How to come out?

[brettea79]

Don't want to scare you, but these things can go any which way. In my opinion it is best to come out for YOURSELF. I came out to my best friend of 12 years about 2 years ago. The day after, he called me up and asked if I was ok and told me he was fine with everything. Within a week he wouldn't answer my calls and severed all ties with me. Things were tough and I was heartbroken, but I moved on. Everyone else was cool with me. My friends all accepted me and in time I was happy again. What it comes down to is if they don't care about you then they never did in the first place. The story ends on a good note. Out of the blue one day my old friend called me and told me he missed me and was sorry. Now him and I live together and are back to being buds. Yea, things are alittle different. He gives me a hard time and jokes, but he's tells me he cares about me, has learned to accept me, and every now and then I can drag him out to a gay bar. I think you'll be ok. Thing will work out. Go for it and do it for yourself. Whoever loves you will stick around. I think your friend will be one of them.

 

[donyhat1]

when I came out to my kids was the hardest. my daughter was really easy to come out to. but my son was alittle harder, he said he was ok with it, but when he come to visit, I can tell he still and issues with me. but he still says he loves me and I him, so we just need to work though a couple of issue's.

 

[Soilwork]

Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed.

So you feel bad or he has a blast of reality.

OK... your turn... your choice.



















your answer?

 

[halubtsi]

The advice given has been great. As someone who's come out by just saying "I'm gay," as well as it being a part of a conversation, I can say that the former is BY FAR the easiest. It requires a build-up, but when you just blurt it out, it's done and over with. When it's part of a conversation, you're always searching for a way to phrase it...or you're looking for an appropriate segue onto the topic.

Your friend made a stupid comment. But why should you sacrifice your comfort for that of your best friend? What is it with us gay guys? Why do we put other's comfort and feelings before our own? We shouldn't be expected to be martyrs. Do what you feel is right. You said in your first post that you want to tell him, because he is your best friend. It's like you feel that he deserves to know this part of you. You're worried that he's going to be pissed that you waited so long to tell him...so why continue to wait? Sometimes, you just have to take a deep breath and jump in.

 

[ccssnowboard]

great thread riden

i know how u are feeling and i am in the same position. i already told my cousin awhile ago and i brought my ex to our place a couple of times, so he knows and he really doesnt bring up the subject about me being gay. he is more of a brother than a cousin so that helped alot.

the next step is to just tell my sister and my parents, but thats easier said than done......hehe.

 

[riden3]

Hey! Thanks for all the posts guys it really helped. I have good news, I finally came out! It was definitly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Luckily everyone who knows was very supportive and were very proud of me. I guess my generation understands homosexuality more and how hard it can be.

I have yet to tell my parents because I know they will send me to a psychiatrist or a pastor to try and fix me so I am going to wait until I don't need their support.

I will advise one thing. I would not come out if you are not ready. I had just accepted it myself and now that I am out, if I was still battling with it I would have second guessed myself if I came out at the right time. Now that I'm out I would not want to still be battling it inside myself. Good luck and thanks everyone.

 

[JackFTwist]

I figure if I tell someone that I am gay then if they hear it from someone esle it won't be news, gossip, or anything I need to worry about.

Worked as a theory particularly well with family. And my experience has been some friends are surprised, some are not, was no big deal to anyone that I told with one exception and fuck him [so to speak], and my father commented that I was not the only one in the family, which kind of confirmed what I thought about his sister...

 

[deeraine]

A Very Good Reply Well Done

 

[Riverrick]

I had just come out too after years of denial. It was weird though how I came out . I had just befriended this guy at itzamatch.com and I don't know what it was about this guy but it was so easy for me to be honest with him. I was able to tell him things (yes, a stranger) I had never told anyone before. The next thing I knew, I "came out" over an online chat when we were both online, he gave me a call and congratulated me over the phone. I celebrated alone in my apartment over a bottle of champagne. That's when I realized I was done with hiding. If a stranger at itzamatch.com was able to accept me and help me out of my miseries, I was going to face the world and let them deal with it.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still strategizing on how to go about it. But I gave myself this month to do it. It has to be now. So wish me luck, people! And to all who came out, you are my brave heroes.

Good luck, Grapplethis! Guys like you are MY heroes!

And Welcome to JUB. Stick around, huh?

 

[smaq44]

Openly gay therapist Joe Kort has lots of articles at his web site that were extremely helpful for me.
http://www.joekort.com/

These articles are especially awesome for guys thinking about coming out:

18 Things to Consider Before Coming Out
http://www.joekort.com/articles60.htm

and

Cass Model of Gay & Lesbian Identity Formation
http://www.joekort.com/PDF/cassmodelofidentityformation2.pdf

In additon, here are a few books I've found essential in my gay-affirmative library.

Loving Someone Gay by Donald H. Clark
(Originally published in 1977, this book is in its fourth edition, copyright 2005.)

Becoming Gay: The Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard Isay

On Being Gay: Thoughts on Family, Faith, and Love by Brian McNaught

Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers by Michelangelo Signorile

Now That I'm Out What Do I Do? by Brian McNaught

10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort

10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort

Best wishes,
Mac

 

[pianoman331]

I also extend my congrats to Riden3. It's hard to really open up about yourself to those close to you. You may be surprised to find that Iowans are not as conservative and uptight as you might expect. They can be very accepting. As a fellow Iowan I know firsthand. Good luck to you and, of course, to the Hawkeyes.

 

[pikey261]

well the way that i cam out was by my sister readin my txts on my phone from m 1st bf and we rowed and she told my mum so my family knws am gay now

 

[newkidondagayblock]

Hi Everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to tell all that I very recently came out to my best friend (female).

I had to choose whom I came out to. I live in India and even young generation may not react in the right way to homosexuality.

So I chose one of those who has interacted with guys from UK over phone and so is not averse to the idea of Gays.

We met for pizza, then went to an arcade. Simply told her " I am not attracted to girls". She asked how did I know? I told her " wasn't just a flash bulb moment" but can't say how long it took for me to realize I was gay.

That was it. She was happy I told her, but advised me not to tell everyone I know coz not all would understand.

Thats it. I just wanted to let you know this. May not help anyone. Thanks for listening.

 

[M4P]

Congratulations - I'm glad this was a positive coming out experience for you. I hope you're as successful with the next friend or family member you choose to share with

Hi Everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to tell all that I very recently came out to my best friend (female).

I had to choose whom I came out to. I live in India and even young generation may not react in the right way to homosexuality.

So I chose one of those who has interacted with guys from UK over phone and so is not averse to the idea of Gays.

We met for pizza, then went to an arcade. Simply told her " I am not attracted to girls". She asked how did I know? I told her " wasn't just a flash bulb moment" but can't say how long it took for me to realize I was gay.

That was it. She was happy I told her, but advised me not to tell everyone I know coz not all would understand.

Thats it. I just wanted to let you know this. May not help anyone. Thanks for listening.

 

[sdstud1222]

My opinion is this: wait for them to ask you. If you bring it up yourself, they may not be ready for it. When they ask you, then they are ready for the answer. If someone asks you, "Are you gay?" just say, "Yes" and leave it at that. If they ask you another question, answer that truthfully. If someone asks you, "So, do you have a girlfriend?" just say, "No. I'm gay." and leave it at that. If someone offers to hook you up with a girl, just say, "No, thanks, I'm gay. But thanks anyway." If they want to know more, they will ask you more, and you can continue to answer truthfully. If you bring up the issue yourself, without them having asked you, then you run the risk of telling someone who is not ready to hear it, or won't accept it, or doesn't want to know, or doesn't care. When they ask you, however, they are ready for the truth and you know you can tell the truth. This way of dealing with it takes a great deal of pressure off you. There is no pressure on you to tell anyone, unless they specifically ask you.

this is some really good advise... I have never though of this before. but i doubt any of my friends will ask

 

[BigBoss]

Nice to hear all these things,,,wish i could do that all,,but the part of world im living im going to put myself and my family in danger if i open up,,I am in a relationship and sometimes me and my Bf wish to come out of the closet and show to all of the world that how much we love each other,,,but it would remain a dream...We have planned to visit USA and get married there and then come back to Pakistan while cherishing our marriage for our whole life together but that would be b/w us,,,

 

[littlephoenix]

Riden3 good for you, hey you live once, and i say live it up baby, learn to fly and feel the air beneath your god given wings

 

[darcey]

"This above all, to thine ownself be true. And if follows as the night the day thou can'ts be false to any man" (sorry Mr Shakespeare). Coming out is always a risk, but if we never risk we never live (remember when you 1st walked? neither do i). Thank you riden3, I know you've helped even those who just read your journey. I too left books for my parents, but my mom remains Cleopatra - Queen of De Nile! Bravo (& Brava) to all who risk, & life will only be more worth living when you practice the advice of Jerry Herman fm La Cage - "I am what I am"!

 

[cellular]

Yes im also having a problem coming out to certain people. My problem is like this: When i came out to my friend who was a girl last week, i started off by saying 'i have something personal to tell you' and she was like 'what?you're gay?'. It didnt give me enough ground to move on before i admitted i was. This could be a problem because if she was homophobic, she would have ran away after i said yes.
Im sure when i ask other people what they think of gay men, they are going to ask me if im gay straight after i have asked their thoughts on gays.
How do i ease the issue gently, tell them all the facts before i admit it.

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

Im sure when i ask other people what they think of gay men, they are going to ask me if im gay straight after i have asked their thoughts on gays.

One that I've often thought of trying (although haven't yet so I can't tell you if it works) is the 'I have a friend...' approach.
You can ask them what they think of gay guys and when they ask why, it's because you have a friend that has just come out to you and you're not sure how to handle it, what to think etc.

Just a thought.