What is the use any more? What is the reason for going on? What is the reason for living? What value is there in my continuing to live?
This world will be a lot better off without my sorry, good for nothing, worthless body in it any longer. I have such a pathetic, absolutely pathetic, life and I am sick of it, sick of the torment, sick of the shit, sick of being sick, sick of facing each day, sick of the loneliness, sick of the rejection, sick of the game. There comes a point when you just have to face the facts of the game and realize that it is over and to bow out gracefully.
I am also sick of people telling me that it will get better, of people telling me that brighter days are ahead, and I am sick of people faking their interest in me. What do they know about me? My life? What I feel inside of me? The way I feel about things? What it is that I am missing in my life? I am sick of living a life for 45 years that has been nothing but one heartache and heartbreak after another and then to wonder why? What is the reason? What is the purpose? Then to ask myself why I do I even care? Then to have done it all alone without anyone there to share my sorrow, my misery, my joys, my happiness, and to share just me.
I have put a few postings on here, not many really, and I felt like shit afterwards. One person did show some concern and set up a conversation on MSN Messenger and then that soon ended. I look for like minded people in chat rooms such as Gay.com, Yahoo chat and no one ever returns a hello after I say hi to them. I am ignored all the time. The few people who did return a hello have never said another word. They didn’t even see a picture of me, even get a description of me, didn’t even give me the time of day and off they went. I have profiles out on the web at various online dating sites, and yes I do realize that most of them are probably only there for a hookup or quickie, but I can’t even get a response from them, at least that is serious. I am so sick of the gamers, the players, and the people who just play mind games with people. Don’t they realize what they are doing to other people? To their minds? To their value? To their self-worth? To their self-esteem? Do you people here on JUB even realize what your smart ass comments do to others in the same above mentioned categories? Get a life! Get a job! Get out and meet people! Get involved with other gay people! Get involved in gay organizations! Get out where other gay people associate at! Yeah right. Like we all live in the “gay” world where everything is just there waiting for us, just around the corner, look in the phone book under gay, where there is a large gay community that hosts all kind of things, or that we are all rich and independently wealthy and can afford to travel to these places of Shangri La and spend money on motel and hotel rooms, meals, and such. Does that mean we take time off of work to do that? What happens if we don’t have the time or the money to do it? Just how the hell do you propose that the rest of us do that? And what about those of us that live in the rural areas of this country that don’t have anything going on other than senior bingo afternoon at the local VFW or American Legion Hall? Where do you propose we go to meet people at that don’t use walkers, wheel chairs, and hearing devices?
I don’t even know why I have lasted this long. I was ready to go 10 years ago and it was only the thought of my mother that prevented me from carrying out my plan. A plan that would put me in a spot that I would be happy at, at peace, at comfort, and without anymore pain of rejection. A warm summer day, the middle of a nice swamp, a tree, a rope, the flies, the tall grass, the chance to just disappear. In a couple years there will be no trace left that I even existed on this planet. The grass would make sure of that. Always pulling down what is on top and burying it underneath the new layer, over time I will become a fossil for someone to find a million years from now. And who will even care? I have no one left that would. If my only living brother and sister cared don’t you think that they would at least call me once in awhile? Stop by the house to see me? After all they live less than five miles away and don’t even bother. Oh, I can make the effort to go to them but the selfish, self-centered bastards only care about themselves and getting their hands on the money. Well, I am making sure that they don’t get their hands on my money after I am gone as I am changing my Testament now as well and it is going to go support some other worthless cause, the George W. Bush Presidential Library Fund. Be damned if I am going to give them anything. Not even my nieces and nephews can make an effort to visit me or call. NO, but I certainly can go to them whenever they beckon for a birthday gift or what not. NOBODY stops by the house or calls and when I see people around town or at church they will ask how I am doing and when I say not the best right now they say OH and then walk away. What the fuck is that about and why did you even ask if you didn’t give a shit. What two faced bastards they are. What did they feel like they had to say something to me just to make them selves feel good inside? I know that I am a pariah in this community and that many people, if not most, look down upon me for the decisions that I have made and the voice that I gave to what I saw as wrong doing and corruption in people who held positions of trust and who have embezzled money from a community organization. What was I supposed to do just be quiet like all the rest of them when I was placed in charge of the organization to bring order to it? And then when I took it from $45,000 in the red to showing a balance of $17,000 in three years, I didn’t even get a word of thanks or anything. Instead, two days after my mother passed away while I was planning a funeral and getting things lined up I was expected to be at the town festival working my ass off for them and then they didn’t even make it to the funeral home or to the church for the Mass. And I should care about them?
Those of you who read my other posts know of the situation with my mom as well as other members of my family that have gone. Taking care of my mom was what kept me going, what got me up each day. What gave me purpose in life and made myself feel like I had a purpose. Now there is no one, nothing, just emptiness. Each day I awake to the same thing, the same feelings, the same empty house, the same empty day, the same empty feelings, the same rejections I get from others. When I contact someone after they don’t respond for a couple days, I send them a note and just let them know that their silence tells the story and not to feel bad about the rejection as I am use to it. My whole life is just empty. My friends, if you can call them that, have all abandoned me what few I was able to have. They didn’t understand or couldn’t accept the time constraints that I worked under before and that priorities came before them. Now, the only people who are around and talk to me is all older people, 70+ in age and I have no interest in them, nothing in common with them, and no shared interests. The straight people that I knew from around all are married, have families, have kids involved in things and are busy with that aspect of their lives and don’t open up and involve a single, middle aged, balding, fat guy.
The people at the schools that I work at will talk to me while I am at school but if they see me outside of school, they don’t have anything to say or to even recognize that I am there. Some talk about how I am just the best sub that they have had and all and never once ask how I am doing and they know exactly what I went through the past couple years. Some even at times asked me specifically how to do certain things regarding Medicare funding, testing, and how to get a certain test performed. After all I was the expert I guess. Now, they don’t care but I make sure that I ask how they are doing and how they holding up under conditions. Always the caring one but never the cared for one.
I did make contact with some people that I use to work with years ago and three people showed up for a lunch/brunch get together. Again, I had to travel to them and after the first smile and hug and when one of them asked me how I was doing after going through everything this past year especially and when I said that I am not doing to well with it all and trying to handle everything, their response was oh, and then promptly moved on to them and their troubles and problems and issues that they are having. I haven’t seen these people probably for like 4 years or so and it was their suggestion that we get together some time via a Christmas card. They seemed to have no care or concern regarding me and only on themselves. So are these friends? Are these the people that we turn to when we are having problems and need help? Why? What good would it be or do?
I also have made contact with one person that I met off of Craigslist who is new to the area and really only temporary here. He lives out of town and is here only visiting and staying with family. We communicate basically via text messages as he hates to write by email and we have spoken on the phone a couple times but it seems like he does best with texting. We met in person when I said that I was going to make a trip to a gay bar and if he wanted to go along. He said sure and we went together. We stopped and had a little supper and talked on the drive. He turned out to be the hit of the night at the bar and I was well ………. the leftovers. Afterwards he came back to my house as it was closer seeing how it was so late or should I say early in the morning when I got back and I was tired after being up 24 hours. He helped me with a computer problem and then I took him back home. The next weekend we were going to just hang out for the night and go to a bar near his house and just do whatever. That didn’t happen as he called and wanted a ride to Minneapolis to meet up with some friends of his who flew into town. We walked into the hotel and that was the last that I saw of him or heard from him until he texted me and then called me the next morning when he was in trouble. I had already left town and came back home after sitting for an hour and a half with the hotel security wondering why I was just sitting in the lobby. He was in trouble and then wanted me to drive back to get him which I said I would and he said he was going to a friends house and would call me when he got there. I got a text from him and then never heard another word until that night when he said that he just woke up and that he didn’t want me to see him like he was. He asked to pick him the next day whenever I was free and haven’t heard a word from him, he won’t answer text messages or respond to voice mail or even to email. He was just a friend I thought but maybe just another game player, user, and get what I can while I can type person. Sing the sad song and wiggle the ass and everyone will come running. And me being me I drop whatever to help and get suckered in to another problem.
I was looking through pictures to sort through them and to give away ones and to throw away others and to make copies of still others for the ungrateful ones and I don’t know what happened to that nice looking boy that turned into me. I was looking through pictures of me in middle school, high school, college, and beyond and boy, how could anyone love that? No wonder no one was friendly in school. No wonder people picked on you, called you names, castigated you, shunted you aside, and didn’t want anything to do with you. But what they didn’t know was what was going on inside the home. What was happening with the alcoholic abusive father, the divorce, the turmoil, the lack of money, the lack of everyday things, the medical problems with my brother, the expenses, the having to do without so we could live. The trying to find a father figure person and trying to find anyone who would accept you. Why would a person feel good now when you never have? Why should anything be different now? It is the same person, the same shape, the same size, the same funny face, the same stupid person. Why aren’t you laughing now? Why aren’t you ridiculing me now? Why aren’t you telling me to get a life? Why aren’t you telling me brighter days are ahead? Why aren’t you saying anything? Why is anyone supposed to suddenly feel good about themselves when all their life they have been subjected to the most cruel, most humiliating, most vindictive, and most hatred words spoken and then when one person does say “I like you” a person has such a built up wall around them for protection that your first response is to immediately relate it to the past and how everyone picked on you. And yeah I realize and know that a lot of people got picked on in school. That is part of growing up and part of school and that I should just grow up and get over it. Easy to say isn’t it? Have you ever tried to do it? Have any of you ever truly followed your own advice? Have any of you actually had to go through the pain, the torment, the humiliation, and the feelings inside that keep telling you that you are worthless? The wall is pretty big and pretty solid and you just don’t take a hammer and knock it over.
Taking care of mom and dad, yeah even after all he did and after the divorce I still went to see him and tried to help him and take care of him, it was me that did it. The others didn’t. What the hell, the gay boy can do it he doesn’t have anyone in his life, he doesn’t have the commitments like we do. He’s got the time on his hands. No one lifted a finger to help, to offer to help, to even offer to give me a break for a weekend so that I could go do something myself. When my dad died in February my sister had to camp in the friggin hospital room so that we could put a show on for everyone. Waited two hours to call to say that he was gone and then didn’t know what to do with him or what plans were made. I paid for the funeral out of my own money in 2005 and helped him set up a trust. My sister didn’t even know where he lived but wanted to go so she could dig through his stuff and had to read everything. Found the pictures and absconded with them and no one has seen them since. Don’t even offer to make copies for others. Not like what I am doing with my mom’s stuff. I am making the copies and burning them to a DVD for them. I did have the attorney file a claim against his few assets though for the $20,000 dollars that I gave him for expenses and got a whopping $4000 back.
I am thankful I was here for my mom and that I was able to make her life better for the last couple years and to be here for her when she lost two children. No one else even came or visited with her or even called. When she was in the hospital the last time, my sister came one afternoon while she was still groggy from the surgery and the next time was after I called to let her know that mom was going. By then it was too late to talk to her. My brother never came once during the 18 days she was in the hospital. Not once. Didn’t even call. I was there every day with her from early morning till late at night.
At her funeral, I was shocked at how few people from a town and community and county that she lived in for 50 years of her life actually came to her funeral either at the funeral home or at the church and how few people actually bothered to send a card or to call. All of these people, the assholes, who feigned interest, sincerity, love for her while she was sick and wanted to know every last bloody detail of her life never bothered to lift a finger after she was gone. Many of them now don’t even talk to me if they meet me on the street, at the post office, gas station or what ever. What great friends they were. And I am supposed to respect them? They are supposed to care about me? Fuck them. Fuck this town. Fuck everyone. Just fuck off people. Just leave me the hell alone then and let me suffer and die in peace.
The holidays were a bad time for me and I spent 40 days in the dark and not giving a rat’s ass if anything happened or went on around me. For the first time in my life I had to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by myself, with no family around on those days, nothing to do, no place to go, nothing opened to go to, and no one to share a happy time with. Then I had to decorate the house, the same house that my mother was in, for Christmas as I had to have the family Christmas party which was held the weekend after so that my niece coming back from Denmark could be here. I had to re-live all of the Christmas’ past and all of the things that we did in the house and then they all leave without saying a word. Not caring if I was alright with all the memories, the emotions, the troubles. I didn’t start feeling like doing anything until the end of January and then that was short lived and now I am deeper into the darkness than ever before. I don’t care if I eat, I don’t care if the house is cleaned up, and I don’t care if the sun rises. I have a few projects for mom to get finished up and then …………………………………….
I have had prayed to Jesus to come get me. To take me home and to end this suffering. I have prayed to have or to get a terminal illness that will end it quickly by me refusing medical treatment. I have even thought about the rope again but we don’t have a warm sunny time in the swamp grass but there is the semi-trucks doing 70 down the roads, which is quicker, less than 3 seconds and its over.
Those of you who read my posts know about my past and the way in which I was living now. I just did my taxes and I don’t know how I am going to make it. Three quarters of my income, what little there is, goes to pay for health insurance. If I include interest income, I will have available for living expenses, water, heat, electric, food, insurance on the car, and gas about 3000 dollars. My heat expense is $300 a month alone, car insurance is $900 and who knows what gas is going to be. Yeah tell me to go out and find a job. I have looked, I have looked for part time, and I have looked for something in the evenings and on weekends that I can do with my other job, I have even hired a job recruiter. There is nothing around here. By the time I get done, I won’t have to worry about giving money away in my will as there won’t be any left to give away. I don’t even have money to go out to eat once a week. And the health insurance covers 3 sessions with a mental health provider. Then it is private pay. Already checked into that. What good is that? I don’t have the money to put food out for me little alone paying for that. There are no frills left for me. I don’t go out because I don’t have the money, I don’t belong to any internet sites that I have to pay for, I don’t buy name brand food items and shop at Wal-Mart and buy their brand. I don’t buy meat as it is too expensive. Crackers and water make a nice meal.
And then there is the postings that I made regarding Sean. Yeah Sean. And the ridicule that I got in responses about hearing voices and seeing things. Well, explain to me then what it really was? The night my mom passed away I knew I was being sent out of the room for some thing. Two nights before I had the white light come back to me but this time it was behind a wall and I couldn’t see around it. Mom’s room was being prepared for her. After my dad passed away, a man who had no believes at all, had no ideas about anything, on two different occasions there was one lone white feather falling from the ceiling in front of me, one at home one at school, and just falling slowly. Not moving in the air that was circulating, not moving in any other manner but just straight down. And yes, I still believe in them, in what I saw, what I heard, what I was told. And Sean has still not been a part of my life and I do know that he is now once again back at his home, no job, no work, no love interest, looking hard to find it. And he rejected me just like all the rest and without a word. Do I hate him? NO. In fact I still care about him very much. I just don’t understand why, is all? I called him at Christmas time and left a voice mail message wishing him a Merry Christmas. I called on New Years Eve and he picked up the phone and I spoke with him personally and wished him a Happy New Year and he did the same to me. He asked what I was doing on New Years and he told me that he was at a party so I said that I would let him go so that he could be with his friends and he said that he would call to get caught up with me. He has never called back. I have called him on the main holidays, Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day (he is Irish) and left him voice mail messages wishing him the best. This last time I told him to call me during the day while I am work and leave me a message if he wants me to stop calling him and wishing him the best. No call.
I just got done reading The Shack and loved it so much. I can’t wait to go and visit with God and Jesus and to be with them when this is all over with. There will be a shack for me as well and I will be able to be with everyone at a place where there is only love, only comfort, only joy, only good times, and only peace. My pains and torments will be done, gone, no more and I will finally be at peace.
I have written this over several weeks and have left it. Thinking it is therapy to write. Well, its not. The guy that I met from out of town who left me in Minneapolis was gone a week. Messed up big time again with his “friends.” He is from New Orleans originally and is heading back there. He wants me to go with him and take him back and he wants to show me the town and thinks that it would be good for me and that I will be able to find a job down there and start over. Down there he says, nobody cares about your past only the here and now. My sister and brother are now calling me all the time because a little Miss Busy Body saw me having trouble at church one night and called my sister. Now they are concerned. Now they want to get involved. Before it was who cares now they think there is a problem. And I called Sean to wish him a Happy Easter and his phone has been turned off and the number has been cancelled. The one person who I cared for the most and just vanished. I don’t understand what is happening in my life right now at all. I am preparing to leave on a journey on Easter Sunday and I don’t know where the journey will lead me of if I will return from the journey.
I just want someone to love me. I just want someone that I can love. I just want someone to care enough about me that they would send the very best. I just want ………………………. just want this shit to end. I want it to be over with.
This world will be a lot better off without my sorry, good for nothing, worthless body in it any longer. I have such a pathetic, absolutely pathetic, life and I am sick of it, sick of the torment, sick of the shit, sick of being sick, sick of facing each day, sick of the loneliness, sick of the rejection, sick of the game. There comes a point when you just have to face the facts of the game and realize that it is over and to bow out gracefully.
I am also sick of people telling me that it will get better, of people telling me that brighter days are ahead, and I am sick of people faking their interest in me. What do they know about me? My life? What I feel inside of me? The way I feel about things? What it is that I am missing in my life? I am sick of living a life for 45 years that has been nothing but one heartache and heartbreak after another and then to wonder why? What is the reason? What is the purpose? Then to ask myself why I do I even care? Then to have done it all alone without anyone there to share my sorrow, my misery, my joys, my happiness, and to share just me.
I have put a few postings on here, not many really, and I felt like shit afterwards. One person did show some concern and set up a conversation on MSN Messenger and then that soon ended. I look for like minded people in chat rooms such as Gay.com, Yahoo chat and no one ever returns a hello after I say hi to them. I am ignored all the time. The few people who did return a hello have never said another word. They didn’t even see a picture of me, even get a description of me, didn’t even give me the time of day and off they went. I have profiles out on the web at various online dating sites, and yes I do realize that most of them are probably only there for a hookup or quickie, but I can’t even get a response from them, at least that is serious. I am so sick of the gamers, the players, and the people who just play mind games with people. Don’t they realize what they are doing to other people? To their minds? To their value? To their self-worth? To their self-esteem? Do you people here on JUB even realize what your smart ass comments do to others in the same above mentioned categories? Get a life! Get a job! Get out and meet people! Get involved with other gay people! Get involved in gay organizations! Get out where other gay people associate at! Yeah right. Like we all live in the “gay” world where everything is just there waiting for us, just around the corner, look in the phone book under gay, where there is a large gay community that hosts all kind of things, or that we are all rich and independently wealthy and can afford to travel to these places of Shangri La and spend money on motel and hotel rooms, meals, and such. Does that mean we take time off of work to do that? What happens if we don’t have the time or the money to do it? Just how the hell do you propose that the rest of us do that? And what about those of us that live in the rural areas of this country that don’t have anything going on other than senior bingo afternoon at the local VFW or American Legion Hall? Where do you propose we go to meet people at that don’t use walkers, wheel chairs, and hearing devices?
I don’t even know why I have lasted this long. I was ready to go 10 years ago and it was only the thought of my mother that prevented me from carrying out my plan. A plan that would put me in a spot that I would be happy at, at peace, at comfort, and without anymore pain of rejection. A warm summer day, the middle of a nice swamp, a tree, a rope, the flies, the tall grass, the chance to just disappear. In a couple years there will be no trace left that I even existed on this planet. The grass would make sure of that. Always pulling down what is on top and burying it underneath the new layer, over time I will become a fossil for someone to find a million years from now. And who will even care? I have no one left that would. If my only living brother and sister cared don’t you think that they would at least call me once in awhile? Stop by the house to see me? After all they live less than five miles away and don’t even bother. Oh, I can make the effort to go to them but the selfish, self-centered bastards only care about themselves and getting their hands on the money. Well, I am making sure that they don’t get their hands on my money after I am gone as I am changing my Testament now as well and it is going to go support some other worthless cause, the George W. Bush Presidential Library Fund. Be damned if I am going to give them anything. Not even my nieces and nephews can make an effort to visit me or call. NO, but I certainly can go to them whenever they beckon for a birthday gift or what not. NOBODY stops by the house or calls and when I see people around town or at church they will ask how I am doing and when I say not the best right now they say OH and then walk away. What the fuck is that about and why did you even ask if you didn’t give a shit. What two faced bastards they are. What did they feel like they had to say something to me just to make them selves feel good inside? I know that I am a pariah in this community and that many people, if not most, look down upon me for the decisions that I have made and the voice that I gave to what I saw as wrong doing and corruption in people who held positions of trust and who have embezzled money from a community organization. What was I supposed to do just be quiet like all the rest of them when I was placed in charge of the organization to bring order to it? And then when I took it from $45,000 in the red to showing a balance of $17,000 in three years, I didn’t even get a word of thanks or anything. Instead, two days after my mother passed away while I was planning a funeral and getting things lined up I was expected to be at the town festival working my ass off for them and then they didn’t even make it to the funeral home or to the church for the Mass. And I should care about them?
Those of you who read my other posts know of the situation with my mom as well as other members of my family that have gone. Taking care of my mom was what kept me going, what got me up each day. What gave me purpose in life and made myself feel like I had a purpose. Now there is no one, nothing, just emptiness. Each day I awake to the same thing, the same feelings, the same empty house, the same empty day, the same empty feelings, the same rejections I get from others. When I contact someone after they don’t respond for a couple days, I send them a note and just let them know that their silence tells the story and not to feel bad about the rejection as I am use to it. My whole life is just empty. My friends, if you can call them that, have all abandoned me what few I was able to have. They didn’t understand or couldn’t accept the time constraints that I worked under before and that priorities came before them. Now, the only people who are around and talk to me is all older people, 70+ in age and I have no interest in them, nothing in common with them, and no shared interests. The straight people that I knew from around all are married, have families, have kids involved in things and are busy with that aspect of their lives and don’t open up and involve a single, middle aged, balding, fat guy.
The people at the schools that I work at will talk to me while I am at school but if they see me outside of school, they don’t have anything to say or to even recognize that I am there. Some talk about how I am just the best sub that they have had and all and never once ask how I am doing and they know exactly what I went through the past couple years. Some even at times asked me specifically how to do certain things regarding Medicare funding, testing, and how to get a certain test performed. After all I was the expert I guess. Now, they don’t care but I make sure that I ask how they are doing and how they holding up under conditions. Always the caring one but never the cared for one.
I did make contact with some people that I use to work with years ago and three people showed up for a lunch/brunch get together. Again, I had to travel to them and after the first smile and hug and when one of them asked me how I was doing after going through everything this past year especially and when I said that I am not doing to well with it all and trying to handle everything, their response was oh, and then promptly moved on to them and their troubles and problems and issues that they are having. I haven’t seen these people probably for like 4 years or so and it was their suggestion that we get together some time via a Christmas card. They seemed to have no care or concern regarding me and only on themselves. So are these friends? Are these the people that we turn to when we are having problems and need help? Why? What good would it be or do?
I also have made contact with one person that I met off of Craigslist who is new to the area and really only temporary here. He lives out of town and is here only visiting and staying with family. We communicate basically via text messages as he hates to write by email and we have spoken on the phone a couple times but it seems like he does best with texting. We met in person when I said that I was going to make a trip to a gay bar and if he wanted to go along. He said sure and we went together. We stopped and had a little supper and talked on the drive. He turned out to be the hit of the night at the bar and I was well ………. the leftovers. Afterwards he came back to my house as it was closer seeing how it was so late or should I say early in the morning when I got back and I was tired after being up 24 hours. He helped me with a computer problem and then I took him back home. The next weekend we were going to just hang out for the night and go to a bar near his house and just do whatever. That didn’t happen as he called and wanted a ride to Minneapolis to meet up with some friends of his who flew into town. We walked into the hotel and that was the last that I saw of him or heard from him until he texted me and then called me the next morning when he was in trouble. I had already left town and came back home after sitting for an hour and a half with the hotel security wondering why I was just sitting in the lobby. He was in trouble and then wanted me to drive back to get him which I said I would and he said he was going to a friends house and would call me when he got there. I got a text from him and then never heard another word until that night when he said that he just woke up and that he didn’t want me to see him like he was. He asked to pick him the next day whenever I was free and haven’t heard a word from him, he won’t answer text messages or respond to voice mail or even to email. He was just a friend I thought but maybe just another game player, user, and get what I can while I can type person. Sing the sad song and wiggle the ass and everyone will come running. And me being me I drop whatever to help and get suckered in to another problem.
I was looking through pictures to sort through them and to give away ones and to throw away others and to make copies of still others for the ungrateful ones and I don’t know what happened to that nice looking boy that turned into me. I was looking through pictures of me in middle school, high school, college, and beyond and boy, how could anyone love that? No wonder no one was friendly in school. No wonder people picked on you, called you names, castigated you, shunted you aside, and didn’t want anything to do with you. But what they didn’t know was what was going on inside the home. What was happening with the alcoholic abusive father, the divorce, the turmoil, the lack of money, the lack of everyday things, the medical problems with my brother, the expenses, the having to do without so we could live. The trying to find a father figure person and trying to find anyone who would accept you. Why would a person feel good now when you never have? Why should anything be different now? It is the same person, the same shape, the same size, the same funny face, the same stupid person. Why aren’t you laughing now? Why aren’t you ridiculing me now? Why aren’t you telling me to get a life? Why aren’t you telling me brighter days are ahead? Why aren’t you saying anything? Why is anyone supposed to suddenly feel good about themselves when all their life they have been subjected to the most cruel, most humiliating, most vindictive, and most hatred words spoken and then when one person does say “I like you” a person has such a built up wall around them for protection that your first response is to immediately relate it to the past and how everyone picked on you. And yeah I realize and know that a lot of people got picked on in school. That is part of growing up and part of school and that I should just grow up and get over it. Easy to say isn’t it? Have you ever tried to do it? Have any of you ever truly followed your own advice? Have any of you actually had to go through the pain, the torment, the humiliation, and the feelings inside that keep telling you that you are worthless? The wall is pretty big and pretty solid and you just don’t take a hammer and knock it over.
Taking care of mom and dad, yeah even after all he did and after the divorce I still went to see him and tried to help him and take care of him, it was me that did it. The others didn’t. What the hell, the gay boy can do it he doesn’t have anyone in his life, he doesn’t have the commitments like we do. He’s got the time on his hands. No one lifted a finger to help, to offer to help, to even offer to give me a break for a weekend so that I could go do something myself. When my dad died in February my sister had to camp in the friggin hospital room so that we could put a show on for everyone. Waited two hours to call to say that he was gone and then didn’t know what to do with him or what plans were made. I paid for the funeral out of my own money in 2005 and helped him set up a trust. My sister didn’t even know where he lived but wanted to go so she could dig through his stuff and had to read everything. Found the pictures and absconded with them and no one has seen them since. Don’t even offer to make copies for others. Not like what I am doing with my mom’s stuff. I am making the copies and burning them to a DVD for them. I did have the attorney file a claim against his few assets though for the $20,000 dollars that I gave him for expenses and got a whopping $4000 back.
I am thankful I was here for my mom and that I was able to make her life better for the last couple years and to be here for her when she lost two children. No one else even came or visited with her or even called. When she was in the hospital the last time, my sister came one afternoon while she was still groggy from the surgery and the next time was after I called to let her know that mom was going. By then it was too late to talk to her. My brother never came once during the 18 days she was in the hospital. Not once. Didn’t even call. I was there every day with her from early morning till late at night.
At her funeral, I was shocked at how few people from a town and community and county that she lived in for 50 years of her life actually came to her funeral either at the funeral home or at the church and how few people actually bothered to send a card or to call. All of these people, the assholes, who feigned interest, sincerity, love for her while she was sick and wanted to know every last bloody detail of her life never bothered to lift a finger after she was gone. Many of them now don’t even talk to me if they meet me on the street, at the post office, gas station or what ever. What great friends they were. And I am supposed to respect them? They are supposed to care about me? Fuck them. Fuck this town. Fuck everyone. Just fuck off people. Just leave me the hell alone then and let me suffer and die in peace.
The holidays were a bad time for me and I spent 40 days in the dark and not giving a rat’s ass if anything happened or went on around me. For the first time in my life I had to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by myself, with no family around on those days, nothing to do, no place to go, nothing opened to go to, and no one to share a happy time with. Then I had to decorate the house, the same house that my mother was in, for Christmas as I had to have the family Christmas party which was held the weekend after so that my niece coming back from Denmark could be here. I had to re-live all of the Christmas’ past and all of the things that we did in the house and then they all leave without saying a word. Not caring if I was alright with all the memories, the emotions, the troubles. I didn’t start feeling like doing anything until the end of January and then that was short lived and now I am deeper into the darkness than ever before. I don’t care if I eat, I don’t care if the house is cleaned up, and I don’t care if the sun rises. I have a few projects for mom to get finished up and then …………………………………….
I have had prayed to Jesus to come get me. To take me home and to end this suffering. I have prayed to have or to get a terminal illness that will end it quickly by me refusing medical treatment. I have even thought about the rope again but we don’t have a warm sunny time in the swamp grass but there is the semi-trucks doing 70 down the roads, which is quicker, less than 3 seconds and its over.
Those of you who read my posts know about my past and the way in which I was living now. I just did my taxes and I don’t know how I am going to make it. Three quarters of my income, what little there is, goes to pay for health insurance. If I include interest income, I will have available for living expenses, water, heat, electric, food, insurance on the car, and gas about 3000 dollars. My heat expense is $300 a month alone, car insurance is $900 and who knows what gas is going to be. Yeah tell me to go out and find a job. I have looked, I have looked for part time, and I have looked for something in the evenings and on weekends that I can do with my other job, I have even hired a job recruiter. There is nothing around here. By the time I get done, I won’t have to worry about giving money away in my will as there won’t be any left to give away. I don’t even have money to go out to eat once a week. And the health insurance covers 3 sessions with a mental health provider. Then it is private pay. Already checked into that. What good is that? I don’t have the money to put food out for me little alone paying for that. There are no frills left for me. I don’t go out because I don’t have the money, I don’t belong to any internet sites that I have to pay for, I don’t buy name brand food items and shop at Wal-Mart and buy their brand. I don’t buy meat as it is too expensive. Crackers and water make a nice meal.
And then there is the postings that I made regarding Sean. Yeah Sean. And the ridicule that I got in responses about hearing voices and seeing things. Well, explain to me then what it really was? The night my mom passed away I knew I was being sent out of the room for some thing. Two nights before I had the white light come back to me but this time it was behind a wall and I couldn’t see around it. Mom’s room was being prepared for her. After my dad passed away, a man who had no believes at all, had no ideas about anything, on two different occasions there was one lone white feather falling from the ceiling in front of me, one at home one at school, and just falling slowly. Not moving in the air that was circulating, not moving in any other manner but just straight down. And yes, I still believe in them, in what I saw, what I heard, what I was told. And Sean has still not been a part of my life and I do know that he is now once again back at his home, no job, no work, no love interest, looking hard to find it. And he rejected me just like all the rest and without a word. Do I hate him? NO. In fact I still care about him very much. I just don’t understand why, is all? I called him at Christmas time and left a voice mail message wishing him a Merry Christmas. I called on New Years Eve and he picked up the phone and I spoke with him personally and wished him a Happy New Year and he did the same to me. He asked what I was doing on New Years and he told me that he was at a party so I said that I would let him go so that he could be with his friends and he said that he would call to get caught up with me. He has never called back. I have called him on the main holidays, Valentines, St. Patrick’s Day (he is Irish) and left him voice mail messages wishing him the best. This last time I told him to call me during the day while I am work and leave me a message if he wants me to stop calling him and wishing him the best. No call.
I just got done reading The Shack and loved it so much. I can’t wait to go and visit with God and Jesus and to be with them when this is all over with. There will be a shack for me as well and I will be able to be with everyone at a place where there is only love, only comfort, only joy, only good times, and only peace. My pains and torments will be done, gone, no more and I will finally be at peace.
I have written this over several weeks and have left it. Thinking it is therapy to write. Well, its not. The guy that I met from out of town who left me in Minneapolis was gone a week. Messed up big time again with his “friends.” He is from New Orleans originally and is heading back there. He wants me to go with him and take him back and he wants to show me the town and thinks that it would be good for me and that I will be able to find a job down there and start over. Down there he says, nobody cares about your past only the here and now. My sister and brother are now calling me all the time because a little Miss Busy Body saw me having trouble at church one night and called my sister. Now they are concerned. Now they want to get involved. Before it was who cares now they think there is a problem. And I called Sean to wish him a Happy Easter and his phone has been turned off and the number has been cancelled. The one person who I cared for the most and just vanished. I don’t understand what is happening in my life right now at all. I am preparing to leave on a journey on Easter Sunday and I don’t know where the journey will lead me of if I will return from the journey.
I just want someone to love me. I just want someone that I can love. I just want someone to care enough about me that they would send the very best. I just want ………………………. just want this shit to end. I want it to be over with.
