Good rules for fwb?

[MarkScott]

There's a reason you don't see it "more often." It isn't easy to manage, and can very easily hurt or end a friendship.

I agree that it would be very difficult to turn a friend in to a sex partner. I guess I was thinking more of fb's who are just somewhat friends or bedroom friends.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

The whole semantics of it is what throws me off too.

IMO, if you're "friends" and having sex, you're "dating"/BF's - and probably have some kind of commitment issues with the title of 'dating' or 'BF'.

How can someone be OK to have dinner with, see movies with, hang out with, have sex with... but not earn the title of dating/BF that goes with it?

I see these types of scenarios as people wanting their cake and eat it too... all the perks of a relationship, but none of the actual work and non-perks that goes with it. IMO, life just doesn't work that way, and WILL eventually bite you in the ass for trying to take short cuts.

 

[darden]

The whole semantics of it is what throws me off too.

IMO, if you're "friends" and having sex, you're "dating"/BF's - and probably have some kind of commitment issues with the title of 'dating' or 'BF'.

How can someone be OK to have dinner with, see movies with, hang out with, have sex with... but not earn the title of dating/BF that goes with it?

different standards?

my last fuck buddy, before meeting my now-partner, was a foreign exchange student. we hung out, played video games, and had great sex, but we were never more than fuck buddies because there was no point in getting too emotionally connected with a guy who was only in my life until the end of the school term (when he had to go back to China).

my collegiate friend with benefits, on the other hand, was just too mentally unstable to ever seriously think about dating. he was a great friend and we had a lot of fun behind closed doors too, but I wasn't equipped to deal with the amount of drama actually dating him would bring. (as a friend, I can have the freedom of stepping back when he goes off his meds and letting his parents/professionals deal with it)

 

[xbuzzerx]

different standards?

my last fuck buddy, before meeting my now-partner, was a foreign exchange student. we hung out, played video games, and had great sex, but we were never more than fuck buddies because there was no point in getting too emotionally connected with a guy who was only in my life until the end of the school term (when he had to go back to China).

my collegiate friend with benefits, on the other hand, was just too mentally unstable to ever seriously think about dating. he was a great friend and we had a lot of fun behind closed doors too, but I wasn't equipped to deal with the amount of drama actually dating him would bring. (as a friend, I can have the freedom of stepping back when he goes off his meds and letting his parents/professionals deal with it)

The first situation makes a fair deal of sense imho. The second one kinda sounds like what Borg described -- going for the perks, but not being willing to make the investment. Not that I blame you, but Borg's statement was that many of these arrangements sound like wanting to just cherrypick the good parts out without actually committing or investing in the other person-- the second situation does sound like that.

 

[journo25]

I agree that it would be very difficult to turn a friend in to a sex partner. I guess I was thinking more of fb's who are just somewhat friends or bedroom friends.

No more new terms! "Bedroom friend" would be shortened to BF only to be confused with boyfriend.

FB is bad enough. You need to know the context not to confuse fuck buddy with Facebook. Biiiiiig difference! I've confused the two occasionally in conversation, with amusing results!

 

[RaKroma]

I understand when people want to establish some ground rules, but OP's list is so restrictive that it completely dehumanizes sexual experience between people to a point where I'd rather just fuck a fleshlight to get the same experience. The fear of developing natural feelings towards your fwb is crippling the point of sex.

 

[xbuzzerx]

What is with this phrase "catching feelings", as if it's an STD.

 

[mikey3000]

^ yeah, of all the posts in this thread, that line surprised me the most. And sadened me.

 

[Gentleheart]

What is with this phrase "catching feelings", as if it's an STD.

LOL right?

It must be the awful thing in the world.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I guess I wouldn't want to be told by someone that all I'd ever be to them was a 'fwb'.

It's basically telling me that all I mean to you is that I'm your cum dumpster. It's dehumanizing and demoralizing. What kind of self esteem, or lack of, would I have to have to allow myself to be treated so callously and cold?

"I wouldn't ever date you, but I'd certainly Fuck you."

Ouch

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

internet 2 a wonda

haaaaaaaaaa

 

[Ryuukie]

A question to the OP. What's the difference between you and a Fleshlight?

 

[Gentleheart]

It must be the awful thing in the world.

the most awful thing in the world.

that being said...I do think some people jump into these situations sometimes without being self-aware enough to know that they can't "handle" it.

 

[Saybrooke]

A question to the OP. What's the difference between you and a Fleshlight?

I have a dick, feet, cum and a bossy attitude. Four things he likes that a fleshlight can't help with. And a fleshlight doesn't help when a bottom wants to get fucked.

I don't get why most of you think this is such a bad thing or that I'm being an ass. He's not obligated to do this if he doesn't want to. I just don't want things to get messy.

And Gentleheart is right. Some people can't handle this. He just told me he wants a boyfriend, not a fwb. So we both move on to other people for what we need and just hang out playing video games and going to the gym like before. No harm no foul.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

The whole semantics of it is what throws me off too.

IMO, if you're "friends" and having sex, you're "dating"/BF's - and probably have some kind of commitment issues with the title of 'dating' or 'BF'.

How can someone be OK to have dinner with, see movies with, hang out with, have sex with... but not earn the title of dating/BF that goes with it?

I see these types of scenarios as people wanting their cake and eat it too... all the perks of a relationship, but none of the actual work and non-perks that goes with it. IMO, life just doesn't work that way, and WILL eventually bite you in the ass for trying to take short cuts.

I agree with this. Of course my boyfriend is more than just a best friend but I feel like he is that too with everything else.

 

[LeicsDom]

A little advice... NSA is a fantasy created by those who fear getting emotionally involved.

There are always strings attached when you're intimate with someone.

I disagree
I have mostly NSA and virtually never get any sort of emotional involvement.
Sure, once or twice I think it would be nice if things evolved with certain guys but I always go into it on a NSA basis and that's how it stays

 

[blackbeltninja]

^Have you ever tried repeated NSA with the same person, a FWB or an FB? I suspect that's what Borg is alluding to, that the NSA will become SA for at least one of you eventually.

-d-

 

[blackbeltninja]

Reasons why you got a strong reaction from the board:

You took a discussion that adults need to have one on one and sent it in an email. On top of that, you did it in a one-sided manner in which you set the entire terms. It read as if orders were being given. I think an actual chat before hand about what the both of you don't like and don't like in bed would've been fine, but instead you sent a list of rules as if you were the only one whose concerns should be considered.

You so clinically detailed what sex acts are forbidden that you've basically taken the entire fun out of the act. It's kind of a mind fuck to like sex enough to enjoy it casually, yet be so seemingly frigid.

Sex without head, without kissing, because they're too intimate... If these were my rules and I were having sex with you, I'd probably go through the act wondering how much eye contact is too much, or if I can I touch you at a certain spot without you getting the wrong idea.

As for the kissing... we all have preferences, so I can't knock you. But for me, being denied a man's mouth is as much of a rejection as if he never allowed me to disrobe him to begin with. What's the point of even having sex? The thought makes me recoil. I imagine it'll have that effect on a lot of guys.

I think that's what did it for me as well, the kind-of "These are the rules" as opposed to "well this would be ideal for me and I hope for you too, but let's see what we can swing."

I don't get why most of you think this is such a bad thing or that I'm being an ass. He's not obligated to do this if he doesn't want to. I just don't want things to get messy.

I dunno, if I got that email, the tone and delivery would make me feel like I was a hooker. I get you don't want it to get messy. But for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, the tone of it gives me the impression you think the other guy should be grateful you're considering him at all. I might be second-guessing here, but it sounds like a business proposal, and few business proposals are completely 100% evenly beneficial. One party normally gets more out of it than the other, and in this case it sounds like the winner is you.

-d-

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I disagree
I have mostly NSA and virtually never get any sort of emotional involvement.
Sure, once or twice I think it would be nice if things evolved with certain guys but I always go into it on a NSA basis and that's how it stays

^Have you ever tried repeated NSA with the same person, a FWB or an FB? I suspect that's what Borg is alluding to, that the NSA will become SA for at least one of you eventually.

-d-

I should have clarified. That is exactly what I meant. Thanks BBN.

 

[Gentleheart]

Sometimes, presentation is key. I don't think I like the way you choose to "present" your terms.

when I said that^...the is following is precisely what I was trying to say, but couldn't find the words.

You took a discussion that adults need to have one on one and sent it in an email. On top of that, you did it in a one-sided manner in which you set the entire terms. It read as if orders were being given. I think an actual chat before hand about what the both of you don't like and don't like in bed would've been fine, but instead you sent a list of rules as if you were the only one whose concerns should be considered.

You so clinically detailed what sex acts are forbidden that you've basically taken the entire fun out of the act. It's kind of a mind fuck to like sex enough to enjoy it casually, yet be so seemingly frigid.

Sex without head, without kissing, because they're too intimate... If these were my rules and I were having sex with you, I'd probably go through the act wondering how much eye contact is too much, or if I can I touch you at a certain spot without you getting the wrong idea.

As for the kissing... we all have preferences, so I can't knock you. But for me, being denied a man's mouth is as much of a rejection as if he never allowed me to disrobe him to begin with. What's the point of even having sex? The thought makes me recoil. I imagine it'll have that effect on a lot of guys.

I dunno, if I got that email, the tone and delivery would make me feel like I was a hooker. I get you don't want it to get messy. But for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, the tone of it gives me the impression you think the other guy should be grateful you're considering him at all. I might be second-guessing here, but it sounds like a business proposal, and few business proposals are completely 100% evenly beneficial. One party normally gets more out of it than the other, and in this case it sounds like the winner is you.

you both nailed it. Well said, guys!