Everybody Knows You're Gay!

[LemonSquare]

Um .. no I have had enough people initially not believing me and thinking it's just more of my sarcasm.

Have you ever had to try and PROVE you were gay to a friend, in a non sexual way?

That was an interesting afternoon.

 

[altlover85]

Ephemeral, I'm sure Lube and many others (almost everyone here?) are aware of the reasons why people don't come out, but what he's saying is there are cases where people know and it's not really worth it to stay in the closet.

 

[Ephemeral]

Ephemeral, I'm sure Lube and many others (almost everyone here?) are aware of the reasons why people don't come out, but what he's saying is there are cases where people know and it's not really worth it to stay in the closet.

By the looks of the posts, it didn't look like it.

 

[altlover85]

What do you mean by "it" didn't look like it?

Do you mean people weren't aware of all the difficulties in coming out?

 

[Lube]

Ephemeral, I'm sure Lube and many others (almost everyone here?) are aware of the reasons why people don't come out, but what he's saying is there are cases where people know and it's not really worth it to stay in the closet.

I'm quoting you directly because there are a number of things you've said that show you really understand what I'm trying to say. Kudos to you! And thanks!

 

[altlover85]

You're welcome Lube!

I think sometimes people read things too literally.

 

[Lube]

I have to say this: coming out is a process that everyone needs to go through at their own pace. Some people come out early, some later in life, and it cannot be forced. You need to be ready. And until you are, messages urging people to come out will fall on deaf ears. I think that's the basis of 88Jockstraps' lashing out.

That said, I do believe that everyone owes it to themselves and the people around them to come out. The closet is an unhappy place.

It's just that some guys take way too long, on the assumption that "nobody knows unless I tell them." and I'm just saying you're not that in control of people.

No -- they don't...

My family TRULY believes that I am living with a "friend" -- and that we own a home and business together...

They UNDERSTAND that we sleep in 1 bedroom so that we can have 2 guest bedrooms...

They think we attend PRIDE festivals to show support towards human rights...

They LOVE the rainbow stickers on our vehicles ('cause rainbows are pretty)...

They are TOTALLY fooled!!!

Ha ha! My mom calls it a "special friend", Swerve!

The thing is we're dealing with individuals here. And as such, individual situations. We are not cookies pressed out of molds.

The amount of time it takes for a person to readjust to a lifetimes worth of heteronormative brainwashing depends on that person.

It's easier to pull than it is to push.

Pull them out with support, camaraderie, and community.
Pushing with insults and attacks of character are likely to be met with resistance, ex. post #7

$.02

I'm not attacking or insulting anyone. Shocking perhaps. Think of me as JUB's shock jock--but in a good way.

Yes, you did. Just remember some folks have to come out to themselves first!

I won't go into all the similarities that you and I have, but just to say neither of us were out in our early adulthood.

It's quite true, that many times when we (in general) come out, that most of the ones who really know us are not that surprised.

At the same time, no one should feel pressured to come out. Everyone has their own set of circumstances that let them know when they feel the time is right.

I will say that once I did, I felt 1000 times better about myself and the relief of this burden I had been carrying around for so long.

Oh, yes, G, I know I'm the worst offender. Didn't come out to myself until 43. But then life was a lot different in the 80's.

That's why I'm spreading my Message of Love!

If you realized nobody believed your silly lies, would you have stayed in the closet so long?

No. The reason the closet is a closet is that nobody knows--except they do know, so it's more like a glass closet. Which is no closet at all.

Don't you feel silly pretending to live a life that nobody else believes?

There's a phrase for that:

The Emperor Has No Clothes.

 

[fetaby]

I'm not attacking or insulting anyone. Shocking perhaps. Think of me as JUB's shock jock--but in a good way.

I know that and you know that, but the guy feeling insulted doesn't!

 

[Musik2400]

I can honestly say no one knew before I told the. THey thought it was some kind of prank. lolol. My one friend claimed I was "too straight to be gay" ROFLMAO!

Kind of made it harder to come out when I had to ague with them and tell them that it was for reals. lol

 

[CowboyBob]

Several times I've hit on guys I found attractive and they didn't believe I was gay. They thought I was joking around. One guy thought I was trying to steal his wallet. Once I was in an adult bookstore and when I tried to buy a rainbow sticker for my car the clerk said to me "Oh, you don't want that, do you? Do you know what that sticker means?".

Guess I've tried to come out but some won't let me.

 

[altlover85]

Travisevian, there wasn't as much gay visibility then, especially in the movies and on TV. And the internet wasn't around either.

I know TV and the movies introduced me to being gay (and seeing the Village People because my mom said they were gay and I asked what that meant) while the internet helped me to explore being gay further and start to understand what other thought of being gay outside of my hometown.

 

[Royal Heart]

My step-dad was all: "Thank god, I thought you were going to say you were into the Marilyn Manson and wanted to get your tongue pierced. No, it's fine if you're gay, just be safe and promise me you'll never listen to Manson." Oh dad. (This was when I was 13.)

 

[Rex]

To some people I told I was bi, they wouldn't believe me and thought I was lieing at first. Others just kind of were really surprised at first and later didn't make a big deal of it.

I don't think most of my current group of friends think I am. If they do they never show any indication of it.

 

[geloge]

When you are ready leave the closet, it's more comfortable out

I got several kinds of reactions "I knew", "you are kidding", "ok"...

 

[bendted]

Fully agree with the OP in that they know and you are delusional if you think you come across as straight . Also, the harder the 'str8 acting' act the more obvious it is that you are gay because you are attracting attention and scrutiny to and of yourself.

 

[MJEH89]

People have various reasons for staying in the closet:

-Financial reasons-Personal safety-Fear of rejection-Uncertainty-Personal comfort.

And these are all the reasons that more people NEED to come out. So we can eliminate the stigma presnted by all the above.

...the internet wasn't around either. The internet helped me to explore being gay further and start to understand what other thought of being gay outside of my hometown.

This is one of the greatest things about the Internet; it makes the world a smaller place.

Fully agree with the OP in that they know, and you are delusional if you think you come across as straight . Also, the harder the 'str8 acting' act, the more obvious it is that you are gay because you are attracting attention and scrutiny to and of yourself.

to the above statement!!

 

[Lube]

Would you mind elaborating? How was life so different in the 1980's?

You mean like the fact that cities were routinely publishing the names of gay men in newspapers to shame them?

Or no mainstream religions had started to embrace gay men yet?

Or gay-straight alliances at high schools were still a fantasy?

Or zero out of the 2400 students in my high school were 'out'?

Or that the norm for coming out was that you were thrown out of the house, your family refusing to ever contact you again?

Or the only portrayals of gays in Hollywood were very very negative?

Or that there were no 'out' celebrities? No Ellen, no Ricky Martin.

Or that the closest thing to a positive portrayal of a gay on TV was in Soap?

Or that it was perfectly acceptable for gays to be mocked and derided by comedians or in day to day conversation?

Or that there was much more violence directed at gays?

Or that Pride parades were in their infancy, mostly just in the biggest cities, and there was often demonstrations and violence? Or that it was a tough decision on whether to participate, because if your picture showed up in the newspaper or on TV you'd most likely be fired?

Or that there was not a single out gay person at the federal level, and only a couple in local municipalities?

Or that AIDS was this great unknown that was mysteriously decimating the gay population?

Or that most states had sodomy laws on the books, and you could be thrown in jail for being gay?


I mean, are you serious?

 

[Lube]

To some people I told I was bi, they wouldn't believe me and thought I was lieing at first. Others just kind of were really surprised at first and later didn't make a big deal of it.

I don't think most of my current group of friends think I am. If they do they never show any indication of it.

So if a friend came out to you, would you say point blank, "oh I knew you were gay all along!"

That's not a sign of a good friend. Typically you'd soften the blow by acting at least a little surprised, wouldn't you?

Don't take life so literally.

 

[Lube]

Another reason for this thread is that, so many times, guys say they can't come out because they're protecting their family or they don't want to shock their friends. So they linger in the closet for months or years or decades.

And then they find that many people suspected all along.

What a wasted life.

People know, ok? Don't use that as an excuse for not coming out. You're not going to send grandma to her grave, 'k?!

 

[Lube]

^Why would admitting you knew all along make you less of a friend? The sign of a friend should be the support you give, no?

Because you're telling your friend that his years of faking it was believable even though it wasn't.

If a good friend came up to you and said she was getting a divorce because her husband was cheating on her, would you tell her point blank that you suspected all along? Or would you commiserate with her, and maybe slowly reveal your suspicions after the divorce was finalized?

You don't want your friend to feel like a fool, do you? People are at their most vulnerable when they're just coming out.