Why are other gay men so cruel to me?

[Críostóir]

Let's see if I get this straight...

Its not OK to call gay men in general superficial judgmental beasts looking to get laid, because its not true.

But its OK to call young gay men in general superficial judgmental beasts looking to get laid, because its true.

It IS true that the MAJORITY of gay men are superficial and judgmental WHEN they're trying to get laid. It's truer of the young ones than of the older ones, because they're hornier. And I have no idea if it's "OK" to say that, but it's the truth as I have lived it.

I'm not exactly free of superficiality myself. I wouldn't date me. But I'm not rude to people I'm not attracted to. If they're REALLY tedious or they hit on me after I've told them no, then the gloves come off.

Courtesy isn't really courtesy unless you practice it toward people from whom you want nothing.

 

[Lefty]

I could be wrong,

But I wouldn't walk into a biker bar and order

a Virgin Mary or a Shirley Temple.

Maybe it is where you hang and with whom you hang.

 

[SilverWolf]

It IS true that the MAJORITY of [STRIKE]gay[/STRIKE] men are superficial and judgmental WHEN they're trying to get laid. It's truer of the young ones than of the older ones, because they're hornier.

And I have no idea if it's "OK" to say that, but it's the truth as I have lived it.

Try saying here MAJORITY of gay men are incapable of monogamous relationships since so many of them end up cheating, if that's the truth as you've lived it.

I'm not exactly free of superficiality myself. I wouldn't date me. But I'm not rude to people I'm not attracted to. If they're REALLY tedious or they hit on me after I've told them no, then the gloves come off.

No one is 100% free of superficiality including me as well. I've stated myself that I would only date people around my age.

Now if I called men over 40 overweight trolls based on the men over 40 I've seen (and I'm not), I would get called an asshole. Why? Because that's not true of majority of gay men over 40. That would be taking my little experience and deciding all gay men over 40 must be like that. Same as how straight men see 3 gay men are catty or X amount of gay men are catty, and deciding all gay men are catty.

That's what I see here. All the young gay men I see act this way so they must all be this way.

Courtesy isn't really courtesy unless you practice it toward people from whom you want nothing.

Agreed.

 

[Nomenclature]

You hear a lot of straight people say that they're "tired of the bar scene", too. Why do you think internet dating is so popular?

I strongly suggest that you try talking to guys elsewhere other than the party scene: If you're into arts at all, you can meet a lot of cool people that way.

There's also internet social or dating websites. . .but just make sure you meet somewhere public, and before you do: insist on webcamming before you meet up, so you both know that you're who you say you are. And please: Make sure they're single!

 

[Joshua_me]

I could be wrong,

But I wouldn't walk into a biker bar and order

a Virgin Mary or a Shirley Temple.

Maybe it is where you hang and with whom you hang.

Well, that's a good point. But suppose the biker bar is the only place around and you really want a Virgin Mary ?

There's a fleeting point in there somewhere, but I think I just lost it.

 

[altlover85]

I don't think Cristoir is saying EVERY young gay guy is superficial, just that most are. I don't necessarily agree, but I hang out with older gay men so I'm not the best person to talk about such things.

I think I understand what Joshua_me was trying to say. If you have limited options as far as gay life goes and you can only act the way you are and the gay people in your area don't like it, what can you do?

The OP hasn't really provided us any information in terms of the context of these interactions so unfortunately we are all grasping at straws for the most part.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

^ For the record, 90% of the posters here could probably write a list of why they don't like you.

Go back to your closet, please.

My list is short ,,,,,,, nah no point in it

 

[Lefty]

Sorry Josh.

In keeping with my reputation as an inarticulate ass hole...I can't think of a simpler way to say it.....my bad.

 

[Joshua_me]

Sorry Josh.

In keeping with my reputation as an inarticulate ass hole...I can't think of a simpler way to say it.....my bad.

You're NOT an asshole !

I meant I lost my fleeting point in what I was trying to say. Which was basically you have to play the hand that's dealt to you or something like...

Oops. There it goes again.

 

[hotatlboi]

That would include you too, pussycat.

Actually no, Im pretty sure it wouldn't, lol.

 

[Big Mo]

Toy-Boy, where are you meeting these men?

 

[evanrick]

there is a difference between being gay and being a faggot. we may not like it, but it seems you are being treated like a faggot.

like there is a difference between being black and being a nigger.

i apologize if i have OFFENDED anyone, but its the easiest analogy i can think of.

but you are being paranoid, because you are letting them define you.

why do you think there is so much black on black violence? because they are treated like shit just because of the color of their skin, so they are gonna hate other black people.

gay men face, and to a much lesser extent, lesbians, the same kind of problem in that people often tend to attack shameful things in others they see in themselves.

but these "shameful" things are defined by yourself or others, no matter how wrong the perceptions may be.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Don't think about how you to make yourself more likable, just move on. And there really is nothing wrong with getting along "better" with straight guys. You can relate to anyone you choose to relate to.

 

[jamie_01930]

I have a fb that has the very same problem. In his case he had or has a learning disability. He comes across as if he isn't playing with a full deck . But the guy is smart with computer repairs. and what he knows he has learnt on his own.

He does just talk about his computer repair business which in a room of guys gets old real quick. He doesn't allow other people to talk. and he talks loud and ALOT. Plus will start a new conversation in the middle of the current one he's known to be a chatter box.

There is a mens group in his town which no one will socialize with him. They won't include him if they go somewhere as a group. and basically are mean to him. as he can be very annoying.

He knows he has a problem and tries real hard to fit in

It sounds like you and he could be brothers.​

Personally I'd like to help him but I'm not sure how

A quality he does have is he can start a conversation with anyone. That i can't do and wish I could be like him in that way.

I'm hoping you find your answer and share it,
as it could be the same for him.​

 

[Lube]

Toy-boy hasn't said much.

I think he's just watching, with a bowl of popcorn of course.

 

[altlover85]

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, Lube.

I'm hoping someone is actually getting something out of some of the good advice and personal stories being told and avoiding the fighting parts, not that those aren't entertaining, but they are sort of derailing the thread to a degree.

 

[Nomenclature]

Not even going to get into your analogy, but please explain the "difference between being gay and being a faggot."

Gay

Faggot

Gay

Faggot

 

[fetaby]

there is a difference between being gay and being a faggot. we may not like it, but it seems you are being treated like a faggot.

like there is a difference between being black and being a nigger.

i apologize if i have OFFENDED anyone, but its the easiest analogy i can think of.

but you are being paranoid, because you are letting them define you.

why do you think there is so much black on black violence? because they are treated like shit just because of the color of their skin, so they are gonna hate other black people.

gay men face, and to a much lesser extent, lesbians, the same kind of problem in that people often tend to attack shameful things in others they see in themselves.

but these "shameful" things are defined by yourself or others, no matter how wrong the perceptions may be.

Ye... NO.

The people who use the terms you use don't care about the so called distinctions you've made up in your head to justify that you are in fact not like "those other ones."

There is no division between gay and faggot to those individuals.

Even saying the word "shameful" in relation to the parameters you've established has brought failure.

This whole "I may be gay but at least I'm not a faggot" mentality is a remnant of the closet and the sooner you learn this the healthier you will be.

 

[hylas]

there is a difference between being gay and being a faggot.

this may be a little off topic, but: this is bullshit. i dont even know what exactly its supposed to mean, but im guessing that the implication is that its somehow not ok to flamboyant, feminine, "queeny", or any other way than heteronormative. well: bullshit. there is nothing, nothing wrong with being queeny, or any other way you want to be. (as long as youre not hurting anybody yada yada yada)

gay men face, and to a much lesser extent, lesbians, the same kind of problem (...)

again, fail. let me just go ahead and guess that you have no close lesbian friends.

 

[Críostóir]

[two examples each of "Gay" and "Faggot" deleted as a matter of good taste]

What an odd combination of self-loathing and self-congratulation you appear to be. Don't you have any positive virtues of your own? Does everything good you feel about yourself have to be in the form of "at least I'm not like that inferior person"?

Does it truly gratify you to deride others? Is that really how you want to be?

You're very young, so I'll presume to give you advice. Feel free to ignore it; most do. It's a terrible way to live, and does not lead to happiness. Thirty years from now, when someone who's just met you calls you a bitter old fart (as must happen to everyone at some point), you want people of long acquaintance with you to have a better defense of you than "oh, he's always been that way."

Finally, constructing your self-worth solely in terms of your superiority to others leaves you with nothing much when you finally discover (as you inevitably will) that you are NOT, in fact, uniformly superior to them; that they have virtues and talents you do not. Try acting as if everyone you meet has worth, instead, and in nearly all cases you will discover that they do.