Does it make me gay if I want to have sex with guys, but cannot love one?

[justaguy]

OK. Let's say the situation is reversed. He's sexually attracted to women but falls in love with men. What would that make him?

Oh ! That's put the cat amongst the pigeons. I'm gunna have to take a sit in the bath and think about that one.

 

[josher]

Strange as it may seem to many men, and to many gay men in particular, women have sexual needs as strong as ours.

To suggest that a "romantic" marriage between a man and woman, with no sexual chemistry or interest on the part of the man, would be workable is quite insulting to women. "He could just masturbate" someone suggested.
And the woman is suppose to be satisfied with that?

Marriage is a commitment of body, mind and heart, whether the couple are of the same or opposite gender. If any part of that is missing the relationship will fail.

Whoa, like many others who have posted, I think your inability to visualize yourself in a romantic relationship with another man is is psychologically conditioned for reasons only you can discover. I'd explore that in counseling, if I were you.

I've known many gay men who've learned to get past that. I've never met any who were able to genuinely get past their lack of sexual attraction to women and end up in a genuinely satisfying partnership with one, unless it was a marriage of convenience. (I'm not talking here about genuine bisexuals.) Otherwise the man inevitably turns to a man/men outside the marriage for sexual satisfaction. This is intensely unfair on many levels to the woman involved. She deserves someone with a genuine sexual inyerest in her.

As others have mentioned, if you meet the right man (or men) someday, I think you might find a way to relate to him/them both sexually and romantically.

 

[josher]

Elvin,

1) That's why I said: "unless it is a marriage of convenience."

2) I don't believe anyone, a man or woman, has the right to cheat on their partner, if they've made a commitment.

3) He said he had 0% sexual interest in women. I've never met a genuine male bisexual who would claim that.

 

[genthree]

It seems to me that you are fighting social conditioning Vs your basic desires.
People love smoking, alcohol etc but they are social taboos.
Time will sort you out, but don't cheat or mislead any woman or for that matter yourself.

 

[Deandbn]

erm... yes of course you are GAY. You just gotta sort you head out a bit, cos it's a bit confused. Give it a bit of time, enjoy the trip. Rome was not built in a day and neither was your sexuality. you darling confused man.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Not necessarily. When I first realized I was gay, I thought the extent of my attraction to other boys was purely sexual and nothing more. The concept of actually "loving" a male in an emotional way as well wasn't something I came to terms with until later on in my life. I had to learn it and undo all the bullshit that society engrained in my head that taught me that having that kind of life just wasn't normal.

^^^

I went through this phase too.

 

[josher]

Again Elvin,

1) By definition there is no sexual involvement in a marriage of conveniece. It doesn't mean the two people don't love each other. It just means that for whatever reason they don't have a sexual relationship. But both partners must be satisfied with that. There aren't many men or women with a healthy libido who would be satisfied with that, in order to accommodate someone with "0% sexual interest" in them.

2) For an open relationship to work, both partners have to be fully on board with it. How many straight women do you know who would accept their husbands having sex with other men (or women, for that matter) because they had no sexual interest in them?

3) Many gay men have "0%" interest in a romantic relationship with another man. They may be psychologically conditioned against it. They may have had one or many disasterous past relationships. They may prefer their personal freedom to engaging a romantic relationship. None of that changes their sexual identity,

Now, you're going to need to find someone to argue with, because I have things to do and must log off.

Take care and best wishes.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

2) For an open relationship to work, both partners have to be fully on board with it. How many straight women do you know who would accept their husbands having sex with other men (or women, for that matter) because they had no sexual interest in them?

I'd say most of the US Politician's wives do this.

 

[hotatlboi]

Sorry Elvin, this guy is gay, not bi, gay.

He's most likely from a religious or non-accepting background.

I had the same thought process several years ago. I'm not sexually attracted to women but thought I would eventually have a relationship with one, because that's the "normal" thing to do.

It's a very common last stage in accepting yourself for gay guys to realize that you can love a man and not just see him as a sex object.

I'm just questioning why if a guy questions his sexuality that it makes him gay. Why not bisexual or straight?

If you have 0% sexual attraction to women, you are gay.

You might not be relationship oriented toward guys yet (perhaps never will be, not all gay guys are) but you are gay nonetheless.

 

[introv3rt]

elvin1: *applause*

I find it curious that your post about a reversal of the situation got no serious responses.

I guess it all depends on how you define homosexuality, and for me, the sexual component is only a part of it. Maybe because where I'm from, "homophile" (translated to our language, of course) is the common term, not homosexual, but I don't know. Yes, he says that he has 0% sexual attraction towards women, so that alone might put him at the gay end of the spectrum. But the fact that he has 0% feelings of love towards men, would make him lean more towards the straight end. Who knows, he might meet a man he will fall in love with or he might meet a woman he feels sexual attraction towards, or he might meet eventually meet both.

I just think a lot of you are putting way too much focus on the sexual aspect of ones orientation. And yes, I realize it's referred to as sexual orientation, but that to me reads more like which sex one prefers for romantic relationships, not only which sex one prefers to have sex with.

 

[introv3rt]

Being bisexual means being sexually attracted to both sexes.

If you have no attraction to women, you are gay or asexual.

But ones sexual orientation isn't necessarily only about sexual attraction. There are emotional and/or romantic aspects of it as well.

 

[juicyjack]

It sounds like you will have to shift your thinking in one way or another to be happy in a relationship. Think about what makes it to where you can't love another man, and why you are not sexually attracted to women. What is it about a man that isn't loveable? What is it about a woman that you are not turned on by? If you ignore your feelings and just be straight or gay, it will lead to unhappiness. See what you are willing to live with and what you aren't. I also don't know how much experience you have with either sex so that makes the question a little harder to answer. I think whatever path you choose, whether it is straight, gay, bisexual, or asexual, it will be a long process. It is not like flipping a switch.

 

[introv3rt]

Sex can also refer to ones biological sex, not only the act.

Most definitions of sexual orientation include a psychological component, such as the direction of an individual's erotic desire, and/or a behavioral component, which focuses on the sex of the individual's sexual partner/s.

Yeah, Wikipedia isn't the best source, so if you want something from the American Psychological Association:

exual orientation is an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual, or affectional attraction toward others. […] Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept.

 

[justaguy]

I just think a lot of you are putting way too much focus on the sexual aspect of ones orientation.

But, that's what defines your sexuality, end of story. You can't be a gay man if you have 0% sexual interest in men and 100% sexual interest in women. That's just silly. So a reversal of Whoa's situation would mean the person was straight. It's not called sexual orientation for nothing.

 

[introv3rt]

See: My previous post.

 

[AfroMan777]

Do and be whatever you want, as long as you're happy and not lying to yourself.

 

[justaguy]

But ones sexual orientation isn't necessarily only about sexual attraction. There are emotional and/or romantic aspects of it as well.

True. Emotion is a part of it, for sure. But there has to be a sexual attraction, otherwise it isn't love, more than say in the same sense as loving your mother or sister.

 

[introv3rt]

True. Emotion is a part of it, for sure. But there has to be a sexual attraction, otherwise it isn't love, more than say in the same sense as loving your mother or sister.

If what you're saying here is true, then asexuals cannot experience romantic feelings towards anyone, and that is simply false. Plenty of asexuals live in romantic relationships where they love their partner in a completely different way than how they love their family members.

 

[justaguy]

But ones sexual orientation isn't necessarily only about sexual attraction. There are emotional and/or romantic aspects of it as well.

True. Emotion is a part of it, for sure. But there has to be a sexual attraction, otherwise it isn't love, more than say in the same sense as loving your mother or sister.

Amercan Heritage Dictionary : Sexual Orientation
n.
The direction of one's sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes.

 

[introv3rt]

It must involve sexual behavior. so if there is no sexual attraction to women involved, one cannot be bisexual.

The very definition of bisexuality is sexually responsive to both sexes. And you can look that up in probably any dictionary.

"physical and/or romantic attraction"

The definition of sexual attraction also includes this: emotional, romantic and/or sexual attractions…