Discrimination against the older gay man

[cellular]

Its true that we mustnt confuse sexual preference to discrimination. But we are not like any other 'group'. Whites, blacks, asians are define by their race, men and woman are define by gender, but we, gay men, are defined by our sexuality. That being said, looks play a huge part in our gay lives, and we have more pressure to maintain it then any other race, otherwise, other gay men are less keen to be around us. It is a subtle form of discrimination, where when you age, gay live fades.
I know a lot of people who have not come out, which is fine because it is their decision. But let say you are 30, or 40 when you do, what sort of a role do you play in the gay society then? Are you going to have to meet your partner in a nursing home?

 

[dr_beat]

Have you checked out most of the theads on this board? If you're over 29, sayonara baby!

 

[NickCole]

As we age, do older gay men find that doors start closing on you and their are less opportunities?

Yes and no.

Doors definitely start closing but also, if you've continued to grow and enlarge your Self, new doors continue to open.

There are advantages to being 25 but there also are advantages to being 50 -- if you do your work, successfully navigate your transitions, grow and evolve.

There's something wrong if, at 50, you're doing the same things and need the same opportunities you needed at 25. It's great to be young at heart but life ought to be a journey, a ship traveling continent to continent, not anchored to one port.

This is one of the reasons I'm so opposed to anti-depressants and other short-cuts to dealing with life challenges. Anxiety, fear and depression usually are signals that something in our life needs attending to. Avoiding our own issues only closes doors without opening new ones. The way we mature into more expansive people who create new opportunities for ourselves is by meeting challenges and learning the lessons that come through those journeys.

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I'm attracted to older men- they have this mysterious aura and for some reason I can really relate to them. Even though I'm 18, I find that, in general, gay people around my age seem really bland and don't have much to say for themselves. I'm still attracted to them but they're just not as interesting.

 

[bedbugy]

theres an old saying
i know what its like to be young
you don't know what its like to be old

ok i'm an old 56 born in the uk if you was gay in the 60's /early 70's you had your face kiked in so you never came out of the closet as they say coming out if you came out run homo bashes around
today the youth have it much better
i just wish they would understand soon they will be old and not wanted


but i don't give a toss my b/f and i togerther enjoy every day
my b/f age 25 and he would'nt change a thing

 

[LaloGS]

How old is old(er) in gay-speak?

Last month. . .

 

[irish1]

50 Seems To Be The Cut-off, Unless You Are Really Hot, Or Hung, Or Built. Personally, I Don't Descriminate. You Have A Pulse? Xy Chromosome? Apply Within.

It Is More A Matter Of Self-confidence, "presentation" ( For Lack Of A Better Word) And Positive Energy For The Older Guy. A Boy Can Be Attractive With Sultry, Pouty, Chip-on-the-shoulder Attitude. You Just Want To Hold Him And Make The Pain Go Away. An Older Dude You Just Want To Say, "get A Life, Bitch!" So The Dudes Greying At The Temples Have To Remember That.

Far Worse Is The Grandpa Who Has The Hairpiece, Jewelry And Wardrobe Of His Grandson. Only Cher Can Do That.

I am fifty, and will celebrate another birthday in March.

I have always liked men around my own age; I believe it is because we know the same music, and have lived at about the same time, so know society's milestones.

I do find some older men very attractive, and I do some younger men attractive, but I would never really go after either type ('though they have been very nice to me) as a boyfriend.

Rick, I keep my jewelry to a minimum, don't wear a hairpiece or ponytail, floss every day, and don't wear Brut.

I think I'm doing o.k.

Thanks for a very funny post. Still haven't met Cher.

 

[NightDancer]

To me, age is nothing but a number. It all depends on how a person feels about themselves and how they act. If you go around acting like an "old fuddy dutty" then who wants to be around that person. It doesn't matter if your 20 or 80, be happy with the people around you, have some fun and enjoy life.

For all the young ones, remember - someday you'll be old. So for now enjoy double the pleasure (attention from young and old alike). Soon enough, you'll be the ones who are considered "old" by whatever impossible standards are around.

ND

 

[dte]

Well, I met my partner in a bar ..... he worked very hard to make sure several others did not get me first ..... he is 21 yrs my junior ..... I have never felt as though I was discriminated against, then I have had a lot going for me in the way of looks and personality it seems ....

 

[dpnice]

Well at the ripe old age of 56 I certainly don't feel discriminated against because younger attractive guys aren't forming lines to have sex with me.

Would I have sex with my clone if I met myself in a bar? Most certainly not; he wouldn't meet a single one of my sexual preferences.

Would I have sex with the young slightly muscled good looking guy? Most certainly yes if he was willing. But the fact that he isn't doesn't make me feel left out or discriminated against. It is a fact of life that you will only have sex with those guys who find you sexually attractive in some way.

As you get older and find yourself on your own there isn't always a solution enabling you to find true love, sex and a relationship. Though possible it is for many older guys improbable. I would be more than happy to have sex with some of you younger guys but I am certainly not going to chase you for it nor be offended if it isn't offered.

Life is different for all of us and the only magical way of being happy is to appreciate what you have, accept that there are some things you can't have and strive for those that are possible.

 

[Johnny Yen]

Rick, I keep my jewelry to a minimum, don't wear a hairpiece or ponytail, floss every day, and don't wear Brut.

Admit though... you secretly wear Old Spice on holiday weekends in the country...

 

[luckotheirish]

Trust me, gay men are no exception. Str8 men are also trying to hook up with the hottest female available. Just like everyone else, they discriminate, too.

As we age, yeah, doors start closing and there are less opportunities. You are right.

However, if you look back into the big picture, you'll see that for the most part, human existence is actually a constant negotiation with various forms of discrimination.

A 16 year old, who is allowed to work and earn his upkeep, usually feels terribly discriminated, when the doors of that particular club stay closed for him for the next 2 years. Let's even not touch the subject, 'you can go to war, kill and get killed, but you can't legally buy a can of beer'.

A cool looking young friend of mine happens to be African. He is mostly rejected despite his youth and good looks, as many (not all) people around here would rather stick with their own race.

If you peruse a number of profiles on various dating sites, you'll find the ubiquitous, 'pls., no fats, no femmes, no asians, no older guys, no this, no that'.

Sexual selection necessarily involves legitimate discrimination.

You choose your sexual partners not by the instructions and requirements of the anti-discriminatory legislation and policies, but purely based upon your personal preference and the availability of desirable partners at that time.

This is a very universal principle which spreads throughout the animal kingdom and is certainly very universal in many human cultures.

It is a grave error of judgement to confuse discriminatory practices in housing, education and employment opportunities with those pertaining to sexual selection. They belong to the two very different worlds and should never be interchanged.

---
Like with every other challenge in life, your first strategy is of a political nature. You want to determine, what is it that you can do (vs. what is it that you cannot do), in order to increase your value on the dating, sex, meat or any other 'market', if you will?

You cannot really stop ageing and you cannot really change your race. You cannot grow a 13-incher just because that hot and super desirable guy next door happens to be an incurable size queen. Indeed, there are quite a few things that are well-entrenched within the realm of impossibility.

Yet, you want to focus on what is both viable and doable.

You can reduce your body fat and nicely tone your body by regular exercise and good diet.

You can make sure that you always dress right and look as attractive as you possibly can. (Birkenstocks with white athletic sox are always a bad idea.)

You can take good care of yourself, have a good hair cut and use the best skin care there is. Guy who do so are sending a very powerful signal: If I can take good care of myself, there is a chance that I am good at whatever and maybe, I can help you, too. This might be a sublime message after all, but the one to which many people are extremely susceptible to.

You can choose to adopt a healthy lifestyle. Reduce your drinks and ditch the cigs. Get sufficient sleep and dump all the junk food and never look back.

You can choose to project your strength and your power forward into the world. Genuine self-confidence tops many people's priority lists, when it comes to searching for a serious partner. Not every hot athletic jock out there is looking for some kind of a 'daddy' but quite a few are. At times, self-confidence, sense of stability and achievement, financial security all coupled with a sense of discretion work those small, daily miracles.

You can choose to live in a major metro area. You need all the opportunity there is.

SC

Amen, brother!

 

[luckotheirish]

One of my favorite old sayings:

"Youth is wasted on the young."


And it's often, but not always, true. IMO, 30-50 is a nice balance of health and vigor with experience and knowledge.

Are there emotionally mature 20 year olds? Yup. Lethargic 20 year olds? Yup.

Are there energetic and virile 60 year olds? Yup. Ignorant and immature 60 year olds? Yup.

As has already been pointed out, if you take the best care of yourself that you can, project your own self-acceptance (self-confidence), and follow the golden rule, you will probably reek of charisma and charm - regardless of age.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way... there will always be people who are attracted ONLY to perfect packaging. Too bad they'll miss the charm and art of something/someone who's good, but not obnoxiously perfect. IMHO, of course.

 

[cellular]

IMO, i think the post by silverRRcloud was brilliant. Very well thought out and well expressed.

 

[Riverrick]

I'm 51, try to stay in shape, and am not looking for anyone 20 years my junior. I don't feel discriminated against by the younger guys because I don't even place them in my pool of dating material. That said, I do get hit on some which is kind of confusing and I attribute mostly to working out.

Here on JUB, I don't feel discriminated against at all, which is saying something since this board is mostly made up of 18 - 25 year olds. I put my age right out there to be seen so that there is no misconception about who people are talking to and that seems to work very well. I don't generally hit on people here and if I do its just for fun for all involved. Mostly, we're just all buddies.

 

[Paws]

[...] where a 40 year old lesbian said that she found it difficult to get picked up in gay bars because of her age...

Maybe she should try a lesbian bar

[...] and a cute go go boy starts laughing and pointing, I just remember his turn will come.

Unless he has good genes

 

[ross_1986]

^^LMAO!!!!

It's a shame that older guys have to feel that way b/c you'd be surprised how many young guys like older guys.

 

[tbonez]

A couple of things...

First, this is NOT a gay themed issue. You don't see middle-aged plumpers walking down the runway at a fashion show or in the pages of Vogue. Penthouse and Playboy don't prominently feature middle-aged snatches and saggy breasts in their centrefolds. Worship of youth is a human condition, not exclusively or even more prominently a gay issue.

Secondly, I find that often when a forty year old can't pick up a 20 year old they immediately assume it's because the 20 year old is ageist and not because simply because their is no mutual attraction. There can be a whole host of other reasons...Like perhaps the 40 year old may have bad breath, be generally annoying or that they remind the 20 year old of their father. It is always more comfortable to assume that we are rejected because of something beyond our control like aging for example rather than assume it is because we are simply unattractive to the intended prey.

IME, middle aged men obsess far more about age issues than 20 year olds.

 

[Riverrick]

A..Like perhaps the 40 year old may have bad breath, be generally annoying or that they remind the 20 year old of their father.

Exactly. I hated the adult establishment when I was younger and I would have never wanted to date someone the age of my father.

 

[spreadeagle]

I hardly think that the failure of a gorgeous twenties twink to show any interest in a viagara-munching gold-chained and toupeed wrinkly in the flashing, crowded, pumping atmosphere of a gay club qualifies as discrimination.

While governments may legislate to positively discriminate in order to improve the situation of groups that appear statisticaly disadvantaged, we have not yet, thankfully, reached a position where we are forced to fuck with older/younger, smoother/hairier, richer/poorer, uglier/more beautiful sectors of the gay population in order to maintain quotas.

So often discrimination is in the eye of the beholder. It's not that you're being discriminated against - it's just that the group you'd like to belong to is oblivious of your existence.