Just for you Greaves, I hope you appreciate it:
Warnies match day 5 report - classic!!
SK Report Day 5 - 3rd Ashes Test 06/07
Up at 6am for my morning jog, 12kms this morning and done in a tick under 40 minutes, then sat down with the lads for breakfast. On the menu this morning was a slice of four grain toast, with extra light country spread butter, freshly squeezed juice from Riverland oranges, and a side of fresh fruit. Then a shower, some light stretching exercises and off for the team yoga class before our net session.... or at least that would have been the start to my day if my name was Kevin P00fter Pietersen... instead, just the usual fart, splash some water on the chevy chase, Winnie blue and an iced coffee for me... nice.
Team meeting this morning was at the hotel boardroom number (as Ritchie would say) teeeew! Punter is already on his soapbox when I get there my standard 15 minutes late, and is banging on about us not taking anything for granted, "we still have 5 wickets to get" he says, "it might rain later they are telling us" he says, "they have a lot of quality batting to come" he says.... well that was enough to crack the room up, Alfie has hit the floor laughing hysterically, Mr. Cricket allowed himself a giggle or two, and I must admit, I hadn't laughed so much since I heard Freddy Flintoff cried like baby after the Adelaide test.
After 5 minutes of laughter, Punter now realises there is no point continuing the meeting, as nothing he'll say in the next hour or two will be taken seriously, so he starts wrapping things up by asking if anyone has any questions, I say "yes Punter I have one... can you believe Marto is STILL paying shorter odds to top the batting this series than any pom?... well that was it again, everyone has cracked up, pigeon has run out the room, still not sure if he was heading to the toilet, or if he was trying to get a piece of that bet. Punter shakes his head and orders "change rooms.... 5 minutes".
So we're all getting changed into our creams, and who should lob into the change room, dressed in white three quarter pants, knee high socks, deck shoes and a purple polo shirt.... Yup... SCG Mc Farking Gill, Punter quickly announces at "Stew would like to address the group before we head out to battle today", well every bloke in that room looked at each other, and exercised every ounce of self control, to not make the third outburst for the day, there were lots of muffled coughs, plenty of fidgeting went on, as we all anticipated the inspirational words that were about to be delivered.
SCG looked at each man in the room, and held a gaze for around 3 seconds before moving to the next man, I was about to burst... was this bloke serious?, I was thinking "please hurry up tosser, I really can't hold this any longer"... then it happened, his first words, with a straighter face I have never seen before, .... "where's Marto??".... well fark me, if you thought we laughed earlier, I laughed so hard I had to change my undies, pigeon broke a rib, even Bing got the joke and had a chuckle.
So out to the centre we trot, in the best mood I think we've ever been in, "lets have number 6 lads" Gilly shouts, "one more and we're into the tail" Punter adds, "give me the rock and we'll be on the pi$$ in 20 minutes" I say, "Kay Pee" puffs out his chest and says, "prutty confudent ornt yew Shayne"?... "so confident Kay Pee, that I've already arranged to meet your missus for lunch" I say.
After giving the quicks the courtesy of starting the day's play, Punter finally throws me the cherry and says, "wrap this up by tea, and I'll buy you beer" to which I reply, "you're all heart skip, but I'll be well and truly on the scotches by then."
My first pole for the day was Freddy F*ckup Flintoff, isn't this bloke in rare form?, great decision by the ECB to hand the pressures of the captaincy on to one of the two blokes that can play.
Then out trots Geraint Owen Jones, as he nears the crease Pigeon starts laughing again, and when pigeon laughs, everyone laughs, he just has one of those laughs... then Haydos catches his breath at second slip and asks pigeon why the cackle?... pigeon says, "is that zinc cream he's put on?"... does he seriously think he's going to be here long enough to get sunburnt?... crack up 4 for the day, then Punter runs him out in a way that only a sneaky Tasmanian could. Surprisingly, Geraint trudges off with a "0" next to his name, "bad luck" cackles pigeon as he jogs past, "you got a ripper"... crack up 5.
Our new bloke got their new "ring in" that again, looks anything but pom. My next pole was Harmless, and as he's trying to work out where the players gate is, I've told him to get into Freddy's ear about a promotion up the order next test, as he's averaging more than Geraint. Then I make light work of, and give a free lesson in spin bowling to the terrorist, and that's all she wrote..... how farking easy was that??...
3-0 with 2 to play, ashes officially back home, poms are dumb and founded out, I'm on the sauce with the boys and on with Kay Pee's missus a bit later, and 1 pommy pole to bring up 700, AND ... I'll be in my home town to do it. If that's not enough to warrant a massive swim through and a couple of sl*ts... WHAT IS??
Love to your missus
SK
- I need as much humour as possible.