Tell me your dirtiest jokes!

[Jeimuzu]

Not truly dirty, tbh. Ah well. It's a bit long, and probably better told. Ho hum.

A duck goes into a bar, and sits on a stool. The barman comes over, and says "What'll ya be 'avin, then?"

The duck looks ponderous for a while, and eventually asks him "Do you have any... hmm... d'you have any bread?"

"'Fraid not... got beer, lager, crisps an' peanuts. So, what'll it be?"

Again, the duck ponders, and after a similar length of time, replies "You got any bread?"

The barman thought he can't have understood him, being a duck, so he decided to speak a little clearer.

"Sorry, we don't have any bread. We have beer, lager, crisps and peanuts. You can have any of those four."

The duck ponders for a while, and replies... "Have you got any... hmm... bread?"

The barman gets a little annoyed, but goes "Look, mate, no we don't! You c'n 'ave a pint of lager, a pint of beer, or a pack of crisps of peanuts."

The duck replies "You got any bread?"

The barman really loses it, and slamming his hand on the bar, growls "Look, I've tol' ya, what, three, four times now? We haven't got bread!! Now if y'ask for bread one more time, I'll nail ya fuckin' beak to the bar!! Get it?! So, what do you want?!"

The duck, now looking a little shaken, thinks, and says "Have you got any nails?"

The barman grunts in the negative.

"Mmkay, can I have some bread?"

 

[mabby7]

THE vampire replies "that's ok. I was wondering if I could trouble you for some hot water."

The bartender, a little flustered, says "yeah, sure"

The vampire returns to the table and his friends look at him like he's nuts.

"Are you fucking stupid, we're vampires, we drink blood dumbass, not water"

The third vampire just smiles, pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, and says to the other two "Tea time!"

ewww ... this is dirty ... lols ... but funny ...

ok .. i got another one ... a bit dirty i guess

A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:


Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?
Man: If you died and went to Hell, you’d be bumming out too.
Devil: Hell isn’t what you think it is. It's fun down here. Say, do you drink?
Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?
Devil: Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tequila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink ‘til we puke then we drink more.
Man: Ah… that sounds great.
Devil: Do you smoke?
Man: Damn right I do.
Devil: Cool! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don’t have to worry about getting cancer because you’re already dead anyway.
Man: No sh!t!
Devil: You like gambling?
Man: Hell yeah!
Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.
Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.
Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?
Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...
Devil: That’s right man, because on Thursdays, it’s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don’t have to worry about overdosing because you’re already dead anyhow.
Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!
Devil: Are you gay?
Man: Uh, no.
Devil: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!

 

[JASON0980]

Jacobim, thats cute

 

[spreadeagle]

An elderly woman entered a radio station dirty limmerick competition. They phoned her to tell her that her entry had won and to ask if she would read it out over the air. She replied that she couldn;t possibly say those filthy words aloud so would it be okay if she just said 'dah' whenever a word in the limmerick was too dirty? They agreed so she then read the limmerick:


dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah dah
dah dah dah dah dah dah dah CUNT!

 

[simon]

Broke Back Deer Camp


The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
th ing--h air all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

 

[smakelijkus]

Q: What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

A: Get out of my son.

 

[Kyanimal]

Definitition of "Gross":

Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat ...

And a string dangling out of your lips!

 

[teadrinker]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder and tells the bartender that his octopus is a musical genius: "I'll bet you $10 he can play any instrument."

The bartender pulls out an electric guitar from behind the bar and says, "Well lets see him play this guitar."

The octopus takes the guitar and starts playing just like Jimi Hendrix. The patron pockets the $10. Next the bartender pulls out a trumpet, the octopus grabs it and his playing would make Dizzie Gillespie proud. ...$10 again.

Now the bartender pulls out a set of bagpipes from behind the bar and gives them to the octopus. The octopus starts fumbling with them for a moment, and the bartender says: "I think we stumped him, he can't play those!"

The octopus retorts: "Play them ?! As soon as I can figure out how to get these pyjamas off I'm gonna' fuck 'em !"

-T.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Broke Back Deer Camp


The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
th ing--h air all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Haha ace

 

[bigblock]

Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
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A: You have to chew before you swallow.

 

[JOHN B]

A farmer barges into his house carrying a sheep over his shoulder. He pounds up the stairs, goes into his bedroom and throws the sheep on the bed where his wife is sleeping. "this is the pig I've been fucking behind your back" he says.
"that isn't a pig it's a sheep" she says.
"I wasn't talking to you" he says.

 

[texpatriot]

For some reason ^ joke reminded me of this one:

Mrs. McGillicutty and Mr. McGillicutty were laying in bed about to go to sleep, when Mrs. McGillicutty rolls over and elbows Mr. McGillicutty in the ribs and says,

"Mr. McGillicutty you didn't ask me how my visit went with the doctor today!"

Mr. McGillicutty replies, "Aye! You're right Mrs. McGillicutty, how did your visit with the doctor go today?"

"Thank you for asking Mr. McGillicutty," Mrs. McGillicutty replied, "The doctor said that I'm fit as a fiddle."

Mr. McGillicutty replied, "He did, did he? What did he say about your fat Irish arse?"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Mrs. McGillicutty replied, "You weren't mentioned."

 

[lyconthrope]

One day a cowboy rode into town. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.
Repulsed, the sheriff asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"
The cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the sheriff continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them."

 

[Newbie_69]

There's a Competition going on. Its called " The Filthiest Man on Earth.". There were many rounds and from 1000 contestants, it boiled down to 3 last contestants. This round, they have to be really dead disgusting & filthy.

The first man requested a huge pail. Now, he's an obese man aged 50 plus. Very very ugly looking & has never married due to his looks. Then he started showing to people how he vommits and it filled the pail full.

Everyone was whispering to each other saying that he's surely going to win the contest.

The second man got into the arena & requested a larger pail. Its as big as a trash can. He's 60 plus. Very ugly looking & very very obesed with many moles with hairs all over his face. Then he showed to the public how he vommits. Then in the same pail, he shit out a full load of shit(He had a BAD diarrhoea at the same time) with all the visible crushed peanuts, chilli flakes, spinach bits, & very foul smelling liquids mixed in his shit. He then picked his nose & throw them into the pail. Then he picked his ear & throw the ear wax into the concoction as well. He shaved his crotch & armpit & garnish the mixture with the hair.

Everyone was so shocked with that and they said there's no way the last guy can ever beat that. This guy surely going to win the title.

The third man was calm. He's very very skinny old man. Very very sick old man. He took out something from his pocket & did something to the both of the pail.

EVERYONE was shocked & some fainted. He won the competition. Question:

What did he take out?
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A Huge Drinking Straw.

 

[lyconthrope]

heheh oh dude thats nasty

 

[lyconthrope]

I apologise to any religious people who find this offensive.....but it cracked me up LOL

 

[bobeeboi3767]

here's is the dirtiest joke I know it's just so dirty.
Here it goes - Five white horses fall in some mud. TADAAAA thank you thank you I'm headlining at my living room tickets are still available..

 

[GoodbyeSobriety]

I'm sending my psychiatric bill to you guys.

 

[handyman22]

Griffith University Degree

A young man graduated from Griffith University with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from Kingaroy he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, ”Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”

The farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep! One time one of my neighbor’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and then took it back home.

“I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that was a lot of fun?”

After another minute the farmer said, “Yeah, one time my neighbor’s daughter, a great looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her we took her home.”

Again, the young man said, “I can’t print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that was really exciting for you?”

The old farmer thought for a moment and after a few seconds a smile that turned into a grin came over his face and he said to the young man,

“I got lost once……..”

 

[handyman22]

A Bargain Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to the pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, “Gee, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

I was born this way,” said the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sound like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” said the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang on to the perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it ‘cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course – I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sport, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. He says, “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me ‘cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer.”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” said the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the postman.”

“What?” said the guy.

“Well,” the parrot said, “when the postman came to the door today your lover greeted him in his jockey shorts and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asked the guy

“Then the postman came into the house and pulled off the jockey shorts and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!!” the guy says, “Then what?”

Then he got down on his knees and began to lick his body, starting with his chest, nipples, slowly going down and down.”

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

I don’t know,” said the parrot, “I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!”