i have a problem with my college roommates, what should i do?

[KaraBulut]

There are plenty of opportunities for learning and growing while in university.

However, living with 3 guys who you don't know, who are homophobic, on a campus in a city/state where you don't have any friends is not healthy nor is it an "opportunity".

It's not the responsibility of OP to educate his roommates.

He's paying his university for housing. He is entitled to a peaceful, safe living arrangement. He doesn't have that.

Many campuses have a program called Allies where gay and lesbian faculty and staff make themselves available to GLBT students to lend an ear and offer help. Over the years, I've heard too many stories about GLBT students who had obnoxious or homophobic roommates. And too many stories about gay guys who couch surfed because they didn't want to go back to their dorm room. Many universities are trying to do a better job of matching roommates either by letting them chose their roommate or by trying to pair up roommates with common interests.

It's disconcerting that his university doesn't have a policy that addresses situations like this.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

I assume you never met your roomates before.
When you meet new people, you are not obliged to tell them everything about yourself. That comes with time and developing friendships and bonds.
You have to be a friend to someone in order to have someone be a friend to you.
They are probably "testing the waters of life" too and will benefit and grow from their college experiences and acquaintances.
In the meantime, tell them you are not a party guy and don't enjoy drinking or smoking, that you also find "hateful" remarks about gays, other races etc. very offensive and since you live together you would gratefully appreciate a little mutual consideration from them.
In time, as you all get to know each other better, you will instinctively know when to open up about your sexuality.
There are two kinds of fights. The first is confrontation and punching them when you're offended. The other is recognizing their ignorance and showing how wrong they are by example.

 

[pattepat]

It's not the responsibility of OP to educate his roommates.

I might be obliged to disagree. Just as there are "many opportunities for learning and growing" at college, there are many opportunities to teach and educate. A liberal education requires discourse, not just from faculty to students, but among faculty, staff, students, and the community.

Now, does anyone necessarily have a responsibility to educate anyone else specifically at college? No. But, just as going to college carries with it certain responsibilities on the part of the institution, it carries with it certain responsibilities on the part of the student. (There is a rising idea these days, especially among for-profit educational institutions, that a student paying tuition is automatically a "customer" and therefore should control his or her own educational destiny. However, this lies in the face of allowing collegiate institutions to fulfill their educational and academic missions.)

He's paying his university for housing. He is entitled to a peaceful, safe living arrangement. He doesn't have that.

There is a difference between unsafe and uncomfortable. This is an important distinction that almost all colleges make in discussing room moves. At my institution, for example, we allow for emergency room moves any time of the day or night; however, we make sure to differentiate between situations where a student is truly unsafe and is just uncomfortable. Also, the original poster hasn't seemed to indicate that things are necessarily unpeaceful; there haven't been any large disturbances, nor has he indicated that they have even necessarily made a scene of what they do any more than college students might normally.

It is not the responsibility of the college to make all situations comfortable for students. As a matter of fact, many educational institutions will try very hard to push the comfort zone of students. It is within this area that students can often do the most learning.

Many campuses have a program called Allies where gay and lesbian faculty and staff make themselves available to GLBT students to lend an ear and offer help. Over the years, I've heard too many stories about GLBT students who had obnoxious or homophobic roommates. And too many stories about gay guys who couch surfed because they didn't want to go back to their dorm room. Many universities are trying to do a better job of matching roommates either by letting them chose their roommate or by trying to pair up roommates with common interests.

You are absolutely correct on this. And I would be surprised if the original poster wasn't offered the opportunity to list a roommate of choice or didn't answer a few questions (i.e. about study habits, smoking habits, etc...) which the college considered when putting together roommates.

It's disconcerting that his university doesn't have a policy that addresses situations like this.

Just because the original poster hasn't indicated a policy doesn't mean that a policy doesn't exist. Almost any college's policy on roommate disputes (unless, as I said earlier, there is truly an unsafe environment) is for the roommates to attempt to resolve the disputes amongst themselves first; then to allow for a mediation by the Resident Assistant; then to have a formal discussion with the Hall Coordinator/Director about the potentiality of a room move.

Again, I don't wish to demean the situation in any way. Having been to college myself and having come out to my friends, classmates, and college roommate my Freshmen year, I compeltely understand how scary it can be. I also think that this idea that the original poster should automatically remove himself from the situation is a hasty one which negates the educational opportunities that exist for him and others at the college he is attending.

 

[bankside]

Again, I don't get where the RA is coming from. What is the point of "mediation?" Are they going to negotiate how gay you can be? Or a cap on how many times they get to make homophobic insults? This is not a negotiable situation for them. This is a haul-their-asses-onto-the-carpet situation. A "first and final warning" situation.

At the university I'm familiar with, uncomfortable would have been dealt with by taking the first reasonable opportunity for a room move. Unsafe would have been dealt with by any measures up to and including expulsion.

People who constitute a danger to others are not suitable for a place at university.

 

[TX-Beau]

My roommates are respectful to me and they talk to me, but I'm in a totally new environment, because I lived with all sisters and I never been with all guys before. I still feel uncomfortable and a little unsafe being there so I've been driving around occupying my time. But I did talk to my RA and she is going to talk to my roommates with the area coordinator today to resolve it, and if it doesn't work they're going to talk to me with my roommates to have mediation. I'm hoping it works out, that way I can spend more time on campus.

Does anyone have advice for making friends because I can't join clubs until Monday and that's when classes start. I'm saying this because I signed up for a school trip to busch gardens tomorrow but everyone seems to already know each other and I don't want to go alone because I don't know anyone going. I just really want to make friends because I've never had any best friends just some friends. I just want some advice, and thanks for all the support.

Well, I don’t know how to go about telling you how to make friends – I suppose that it’ll help if you’re comfortable initiating conversation with people then being a genial kind of person. Which I grant you, isn’t very helpful. I guess if it was me, I’d find some people who looked interesting and then introduce myself. You’re probably not going to find a best buddy right off the bat anyway.

As to the roommate situation, that’s more difficult. While I agree that a lot of straight guys will go the anti-gay route as a means of common bonding – without any real venom, there do exist enough of the other kind, especially in a dorm situation, that you need to be really careful.

Mind, none of what’s below is intended to criticize your feelings or actions. I agree you have a perfect right to have a safe, secure living arrangement.

In my life, I’ve found that full disclosure up front is way better than living with the guy/guys for a long time before they find out. If some homophobic ass starts wondering if you’ve been staring at his cock all along and he didn’t know it – that’ll be perceived as you being a sneaky faggot.

I’ve also noticed that if you give the straight guys an out immediately, as in, make sure he knows up front with as little ceremony as possible - you present the opportunity for him to treat the subject with as little drama as possible.

Unfortunately, and isn’t this always the problem with things like mediation – if the guys feel accused (rightly or wrongly,) you solidify their antagonism. I suppose that I wouldn’t have gone the formal process route. Usually when presented with strange straight guys, I generally make some kind of joking gay reference as soon as the inevitable woman talk occurs. The humor defuses any immediate tension, and the good old boy act usually helps comfort those poor, delicate, straight sensitivities.

Plus once it’s out of the bag, you generally kill any homophobic issues, at least in your immediate vicinity, and then, if your roommate/ roommates can’t live with you, they can go find the RA.

But remember, there do exist dangerous homophobes, if at any time you feel physically threatened, trust your gut and get out.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Go join clubs on Monday, find another student or two (or TEN) that are gay. One of the people you meet will most likely be in a very similar situation - smoking, drinking, skirt-chasing roomy. Then you just coordinate a room switch and let those guys party all semester - much easier and in your situation, the housing people will probably let you do it quickly.

Just go meet a bunch of people in the campus clubs. I am an advocate of online, hell, I would post something on Craigslist for other gay students at your school. See if you can fix your own situation.

Good luck - sorry it's been a miserable few days. But I bet you fix this.

 

[terps420]

As a fellow guy who also currently attends college on the Eastern seaboard of the United States, I think more than anything than anyone else has already said to you through the various responses in this thread, you should try to have a little faith in people. College is about new experiences, right? You should try to expand both your own and your roommates horizons.

I only have one gay friend, and only one other bisexual acquaintance (other than ex's and such who I don't consider friends). All my other friends are straight and many of them I dreaded coming out to because I knew their stance on homo/bisexuality and assumed that it would totally sever our friendships. It ended up being the complete opposite, every one of them accepted me because they already knew and liked me for who I was.

Who or what your genitalia responds to is such a ridiculously insignificant part of who you are as a whole. It's sad to say and even sadder to comprehend but you should be honest, open and proud about who you are, because even though it is something incredibly private that shouldn't even have to be said, it has to in our day and age because of the political reasons, because it is the only way others around us will change their perceptions of us.

"Be the change you would like to see in the world."
- Gandhi.

 

[cardshark]

I completely disagree with everyone who says you should come out to your roommates. I agree in theory with the people posting you should stand up for yourself and come out to them and see how they react. However, this isn't a situation at work, or dealing with a new friend or relative. These are your roommates who you will have to live with it. So if it goes bad, if they do not accept you (or even just one of the 3 does not accept you), which I believe there is a high chance given all three of them have already expressed homophobic tendencies, they will make your life a living hell. They may even go so far as to hurt you physically. It's not worth the risk. My advice is to not come out to them, keep going the route of getting the university to change your housing arrangement. By kind, but firm with the university. Keep going higher and higher up until you get the right response. If they keep resisting (which would be ridiculous of them), threaten them with legal action - do whatever it takes. Do this now before your coursework becomes heavier.

 

[cardshark]

I almost forgot - as for meeting new people, yes, you should join as many clubs as you can. Joining a gay alliance is a great way to meet people as well. You are on the right track.

Just go easy on yourself! You have been there less than a week, give yourself some time and you will meet lots of friends through the clubs, your classes, on campus, and hopefully when you switch dorms, through your new roommates!

 

[StlKj]

Good points for gay people to always be mindful of when selecting schools. How gay friendly is it?

Very mindful, as in a conscious decision. Too many closeted gay kids pick a school knowing on some subconscious level it will force them to stay closeted. They're drawn not to freedom, but to further imprisonment, this time imposed by their own doing.

 

[MystikWizard]

I understand lifes tough, and I know the problem might go away if they find out im gay. But its kinda hard to just come out to them when Im not even out of the closet. I mean I never came out to anyone besides my RA and I rather come out to open minded people first before I open up to my roommates who are homophobes. But I think my RA is going to talk to my roommate, and then hopefully everything will be better. I hope my roommates wont care that im gay because there cool with me that i dont drink or smoke.

I'm just going to throw my two cents in, but I think if you don't talk to your roommates first and simply go to the RA or the RA's supervisor to take action and talk to the guys, they are only going to resent you even more .... as opposed to IF you would have kept the situation in house.

I know it's a nerve-wracking situation you are involved in and I feel your pain. I think the best option would be to try and get your dorm switched, however if that isn't possible, and the only thing they are willing to do is to "talk with them" .... I am telling you right now that they are going to be more livid with you, as opposed to if you were simply up front and told them about it.

You have a great opportunity to try and teach some guys about homosexuality and what it really is. And I would just have a calm, heart to heart conversation about it, and make them understand that you didn't want this and you didn't chose this ..... and how it is just frustrating for you because all you want to do is live your life just like everyone else.

Despite what they are physically saying, I do agree that a technique that guys like this do is put down other people who are gay, as a way to try and enforce their own masculinity. And it's sad. Although you having a conversation with them yourself and keeping it in-house with just them has a far better chance of going well as opposed to getting RA's and Supervisors involved to talk with them first.

You have a real opportunity to gain their respect by being brave and asking them all if they would simply sit down and talk ... and be honest with them. If I were you, I would go back to the RA and Area Coordinator and tell them that you changed your mind, and would like to try and handle the situation in-house first. Do your thing and talk with them. Get some sodas, chips, beer, etc. And just talk to them ... educate them. Talk to them about how awkward you feel and "how bad you feel about turning invites down from them to go out, and emphasize that you didn't want to come off as a prude, but this is why I've had to decline invites".

If it doesn't work out and the reaction is negative, then you can safely say that you did your part and all that you could possibly do ..... so now you are demanding to be moved if they don't react positively.

Remember, people have a tendency to fear things that they can't "identify with". Once you show them that you are just like them in every way, but the Orientation department, and have a very open and honest conversation with them about orientation ... I think you stand a much better opportunity of gaining their buy-in and respect.

 

[MystikWizard]

I don't think I have the guts to tell them myself because I feel pressured and I'm a little scared they will treat me like shit. At least if my ra talks to them it will prob be better because they will realize how uncomfortable I've been feeling and why I'm never there. Anyways I don't think I really want to talk to them about me being gay because I'm different than all of them. They go to clubs all night and get drunk and high, and I don't find that fun. And its 3 in the morning and I told them I have to wake up at 9 but they invited people over for pizza and they're having a small party, which I'm now starting to completley hate living in my dorm.

Well, where as you have a chance to do the right thing in-house and give them a chance to respect you, now you are unfortunately going to make it tens time worst by getting an Authority Figure involved. Because then, the impression to them is going to be you going behind their back and "getting them in trouble". How you think it is going to be better after a move like this is beyond me.

I can not emphasize this enough, but honestly your best option is telling them in a very calm and professional matter and basically pouring your heart out to them. That way, they will get a much better understanding about why you are the way you are, and aren't intentionally trying to turn your nose up at them when they invite you out and such.

That is far more likely to go better by sitting all of them down and being realistic about who you are instead of getting an Authority Figure involved first.

I'm telling you, they are going to be angry at you for getting an Authority Figure involved without talking to them first.

Look at it this way. Either way, they are going to find out about your sexuality. Whether it be you doing it on your own, or whether it be an Authority figure (RA) sitting all of you down together and talking to you. Either way, it is going to happen, so there is no avoiding it.

Your best opportunity is to create the mood, and simply ask each of them for about 30 minutes or so, get some sodas, chips, beer ... and just be honest and upfront about who you are. If they react negatively to it and pick on you, then you will have every right to go to the RA, because at least you can say that you "Gave them a chance".

Instead, by doing this move, you are only going to make it even more awkward for everyone involved, because they will perceive you as "getting them in trouble" without even giving them a chance first. And after this happens, I can guarantee it is going to be like "walking on egg shells" around all 3 of your roommates, and tensions are likely to be even higher.

I'm telling you now, that you are going to regret this if you go through with the RA talking to them without giving them a chance first, on your own. Again, you have to keep in mind, they are going to find out either way, so there is no avoiding that part. Therefore, if they are going to find out and there is no avoiding that part, you mine as well give them a chance first. You have a much better chance at earning their respect that way.

The best option isn't always the easiest option for you. But it is likely to produce more positive results for all parties as opposed to taking the "easy" route for you. The best route is far more likely to produce better long-term results.

 

[MystikWizard]

What I would like Aekid89 to do is to simply talk out through a post on here (if he would), both scenarios as far as what he perceives the outcomes to be of each one.

A) What is the perceived outcome of talking to all 3 in an open and honest conversation in-house? What are the anticipated initial reactions? What is perceived to happen after the talk and going forward?

B) What is the perceived outcome of having the RA or Supervisor sit everyone down and having the conversation? What will the reactions be and how will the 3 react to being put on the spot? What is perceived to be the relationship with the other 3 roommates going forward after this formal talk with the Authority Figure?

 

[cardshark]

I've been thinking about this and I understand why you guys think the situation wil be worst if my RA talks to my roommates. I know you guys are just trying to help me, which I appreciate. I know my roommates will probably be mad at me if an ra has to talk to them.

I'm going to my RA tomorrow and I'm going to tell her its better if she doesn't tell them. And I'm not going to tell them I'm gay because I'm not ready to come out yet especially to them. I mean everyone has to take there time to come out and I don't need to be friends with them just friendly and I'm only going to be in my room to sleep. I'm going to join the gay straight alliance. And come out their first that way I feel more comfortable. Because right now I'm way to overwhelmed and becoming depressed.

I think this is the right decision for now. But also keep pressuring them to change dorms.

 

[TX-Beau]

...I know I'm not standing up for myself but I really don't want to have a conversation with frat guys that I'm gay.

OK brass tacks:

No one will stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself.

There it is.

Why do you think that telling anyone else you’re gay is going to be easier? It's not the Frat guys, it's the conversation you don't want to have. Trust me on this, the first time is the hardest, it rapidly gets easier once you’re over that hurdle. So just do it already. Seize your courage and do right by yourself.

As a former "Frat Guy," I promise you that the juvenile behavior and stupidity is just them working through their own insecurities at being in a strange place with strange people; by bonding the only way they know how – and yes, for kids that age that can include the homophobia. I also promise you that most likely, they aren’t hater ‘phobes with baseball bats. And yes, there are plenty of them who are in your exact situation – being gay that is, and terrified of telling anyone.

If you don’t like them as guys that's one thing, but you have to separate that out from your issue with not being able to tell people you’re gay. Why do you care if they don’t like it, you’ll have a much better chance of moving if they react badly.

You don’t have to like them, but you don’t have to make enemies of them either, and that’s what you’re going to do if you get all official and institutional.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm going to my RA tomorrow and I'm going to tell her its better if she doesn't tell them. And I'm not going to tell them I'm gay because I'm not ready to come out yet especially to them. I mean everyone has to take there time to come out and I don't need to be friends with them just friendly and I'm only going to be in my room to sleep. I'm going to join the gay straight alliance. And come out their first that way I feel more comfortable. Because right now I'm way to overwhelmed and becoming depressed.

If you want to just suck it up and live with the 'phobic remarks - well that's certainly a choice you can make.

But you're not going to get a better chance than now to minimize any damage that some 'phobic ass might cause. Hell, if you're a stand up guy those "Frat Guys," just might take your side.

Just Do It.

I know this is kinda pushy, but you sound like you're at the jumping off point and you'll be much happier if you stop dithering and come out already.

 

[CudDULL]

Dont be depressed and don't live your life in fear or worry too much. There are things that we go through that are tough but there is always gonna be an aftermath to it and things will get better.

 

[TX-Beau]

One more thing, the first people I told were acquaintances I didn't really have an emotional stake in, specifically because I was trying to minimize collateral damage.

It's a hell of a lot harder to come out to people when you stand to lose relationships you care about.

If everyone knows you're gay from the get go, you never have to face that, and you'll end up with better friends, who'll never wonder why you lied to them.

 

[spartaneric]

Like almost everyone else has said, your chances of success are greater if you just tell them yourself. Don't go behind their backs and have an authority figure get involved at this point. I think the best way to go about it is just to tell them you're uncomfortable because of their comments and their behaviors. You don't want to come off as you're attacking them but don't apologize for being gay; basically just say, "Hey I'm gay and if you guys can't deal with that, that's your problem. I'm not here to attack you but I'm not comfortable being in a situation where I'm not welcome, so if it's going to be an issue then I'm going to move out."

Still, as you've said, you have to come out on your own time. If you're not comfortable telling them, then don't. You can always go the route of their partying being a problem and that's why you want to move. You've got options. Don't let this get you down.

A lot of other people have pointed out that they may just be making themselves up to be macho; I thought my brother was going to have a problem with me being gay because he would use words like "fag" and say things are gay but I told him and he was really supportive.

And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they already suspect you're gay.

We tend to think coming out will be a lot more difficult than it really is.

Good luck

 

[StlKj]

I didn't chose to pick a school to stay closeted, I picked a school to make friends and slowly come out. and I'm scared to death about coming out when I'm surronded by frat guys. My family is catholic and I've always been around people who believe being gay is wrong and a sin, so its hard for me to come out to people especially guys who I'm starting not to like. I want to be happy with myself and I want to feel at home at my dorm, which I don't. Maybe I just have to learn from this but I really feel unsafe at my dorm, and I hope the talk with the ra works. I know I'm not standing up for myself but I really don't want to have a conversation with frat guys that I'm gay.

Oh, little brother, I didn't mean you, necessarily. It's just we see on here time and again that people do pick schools where the environment might be hostile towards them coming out, and they either haven't checked this ahead of time, or they knew going in and went anyway. It's a subconscious way of being forced to stay in the closet, so they don't have freedom even at a time when that's exactly what they should have.

And ultimately, you have to make the decision to handle this in the way you think best AT THIS TIME. None of us knows for sure how this will all play out; we can only give you scenarios as to how it MIGHT play out. You have to do it in a way that feels safest for you right now.

And then be ready and capable of handling it when it does play out.