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Relationship advice needed. I have a really toxic relationship and I don't know whos at fault. I hate that I cant get out

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SeaCore said:
Hm, seems like some good goals.
Why the better job in particular? Are you wanting to do something with the money that ya can't right now? Or is it more striving for a better work environment type of thing?
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I need to move out of my parents place. Part of me feels like it makes me undateable. It also made meeting up with him a bit difficult at times in the past.
At the moment with my current salary, yes, I can move out if I wanted but but it wouldnt be in great or trendy areas of NYC. If it was in a trendy area, I would be living paycheck to paycheck with roommates and its doable but theres definitely that strain. I want to be able to move to a trendy place in NYC and somehow maybe he'll see me in a different light?
 
What difference would living in a trendy place make? They weren't ever really interested in dating you, right?

Getting out of the parent's home I get. That can be a big inconvenience. But the specifics probably wouldn't matter all that much.

Any benefits to living somewhere trendy?
 
SeaCore said:
What difference would living in a trendy place make? They weren't ever really interested in dating you, right?

Getting out of the parent's home I get. That can be a big inconvenience. But the specifics probably wouldn't matter all that much.

Any benefits to living somewhere trendy?
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In my mind, it mattered. Maybe its just something I'm personally insecure about. I feel like he wasnt interested in dating me because of that and because I was kind of obviously socially awkward. Maybe if I'm popular and living by myself like an adult, it'll make me somehow dating material.
 
It just doesn't seem like the expense of living in a trendy area is worth it. At least from what you're saying. Trendiness doesn't really indicate sociability, it's probably less significant than you're giving it credit, and it'd probably make it harder to socialize since your finances would be tighter.

And holding out on being able to live in that more affluent area may rob you of the time that could be spent learning how to be self-sufficient elsewhere.
 
SeaCore said:
It just doesn't seem like the expense of living in a trendy area is worth it. At least from what you're saying. Trendiness doesn't really indicate sociability, it's probably less significant than you're giving it credit, and it'd probably make it harder to socialize since your finances would be tighter.

And holding out on being able to live in that more affluent area may rob you of the time that could be spent learning how to be self-sufficient elsewhere.
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Idk I think that moving out of my parents place is undeniably a good thing but it's just I'm doing it for the wrong reasons...like I'm doing it because in my mind it can help me win this guy back
 
I'd tend to agree with your assessment.

I also think being more social is an excellent idea! Help figure yourself out more and feel more like you're not being a bother for fairly basic social interactions.
 
When I go back on Grindr, the guys that message me are literally either unattractive or just super average compared to him. I guess this is my punishment for being shallow. I guess physically I will have to settle for second best. I think it's pointless to say oh well you will find someone more attractive when I think it's more realistic to learn to accept that I only appeal to a very small population of gays. The cards are just stacked against me
 
Is Grindr really the best place to be looking for love? I know people have found that on Grindr but isn't it mostly for hook ups?

Being a little semantic here but I find the notion that this is a punishment for shallowness absurd. To me that implies someone or something is inflicting it on you. Is it a consequence? Sure. There's pros and cons for prioritizing one trait over another and it's not really wrong, it's just reality.

I think that acceptance is typically a good thing. And as far as I see it, even if you were wrong about how attractive you are (And I'm skeptical of your assessment) you would do yourself a world of good not worry about your appearance so much.
 
Cormac135 said:
I've a horrible feeling we're all being taken for a ride here.
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If not being taking for a ride, then certainly taking for fools. He has had some of the best advice and perspectives that i have seen on this sub-forum.

He does not want to listen, cause you know, the drama.

Nothing we say will get him to listen, he has made up his mind to be the poor victim in all this, forgetting to mention his stalking and texting and involving the guys workplace.

All we are getting is one side of this drama, i would dearly love to hear the other side.
 
"Stop being obsessed!"
"Stop being depressed!"
"You just love drama"

-medic1 probably

Wow you just cured my anxiety and depression.

Everyone acts like I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing when I am setting goals and working towards them. Everyone is acting like I'm showing up physically at his workplace and camping outside his apartment like a stalker. Yes I fucked up by involving his workplace in February but he contacted me first in August not the other way around. Thats point blank a fact.
 
Like no offense to medic1 but the dismissiveness is incredibly reductive.

I'm writing out my thoughts to cope. If all mental health problems could be solved in a few weeks, I'm sure so many therapists would go out of business so fast.
It's like you tell me to get over it. Right. I'm going to get over hating the color of my skin in a month. Oh well gee whizz golly that was easy.
 
^Well stated.

I think medic1 is trying to come from a good place, to push you to take the advice you've been given as strongly as possible. I agree that you've been given a lot of good advice.

But it's clear to me that right now you need someone to listen more than anything. You're completely correct that right now you have a slew of issues that need to be untangled and resolved that I think this whole situation just brought to a head. Getting over this guy could very well be treating a symptom rather than an ailment.

Anyways, good on ya advocating for yourself.
 
medic1 said:
If not being taking for a ride, then certainly taking for fools. He has had some of the best advice and perspectives that i have seen on this sub-forum.

He does not want to listen, cause you know, the drama.

Nothing we say will get him to listen, he has made up his mind to be the poor victim in all this, forgetting to mention his stalking and texting and involving the guys workplace.

All we are getting is one side of this drama, i would dearly love to hear the other side.
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This forum used to see a lot of threads where an OP would ask for advice and would receive good feedback and earnest suggestions... but then the OP would disregard the advice or pick/choose advice or make excuses or, sometimes even worse, attack those who offered advice.

There are two things that the moderators of the support forums ask of all members:
  1. Advice is offered with best of intentions and with the understanding that the person asking for advice has free-will and may not follow the advice.
  2. And for those asking advice, we ask that you listen and be respectful to those who offer the advice, even if you choose not to take the advice.

Reading through the past couple of pages, the advice that has been offered here is sincere and well-thought through. The OP has already pursued some of the advice in that he's working with a professional therapist.

However, it's a timely reminder to say that if the OP chooses to continue the very behaviors that brought his to this thread, then there's little more that can be said, other than "best wishes".
 
^I could not agree more, and Seacore is correct i am coming from a good place. So to the OP i can only say best wishes, and that hopefully a therapist will be able to help you break down those barriers.
 
Haven't done anything to contact him even though the voice in my head is practically screaming at me to do so. I still think about him on a daily basis and it just hurts so much. I keep listening to Camilla cabello's I have questions song. I can't believe someone could look me in the eyes tell me they like me and show such disrespect and disregard for my feelings. I guess all icando is pray that I get past this...but the truth is that I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. What more is there to say other than it fucking hurts?
 
I'm just like using this thread as a journal of sorts...sometimes I write shit out instead of texting him and it's like the morning after, I'm just like, "wow glad my crazy ass didn't send him this message"
 
theweakling said:
I'm just like using this thread as a journal of sorts...sometimes I write shit out instead of texting him and it's like the morning after, I'm just like, "wow glad my crazy ass didn't send him this message"
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That is actually a good idea..|
 
Lets say he does come back and texts me first...what then? Given everything that has happened, what can be done differently?
Is there anyway I can salvage this and have him treat me better?

When I talk to my friends and therapists, one thing that keeps coming up is that I've given him all the power. So what am I to do then? Act aloof and disinterested? One of my friends told me I need to play hard to get...but thats difficult given I'm hard to want
 
""I don't wish anything bad for you but you make me really nervous." Bitch please. Clearly you weren't all that nervous when you made me rush (for no reason) to your place to blow you. Clearly you weren't all that nervous on Oct 28 when you 1. texted me first 2. double texted when I didn't immediately respond. Clearly you weren't all that nervous all those other times you texted me first and then ghosted me the second I responded. Clearly you weren't all that nervous when you asked me multiple times to get poppers for you (no doubt so you could use them with some other interchangeable Asian bottom). What even was the point of that statement other than to just make me feel bad about a mistake I made 9 months ago that I've apologized for and expressed regret for.

You literally have nothing to be nervous about if you treated me like an actual person. Everything I said about you on IG was rooted in shit that you've done to me. I didn't slander you or make shit up."


Just another example of the messiness within my head. Didn't send this but my therapist seems to approve of me writing this in the notes of my phone as opposed to sending it to him
 
I'm literally having dreams about him so that's fun /sarcasm
I can't even escape him by sleeping. I say dreams but they're more like nightmares and they usually involve me trying to get back with him and him rejecting me
 
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