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somebody tell me a joke

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"

"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"
 
There were three girls in a boat in the middle of a lake; one was a redhead, one brunnette, and the other blonde. The boat was 100 meters from land. The three decided they would swim to land, but was not sure how far to swim.

Finally the redhead was tired of waiting so she jumped out and swam 25 meters and she got tired and drowned. After some more waiting, the brunnette got tired too and she jumped out of the boat and swam 50 meters and she was tired and drowned.

The blonde decided to wait some more, but got impatience and she jumped out of the boat and swam 75 meters, but she got tired and afraid of drowning, she turned around and swim back to the boat.
 
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have three 55 gallon drums full of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married what am I supposed to do with it?"
 
Subject
>Investment tips for 2007
Investment tips for 2007
>
>For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so
that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
>
>Watch for these consolid ations in 2007:
>1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
>
>2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
>
>3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMM Good.
>
>4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and
become: ZipAudiDoDa
>
>5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
>
>6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.
>
>7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
>
>8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott
NOW!
>And finally ...
>
>9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTitty Bang Bang
 
The Colonoscopy
> >
> >
> > All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying
> > to decide who was the one in charge.
> >
> >
> >
> > "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run
> > all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I
> > circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste
> > away."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I
> > process food and give all of you energy."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry
> > the body wherever it needs to go."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow
> > the body to see where it goes."
> >
> >
> >
> > "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
> > responsible for waste removal."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
> > insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
> >
> > Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
> > the stomach was bloated,! the legs got wobbly, the eyes
> > got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided
> > that the rectum should be the boss
> >
> > The Moral of the story?
> > The ass hole is usually ALWAYS in charge!
 
^ LoL Love It!!!!

A blonde, a brunette , and a redhead were all captured by the spanish police, and were forced to be executed by firing squad, the police lined them up in front of a wall, they asked the brunette if she had any last words, she Quickly shouted
"tornado" and pointed, the police looked away and the brunette made her escape.

Frustrated, the police then asked he redhead if she had any last words, the redhead quickly shouted "earthquake" and pointed away, the police looked away and the redhead made her escape

now extremely frustrated, the police decided not to fall for any more tricks, they asked the blonde if she had any last words, trying to fool the police the same way the other girls did she Shouted "fire"!
 
Once upon a time there was a cute gay couple. Adorable they were, uhuh. Anyway.....one day one of them suddenly died. Very sad. His boyfriend was devestated.....sooooooo, he asked for his boyfriend to be made into a curry. Ya know, as ya do. When asked why, he replied: I just wanna feel him dribble out my ass one last time.

*sniff*

The End.

:cool:
 
An Englishman goes to Dallas for a business convention and is picked up at the airport by a limo.He says to the driver "Isn't this a bit excessive for one person?" and the driver shakes his head saying " Everything is big in Texas!"
The Englishman arrives at the hotel. Its huge. He comments on the size to the receptionist, and she says "Everything is big in Texas!"
After he unpacks he goes down to the bar for a drink and the bartender makes him a massive Highball. The Englishman is a little shocked by this and says so to the barman. The barman shrugs and says "Everything is big in Texas!"
By this time the Englishman is a little drunk and needs to go to the toilet. But as he is a bit disoriented he takes the wrong door, trips and falls into the gigantic indoor pool.So he looks up and screams "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON"T FLUSH IT!"​
 
Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Bush?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
 
Ah...I'm necroposting again.

Considering the age of this thread, I'm surprised how many people in here still show up as active. Amazing!!! (And I can see, I think, at least two who are active other more recent or reinstated identities...certainly ONE with the Q in his name for sure.)
***********************************
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."
 
humans die cause
NO just kiddin
they live faeva ons reality tv shows

haaaa
 
A nurse was giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman when she noticed a reaction on the machine from the patient when her genitals were washed. She quickly called the woman's husband and he rushed right over. She explained to the husband what happens when his wife's genitals were washed and suggested that maybe some action on his part will bring his wife out of a coma. He was a little surprised but since he loved his wife dearly, he would try anything. The nurse suggested a little oral sex and assured their total privacy. She closed the curtain and left the room.

A few minutes later the woman's machine alarm went off and the nurse rushed into the room to find the woman had flatlined and passed away.

The nurse turned to the husband and demanded to know what happened. "Nothing!! I just did what you said. I think she choked."
 
attachment.php


A Japanese VIAGRA ad might say:

"If condition persists more than four hours, call an erectrician."
 

Attachments

  • viagraswitch.jpg
    viagraswitch.jpg
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What's the square root of 69?

8 something.
*******************

The First Ever Blonde GUY Joke...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
 
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