you know something. i realized two things yesterday; i need to move out of new jersey and philadelphia, just like new york, is WAY better than nuked jersey.

the last time i went there which was 12 years later for some trip to the mint museum, i was like 14 years old and the people that were in charge of that shit didn't really do anything much. they didn't even show us around the city or whatever. they just took us to the place where benjamin franklin chilled at, some old spot or whatever the fuck you call it. it was called some alleyway or whatever the hell. either way, i wanted to GET the fuck outta there. went there with my mom for the hell of it since she wanted to go to wilkes barre and philadelphia so i tagged along with her. somehow, someway, i ended up missing the damn wilkes barre exit and what do you know, we ended up driving down to philly instead.

i thought philly was going to be boring as fuck like how it was 12 years ago BUT it was actually some laid back spot. the funny thing is that it seems a bit TOO nonchalant where some of the drivers seemed to be complete fucking airheads. i'm NOT used to dealing with that @ all. hell, i seen one dude block the road on the way to the highway looking on his cell phone for directions. he just had his head down looking as if he was parked on the side of the road, absolutely going nowhere. there were like 4 people in back of him and he was chilling.

i was like "are you serious?" could not imagine what would happen to dude if he was in new york or new jersey. they'd let him have it.
with that said after going down to dc last year and now philly for the fuck of it yesterday, i realized that my environment really HAS had a negative impact on me. folks in jersey REALLY are that miserable. it was strange to see how folks in pa were just easy going, folks in dc just go about their life like whatever, folks in new york pretty much go about their business where folks can dress up and act however they want BUT jersey, everybody is up in everybody's fucking business. you have folks literally studying your ass and eavesdropping in your conversations to the point where they'll be like "yo.... i seen you up in walmart or down in penn station waiting for the bus" or when you're talking to your friend on the bus about music, someone will just jump into the conversation all up in your business.

it's like damn... no wonder why my ass has some serious anxious issues because i'm around some fucking negative nosey motherfuckers with nothing better to do than to be up in my business or be miserable with life. there's really nothing to do out here and to top it off, north jersey is in the shadow of new york and south jersey is in the shadow of philly.
so i decided that by 30, i'll either be moving to somewhere else out of new jersey and will NEVER come back or i'll be dead. i cannot see myself living like this and being in one piece. something is going to have to give sooner or later. i can't take this shit.
another thing too.. this is like an essay but i had to get this out. last night, besides having some weird dreams (dreamed something that could have been out of a comedy sketch skit or out of seinfield involving a cell phone exposing the truth about somebody and this girl catching the full brunt of someone elses humiliation. that and two people getting gunned down outside the irvington bus depot like 5 minutes within each other.), i figured out what i really needed. i don't need zoloft. i don't need sex. i don't need a new job. i don't need to travel. i don't need a boyfriend. i don't need to start dating. i need to basically figure out how to love myself. the thing is i'm depressed right now and i realized that zoloft and antidepressants only mask suffering. whether i have sex, get a boyfriend, a new job, life still goes on where the problems that were there BEFORE i even got into that are going to be there DURING and AFTERWARDS. like if those things came into my life, i think that they would only keep my mind away from the problem BUT not take the problem away @ all. so now here i am trying to figure out, how do i actually LOVE myself or let LOVE into my heart.

my mom basically shows me love, my friends, my brother, and etc BUT i just can't feel it within me. i don't know how to show love to myself for whatever reason. i simply hate myself. i simply feel as if there's NONE there in my heart or within me so i get depressed, feel alone, unhappy, and etc where i basically look into things that don't matter where i'm basically projecting my feelings. that's why i get paranoid and usually expect the worst out of folks. i'll basically say to myself that nobody likes me or i'll basically have my ears all turned up whenever i walk past people where i'll hear someone laughing thinking they're laughing @ me when they're not even acknowledging my existence.
i would say that i'm basically hurt, damaged, and loveless where i've been struggling to basically not let my sadness, anger, and lack of love for myself get to me to the point where i start getting into drugs, abusing alcohol, and getting involved with self destructive behaviors.
i've been off zoloft since yesterday and the ocd has gone away BUT the depression that went away momentarily has come back and is even five times worse than what it was before. it's not that i feel lazy, well, i haven't ate my breakfast yet and i've been up since 11. i've managed to masturbate and brushed my teeth though since then.
i also have to say that i'm disgusted with my father who decided to be a fucking vial human being, wiping his boogers all over the fucking sink as a ploy to get attention from all of us once again. i can't stand him and don't want to be around his fucking disgusting and disturbing ass. i plan on spending all day in my room. actually, i plan on going to the gym. today, i gotta do the 750 words thing too. been on a 80 day streak so far. okay done.