Relationship advice needed. I have a really toxic relationship and I don't know whos at fault. I hate that I cant get out

[MrRochesterNY]

One reoccuring thought I keep having (because I cant distract myself 24/7) that is torturing me is I will constantly think about and imagine him having sex with another even younger Asian bottom...

You're OBSESSING and you must STOP! Get busy with some other aspect of your life. Let this one go. LET IT GO !!!

Even continuing this thread is a bad idea, as it keeps your focus on what you should be trying not to think about.

Maybe the best thing the rest of us can do now is to not add any more postings to this thread. You have all the advice you need here. Now you just need to find the strength to follow the advice you have been given.

 

[theweakling]

I've truly tried distracting myself before but it still never works and I don't know how much more of it I can bear. I'm 26 and no one is ever going to love me. I'm in NYC which has probably the highest density of gay men and I still failed.

I can go out with friends, I can go to the gym, I can make myself busy at work...but right as I'm trying to fall asleep I will think of him. It makes me feel like shit knowing there are friends and family who support me....hell there are strangers on the internet who care about me more than he did and I feel like I let you all down when I think about the last time he kissed me...how happy it made me. I had just stayed the night and he kissed me goodbye before I headed to work. I had no way of knowing it would the last time he would kiss me. How could I have anticipated that the following 6 months would be the most agonizing and miserable months of my life

I just want to give up because I don't trust myself and I don't believe I have the strength to move on. I don't want to die but I don't want to be alive anymore. He ruined all other men for me. I've already turned down two good looking guys because I was too hung up on this asshole. I feel like the universe gave me a second chance by bringing him back in my life but I ruined it. I haven't learned my lesson and I'm still the same weakling I was when he first ended things back in Feb. I can't bear another six months without him...what if those six months turn into years into forever. I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm truly wasting everyone's time. There are days where I think yea I'm gonna be the best version of myself and make him regret leaving me then there are days like today where I want to curl into a fetal position and die. Fabulouslyghetto is right in saying that he has a gut feeling about me not snapping out of it. I wish I could. I can imagine my ancestors rolling over in their graves at how I continue to degrade and embarrass myself. Why are my emotions being so stubborn?

I honestly long for the sweet embrace and release of death because I don't think I was meant to be happy in this lifetime

 

[theweakling]

Sorry I know he's not good for me. I was just having a moment of weakness.

 

[SeaCore]

So there's an angle or two that I'm not sure have been covered yet that are kind of tangential.

So, from the way you've been talking, it seems that the thing you miss the most is the physical intimacy. Physical touch is one of the ways that some people reaffirm their feelings of being loved. So when you lack that physical connection it's almost like you lack love, of any kind.
When you hangout with friends or family do y'all hug? Would your friends be the kind of people that give a gentle punch to the shoulder, slap your back for something funny you said, hold your hand if they felt concerned?
If not. If there's basically no physical connection. Maybe that's something that would make you feel more loved and fill in the need you see this dude fulfilling.
You could ask your friends for a hug. You could tell them plainly that you're really missing that aspect of connecting with people and that having more tactile interactions would help you feel more loved. Maybe you could even share this thread with them so they can understand.

Another facet I'm picking up on is an infectious storm of guilt for having made mistakes.
This is an issue that I sometimes have to deal with myself. Where I make a mistake and just cannot seem to let it go that I did something that hurt someone else or hurt myself. And I keep playing the pain back over and over. But when that happens I just have to keep telling myself that it's okay to make mistakes so long as you learn from it and do better. I probably have to remind myself hundreds of times. But eventually it sinks in and I move on.
And in case you don't think you're doing better, you asked for help before things got far more out of control. That IS doing better.

 

[sixthson]

Sorry I know he's not good for me. I was just having a moment of weakness.

Until you stop leaving doors open to him by not blocking him on all media and your phone, you are always going to be holding out
hope that he will come back to you. You know the truth but you don't want to accept it fully. Lots of people never forget their first love or their most intense love, but they have stop giving space to them in their brains until they heal. Then hopefully, one day they
can appreciate it for what it was or recognize it's good that they ended.

 

[G-Lexington]

I've truly tried distracting myself before but it still never works and I don't know how much more of it I can bear. I'm 26 and no one is ever going to love me. I'm in NYC which has probably the highest density of gay men and I still failed.

No, you failed with THIS GUY. Because you were incompatible with THIS GUY. Because THIS GUY was an asshole.

Being in a great relationship is awesome - no question. Making out with somebody you love, and having sex with them, and cuddling with them afterwards - all amazing things. But you didn't lose out on love with this guy because you were unlovable. You lost out because he was sort of an asshole, and treated you poorly. And - I cannot stress this enough - he was not your one and only chance of every finding somebody to be in a relationship with. There will be other opportunities. But not if you keep staring at the spot he used to be in, constantly wondering if you can get back with him.

There's nothing wrong with missing the kisses, the intimacy, the sex. But teh mindset should be "it's a shame he was such an asshole. If he had been a better person, that would've been something I would've loved to go back to. But since he's an asshole, I'm going to have to leave that behind, and hopefully find a better person to be with."

I can go out with friends...

See? You've got friends. They like hanging out with you. They like what you have to offer. You're not "worthless" to the world at large. Keep working on that. Stop thinking about HIM. Focus on YOU. You're going to be with yourself for the rest of your life, so start focusing on that guy in the mirror. Befriend yourself. Like yourself. Love yourself. The more you do that, the more others will find you lovable, too.

Lex

 

[eastofeden]

You need to go back through your statements and remove the things that are a lie...or not true....

Seriously.....do it now.....

The problem is...most people build their own prisons in the mind and the bars of their jail cells are of their own design and often made up from the lies we tell ourselves.

The lies we tell ourselves are the worst. Equally bad is when we repeat the same lie over and over we somehow think it is fact....

The worst enemy we all have is ourselves...

Now the good news...you have the power to reverse all of it. You can tell the truth..it will always set you free...mostly on the inside....

You can also be your greatest friend instead of your worst enemy..for every yin there is a yang...find it...look for the balance....

I could go through your whole post and point out every lie you are telling yourself..but better you do it.

I use this tool all the time...I know it works....

Here are a few examples of lies you should turn around....and BTW..this isn't about him..it is about you....

I'm 26 and no one is ever going to love me.

(You do NOT know this. He didn't love you anyway....he used you for sex...when one door closes...a door or a window opens up..look for it instead of repeating lies to yourself)

I still failed

(Truth is..I think you dodged a bullet...and that is a success)

See...it is easy to play this game...so now you try...

Your mind is a terrible thing to waste...set it free...

 

[TX-Beau]

People who declare impossibilities generally do so because they don't want to change. You've been given a lot of good strategies - apparently from a few professionals as well, and yet nothing changes. We wonder why.

There are two basic categories of people who live in histrionics, those who are mentally ill, and those who are enjoying the drama. You asked way above who is at fault, well you aren't responsible for anything he does, but you are at fault for everything you do, or don't do.

YOU are responsible for where you put your feet, no one is forcing you to do anything, and if you won't walk away, there is only one person to blame for that.

 

[TX-Beau]

I've truly tried distracting myself before but it still never works and I don't know how much more of it I can bear. I'm 26 and no one is ever going to love me. I'm in NYC which has probably the highest density of gay men and I still failed.

Why would anyone love someone about whom you feel so poorly?

One last thing, threatening suicide to fish for sympathy is a a total douche-bag move.

 

[TX-Beau]

You're not ready for a relationship, you need to spend a lot of time working on liking yourself.

 

[theweakling]

Why would anyone love someone about whom you feel so poorly?

One last thing, threatening suicide to fish for sympathy is a a total douche-bag move.

When did I threaten anyone with suicide? If I don't want to live, I don't want to live. Not everyone's life is roses and daisies. Literally every realm of my life is shit. You don't know what it's like to finally meet someone that was going to be the one good thing in your life and have them ultimately treat you like garbage and toy with you. I know very well that this guy would not give two shits if I died so that's not a very good threat.

 

[TX-Beau]

When did I threaten anyone with suicide? If I don't want to live, I don't want to live. Not everyone's life is roses and daisies. Literally every realm of my life is shit. You don't know what it's like to finally meet someone that was going to be the one good thing in your life and have them ultimately treat you like garbage and toy with you. I know very well that this guy would not give two shits if I died so that's not a very good threat.

I know that you are being extremely over the top with your protestations of impossibility and the futility of it all. If you are actually suicidal, we aren't qualified to help you with that and you will either find competent professional help, call a hot line, do something else, or you won't.

You also aren't the only one ever to be disappointed by dating a douche-bag. In fact one of the few things that unite us all is being in exactly the kind of situation you describe. We all have had our hearts broken by assholes and narcissists and cheaters.

The big question is what are you choosing to do? Your life is your own, you are responsible for making it better, so what are you doing about that?

 

[TX-Beau]

The point of all of this is that you are responsible for you, just you, no one else, and you'll either help yourself or you won't. No one in here has a magic solution, so take some of this advice. Decide who you want to be, make a plan on how to get there, then go do it. Yes there is going to be pain, and yes there is going to be struggle, but that's not in any way unique to you..

We're all in the same boat, the only difference is what we decide to make of it.

You may think this sounds callous - so be it - for all of us, our lives will only ever be what we decide to make of them.

What do you want out of yours? If your highest aspiration is a boyfriend, why is that as high as you're aiming? You will never get happiness and fulfillment reflected off someone else, no matter who it is.

 

[theweakling]

I know that you are being extremely over the top with your protestations of impossibility and the futility of it all. If you are actually suicidal, we aren't qualified to help you with that and you will either find competent professional help, call a hot line, do something else, or you won't.

You also aren't the only one ever to be disappointed by dating a douche-bag. In fact one of the few things that unite us all is being in exactly the kind of situation you describe. We all have had our hearts broken by assholes and narcissists and cheaters.

The big question is what are you choosing to do? Your life is your own, you are responsible for making it better, so what are you doing about that?

The only thing keeping me alive is the guilt of leaving my parents. Sometimes I have this really fuckef up thought. As soon as they go, the sooner I can kill myself without guilt

What am I choosing to do? Drink myself to death at every opportunity. Complain to strangers on the interwebz. Cry constantly

 

[Cormac135]

Have you ever sought professional help, a shrink ?

 

[theweakling]

Have you ever sought professional help, a shrink ?

I've had three in the past year bc of insurance issues

 

[theweakling]

Quite honestly I am wasting their time bc I'm too weak to put in the work outside of therapy

 

[theweakling]

I tried so hard to improve myself in those six months...and for what! Lmao. I bet he's fuckingsome other Asian whore as we speak

 

[eastofeden]

I have often wondered if self pity can be better understood and if perhaps it might actually be a mental disorder...

I have watched it bring so many people to their knees and keep them there. When I had it myself in my much younger days..I was lucky to have someone who wasn't afraid to be a bitch slap me out of it.

He was brutal..he needed to be. It definitely felt like it was a mental illness when I looked back. The harshest advice you have gotten here is the truest.....

If you can find a way to shed the self pity....you will be shocked when you see where you were....it is like living in a dark pit. While you are experiencing self pity...you are blind...

Oh yeah..TX Beau was right when he said most of us have been there so you are wrong when you say we don't know or understand....

If you want to know how I handled it...I have written it somewhere here what I did to the guy who fucked me over and how I got past it rather quickly ...but I don't want to type it out if you are going to keep having a pity party because I know it will be a waste of time.

 

[theweakling]

I have often wondered if self pity can be better understood and if perhaps it might actually be a mental disorder...

I have watched it bring so many people to their knees and keep them there. When I had it myself in my much younger days..I was lucky to have someone who wasn't afraid to be a bitch slap me out of it.

He was brutal..he needed to be. It definitely felt like it was a mental illness when I looked back. The harshest advice you have gotten here is the truest.....

If you can find a way to shed the self pity....you will be shocked when you see where you were....it is like living in a dark pit. While you are experiencing self pity...you are blind...

Oh yeah..TX Beau was right when he said most of us have been there so you are wrong when you say we don't know or understand....

If you want to know how I handled it...I have written it somewhere here what I did to the guy who fucked me over and how I got past it rather quickly ...but I don't want to type it out if you are going to keep having a pity party because I know it will be a waste of time.

what did you do to the guy and how did he fuck you over?