I have on a hat to hide my hair and the Ipod hides part of my face. (The photo is two photos merged together)

Im thinking about that guy who said he had a small cock and he didnt. Everyone reading this is probably wondering "what does he look like" so Im ok about showing this photo, but just as with the photos for social ap, I dont like any of the other photos I have taken of myself

And this is NOT a ploy to get guys saying "I think you look good". Im not into that.
My therapist would tell you that this is a ongoing issue for me and I appreciate that he doesnt say things like "you look fine". He listens to what I have to say

 

[m1thousand]

Continued . . .

G Lexington,
I addressed your post in my comments about Im ok being at home with myself (sometimes). Its just when I go out that I feel ugly because I am looking at attractive guys and comparing myself.

Ive gotten the body aspect down - "they have worked out and thats why they have a body that looks like that, you could too if you worked out" - I just havent gotten to the looks part of it down where I feel ok about myself

Obviously Im not going to show bad photos of myself but I will show Bankside a photo where I do look bad so he can at least see what I mean

 

[m1thousand]

Ok, I sent a bunch of - good and bad - photos to Bankside.

I got up because I couldnt sleep and I was replying to the posts above. Maybe Im crazy but Ill post this photo that I took yesterday because I have a new coat. Its an ok photo even though I see the dark circles

But I didnt want to be like that guy (I dont mean Birddog) who complained about his small cock and it wasnt small. He wanted a thicker cock. Everyone was wondering what his cock looked like so I didnt want people to wonder what I looked like after all of this

Actually, the photo isnt that bad and I might use it as my social app photo

As I showed Bankside, my gorgeous parents. Dad looking like Errol Flynn

 

[rareboy]

You know, it has occurred to me that one thing you should stop doing...and I really mean stop...is obsessing over muscle sites and muscle models. Take your head out of that game. If any one thing contaminates your view of what is 'ideal' in a body...this has to be it.

As others have suggested, instead of only noticing beauty in others....why not just start paying attention to everyone you see....and get out there and see more people.

As someone who has managed to lose 25 pounds of extra weight this year, I can assure you that it will do wonders for your health and your own self-image and confidence. Use a site like Fitnesspro or one of the others to monitor your calories and nutrition. Focus on that instead of visual.

And as everyone will also be telling you...you are not a bad looking guy.

 

[bankside]

Body dysmorphia is about distorted thinking and usually you see someone and you cant understand why they think they are ugly. I feel like I have it but - to a degree - I feel ugly.

From what I understand about body dysmorphia, those kinds of thoughts come up all the time. Thoughts like this:

- Yes, I would push the button because I havent had alot of luck with men.
- I say I wish I looked like him

I also think that one of the strongest ways to deal with those thoughts is to do exactly what you're doing in this thread, to ask about and focus on, and try to understand how other people think in the same situation - people who don't have tendencies toward dysmorphic thoughts.

So the button I pushed in my own life was not to change my appearance. The button I pushed was the "mute" button on my inner voice saying "why would anyone want to be with you." The button I pushed was to be more outgoing, even when I'm tired or shy or outside my comfort zone, to make myself more approachable. To be honest, my "outgoing" button doesn't always work. Sometimes you have to jiggle it a bit. But I keep pushing it and it works okay enough. The last one was pushing the button that makes me realize a guy with one leg can be genuinely hot. (actually i don't have a button for that…it's more of a…lever… )

Continued . . .
Obviously Im not going to show bad photos of myself but I will show Bankside a photo where I do look bad so he can at least see what I mean

m1000, one thing I suggest you do is google "stars without makeup" and you will see that every person, even people who earn their living from their appearance, have all had really bad photos taken of them. Not "really great photos taken of ugly them." But "really bad photos taken of just fine them."

 

[m1thousand]

Rareboy,

I understand what you mean but I think it might be because I havent been to that certain muscle forum. I was there for 12 years and being around muscle photos didnt bother me. I think Im going through a phase because I dont see as many muscle guys as I used to when I was at a forum about muscles. But your suggestion makes sense as well but for me it would be like asking a gay guy to not view porn. Who could do that? ;-)

As others have suggested, instead of only noticing beauty in others....why not just start paying attention to everyone you see....and get out there and see more people.
- I think this is a good suggestion in that I could occupy my mind with something else. Maybe I have to think of something crazy about people as I see them. For example, in a bank line, I could say "This guy secretly steals his wifes socks and masturbates with them. This woman searches for numbers and every time she sees a number, she then does her counting game (whatever that is). This older woman is a Jon Cryer fan (2 and 1/2 Men) and she looks for guys who look like Jon Cryer throughout her day

As someone who has managed to lose 25 pounds of extra weight this year, I can assure you that it will do wonders for your health and your own self-image and confidence. Use a site like Fitnesspro or one of the others to monitor your calories and nutrition. Focus on that instead of visual.

- I lost 50 lbs in 2003 and it was nice getting people noticing my change in weight. People who hadnt seen me making double takes. What I didnt know then was how easy it is to gain the weight back and thats exactly what happened.

I was looking thru apps last night and found one to count calories and quite a few that are interactive and keep track as you exercise. Unfortunately, Men's Health Personal Trainer costs about $15 a month to use, but there are similar apps which tell you what exercises to do.

And as everyone will also be telling you...you are not a bad looking guy.
- Thank you. There are times when I dont believe it and thats just something I have to work on


Bankside,
Body dysmorphia is a pre-occupation with how one looks. It often includes irrational thoughts about body parts and how you view yourself. For example, I am only happy with my ears and my mouth. I can probably find something wrong with every body part.

I was pre occupied with the gap between my teeth in grade 5 and thats how it all started. I got braces, the teeth looked great, but I didnt understand the importance of wearing the retainer which made me lisp and I was in grade 7. I would not wear it as a result and my teeth moved back. Today I have a gap between my teeth but I just dont think about it as much as I used to since I cant really do anything about it and gapped teeth arent as noticeable as it was back then before people like Madonna came along.

I think I need to make myself more approachable. I have people (women too) who smile at me and I have this blank look on my face at times - if Im caught off guard - because I dont want to smile and show my gap. But we live in a society where smiling is important and I just need to loosen up and do it more often

It occured to me that my neice has a forceps mark on her cheek from her birth. It is not a very noticeable one but it is there and she uses makeup to hide it. I know people will say "just accept it" but I think I would rather get something that works for me to cover up the dark circles and use it like many woman do in that they wont let anyone see them without makeup.

Speaking of which, I have seen celebs without makeup and it can be surprising. But Im willing to put on makeup if that is what it requires. After all, we do live in a looks based society and most women wear makeup although I have one sister who doesnt. But going around with dark circles isnt a good look, imo.

Maybe a "how to be more photogenic" website would be helpful

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You're definitely NOT the Quasimodo you make yourself out to be. You look like you could be a very fun, and charming person to hang around. Are you a modelesque movie star sex god? No... but you could be a 'sex god' to someone. I think you need to let go the Disney Princess notion of finding, or being the perfect Prince Charming and join the rest of society and find that niche that you DO fit into and stop trying to be something/someone you're not.

If I had to pick categories for you, I would put you more in the "Daddy/Bear" section. Yes... I could feel you cringe from here.

With a little research I'm sure you'd find there are a lot of extremely handsome/built men in those area's who would love to find someone like you, including their sub-groups of "Chasers", and "otters", and whatever else that goes with them.

The only things I would suggest:

Stop hiding under a hat. You're bald. Wear it proudly. Trim/shave your head and own who you are. The hat doesn't fool anyone. Fortunately for you bald/shaved heads are IN.

Secondly: SMILE. Confidence, and a warm, friendly personality is about the sexiest thing ever. (You can even fake the confidence if you have to... never let them see you sweat).

I guarantee there are people out there more than willing to accept your 'faults' and give you a chance, if you're willing to do the same thing in return, and more than likely they will like you BECAUSE of them. YOU cannot decide what it is that attracts other people. Big ears, a gap between teeth, a big nose, hairy chest... WHATEVER... someone's going to think it's adorable.

Ever hear the saying, "One man's trash is another man's treasure" ? The very things you don't like, someone else will absolutely love about you... you just have to find them, and/or get yourself out there where they can find you.

 

[bankside]

m1000,

On one hand you have the right to listen to advice and decide what works for you.
On the other hand, you started this thread recognizing that something was bothering you about your mindset, and asking other people how they react differently.

My best advice was this bit I think:

to ask about and focus on, and try to understand how other people think in the same situation

So instead of buying man makeup, try to figure out why I would not do that in the same situation. If you see a gap in your teeth and you know people would say "just accept it," figure out why they are saying that instead of hiding their own smiles.

I think you need to do more of that kind of questioning.

 

[m1thousand]

Borg,
I was thinking of our friend 'Mr. Narrow cock' as this thread progressed. I remember it was beginning to turn into folklore as he spoke about his small cock ( which wasnt small) he should have said "I wish my cock was thicker"
I didn't want the same folklore to happen with me as others try to guess what I might look like.

It's true people can take bad photos and I showed Bankside a bad photo of myself after I had just had an anxiety attack and I was sweating. It wasnt a good photo and I should just remember "ok so it wasnt a good photo"

I may not look like Quasimodo but the body dysmorphia can really make you believe that you do and I guess that's why they call it a disorder. It would have been better if I was smiling but I was using a camera app that makes a siren sound as it counts down and I wasn't sure when the photo is snapped.

But I just went through my social apps and made this photo my new default photo.

I know about hiding under a hat. I do it when I'm having a sweating/ anxiety attack and the whoe thing about hair. Yes. I did cringe when you referred to me as a bear. I don't like being / I don't think of myself as a bear and my plan to lose weight will change that.

I don't know how you know me so well since we've had a few run ins but I aso cut my hair shorter than I had in the past and it looks better than the length - a few mms - I had it at prior. I can sleep on it and no bed head.

Thank you for the comments

Bankside,
Thank you for not writing another mind bender He he

It is interesting to hear from others who say they don't think about who is good looking and who isn't meanwhile that's what I think about when I see one of those attractive people.

I can deal with my gapped teeth. It gives me character I guess and although Lauren Hutton had it long before Madonna, Madonna is the one who made it famous. Half the board is scratching their head and saying " Lauren who?"

This is Lauren . . .

. .

But for myself, when I feel like it, I may use cover up for my 'latest' albatross

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I don't know how you know me so well since we've had a few run ins

... because believe it or not, WE have all been where you are.

We managed to find a way to live within our own skins - for better or worse.

We get up each day, do the best we can, and go out and face life... AS IS. Faults and all.

We go to work, make friends, take a chance and get in relationships with the cards we were dealt and find whatever happiness we can, in spite of our shortcomings.

Were our species to rely on you for continuation, we'd be in a world of hurt and long ago extinct.

"Survival of the Fittest" means those willing to get back up after being knocked down... not that the prettiest ones are the only ones of value.

Your pictures look relatively the same as dozens of others here at JUB who lead productive lives, and have had, or are currently in relationships. If we can do it, you can too. No more whining. No more excuses. No more running around in circles justifying your behavior.

Decide NOW... Today... that you're going to stop wallowing in self pity over things you have NO control over and get out there and find the happiness you know you deserve. Take a chance. Then another, and another, and another.