dpnice - Archived Blog Posts

[dpnice]

I suppose that many of you have days when you feel that you have done absolutely nothing worthwhile or interesting. One works, gets home and after eating all there is left is the television or computer to keep you company before retiring to bed.

I just feel that for me this situation is rather a current everyday occurrence. Yet when I analyse my work hours and what is left in which I could lead my personal life I see no way of changing. It is possible that I work every day of the week and weekends are inexistent as far as I am concerned. Working from 7am and finishing at 3pm with just an afternoon break before starting again at 5pm leaves little time to throw oneself into an orgy of sporting activities or other interests. In fact after a nap I usually have to nip out shopping for the villa so even sitting down to read seems impossible.

I usually crawl downstairs after serving dinner around 10pm and what is left of the evening is not worth counting.

A day and half off work a week, if I can take them, is quickly reduced once one has done all the essential parts of life; clean the flat, ironing, JUB, etc.

I like at least one evening home so that leaves the other for a trip to the cinema and there you are you find yourself back at work again.

I should control my complaining as there are advantages that do outweigh this excess of commitment to madame and her family.

Thankfully I am off to London tomorrow I will give me a boost and make me realise that my life is not as empty as I keep thinking it is. Mind you the weather forecast is not good; heavy rain for the 4 days that I am there. Where is God when you want him to give you a little bit of chance in your life?

Perhaps ‘Harry Potter’ naked on stage will cheer me up. If not I have an evening of Abba to get me dancing in my seat.

Right I am off out to lunch, back for a nap and packing.

 

[dpnice]

I am back!

Over my long years of living alone I have come to appreciate the familiar, the routine, knowing where I am going, when and how I am getting there. Spontaneity does occur where needed but I am not adventurous and though realising that to become familiar with somewhere there has to be a first time I prefer returning to where I have already been.

So London is a perfect place to revisit. Especially a London accompanied with perfectly blue sunny skies, when Internet was forecasting heavy showers every day. I surprised myself with the rapidity by which I fell back into the ‘London way of life’. Slipping from one underground line to another to reach one’s destination, knowing which direction to take through Hyde Park to reach the appropriate exit for a museum visit. Coffees and lunches punctuating the daily programme and evening meals planned in the nicest of restaurants.

I must admit that it was one of my most pleasurable trips to London. Okay the weather helped enormously but I had planned going not as a tourist but as a Londoner. Subsequently my days, apart from the Renoir exhibition were unorganised leaving me free to wander as the fancy took me. Each evening planned around the theatre meant each night was filled with being part of life after such a long absence.

It was exhilarating being, once more a member of a busy, bustling society, even if I was an uncommunicating member. To be part of the crowd rushing from one place to another made me feel really alive.

My one disappointment. Where had all the handsome men gone? And how come I didn’t understand the majority of what was said to me? Does one loose the understanding of one’s proper language or is it that suddenly the many accents one hears defeats one’s ability to comprehend?

 

[dpnice]

Oblivion. I was just thinking that this would be a good word to describe my life at the moment; the condition of being forgotten. But in reality it is I who am doing the forgetting rather than the reactions of others. There are a few people who know of my existence, some even make the effort to keep in contact. Perhaps it would be more correct to say that the world is drifting into oblivion for me.

I am wondering if I am beginning to fade away into non-existence, into a state of being alive but no longer living, existing but not participating, being here yet unable to go anywhere.

Thank goodness the actuality of the world around me still manages to impinge on my conscience but whether I find it concerns me is another question. Make the effort is a daily thought followed by why bother.

Is it possible to remain on automatic pilot for the rest of one’s life, going through the motions and doing only that which is necessary and essential to everyday living? Just how important is sharing one’s joys, emotions and life? For how many years is it possible to be content with life and not strive to improve or even just change it? Does routine become so important that one can quite easily let pass all the other aspects of life?

Should the satisfaction found in a way of life presuppose that no change is necessary and that further participation is totally unessential? Is the disappearance of all ambition a part of growing old or a state of mind?

If one is intelligent enough to realise that life is pathetically uninteresting, uneventful and certain devoid of all aims should that automatically mean one should do something about it?

One chooses one’s own life but who decides if those choices are good or bad? Are the influences of society and the expectations of people so strong that they impose a condition of guilt because you are not living up to them?

So many questions and not a single answer. So I shall just cheer myself up by trying to book a ticket to see Barbara Striesand when she comes to Nice next July.

 

[dpnice]

I am going to see Barbara Striesand in concert in July.

I didn't believe I had a hope in hell of getting a ticket but it seems that it is not yet a sell-out. Mind you it cost me a fortune but then you only see a legend once in your life time so sod the cost.

Plus this is really meant to be her final tour.

Who is an excited little jubber then?

 

[dpnice]

As everybody else I suppose I get depressed from time to time though in my case perhaps that is a definition far too strong to describe my emotional state. Probably dissatisfied, frustrated or bad humoured would be more appropriate as I don’t think I have ever really experienced a period of pathological depression. I also have friends who have managed over the years to ingrain into my character the “snap out of it” solution to feeling down.

So here I am not working, my spirits buoyed up by the brilliant sunshine outside, sitting at my computer really quite content with life.

My life has and always will be I suppose filled with contrasts. The achievement of my personal happiness does not require someone else’s presence though I would advise everyone to try and share their lives as it must be more rewarding.

I don’t need companionship to go out and enjoy myself, yet would be the first to admit that everyone is improved by sharing their enjoyment and happiness with others.

How I enjoy returning to the comfort of my own home, though if there was someone awaiting my return wouldn’t it be even more of an enjoyment?

It is amazing what two trips to the cinema and the success in getting concert tickets can do to an old hermit’s state of mind. So what if I shall be on my own does that diminish any of the exultation that Striesand will evoke; do I really need someone beside me to be transported to heaven by her voice?

I admit that the cinema requires a certain effort now I no longer live in the centre of town but it is not necessary that someone suggests a film for me to find the enthusiasm to go and see it. In case you are wondering I went to see “Irina Palm” with Marianne Faithful (anyone remember the Mars Bar and Mick Jagger?) which I enjoyed enormously – very low key and understated but a clever story line, emotional and amusing. I shared yesterday evening with Anthony Hopkins in “La Faille”, too much of Hannibal in the character he played but a pleasant film by which to be entertained for a few hours.

Now there is a reason for all this meandering: I wanted to reassure three people who took the time to read and leave comments that as isolated from life as I appear to be and though often complaining about my lot in life I do appreciate everything given me and the quiet nature of my solitude provides me with all the happiness I require at present. So my appreciation and thanks to you three for giving me a different understanding and way to look at my life: caryeverwood, Jarren and scrubb22.

 

[dpnice]

Well the evening is drawing in after a hard day’s work. Madame was supposed to return tonight but this has been delayed until Tuesday evening. These spontaneous changes in plans are extremely welcome when it is I who benefits from a couple of more evenings on my own.

So I am showered and changed, I have just strolled around the garden with the dogs in tow and a whisky in hand. The weather is perfect and the light and atmosphere of approaching dusk mystical.

Finished my whisky sitting on the terrace watching the beginning of the sun disappearing behind the mountains encircling Nice across the bay. The sea is calm and as dusk approaches a myriad of small boats are scurrying towards their moorings. It is so quiet that you can hear yourself thinking.

Alison Moyet is playing in the background and peace reigns over my small private world.

I should shift myself and cook something for the evening meal but I am tired of cooking just for myself. Perhaps a restaurant and a pizza would be suitable for this evening.

As peaceful as I am there is, in the background, a slight whispering of discontent and I am well aware of what it is. The most recent photographs of Fran have brought to the surface my deep hidden desires. Oh I am realistic enough to know what is possible and what isn’t yet that doesn’t erase the longing to share, even just a fleeting moment, with someone like him. Surprisingly the sexual desire is not predominant, perhaps that is the aspect of age, but thoughts of him have not left my head the whole day.

There is nothing like an old fool is there; at least this one is lucid and realises the difference between reality and fantasy. Yes a restaurant and a pizza does seem a good idea; tread gently into the tide of humanity outside of my hermitage and spend a few hours watching the ebb and flow of attractive young men.

 

[dpnice]

I honestly must say that I am the perfect house servant. With the absence of the chamber maid I have had to cope with my own job plus all the bedrooms and clothes belonging to madame and monsieur.

With a perfect organisation and efficiency nearly perfect everything has been absolutely impeccable ensuring that there has been no difference due to the absence of a member of staff. In fact I have done her job in half the time she takes and better.

But why do I do it? When I could have just left everything go and say sorry I don’t have the time. I suppose it is a question of pride; knowing that I can do it; not wishing that madame be inconvienced.

After 12 days, obviously with no free time nor a single moment to myself, madame left for a few days and the chamber maid returned to work today. Mind you no apology for giving me so much extra work nor expression of appreciation when she returns to find everything done and no backlog of work to catch up on. Aren’t people strange!

So I have two and a half days free to sort out my own life. Changed over my winter wardrobe and unpacked all my linen clothes. Slightly depressing this as my winter wardrobe is much smarter than my summer one. I like wearing jackets and ties.

The gale that has been blowing all day has finally subsided and the evening is absolutely idyllic. The view is so clear that it seems touchable, the sky a perfect blue and the temperature wonderful. The sea, so wild all day, has calmed down to a gentle lapping of the rocks along the coastline.

As I am not hungry I shall be having a cheese omelette tonight with salad picked from the garden.

My tickets for the Barbra Streisand concert arrived today. As it is the day before my departure for Spain all my clothes will be packed so I shall have to go out to buy something to wear. What does one wear to open air concerts? The new Harry Potter comes out on general release the day I leave for Spain so I shall have to see that at a morning showing as I have an early evening flight to London.

Well nothing at the cinema that I want to see so it looks like I will be having an evening at home catching up on JUB and reading up about Barcelona. (Where is my belamy?)

 

[dpnice]

Well not much to recount. Spent yesterday doing shopping and errands for madame as she returns this evening. To ensure that I didn’t waste my free time I combined all that with doing things I wanted to do.

I accompanied shopping in the local town with a long coffee break sitting on a shady terrace opposite the vegetable market. The errands I had to run in Nice were followed by clothes shopping and buying some new shirts, all of them white so that I can wear them for work and subsequently charge their cost to the house account.

After the gale the cars were all dusty so this morning was spent washing them. I have also arranged bouquets of flowers around the villa, done the rest of the shopping and cleared up a little. So I have been a busy little butler.

I have just noticed on my payslip that I have 46 days of my holidays still to take. I have no idea how I have reached that quantity so will need to sort that out quickly.

After receiving my concert ticket I have received e-mail notification that it has been cancelled. No explication! I wonder if the ticket sales were not sufficient. Anyway I now have to sort out getting my money back. I am really quite disappointed.

 

[dpnice]

I am exhausted! I really need a day to myself doing nothing apart from those things I want to do.

Thank goodness the holidays are approaching fast.

 

[dpnice]

I find it astonishing how in the span of twenty-four hours one’s mood and outlook on life can swing from the ridiculous to the sublime. After two weeks of uninterrupted slavery madame left for a couple of days leaving me to pick up my personal life. Mind you it meant being up at 5hr in the morning to prepare breakfast but the minute the main gates closed behind the departing car my spirits did a double take and I went instantly into I have no obligations mood.

It is weird how different it is doing chores for oneself rather than as part of one’s job. It somehow becomes more of a pleasure than an achievement, something to check off the list before starting something else.

Some shopping in the local market cleared my list of tasks for the villa leaving me free for the day. It had been several weeks since I had gone down to Villefranche for lunch at my habitual restaurant and as the weather was perfect I decided to get there under my own steam; on foot that is.

It only takes an hour and a half to walk there and most of the route is downhill so it wasn’t exactly arduous. It is amazing the different viewpoint you get from being on foot along a route that you do many times a week but by car. Different perspectives, view points you never saw before and places of interest that you never took the time to stop and investigate.

There are some beautiful villas here on the coast, most built into the cliff face so that from your car you see just the roof, whereas on foot you can look over the walls and see them in all their architectural splendour. Mind you there are also some absolute horrors which make you wonder who ever designed and thought such monstrosities were viable places in which to live.

Lunch was pleasant, I drunk more than necessary as I had already decided that a taxi ride home was appropriate. The extremely handsome young man that I had seen last year and written about in this blog turned up http://www.justusboys.com/forum/view.php?blog=72786&id=9709&title=a-brief-moment-in-time. During several minutes I was once again besotted and had my eyes glued on his smile, just until he decided he was too hot sitting in the sun and moved into the shade, putting the menu board between us and subsequently putting a stop to my idolizing infatuation.

I took a few photographs which, as usual you can find on Flickr. http://www.flickr.com/photos/dpnice1/sets/ Click on Villefranche06.

 

[dpnice]

Perhaps bewildering isn’t the correct word but I do find it strange how some days seem to pass so simply and leisurely; no stress, no anxiety, nor frantic rushing from one task to another. Perhaps it is a state of mind or the fact that having had time to oneself one is ready and willing to give your time to somebody else.

The weather was perfect, a real early summer scorcher, allowing madame and monsieur to lunch on the patio and me to gaze in wonder at the view whilst I served them. Then mid-afternoon a stormed loomed in from behind the mountains surrounding Nice and a rather pleasant and gentle drizzle set in for the rest of the day.

It is relaxing being lulled to sleep for an afternoon nap by the music of rain rebounding from all the foliage and the scent of damp plants and soil wafting in through the open doors. Add to that the cat spread-eagled in your arms purring with contentment and all seems well with the world.

 

[dpnice]

I am sorry if this blog is turning into an uninteresting account of my mundane working life, but as all I do at the moment is work there is little alternative.

I was on my own, once again, today. The chamber maid phoned in ill and it was the cook’s day off. With my usual efficiency I had done all the housework, madame’s bedroom and looked after the dogs all before lunch. Madame went out to a restaurant for midday; she can be quite considerate at times. This left me enough time to take a nap and start preparing the evening meal.

Having prepared everything, taken a shower and dressed for the service madame telephoned to say that they wouldn’t be back for dinner. Now having spent all the afternoon preparing it that was really quite annoying.

But as it is not worth ranting and raging I decided to eat everything myself whilst sitting on my terrace. With all the candles lit, some quiet music playing in the background and the cat curled up on my lap I have just spent a pleasant two hours over a leisurely dinner.

I “stole” a decent bottle of wine from the wine cellar; which I am ashamed to admit I have emptied on my own.

The starter was grilled goat’s cheese mixed with olive oil and basil on a salad of lightly cooked vegetables and white wine vinegar and almond dressing. Dessert was apples poached in mint and cloves; very refreshing for a balmy evening.

So all is peaceful and calm in my quiet little life. Time to log into JUB and read about all the ups and downs and trials and tribulations of other members.

 

[dpnice]

Yesterday evening I was swamped by a feeling of melancholy, an extremely bad case of the blues. For the first time in quite a few years I felt the need to get in the car and go cruising. Not with the hopes of meeting anyone, I am well aware of the influence of my physical appearance on other’s sexual attraction towards me. I just wanted to be somewhere that it would be possible for someone to take an interest; I wanted to be somewhere that was gay, where I felt I belonged. Naturally my self esteem would have been given a real boost if something, however casual it was, had happened. But I am realistic enough to assume that it wouldn’t.

The reason for this emotional overload is totally clear to me. Age! Approaching retirement!

Recently the television and newspapers have been inundated with articles and references to retirement homes. Now I am certain that they are all caring and pleasant places for those incapable of looking after themselves. But have you really looked at them and considered what it would be like to spend the rest of your life in one of them?

I am addressing this question to us gay people. I have spent my life surrounding myself with works of art, decorating my homes with style and excellent taste and appreciating the moments alone and the pleasure of doing exactly as I please. In the past few sexless years I have survived thanks to being surrounded by incredibly handsome men to brighten up any day.

Yet there is a risk that not too far in the future I will find myself living in a community of old people who share none of my interests. Having to spend every remaining day of my life surrounded by institutionalised furniture and interior decoration. Having my life timetabled according to the organisation of the direction and carers. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but just look at the deco details the next time you see a programme on retirement homes.

What on earth is a gay queen to do?

As morbid as it may seem to some of you, last night I made my decision that in no way was I going to finish the last years of my life living under such conditions. As long as I can remain at home with social workers visiting and providing some necessary services I will carry on enjoying my life to the full. The moment this is no longer possible then that will be when I wave goodbye to this exciting and beautiful world.

And having made that decision I suddenly cheered up and felt quite secure now that I knew where I was going.

No I didn’t pick anyone up. Do you think I would have written the above if I had?

 

[dpnice]

Well all the heart-searching and reflection over my retirement in eight years time has resulted in the decision to perhaps buy a third apartment.

This evening was spent going over my finances to see whether it was a real possibility. Unfortunately it seems that I do have the means but do I really have the desire. With the house prices climbing to astronomical heights here in the South of France even a small studio is around 100000 euros which means quite a hefty outlay each month to repay the mortgage. Which entrains with it a certain sacrifice in the reduction of money I have available to spend on luxuries and living in general.

Now I have been an incessant saver ever since my first employment and I have reached a point in my life where I am sick of saving the majority of my income. I feel that it is time to be free to spend the money I earn. Yet a third apartment will double my monthly income when I retire so the decision is really one of the “formis et cigale”.

So I shall pop into the bank tomorrow to have a chat with my advisor and then into town to make a tour of the estate agents to see what is around.
It will get me out of the villa for a while and as I want to see the newly renovated central place in Nice I can combine pleasure with obligations.

 

[dpnice]

The frequency of my prolonged absences seems to be increasing, be assured it is solely the overburdening of working hours that is keeping me away. It is the time of year when madame leaves for two months of cruising the Mediterranean which involves extra hours of preparation and more work for me. Being the kind generous person that I am I have also been covering for the cook so that he can spend some time with his family before joining madame for the two months on the boat. Mind you the benefits he gains from this are enormous which makes me think why the hell am I overloading myself with extra work; it is highly noticeable that no-one has yet to offer me a helping hand.

Now the departure of madame is always extremely frustrating as it depends totally on the weather, or rather the wind. Obviously it has been blowing a gale for the past week preventing the boat from leaving port and attempting the crossing to Corsica. Cursed wind, no matter how often I pray it is the same every year.

Well I managed to visit an apartment during a rare afternoon free and put in an offer. The bank was quite acceptable for me taking out a second mortgage; the advisor seemed quite surprised when she realised how much solvable income there was in my assorted accounts.

The apartment is a slum dwelling; I am going further downhill with each place I buy. Subsequently it requires a reasonably large amount of money to install a kitchen, hot water and central heating. Mind you it has been rented for several years which makes me wonder how people manage to live in such conditions. All I can say is that I am not letting any property which isn’t at least up to minimum standards, I would be much to much ashamed to accept the rental.

So the offer to purchase has been made and I am just awaiting a reply. The finance for buying is sorted out and the necessary for the renovations put aside. I shall now let fate take over. If the offer is not accepted then I shall have a large sum of my savings to spend on enjoying myself rather than making yet another sacrifice for my retirement.

A rare day off tomorrow so I shall be taking myself out to lunch and lazing around all day; sometimes we need to just do nothing.

I finished work an hour ago and have been quietly sitting with the cat on my terrace whilst sipping a glass of wine to aid my unwinding. So you see life is not as bad as all that.

 

[dpnice]

Silence and solitude reigns over my remote little world. Madame and monsieur finally left to start their two month cruise leaving me alone to survey house, garden and animals. Two months, in which I can live like most people, working normal hours and having the evenings free; perhaps even the occasion to venture out and see what life is like outside of these walls. I can’t really even remember what it is like to not be working the weekend.

Sloth and lethargy are not part of the forthcoming routine seeing that there is a considerable amount of work to do during their absence, but I can do it at my own personal rhythm. Holidays are fitted into this schedule so I shall be off to Spain as planned but due to the new house purchase I shall be doing nothing extravagant during August.

Obviously the offer was accepted for the apartment and I am trying to decide which method of financing would be the most appropriate. Most people seem to advise borrowing the maximum possible; this would mean I would have to decrease my savings and spending significantly to cover the repayments causing the purchase to be more of a sacrifice than I really wish it to be. Yet to reduce the monthly sum I will need to empty my saving accounts and I am not certain whether that is a very good idea.

I don’t like taking these sorts of financial risks and general opt for the safest solution such as borrowing the least possible and thus reducing my monthly repayment to the absolute minimum.

The gay stereotype side of my nature has flooded to the fore since paying the 10% deposit. I have already designed the kitchen layout, informed myself what options are available for heating and hot water and got an idea how to organise the bed sitting room to ensure the maximum of free space in relation to the maximum of storage space. For someone who has lived on his own for most of his life I find myself a real little home maker. Instantaneously I am aware of how a space should be filled for maximum comfort and taste.

Though it is a little precipitated, guess who will be flitting from one chain of furniture shops to another in the next couple of days. I am not quite ready to start comparing paint and fabric samples but looking at furniture and kitchens is fun.

Time to return to JUB in force as glancing through the boards I didn’t recognise anyone. So many new people all building up their post counts like busy little beavers. Time for this oldie to add a little reality alongside all the youth flooding the board.

 

[dpnice]

Following madame’s departure I am taking two days off to recuperate before lancing myself into major cleaning and decorating jobs. Strange though that this recuperation consists of cleaning my own flat and putting everything back in order. Any sane person would drop everything, go out to enjoy themselves and relax on the beach.

Unfortunately I am unable to relax if my home environment is not impeccable.

I wandered out to the local town this morning to stock up my empty refrigerator to ensure that I had the means to cook meals this week. Subsequently I have the necessary to make the following:

Chocolate cake
Apple and caramel cake
Yoghurt ice cream
Lots of fruit
Omelette Nicoise, a sort of Spanish
omelett but with Ratatouille
Chicken with rosemary and mustard
The other half to roast
Pasta and salmon
Bolognaise
Meat loaf
Various salads
Steak in pepper sauce
Ravioli in mushroom and cream

With all my evenings free until madame’s return in September I now have the time and envy to open a bottle of wine and actually cook for myself. It really is a pleasant way to spend an evening, especially when I can eat it by candle light, in lonely splendour whilst watching the moon’s reflections in the sea.

 

[dpnice]

Well I have finally managed to snap myself out of a few days of complete and utter lethargy. It is not that I have done nothing, I accomplished all the essentials but apart from those all I have done is sleep, sleep and sleep again. Eating has consisted of a few bowls of cereal and fruit now and again. Collapsing in front of the television like a vegetable has been the sum of my efforts to achieve a worthwhile evening.

Applying rational thought I suppose it is normal after the hours I worked before the departure of madame; the total absence of any time for me weighs heavily at such times. But even so the guilty feelings are not wholly assuaged by such rational thoughts.

Without any warning or preparation I awoke at 6hr this morning and jumped into action without even thinking about it. Managed to catch up on those jobs I had left undone and I may even catch up completely by Monday leaving me free, minus all the guilty feelings, to concentrate on preparing for my holidays.

Though with little enthusiasm, I kept up to date with the comings and goings on JUB; the dramas and the childishness; the anger and the hatred; who is coming and whom is leaving. I can’t believe that people take all this so seriously. Has Internet really taken over the real life and communication with real people for some of us? Would we behave in the same way and say the same things in the same blatant manner if that person was standing in front of us?

In my solitude I perhaps have a greater need than some of us to communicate or at least feel part of a community, to see how other people live and think. But even so it just seems so obvious that all this is so ephemeral and should be treated as such.

 

[dpnice]

Sorry I lost Internet contact due to a huge storm.

Now I am in Barcelona and typing this quickly before some straight guest looks over my shoulder and has a heart attack.

Back home on the 26th july. So see you all then.

David

 

[dpnice]

Just arrived in Granada and will be back home soon.

Having a wonderful time, visiting the Alhambra tonight.