How to come out?

[Eagle653]

^^^I think this happens more than we like to think. Very few guys are able to fool everyone. Most have a fair number of people who already knew.

 

[Lube]

Occasionally Give off Gay Vibes. so when they do find out they would be more Like "Oh I kinda already Knew" rather than OMG You're gay"

^^^I think this happens more than we like to think. Very few guys are able to fool everyone. Most have a fair number of people who already knew.

Ain't that the truth!

We all think we're so clever by not mentioning the gender of our date last night when we talk about him at work.

Or we think "I'm too busy at work/school to date" is a reasonable excuse to tell people why you're not dating a girl (and/or have never dated a girl, LOL).

But, c'mon. People aren't stupid. Those are probably the biggest clues that you are gay.

Your friends, family, & coworkers/fellow students may be in denial, but

They already know you're gay!

So, just let them know.

Don't worry about them; just be comfortable in your own sexuality before you come out.

 

[iluvbenmckenzie]

Can someone offer me advice?
I've been debating whether or not to post about it here for a few months, but I kept on getting nervous about putting myself in the open.
Anyway, I'm about to be a senior in high school and I found out that I'm attracted to guys in 8th grade when I was in the lockerroom (Anyone else discover it this way?). For the first couple years I tried denying it, thinking htat it was a phase that would hopefully end soon. Obviously that didn't change, but at one point (about a year and a half ago), I was settled on just getting married to a woman one day and holding in my sexuality. At the beginning of junior year I concluded that couldn't work, but since then I've made no move at all to coming out.

Since the vast majority of my friends are teenagers, I often run into negative comments about homosexuality ("That's so gay," "You're a fag," etc.). Although they're not directed at me or my sexuality, it still makes me feel incredibly insecure and just scared in general. Really whenever the topic of a relationship comes up, I get uncomfortable because I haven't been able to be honest with people. However, I'm afraid that when I do come out, that everything will change. How do I know if my friends are just saying homophobic comments because the phrases are just ingrained in their vocabulary and they're not homophobic, or they really are homophobic? It's hard to tell when some of them will use one of those phrases so vehemently.

I'm a little worried about how my parents will react, too, but my sister assuaged those fears when she mentioned that the parents are fiscally conservative, but open about social issues like homosexuality. I'm not sure if it was completely incidental and she had no idea that I'm gay, or she thinks I'm gay and was just trying to give me advice on how to come out. My parents don't currently have any gay friends, but one of my mom's roommates in college is a lesbian. The one member of my close family I'm most worried about is my twin brother. I know he's straight (a couple times, after typing in google, I accidentally saw his searches), but like my friends he often uses homophobic slurs. And he seems to use them more often than they do, but of course my comparison of him and my friends is skewed because I live with him. Anyway, on Facebook he's listed as "Liberal" for political views, but to me he's always been close-minded about most things. However, I've never heard him express his opinion about homosexuality. I mentioned my sister's comments earlier on homosexuality, and after she went into talking about gay marriage and debating whether or not it's an issue of respect for gays or a financial issue (tax benefits), I noticed my brother was very quiet throughout.

I think I covered everything. Sorry it's so long. There are just many factors that are making me scared to come out. I'd like to come out before I graduate from high school (in case you're wondering, I'm already 18 - my mom put me into pre-school late), just so whenever I run into my friends and classmates again, I won't have to do it person-by-person. But feel free to tell me what you think about coming out before graduation or not. Part of me just wants to go to college, and then when the topic of girls/past girlfriends come up, I'll just tell my roommate I'm gay. Anyway, any thoughts/advice?




P.S.: I do have a gay friend with whom I'm kinda close. Do you think that I should come out to him and then ask about how he came out? He's a year older than me, but we don't hang out very often. I think the only time I'd be alone with him next is when I do a college visit to where he'll be enrolled.

 

[drhladnjak]

Coming out to another gay person is not a bad strategy at all as out of everybody, they're probably the most likely to not have a negative reaction. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if the gay friend already has his suspicions about you. You could go either way though. Waiting until college will give you a fresh start, but doing it now might give you a head start on coming to grips with being out I suppose.

You'll know when the time is right, but it sounds to me like you're on the cusp of doing it yet still feeling some final discomfort. Remember though--there's never going to be an absolutely perfect time. You'll probably be a nervous wreck and there will almost certainly be some awkwardness, but once you push through that you'll be glad you did it!

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

You shouldn't read too much into phrases such as you hae mentioned. Calling things "gay" is so often used these days that it has lost much of its original power.

My closest friend is the most accepting person I know but he still calls things gay. I know he never means it as offensive.

 

[tatu101]

Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.

i had the same problem in grade school i just came out and if and one picks on you dont even listen to them there just stupid bitches but your friends they should accept you mine did i know youre nervos dont be things will get better in time

 

[GBirdie]

Hi there, I'm new here.... but I've actually seen this site for quite a long time, just didn't join.

Anyway, about me, I'm pretty sure I'm gay but I only realised it since about 3 years ago. Since I was 13, I kinda admired boys more than girls, but I thought it was just a phase or that it was normal. But then I gave in to the thought that maybe I was gay, and tried to accept it, up until now. I don't hate myself for being gay, in fact, I kinda like it, but the problem is, in my country, everybody isn't as open and free about these kind of topics.

I'm in secondary school now, and I've actually planned on telling one of my friends, one of my closest friends so to say... but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was a time when I was determined and ready to tell him, but when the time came, the words just couldn't come out of my mouth. I would either just call him, then say it was nothing, or my mouth would just try to change the topic.

On the other hand, even though I'm pretty ready, I'm just afraid of losing a friend, just in case, since I've never actually heard about any gay people in my school yet. I guess their all bottled up because of the society I'm in.

Sorry if its a little long, but I just need you people's advice. pls post whatever you guys can say.

Thanks.

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

...
On the other hand, even though I'm pretty ready, I'm just afraid of losing a friend, just in case, since I've never actually heard about any gay people in my school yet. I guess their all bottled up because of the society I'm in.
...

Telling the first person is always the hardest but once you've got that out in the open, you will have a tremendous weight lifted off your shoulders.

Do you know what his stance on the matter is? Has he ever said negative things about gay people? By the way, calling things 'gay' does not count as it is so prevalent in today's society that it's lost its original connection. Does he dislike anyone because they are gay (eg. celebrities)?

It's a hard step to take, but if you trust him and you believe he will be ok with it then you should go ahead with it. You have already said that you are ready except that you are afraid of losing a friend. You can't really be more ready than this because you will always have some fear the first time.

 

[GBirdie]

Do you know what his stance on the matter is? Has he ever said negative things about gay people? By the way, calling things 'gay' does not count as it is so prevalent in today's society that it's lost its original connection. Does he dislike anyone because they are gay (eg. celebrities)?

It's a hard step to take, but if you trust him and you believe he will be ok with it then you should go ahead with it. You have already said that you are ready except that you are afraid of losing a friend. You can't really be more ready than this because you will always have some fear the first time.

Well, not that I know of him saying negative things about them.... we usually don't talk much about these, well, cause of the society I live in, I said before. But well, there are a couple of lesbians in our school, and they seem to be getting along fine, but I don't personally know any of them, so just too bad.

I really wish I could tell him, since I do trust him. Its just that, first of all, I'm afraid of losing a friend that I've known so well. And besides that, I'm just afraid that he'll look at me/things differently. Like say.... when I'm playing with other friends, or during class trips or sometimes swimming/picnic trips, I'm just afraid that he'll think differently of me, and maybe avoid staying near me or whatever, during those times, even if he understands me...... well, you guys should know..... hard to explain how its like, but I can imagine it, since once you know something about someone, you can't 'unknow' it or look at things as it was.

Another thing I'm nervous about is How I'm gonna tell him. Should I actually plan what to say, or just find a time and blurt it out?.... I've actually told another close friend of mine quite some time ago. But I think I kinda put the sentence slightly wrongly, and he misunderstood me, so things didn't turn out too good, but well, he's still one of my closest friends, just that he pretends that I never told him anything about it, since I told him to do that if he felt uncomfortable with it.

I just don't want to do the same thing again and have someone knowing, but yet trying to pretend he doesn't know. Any advice, anyone?

Thanks

 

[user name]

why do you feel like you need to tell him?

 

[tomersh]

sb is right...

every closeted guy thinks that nobody knows. And the'yre usually wrong.

He's told you he has no problem with gay people.. so.. maybe he was letting you know it's ok to tell him?

I found the best way to tell someone (and I haven't had to in a LONG time), is to just blurt it out. don't make a big deal, don't give a big set up or a big preamble.. just.. blurt it out.

And good for you for wanting to live life as who you are.

Lots of men dont' EVER have the guts to do that.

i agree with you...i think he mentioned the fact that he doesn't have a problem with gay people is because he knows or at least thinks that there is a chance that you are.....and trust me....no matter how you act some things ,the smallest things, give you away...things you can't control and you don't think much of, to the people around you (mostly your friends) they might indicate other wise......that's why i think it's the easiest to come out to your friends first when you're ready

 

[tomersh]

Well, not that I know of him saying negative things about them.... we usually don't talk much about these, well, cause of the society I live in, I said before. But well, there are a couple of lesbians in our school, and they seem to be getting along fine, but I don't personally know any of them, so just too bad.

I really wish I could tell him, since I do trust him. Its just that, first of all, I'm afraid of losing a friend that I've known so well. And besides that, I'm just afraid that he'll look at me/things differently. Like say.... when I'm playing with other friends, or during class trips or sometimes swimming/picnic trips, I'm just afraid that he'll think differently of me, and maybe avoid staying near me or whatever, during those times, even if he understands me...... well, you guys should know..... hard to explain how its like, but I can imagine it, since once you know something about someone, you can't 'unknow' it or look at things as it was.

Another thing I'm nervous about is How I'm gonna tell him. Should I actually plan what to say, or just find a time and blurt it out?.... I've actually told another close friend of mine quite some time ago. But I think I kinda put the sentence slightly wrongly, and he misunderstood me, so things didn't turn out too good, but well, he's still one of my closest friends, just that he pretends that I never told him anything about it, since I told him to do that if he felt uncomfortable with it.

I just don't want to do the same thing again and have someone knowing, but yet trying to pretend he doesn't know. Any advice, anyone?

Thanks

actually i know what you mean cause it's one of the things i keep thinking about when i'm going to tell my friends how well they react or how well they act around me afterwards even if they accept me i keep thinking they'll still act weird .......i think the only way is if you really feel that it is the time to tell your friend you should just do it and hope for the best.....cause eventually the guy is one of your closest friends and if your not ganna trust him to accept you and be ok with it then who are you ganna trust?.....by the way where are you from?

 

[GBirdie]

I'm from Malaysia, anyway, Haha, haven't checked this post for quite some time lol.

Guess quite some things happened in the last month.
I managed to tell that friend of mine. Well, actually, I didn't 'tell', he guessed it.... I was just saying that I had something important to tell him, and that it was one of my largest secrets.... and he asked for some time to think (I think he was analyzing what he knew about me, lol), and after 20 mins, he knew what it was all about and some other details about it, without me having to say anything except yes and no.

For now.... he's taken things fine, though he doesn't really understand how the hell I became gay, and still can't really accept it, tries to find girls for me (without success). But he's still one of my best friends, and he's the same old guy. A few more people know now, including his girlfriend (which I asked him to tell), and another girl.

 

[tomersh]

I'm from Malaysia, anyway, Haha, haven't checked this post for quite some time lol.

Guess quite some things happened in the last month.
I managed to tell that friend of mine. Well, actually, I didn't 'tell', he guessed it.... I was just saying that I had something important to tell him, and that it was one of my largest secrets.... and he asked for some time to think (I think he was analyzing what he knew about me, lol), and after 20 mins, he knew what it was all about and some other details about it, without me having to say anything except yes and no.

For now.... he's taken things fine, though he doesn't really understand how the hell I became gay, and still can't really accept it, tries to find girls for me (without success). But he's still one of my best friends, and he's the same old guy. A few more people know now, including his girlfriend (which I asked him to tell), and another girl.

well what can i say..just read the post.....
well i'm really happy for you and i hope everything goes well .......your friend sounds like a good guy i think he'll eventually accept it...but at least he's standing by your side....

 

[boy-i-wanna-make-u-sweat]

well what can i say..just read the post.....
well i'm really happy for you and i hope everything goes well .......your friend sounds like a good guy i think he'll eventually accept it...but at least he's standing by your side....

I agree. If he's still your friend now then I think he will eventually fully accept it. Some people need time to adjust to new information.

Congratulations!

 

[GBirdie]

Haha, thanks guys....

In fact it gets easier each time you tell..... told another girl just this tuesday and another guy yesterday. They're fine with it lol.

 

[keinetic]

Haha, thanks guys....

In fact it gets easier each time you tell..... told another girl just this tuesday and another guy yesterday. They're fine with it lol.

Things do get easier after the 1st step. I was worried like you since I was living in Malaysia as well. But after I came out, I found that most people don't really care. Now, I'd already come out to 7 persons and I no longer hide my sexuality

Hope that your future coming out will be as good

 

[GBirdie]

I think first thing you gotta do is go out and meet people...

Right now, you sound like you need some friends. Get a hobby, a job, or something.... I guess you're about 19?? Find something you like to do, and get to know more people, make friends... and find someone you can trust. If you think you shouldn't tell your family, then don't.... or at least, don't yet.

And btw... DON'T feel that there's something wrong with you.... There's nothing wrong. Thats all I can say... since I'm also kinda new to these stuff...

Hope you get better.

 

[Lasosa]

Hey, everybody. I've been a lurker here for quite some time, but now I feel it's time to contribute since it seems like a very nice community.

Anyway, I turn 22 soon, and I know that it's finally time for me to come out. Up until a couple of months ago, I was convinced that I'd stay closeted forever, but a lot has changed since then.

So, I'm actually seeking some advice on good ways to come out. What I've been wanting to do is write a blog (myspace and livejournal) about it and to just let all my friends find out from there. There's a lot I need to get off my chest, and I just feel like this is a good way to fill everybody in on it. For some reason, however, I feel like this might turn out negatively. Would it be better to do it in person? Has anybody else had some experience with coming out like this?

I'm so excited to do this, and I just want to make sure everything goes smoothly.

Thanks.

 

[drhladnjak]

They're are many ways to come out and different ways work for different people in different circumstances. One advantage you'd have using a blog is that you can craft your words exactly. Another is that it may be easier to convey the idea in writing that it's not a big deal. In particular, that can avoid awkward conversations that may arise if and when you want to tell somebody you know but who you're not particularly close with ("hmm... why is he telling ME this?"). Coming out in person is often harder to plan because there may be questions or other reactions by who you're telling that may divert what you were planning to say.

In my case, I came out on my blog after I'd come out to a few key people in person already. Looking back, it actually worked pretty well. Keep in mind that typically anybody could read your blog. Even if it has friends-only features, a friend could show it to somebody else. You have to treat it as a public announcement that you're gay. In my case, I didn't want my parents (for example) to find out I was gay from my blog so I made sure to tell them first. At the time I didn't think they were reading it, but you really can never be sure.