How to come out?

[MirrorMan]

Hey, I guess I'll give this a shot...

I grew up in a religious family that feels amoung other things homosexuals are the downfall of our nation. I've been strugling with this for a long time and it even landed me in a mental hospital quite a few times. I need to talk to my family, but I don't know how... for exampel my dad feels all the gay people in the world needs to be burned alive and/or shoved off a cliff. My sister however is the person I live with, while she is super-religious she also believes murder is wrong so thats good... but she feels gay marriage is wrong. My sister will probally be all upset that I'm doomed to go to hell and such, but I know in my heart that I am ok with God (I'm religious too, though I strongly dislike organized religion). What do I do?

 

[drhladnjak]

MirrorMan, you're in a tough situation, but you're certainly not the first person to be there.

I think it's safe to say that your family will almost certainly not take your future coming out particularly well. Since you're only 18, I'd recommend not coming out to them until you are entirely independent from them financially. That means if you're in college and they're helping to pay, wait until you graduate. Since you're living with your sister, wait until you've moved out on your own. Lots of young people get kicked out or are effectively forced out of the house by unaccepting family.

When you do decide to tell them, be prepared for strong reactions--condemnation, being cut off, etc. You never know what will happen, but don't have any illusions about it. Try to keep the channels of communication open for a while afterwards. Some of them might come around eventually, especially younger people like your sister.

If you've been in a mental hospital before over coming out issues (I assume we're talking about depression or suicidal tendencies here), you really should find a therapist or some sort of mental health professional to talk with about your sexuality. Your local PFLAG should be able to refer you to a gay-friendly therapist. At your age, you probably still have your parents' insurance or none at all. It's worth paying the money to work through this though! A lot of therapists have sliding scales and can work with you to come up with a payment arrangement. If you're in school, usually there's some sort of free counseling available too.

 

[Riverrick]

Mirrorman, I would recommend getting some support systems in place before coming out. That would be gay and straight friends who know you are gay and care about you. Like drhladnjak said, there is a risk of everything going to hell and so you would want to be prepared for that.

I would hope that your family would want what's best for your mental health after seeing the pain staying in the closet has caused you in the past. Often they do better with coming out than we expect, but not always.

One more suggestion. Start your own thread about this topic. You'll get a lot more responses that way. Good luck!

 

[mydrew1]

Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.

One person at a time, first with the guy you trust most.

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

you dont need permission or recognition or to inform anyone.

This reminds me of something one of the Big Brother housemates over here said a few seasons ago. He said that his brother never had to tell his parents that he was straight, so why should he have to tell them he's gay.

Ok so BB isn't a good role model for life, but I thought this was a good point.

 

[drhladnjak]

This reminds me of something one of the Big Brother housemates over here said a few seasons ago. He said that his brother never had to tell his parents that he was straight, so why should he have to tell them he's gay.

Why not? Well, for starters being gay is not the same as being straight. Most parents tend to expect that their children will be straight. In fact, most straight people assume other people are straight unless they have a good reason to believe otherwise. Of course, some parents figure it out and have a sort of unspoken understanding with their kids about their sexuality, but I'd say that's certainly the exception rather than the rule.

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

Why not? Well, for starters being gay is not the same as being straight. Most parents tend to expect that their children will be straight. In fact, most straight people assume other people are straight unless they have a good reason to believe otherwise. Of course, some parents figure it out and have a sort of unspoken understanding with their kids about their sexuality, but I'd say that's certainly the exception rather than the rule.

Well yes I agree that that's how it is but it's not how it should be. These days no one should assume anything. That's part of the reason it's so hard to come out.

 

[Neji]

I'm in a similar situation as Mirrorman except I have not been to a mental hospital and have not talked to anyone in person about the truth. I don't have any gay friends let alone close friends so this is going to be hard to do if I want to start a conversation about it. I'm finding it hard to find someone I can fell confident that I can trust them to talk about it. I don't think my parents want to see them burned or anything, but they said something along the likes of "thank god you didn't turn out like that" when there was a drag queen on tv, which really enraged me.

 

[Riverrick]

I'm in a similar situation as Mirrorman except I have not been to a mental hospital and have not talked to anyone in person about the truth. I don't have any gay friends let alone close friends so this is going to be hard to do if I want to start a conversation about it. I'm finding it hard to find someone I can fell confident that I can trust them to talk about it. I don't think my parents want to see them burned or anything, but they said something along the likes of "thank god you didn't turn out like that" when there was a drag queen on tv, which really enraged me.

Well, just start here. Hang around the boards and get comfortable with gay guys.

Then look for some sort of local gay support network, like a gay and lesbian community center or something. Or go on gay.com and chat with guys in your area.

Just take it slow and give yourself time. By the way, I understand how you felt when your parents said that.

 

[Neji]

Does coming out to other gay people count as being out?

 

[M4P]

Of course it does! You're coming forward and telling people who you are

 

[Riverrick]

Does coming out to other gay people count as being out?

Interestingly, that can be really hard to do. I think because it blows your cover and you take the risk of other people finding out. Also, you're finally defining yourself as a gay man.

 

[Neji]

True. I'm finding it extremely difficult to conclude who I can trust. I'm thinking if I knew someone that was already out, that person might be the first I tell, but I don't know anyone that is.

Interestingly, that can be really hard to do. I think because it blows your cover and you take the risk of other people finding out. Also, you're finally defining yourself as a gay man.

That's almost exactly what I felt and feel every time I think to myself that I am close to telling someone.

 

[Neji]

I've been waiting for someone to ask me flat out, but no one ever has.

 

[bananagoof]

Listen....

I'm not going to tell you it'll be easy. But I think it's comparable to any other major piece of news in your life. You chose not to finish university? Why? You bought a new car? Why? You're moving to Peru? Why? Those who love you will react individually. You know how sometimes people make things into big deals and you never expected they would? Well it's like that. Or, it could end up being the biggest deal to you, and not to them.

As for it "changing things", everything changes. We might love our lives right now, but sadly we can't make today the status quo. People we care about are going to leave, get mad, die and all those other awful things we'd like to hope won't happen. Ultimately, you can't choose how to live your life based on whether or not the timing is good for other people.

That said, pick your moment. Remember that you'll feel able to handle whatever comes afterwards when you're truly ready. And that sometimes, you never know until you jump.

 

[queerjaydenton2007]

Excellent Advice. I just spilled the beans myself and if someone didn't slready know-they did not act any different to me yet.

Jay Denton

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

anyway all this crap made me think , and i met this guy we talked and i felt he was sinsere we got close and one thing led to another , he knows my story and is realy accepting and patient , i just no my freinds wont accept me and my family are so homophobic

I feel for you. You need to make sure you're 100% comfortable with your sexuality (whatever it turns out to be) before you tackle the issue of telling others. If you're confident in who you are, it's easier to tell others.

Most importantly don't rush anything.

I'm sorry that's not much help but I wanted to say something supportive.

 

[gayjonathan78]

I really don't think there is a right or wrong way of doing, just know that it should be done with tact, in the end it's who you are I was blessed to a have a really good close female friend who is very open minded to this topic, I came out to her first, and she really helped me, I finally had someone to talk to and it felt good. Even though that was just a start it really helped me build up my confidence and courage.

 

[Riverrick]

i just told my wife lastnitst e its over i also told her im in love with a man , i havnt done anything but he understands me !! she had an affaair for i think was 12 mths ,and i dont no how to get over it , i do like men and that is probablly why i did fall for this guy ,, im just so confused i dont know what to do . help me pleases

same here i have no1 to talk to , and i am cracking up

Trainer, you are in a very complicated situation and it would seem that you need a real life person to help you right now. Do you have any friends that you can talk to? Do you know of any counsellors? Both you and your wife would probably benefit from counselling right now, either individually or as a couple.

To get the most out of this forum, I would suggest that you start a thread and tell us as much of your story as you are comfortable telling. You will get a lot of support here. Good luck and I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

At first I'll want to say this is not my native language, so maybe there are mistakes which make it hard to understands me, but I do my best...

So I think coming out is very hard. I told my best friend 4 years ago that I'm gay, at first she don't believe me and when I assure her that I am gay, she always used to kidding me, she told all our friends thenceforward I've lost all my friends, it tooks 3 years till anyone respect me, and the only reason for that was that Kimberly says she's my girlfriend. She's also gay, so that is the reason for her to bail me out. I'm on an other school now, everything is alright. So I really don't think I ever be able to tell someone even if that means I'll never find a boyfriend. I know it sounds stubid, but that's the way it is.

I know how you feel but it won't always be like that. My story is similar. I came out in year 11 but that didn't go well; I lost my best friend and many others. When I started working however, I found my new best friend. He is straight but he's all I could ask for in a friend. I came out to him six months ago and we are now closer because of it. This took me seven years to try coming out again but it was worth it.

I'm not saying it will take you seven years but it might be a while before you are again confident enough to take the shot. I can say that one day you will come out again and it will go much better.