i have a problem with my college roommates, what should i do?

[spartaneric]

Understood. Don't come out to them if you're not ready. Instead, you should try to focus on the behaviors that bother you, other than the homophobic comments. At the very least, you should talk to them about the partying and those annoying things. Tell them you're not in to that kind of stuff and you'd appreciate some down time; perhaps working out some sort of quiet hours might be a good place to start. You mentioned earlier that they invite you to go out with them; if so that's a good sign that they're trying to include you. It's also safe to assume that their asking where you've been is a good sign as well; it doesn't sound like they're trying to alienate you or make you feel left out. (This could be an even better sign, should you choose to stay in this room and eventually come out to them). However, I don't know enough about your situation to really know if this is the case or not.

My best advice is to focus on the annoyances right now; don't attack them about it but let them know you don't like the partying in your room and stuff like that. I still don't think having a mediator there is a good decision for right now; it's too early to get someone else involved. You've just got to suck it up and tell them you'd like to work out some arrangement where they're not partying in your room or keeping you up late at night.

Lastly, you're not stuck in the situation; there's always a way out of it, it just might be more difficult. If you can't work it out with your roommates then talk to your RA again and if need be, talk to the Hall Director, and if that doesn't work contact someone higher up. I doubt that the university will force you to stay in a situation you're not comfortable in, even if there are 300 kids waiting to be placed in dorms.

OK. Take a deep breath; it will work out.

Best of luck

 

[hotatlboi]

honestly dude, I don't mean to insult you but I think you should loosen up a little and join in the party.

college is a great time to grow socially and I was like you when I first went (never partied etc) but once I did I had a blast.

you'll also probably get to know your roommates better and it will be easier to come out to them then.

 

[StlKj]

aekid89, please don't make yourself sick over this. I urge you to seek out those GLBT support services ASAP, or even go to your school's counseling center if it has one and start talking to someone who can help you navigate this.

It's starting to sound like you're far less motivated by the potential hate in their hearts, and more by the fear in yours.

You'll get through this. Every baby bird probably experiences some fear when it stretches its wings for the first time and is ready to fly.

So fly, little one.

 

[DiamondSkin]

I didn't chose to pick a school to stay closeted, I picked a school to make friends and slowly come out. and I'm scared to death about coming out when I'm surronded by frat guys. My family is catholic and I've always been around people who believe being gay is wrong and a sin, so its hard for me to come out to people especially guys who I'm starting not to like. I want to be happy with myself and I want to feel at home at my dorm, which I don't. Maybe I just have to learn from this but I really feel unsafe at my dorm, and I hope the talk with the ra works. I know I'm not standing up for myself but I really don't want to have a conversation with frat guys that I'm gay.

I'm gonna be blunt. For god's sakes, grow some balls and talk to your roommates.

You're uncomfortable with them but they're not uncomfortable with you.

You have to grow up and negotiate with your roommates what is and what is not acceptable in the room including perceived homophobic comments.

Going to the RA and scheduling a mediation before you even express your concerns to your roommates isn't the behavior of an adult. It's a behavior of child.

What about next year or the next semester? How about the next roommate(s) you get? If you feel uncomfortable around them, you're gonna go crying to the RA all the time and switch rooms?

No, you have to talk to them. You have to negotiate with them. You have make a peace.

But you never attempted any of that and instead dragged in a drama that was unnecessary at this point since you never talked to them in the first place.

You're an adult now and you're in college. This isn't elementary school where the principal can fix everything for you if you don't feel comfortable in class.

You have to stand up for yourself and you have to learn how to address these concerns.

Because when you get of college, you're not gonna survive if you keep up this behavior.

No boss likes an employee who goes crying to him/her if he feels 'uncomfortable' with his co-workers....

Oh and you don't sound like a roommate I would have wanted in college either. You've clearly have not made any attempts to get to know them. You're judging them because you apparently have nothing in common with them. And you went behind their backs and dragged the R.A. into a supposed conflict of interests that could be settled with a simple conversation. And it's not even half-way into the semester

At the rate you're going, you're probably gonna be one of those perpetual 'singles' peoples who can't get along with anyone so they always get singles. And they end up being friendless too btw.

 

[TX-Beau]

I know I have to grow up, and I guess I am judging my roommates, but I just dont want to be involved with people who only talk about doing every kind of drug. I dont feel like I should tell them Im gay, because they made even more comments about gay people. They were talking about how they saw a bunch of faggots walking near the campus, and they were laughing saying how wrong it is. So now im definitely not telling them, because Im going to try and move out of my dorm. And i told my RA not to get involved into the situation, because I dont want any drama.

Anyways I think im going to go into counseling because I feel so out of place and lonely on campus, and I just need some guidance. Thanks for the support anyways, I know its up to me to feel better.

OK, after this post. I’m reversing what I said before, hide, then hide some more, run away if you can.

Because that’s what you’re doing, running away from the problem, what makes you think that your next set of roommates are going to be any different? Even if they don’t party like these guys that’s no guarantee that they’re going to be accepting and open minded. Religious teetotalers have a far higher probability of having serious issues with the gay.

You're going to be lonely as long as you don't give people a chance to befriend you.

You can run from this problem, then run from the next, and the next, and the next. You’ll find yourself in this situation over and over until you grab some sack and stand up for yourself.

That’s just life.

 

[StlKj]

Telling a confused, fearful young man who has yet to even come to terms with being gay himself that he is acting like a ball-less, crying child is just as bullying as his homophobic roommates. Giving him something to think about is good; shoving him into something he's uncomfortable with is not. He's gotten advice--now maybe we should back off and just support him accepting himself before trying to make him a poster child for coming out.

Each in his own time.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

I think you guys are kind of hard asses to this guy. He's young and in a situation where telling everyone makes him a target 24/7. If he could tell them and not LIVE with them, it might be one thing.

AE - you need to focus on finding some new friends and re-arranging your own living. This RA will let you switch if you can find someone to move into your spot and just do a TRADE. Focus on that and just spend as little time with these guys. Perhaps you will run into them someday and have a big laugh because you were uncomfortable, but I can totally see where you are coming from. I wouldn't tell the "bubbas" until you are gone!

Focus on getting a trade out. There is some guy living with a gay guy who wants to move too! Just have to find him!

 

[hotatlboi]

I think you guys are kind of hard asses to this guy. He's young and in a situation where telling everyone makes him a target 24/7. If he could tell them and not LIVE with them, it might be one thing.

No one is saying he HAS to come out to them. And while it may sound harsh, I really think he needs some tough love here.

My college roommate situation was very similar to this. My other roommates were all homophobic and all made gay jokes etc. But I didn't let it get to me and I still made an attempt to be friends with them. What else was I going to do besides come out? Switch rooms and get more random people and hope it turned out better? What's the point?

There was another guy in our room who kind of did the same thing AE is doing. He never made an effort to be friends with us and barely acknowledged anything we did. He hated it every time we had a party or event in the room because he never associated with us. I don't think it was because he was gay, he was just not very outgoing socially. In the 2 years I lived with him, I could tell at times that he was very withdrawn and lonely.

That's no way to live your life. You are going to encounter all kinds of people in your life that you may not agree with on everything. You won't always have the luxury of just writing them off and not having anything to do with them ever again. I think AE should at least try to get to know his roommates and see if he can make his situation work regardless of whether he chooses to come out or not. I did and even though I never came out to my roommates, I had some good times with those guys even though we certainly disagreed on being gay and politics and plenty of other things.

This is of course the hard way, as everyone has said. It would be easier to come out and they would probably respect him and stop any gay bashing, but coming out is hard. I didn't have the cahones to do it in college because my family was a bunch of religious bigots. Maybe AE doesn't either and that's fine. But that doesn't mean that he should go into hiding and avoid all human contact.

 

[spartaneric]

Oh and you don't sound like a roommate I would have wanted in college either. You've clearly have not made any attempts to get to know them. You're judging them because you apparently have nothing in common with them. And you went behind their backs and dragged the R.A. into a supposed conflict of interests that could be settled with a simple conversation. And it's not even half-way into the semester

At the rate you're going, you're probably gonna be one of those perpetual 'singles' peoples who can't get along with anyone so they always get singles. And they end up being friendless too btw.

He wasn't asking if you'd like to be his roommate. Don't attack this guy when he's clearly in a very difficult position. These last comments were so unnecessary and completely uncalled for. Telling him he's going to be friendless the rest of his life is not going to help him out at all.

aekid you DON'T have to come out to anyone if you're not ready to. However, as everyone has been telling you, you really should at least try to talk to them.

Definitely get in touch with your school's LGBT support groups, I'm confident it will help you.

 

[spencer]

Listen to the guy from Atlanta. Say you weren't gay and you still had these roommates. You still probably wouldn't agree with what they had to offer (so you think) Maybe if you did get to know them you'd realize what kind of people they really are. You're never going to run into people that believe what you believe. Heck you won't run into gay people who believe what you believe, do drugs and throw the word faggot around. And what happens if you get worse roommates.

College is about meeting all kinds of people. They have to deal with different people and they will learn that not everything is like high school. And you will learn this as well. It's a big melting pot of people that have never been in one before. As a minority, I ran into people who weren't used to being around minorities and eventually they learned we were like everyone else. I saw my straight friends deal with gay guys in different ways and encouraged them to be more open minded in that aspect as well (I was closeted).

People are there to learn. IMO, it's pointless to go and be closed minded and only think people are one way. Be yourself, stand up for the under dog or gays or whoever. Be the devils advocate when you hear something you don't like. You don't have to come out to them, but you can definately question them and plant the bug in their ear if you hear something you don't like.

Hey, my cousin is gay and he's cool. What did gay guys ever do to you anyway? Are you afraid it might rub off? How insecure are you anyway. Or just plain, that's uncool would suffice.

It's a long scary path and I was the biggest scared Freshmen. I found friends that I liked, tolerated my roommates and became a better person because of it.

It's way easier to be friends with them than to not. And if it doesn't work, it's not cause you didn't try.

 

[rareboy]

I'm gonna be blunt. For god's sakes, grow some balls and talk to your roommates.

You're uncomfortable with them but they're not uncomfortable with you.

You have to grow up and negotiate with your roommates what is and what is not acceptable in the room including perceived homophobic comments.

Going to the RA and scheduling a mediation before you even express your concerns to your roommates isn't the behavior of an adult. It's a behavior of child.

What about next year or the next semester? How about the next roommate(s) you get? If you feel uncomfortable around them, you're gonna go crying to the RA all the time and switch rooms?

No, you have to talk to them. You have to negotiate with them. You have make a peace.

But you never attempted any of that and instead dragged in a drama that was unnecessary at this point since you never talked to them in the first place.

You're an adult now and you're in college. This isn't elementary school where the principal can fix everything for you if you don't feel comfortable in class.

You have to stand up for yourself and you have to learn how to address these concerns.

Because when you get of college, you're not gonna survive if you keep up this behavior.

No boss likes an employee who goes crying to him/her if he feels 'uncomfortable' with his co-workers....

Oh and you don't sound like a roommate I would have wanted in college either. You've clearly have not made any attempts to get to know them. You're judging them because you apparently have nothing in common with them. And you went behind their backs and dragged the R.A. into a supposed conflict of interests that could be settled with a simple conversation. And it's not even half-way into the semester

At the rate you're going, you're probably gonna be one of those perpetual 'singles' peoples who can't get along with anyone so they always get singles. And they end up being friendless too btw.

Pay attention.

It has been a long time since I have read so much whining. I started out by feeling sympathy but by your fourth post it had all evaporated.

Stop crying before you even get hurt.

Toughen the fuck up.

If you have to have someone else referee for every problem in your life, you are certainly going to become one of the most disliked people in the room.

To be blunt, I think you were playing your RA's.

If there is this much drama in your life this early in the term, then you are not going to have a successful term.

You are an adult now. You have to tell your room-mates that you are gay if it is that big a deal. Tell them that you are looking for an alternative living arrangement because of their expressed homophobia and apparent discomfort with homos. But that you will respect their rights while you are all living together and that you expect them to respect yours until you can move out. Make it clear that they are not the least sexually attractive to you and that your primary purpose in coming to college isn't fucking, it is learning.

And then make your own plans for finding alternative accommodation.

Now, man up.

And I'm glad that you're considering counselling. Hopefully they can help you become more assertive and positive about yourself.

 

[KaraBulut]

Anyways I think im going to go into counseling because I feel so out of place and lonely on campus, and I just need some guidance.

That's probably a good thing.

There's a few things going on here- you're in a new place, in a new state, on a new campus and you don't have friends. And to top it all off, at a time when it would be nice to go back to your home, kick off your shoes and just be yourself, you can't because you've got not one, but three roommates with whom you can't be yourself.

And about now you're probably thinking, "Why the fuck did I move to this gawdawful place for school?".

The solution to all of this is to meet some more open-minded friends that you can hang out with and be yourself... and talk to.

While I agree with those posters who say that it's important to meet different people and learn to get along with them, it's a different situation when you're living with them. And it's very different when there are 3 of them and within the first couple of days, they're talking about fags and how disgusted they are about them.

Hopefully, your living situation will be changed soon and hopefully you can meet some like-minded people and begin enjoying your college years.

 

[tallguy297]

OK. Whoa up here people.

Enough with the "in your face over the top" tough love.

I get tough love... and I understand that sometimes its whats needed. But there are some posts in this thread that cross that line with statements that are not only confronting they are down right intimidating.

I suggest that some of you take a deep breath and re-consider the posting styles you exhibit here, and perhaps begin to choose your words a little less bluntly. Your points can be made just as well with out verging on the same stand over confrontational language thats scared this OP in the first place.

Not everyone responds to or needs tough love. And if those are the only style of posts you can make, regardless of the nature of the thread or the OP's obvious state of mind, then I would suggest you try a little self restraint before hitting the keyboard.

 

[rareboy]

As has been noted before, posters can choose to accept or reject the advice given. Before I hit send, I always carefully consider what I post.

More than enough people offering advice on a forum will enable every poster with a problem to feel and behave like a perpetual victim and encourage always running to someone else to fix their problems.

The very best advice I ever received was to be told that I was strong enough and get out there and not let anyone for whatever reason, intimidate me or invalidate who I was. To stop hanging onto mummy's apron strings. From an early age, we were taught to first attempt to solve problems with others on our own and only when that didn't work, to seek the support of authority.

Over the years, I learned that humour was the best tool there was when dealing with the inexperienced, unworldly or just plain ignorant. That totally disparate personalities could co-exist if you made it clear you shared some things in common. That some people are just asshats and you ignore them. That I could move around any obstacle set in my way. Any obstacle. That I wouldn't be afraid and instead would be confident and proud of the person I was.

So, as someone who went from being a pussy to a successful and very happy guy, I want to tell all of the closeted, fearful guys out there that you are much more powerful and persuasive than you or the homophobes or victimizers give you credit for.

You are. Really.

And if you don't like any advice you see from me, then put me on ignore. It really won't matter. I'm not the one looking for love or validation here. Only the opportunity to help some guys understand that they have different roads to take and that the problems they present sometimes look different depending on the perspective of the posters.

 

[aijalon18]

I dont think everyone is trying to beat up on the poor kid. I think mostly people are shocked he is choosing to go about things in this way. This will create more problrms that dont exist. The roommates seem to not think they are doing anything wrong. And they think everything is fine with all the roommates.

Imagine if you thought you and your roommate were friends and got along and then all of a sudden you're in a meeting with your RA about your making your roommate feel uncomfortable. You'd feel completely blindsided and prolly think your roommate is nuts. The OP could create this reputation as a basketcase that could follow him his entire college career.

Plus he seems to be trying to build this gay bubble and being comfortable only interacting with gay people. But the entire world is not gay and he needs to find rational ways to deal with straight people.

 

[tallguy297]

Thank you for your response RB... My post was not directly aimed at you alone although your post in this instance was very direct.

And I understand completely your intent and the intent of others... no one here has anything other than the best wishes of the OP at heart.

My concern is the language and tone used in a no-flame safe zone forum that literally feels very confronting to some - almost like intimidation. Its not censorship nor an attempt to close down the varied amazing opinions. Simply a request to be aware of the OP's state of mind and their likely hood to take the advice in the way it was intended.

Imagine if you thought you and your roommate were friends and got along and then all of a sudden you're in a meeting with your RA about your making your roommate feel uncomfortable. You'd feel completely blindsided and prolly think your roommate is nuts. The OP could create this reputation as a basketcase that could follow him his entire college career.

Its funny you see it that way aijalon18... conversely mate I was looking at it like this.... Imagine moving to a new city, alone. Imagine leaving the safety of home for the first time to be shoved in a high density living situation like a dorm, alone. Imagine feeling ostracized and stereotyped, alone. Imagine being scared... and alone. Its a 2 way street, and its one of the hardest situations I've seen here for a long time... personally I dont know what the best advice is.

For what its worth AEkid, mine is this.

Break it down into small chunks.

The most important thing is your career. Find a way to make college work for you... if that means moving from your room so be it. If thats what it takes to feel safe and let you focus on the real reason you are there then do it.

Then find a way to feel more comfortable socially. Not necessarily coming out just yet, but you need to find a circle of friends and peers just to help you fit in and enjoy your college years.

Then deal with coming out, first to yourself completely so you lose your fear of it and that you understand that your self worth is incredibly important. RB is right. You have no reason to fear who you are... and that you are as important and unique as any one else.

Then come out to your new friends and family. Its a critical step to your happiness and your own state of mind. Its the step that lets you get on with life.

My fear though AE is that if you try to pull all of this on at once its going to be too much. You are already way out of your comfort zone. So many massive radical changes at once on top of your college work load will be a huge ask.

That doesnt mean you can run away from this part of your life. Its critical that you do deal with this issue, but break it down, plan it out a little and attack it one step at a time.

Good luck mate.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Another great lesson of college is that you learn that there are people you want to be friends with and people you don't. So if you aren't comfortable with these guys, because they are not your type, that's okay. You just have to accept the responsibility to go find other friends - I think you are on the right path with the organizations.

You are stuck with your friends in high school, but college is awesome because the campus is big enough that there is room for ALL kinds - you just have to find your peeps. Now that school has started, you will start interacting with others and I will be excited to read your post when you find people you really like and hopefully a better room situation.

Just take responsibility and find your own roommate - don't let the "system" do it for you - it will happen faster and with MUCH more favorable results.

Good luck!
Jeff

 

[Kyanimal]

well they said if i ever had sex with another man, which I never had so I can still donate blood.

You're sounding more, and more, like a pretty "kewl" Guy, the more you share, and let "Us" get to know you. I'm sure that even your current roomies would think the same if you let them get to know you better. (Of course that choice is entirely up to You!)

Despite your initial reactions (bringing in the RA right away, etc.) I feel that you are finding your way through some difficult situations at the right pace (especially since you called the RA "off", etc.). ALL of this is a learning experience, and you seem to be checking out, and taking advantage of, the resources that are available to you. Keep that attitude, and keep up your endeavors. The fact that you were able, and willing, to step away from some previous, perhaps "instinctive/urgent" courses of action, and "rethink" what you were doing "immediately", says volumes about your resilience, and your potential for "adaptability". THAT is a "Good Thing"!

Also ... there have been some rather "tough" replies directed at you "here", even though they were meant in "good faith", but you haven't scampered away and hidden from them. THAT, too, is a "Good Thing"!

I am, now, getting the sense that You are going to be doing O.K. as you venture forth through your college experiences, and gain a better understanding of what it will take to fulfill the true Potential that is You!!

Of course ... no matter what ... seriously ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[spencer]

remember, everything is new to them too. they're worried about fitting in just as much as you are. have u tried talking to them yet? invite them to the cafeteria or something. what does your councilor say about them?

to the moderator, many treat no flame like no homo. I'll let u suck my dick, no homo. I'll post this, no flame. saying it isn't does not a flame make.

 

[octoberiste]

Alright. You're first issue to take care of here is the partying in and decorating the room thing. You have to be assertive and put your foot down. At the very least, voice your opinion. "Guys, I really need to wake up at 9am on (insert day of the week) so please end the party at a reasonable hour. Thank you." "Guys, I'd like to add some of my own decorations. These ones aren't my kind of thing, so please keep it on your side."

If they react negatively and refuse, they're assholes, and you have every right to throw a bitch fit and if only absolutely necessary, talk about it with your RA.

About not approving of them... seriously, you're going to meet a ton of people who drink and smoke and party. It doesn't make them bad people. It's just their way of relieving stress or whatever. It's college. Sure, it might make you uncomfortable now, but once you set your own boundaries for what you will and won't do... and at least tolerate what they do (under legal and reasonable circumstances, of course), and assert yourself, it will become easier. You're going to have to just learn to deal with certain types of people.

If they do participate in illegal activities in the dorm room, you can and should report them to your RA. Underage drinking is illegal and not allowed in any dorms of any college... not saying they're underage, but if they are... and drugs... Hello, expulsion, goodbye.

The gay thing. You don't need to tell them. You don't need to keep it a secret either. Being gay doesn't mean you wear a rainbow flag on your sleeve and have pictures of naked men all over your walls. Just don't go out of your way to hide who you are. It will only make you more and more depressed. If they do find out and react negatively, threaten you, etc... you will probably / definitely be able to change rooms. Another option would be to come out to them, and if they do treat you like shit or make your life a living hell or whatever... you'll also be able to change rooms.

What you're going through isn't easy... a new place, new people, a new state... a new college. As others have said, you are strong enough to be assertive and to be yourself. You just don't know it yet. You'll be surprised.

And keep going to counseling. It will help.

Everything will work out, but you have to take the steps to make it work out. And good luck. I believe in you. I'm sure I could say all of us here believe in you.