How to come out?

[riden3]

Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.

 

[Roland00]

First be mentally and emotionally ready, if you aren't you will have a bad experience, or the experience won't go as well as it should.

Second pick someone you are close to and you know will do probally the best with the news of all the people that matter to you. This person is the easiest, so practice on them first before doing the harder ones on them. (You have already done this step)

Third tell them that you need to talk to them, get there attention and make sure they are listening just don't spring it on them from the middle of nowhere. They deserve to give you their full attention, and they need to be "mellow," just listening and taking it all in.

Finally spill the beans, say whatever that feels comfortable with you. Be yourself, and be honest.

Your friends may be hurt at first that you didn't tell them earlier, or they may be hugging you and congratulating you. Rarely do friends have a real problem with it for believe it or not you probally unconsciously have been selecting friends that accept you. Family is harder, for you can't choose your family, and there is a greater chance of a bad reaction.

In the end, you didn't choose to be gay, it just happen. You can't change it, so just make the best out of your life and enjoy yourself. Being gay doesn't change you one bit in the slightest, or make you inferior or greater than other people. Its a bigger deal for you than it is for other people.

And once its all over you will smile uncontrollably, for your real life has begun

 

[SFMusic]

Bravo Roland, excellent advice.

 

[chance1]

Ok, now that i'm in college i feel i should be myself and come out to my friends. if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys. i'm rooming w/ my best friend so i feel i should come out to him first. he's mentioned before how he is fine w/ gays so he probably won't care much, but i just feel like i've lied to him my whole life and decieved him since i've known him since 3rd grade and he thinks i'm straight.

my question though is how should i come out? should i just randomly be like "yeah, i'm gay..." or should i wait until it is more appropriate and are talking about girls or next time he talks about someone gay? any advice on what ways work best or anything that worked well when you guys came out? thanks a lot i'm really freaking about it b/c i want to get it over w/ as soon as possible.

You sound/seem very certain that this is the right thing to do. That's great. It means you are comfortable with who you are. I think coming out to an open person (your roomie) is a good way to go - with likely positive results. He may be upset about you springing this on him after so long but perhaps he suspects - maybe. Better to tell him now then later or never. He may not see it that way initially but eventually.

I agree with Roland00 - be honest - be yourself - seems like you are already doing a good job with that.

Keep me/us posted. I'm excited for you

 

[confusedboy23]

Great posts here I see. There is so much for me to learn from this thread too and riden3, you have my best wishes!

I've also been tempted to share my sexuality issues with my close friend but I still have not found the guts to do so yet. I have only just accepted myself so I guess I'm allowing time to help me accept myself better before I do anything else!

But I really am glad that you know who you are and you have found a friend worth sharing with.

 

[sb]

if you meet me you'd never guess i'm gay b/c i just act like one of the guys.

every guy in the closet thinks that. don't have anything else to add except its never as hard as you imagine it will be.

 

[Soilwork]

sb is right...

every closeted guy thinks that nobody knows. And the'yre usually wrong.

He's told you he has no problem with gay people.. so.. maybe he was letting you know it's ok to tell him?

I found the best way to tell someone (and I haven't had to in a LONG time), is to just blurt it out. don't make a big deal, don't give a big set up or a big preamble.. just.. blurt it out.

And good for you for wanting to live life as who you are.

Lots of men dont' EVER have the guts to do that.

 

[drhladnjak]

I have only one thing to add since everybody's already said lots of good advice.

It doesn't matter so much how you say it as much as that you say it at all. It's gonna be hard for you and possibly awkward for all involved. You've just got to get over that hump and do it. Afterwards, it won't really matter if you just say it out of the blue or wait until he's talking about girls.

 

[jockboy01]

Hmm, I think I disagree somewhat. Most of what's here I agree with. But I would say that out of the blue is way harder for somebody to react to than slipped into a conversation. They feel a need to react and don't know what to say.... kind of like a girl blurting out "I'm pregnant" (don't know if it ever happened to anybody here, but it did with my best friend... and not by me fyi). It's very hard to come up with "the right thing to say". But if you casually mention it in a conversation, it is easier for them to process and respond to. Just my two cents.

 

[drhladnjak]

I agree that reactions can differ based on circumstances, but I hold that in the end such differences usually aren't that big of a deal. The danger in waiting for the perfect moment, is that either it will never come or that when it does you've built things up so much that you chicken out. Using a condition like "I'm going to tell him tomorrow night when the two of us are eating dinner alone" is more likely to get this resolved than using a condition like "I'll tell him the next he brings up girls and I feel awkwakrd".

 

[riden3]

Hey everyone, thanks a TON for the responses. It really helps. I was going to do it this weekend on our drive to visit home b/c the subject of how one of our friends came out of the closet and I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.

Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed. I can't think straight and decide if my happiness and freedom to be who I was born to be is worth it by telling all my friends I'm gay and have them be like "what the hell?" I know things would change. They wouldn't horse around w/ me as much and probably make fun of me for wanting to "take it up the butt" as they always put it.

I've told one of my girl friends I was gay who is at another college now, and I had her tell a few of our town friends who go there too as test subjects and they reacted positively towards it which made me happy and all set to go until the car ride. They were kind of surprised too. They figured I was either gay or just had no interest in girls yet because they said the only thing that hinted I was gay was that I've never dated/kissed a girl, and have had pretty girls throw practically throw themselves at me and I just stepped aside.

I am not sure anymore if I feel ready to come out. I want to come out and be myself, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the reactoins. I'm sick of hiding yet I'm scared of change. I've been thinking about this non stop for the past few days and my mind is exhausted...what should I do?

 

[drhladnjak]

I'd say it's more important than ever that you come out to your friend. You coming out to him will probably be just what he needs to examine his own attitudes towards gay people. While the comments are hurtful and awkward, there would have been something outstanding about responding with "Hey, I'm gay and I definitely deserve to take it up the butt! Do you think I would make a horrible roommate too, then?" Associating a real person with the concept of being gay is critical to fostering acceptance of gay people by straight people.

 

[SFMusic]

...I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.

He obviously has a distorted view of what a gay person is, and you need to shatter his idea of who is gay and who is not. If he rejects you because you tell him the truth, have you really lost very much?

 

[chance1]

Hey everyone, thanks a TON for the responses. It really helps. I was going to do it this weekend on our drive to visit home b/c the subject of how one of our friends came out of the closet and I was all ready when he said "I'm glad he's a fag, he deserves to take it up the butt." Later he added how it would suck to have a gay roomate. It really made me feel like shit b/c he said he doesn't mind gay people but now I think that me may not mind them, just as long as they aren't around him.

Now I'm torn between having my friend have negative feelings towards me, or just to keep hiding myself and being ashamed. I can't think straight and decide if my happiness and freedom to be who I was born to be is worth it by telling all my friends I'm gay and have them be like "what the hell?" I know things would change. They wouldn't horse around w/ me as much and probably make fun of me for wanting to "take it up the butt" as they always put it.

I've told one of my girl friends I was gay who is at another college now, and I had her tell a few of our town friends who go there too as test subjects and they reacted positively towards it which made me happy and all set to go until the car ride. They were kind of surprised too. They figured I was either gay or just had no interest in girls yet because they said the only thing that hinted I was gay was that I've never dated/kissed a girl, and have had pretty girls throw practically throw themselves at me and I just stepped aside.

I am not sure anymore if I feel ready to come out. I want to come out and be myself, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the reactoins. I'm sick of hiding yet I'm scared of change. I've been thinking about this non stop for the past few days and my mind is exhausted...what should I do?

Not the way you wanted for sure. Just last weekend a good friend I was travelling with, one who I want to tell I'm gay - made similar anti-gay slurs. At first I was really taken aback and upset but then after reflection, I realized that lots of people (str8s) make those comments. Doesn't make it right, but they are kinda conditioned. That it's because they really don't know any gay people or are scared to know them, etc. Not sayiing it isn't a bad thing - but it isn't insurmountable. After reflection on my end, I will still tell my friend (not just yet) and hopefully he will understand, if not right away, eventually. And if not, well, wish he did but perhaps he's not all that.

You need to feel comfortable about this. If it is not today, tomorrow, etc. - that's ok. I think you'll get there. Don't let this one moment shake your confidence too much. I have learned that single instances can be overblown, either good or bad.

Good news about telling your girlfriend - that was a good one, and the response you got is probably gonna be more the norm. Good stuff

Hang in (trite I know) - it really works

 

[Soilwork]

I have to agree that telling him will make him examine his attitudes... when people know gay people they usually change their minds about what they think.

But it's up to you.

Personally, I'd tell him.

 

[riden3]

Thanks again for your responses. They are really helping me get through this. I think I am going to go ahead and tell him I guess.

If he rejects you because you tell him the truth, have you really lost very much?

Good point I guess, I'd lose a dear friend but I guess he isn't a friend worth having if he cannot accept me.

I'm going to try to do it in the next 48 hours so I'll try to get you guys updated on how it goes. Wish me luck

 

[Riverrick]

Good Luck Riden. I think its the right thing to do also. He may be embarrassed that he said that stuff. I'm guessing that he will be. At any rate the conflict in your head will only grow if you don't say something, now that its an issue.

What are the odds of that scenario, by the way?? You're just ready to come out to him and he says that? Sometimes life sucks, huh?

We'll be waiting here for you whenever you get back.

 

[starlight70]

I have this gay friend who is trying to come out to his parents, but he just refuse to have a sit-down chat with them. He tried others, but never this one.

He tried to get his mom to watch Angels in America with him, but his mom did not watch 2nd episode onwards, which means no further discussion.

He left posters of gay games around but his mom said nothing.

And then, he left a book - How To Come Out To Your Parents lying around in his room, where his mom does cleaning, and still nothing.

 

[Roland00]

sounds like willful denial on your friend's parents part starlight.

 

[Eagle653]

I love this thread because it's full of solid advice and information, and is diverse in its perspective.

I think it's also generalizable to many coming out situations. Thus, I am going to "sticky" it in this thread as a resource for others in this common situation.

Great job, everyone. Continue to add to it with more advice and persectives.