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Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

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Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You're hiding too many things, I think. You want to be with him, and you want to be WITH him -- he knows the first, but not the second. I think you need to start letting him know! And about the homophobic thing, ask him if he really meant that, 'cause you're gay, and it makes you uncomfortable hearing that. And that topic could be a lead-in to mentioning the old, and never-dead, crush.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys.


I'm in such a deep depression and I am finding it hurtful. !oops!

I am almost sick of seeing the way I have been and this "is he or isnt he gay" stuff. I have been in denial this whole time, letting my brain and heart play foolish mind games and tricks on me.

I should have looked at the writing on the wall. It was written in bold and big letters. "HE IS NOT GAY OR INTO YOU".

I know my depression the past few days has been because of this realization that I have come to in my mind. He didnt say or do anything to make me think this. For some reason this reality just hit me hard. :(

I feel worthless. I feel like such a fucking loser. How could I conjure up this fantasy and even think about playing it off as if it was real.

There are some of you who are probably saying to yourselves "about fucking time he realized this shit". Yeah about damn time.

My heart is hurting and my gut feels like I have just been socked a million times.

How could I BE such a naive fool. #-o

I read the stories on here thousands of times before I even posted and I suspect Ill see a thousand more like mine. Why was I so blind? :confused:

I need to move on with these thoughts and I am finding it so hard. A lot of my emotion and thoughts of the future went with these ideal things that I pictured happening to me and him. What was I thinking? :confused:

Now that these thoughts are gone, I feel very empty. I dont know how to move on from this.

I just got off the phone with him and he said "Bri you sound very odd lately..and I know your in a depression..last night when you said you didnt feel like talking..I knew something was up..we always talk..you can tell me anything..if you cannot tell me, who can you tell?

I dont need to tell him what Im feeling. I already know the outcome. Why do I have to make that real? So I dont have to go on living this fantasy? Believe me, im living in this fantasy world less and less each time I talk to him now and as each day passes.

My buddy made it real hard not to fall for him. The things he said and did. But I fell for him. Hook line and sinker.

I hope I find some way to replace this emptiness. I know I know..find something your into, a hobby perhaps..join a group..etc etc...I know this advice ie well spirited and intended but spare me.

He is my best friend and brother. Yet at the same time there were things I did for other reasons. Reasons only I knew. Tims I went over and beyond to help him out. I tortured my heart, mind and soul. I have almost a Masters degree yet I couldnt see how this was going to end. Some of you on here warned/told me how this was going to end and I refused to see it.

My heart is hurting with such an unbearable pain. The tears are flowing but Im so used to that. Invested so much emotionally. It is not his fault. It wasnt him that was wishing to be with me. It was me wishing to be with him. It is completely all my fault.

I acted immature and like a child. My heart is shattered.

I feel a million things...

Sad.Lonely.Dumb.Immature.Blind.Naive.Alone.Lost.Confused.Wanting to stay in NYC now. Not caring so much about Vegas anymore.

I feel like hurting myself..gone are the days where I would even try it anymore so dont go the I need pills and more therapy route..I just feel like it..cant I feel like it? I know we all do from time to time.

Im almost 30. Life is so short. I feel like Im missing out on so much. I struggled for so long through my teens and all through my twenties that I feel like I missed out on so many memories. I wish I didnt get abused as a kid. Maybe then I wouldnt have felt such shame for being gay growing up and maybe I could have led a more normal life. :(

I feel so alone. Im crying too much now, I need to go. I will update later..I will need to talk more. Brian !oops!


Loving someone who cannot/will not love you back is one of the hardest pains.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, So sorry to hear that you're hurting. I think most of us have convinced ourselves at one point or another that if I just love someone enough it'll all work out. And it's really less painful in the short-term to believe in the fantasy, but every story has an ending.

Just know this - you're not alone as many of us have made the same mistake. And you're NOT EVEN 30 yet! Lots of us are far older and still able to find someone to love that will love us back - you will as well now that you're not spending every spare moment in the fantasy. The fastest way I've found through the kind of pain you're experiencing right now is just to open up to it, feel it fully, wallow in it for a couple days if you need to and then get fed up with hurting and get on with life. And remember, you have a whole bunch of friends here supporting you. (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*)
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, you've had a moment of truth, and your heart is breaking. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. While there's nothing I can do or say to ease that pain, I do know what it feels like and there is no pain like it. If it was an infection or a tumor, you could cut it out and feel better in a few days. But, this pain is so bad and intense and there's no medicine for it...except time.

We're all here for you. Many of us have exerienced what you have. We survive, grow, and--yes--even find happiness again as elusive as that emotion feels at the moment.

Hang in there. You'll survive because you're a good man with a good heart who has a good head on his shoulders.

(*8*)
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Things are just not good.

I feel suicidal. Im crying so bad over here.

I have so very much lost my way.

Some of you have PMed me saying this is not something to get down about.

I just got off the phone with my buddy. H called back because he was worried about me. I wanted to tell him and I danced around it for as long as I could, and at one point almost said it to him. But what is the point of saying it??? I know hes going to tell me that its ok, but he doesnt feel the same way.

So why do I need to tell him?

Im so emotionally drained.

Im surprised no one has come on here saying that this is what I get for falling for a straight guy.

I fell for a good hearted person who makes me whole and happy in everyway. I guess I was too blinded by all of that to see things correctly.

My heart hurts so much.

bri
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You don't know what could change if you tell him.

Just tell him.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hun, have a scotch and get some rest. You'll have more moments like this, unfortunately. But, you'll have good times. You seemed in a much better mood a few days ago. Ups and downs I'm afraid.
As for why you need to tell him, it's not for him so much as it is for you. He may respond the way you expect, but it might be that catalyst to get him thinking seriously about his feelings. Dunno. I tend to be a hopeless optimist.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Okay...
Unless you're a prophet, you DON'T know what he's going to say!
From your posts, it sounds to me like he's been giving mixed signals. Dude, get your ass in gear and tell him so, tell him about your crush on him, work into giving him the whole truth!
Maybe what you think will happen, will. But one thing: if you DON'T tell him, you've nbroken something special you two have had -- sharing everything. That's something not many people ever get, and you'd be a fool to throw it away! You KNOW he's not going to cut you off, right? So stop wallowing, and get to it!
Besides, by not telling him, you're torturing yourself. You say you know what he'll say, but unless you tell, and he says, there will always be a little voice in your head wondering if just maybe... just maybe.... and that will eat at you, and slowly it will destroy your friendship. Brian, he can tell there's something eating at you -- if you don't tell him what, he's gonna be hurt, and the longer that goes on, the more it will eat into your friendship.

Bottom line: call the man, and tell him.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Brian,

I have a few questions to ask you. You say he's given you every signal that he's straight or can't return the love you have for him in the way you love him. That maybe the case, but similar to everyone's sentiments, you haven't heard it from the horses mouth and don't know what he will reveal.

You entertain so many scenarios in your head on the possible outcomes that it's overwhelming. Hell, I'm feeling overwhelmed as I feel like I'm riding with you on your journey since you write so well. You are a gifted writer. :D

Reading back on your 2nd to the last post, I think there was something said in a recent conversation that happened that made you reposition if he maybe gay or not and that conversation did not go over so well. I'm just taking a stab at things and forgive me for assuming wrongly.

My question is, how does Matt play in your story.... are you two dating? How does he fit in the equation? He may not be your ideal man as you have pictured your buddy, but you can give him a chance too and he may be a guy who can reciprocate the way you want to be loved.

So what if your friend tells you he can't love you the way you want to be loved. He still loves you for who you are. He's helped you get out of your shell and experience life. You can't say you've thrown your life away pining for something that you couldn't get, hasn't he returned something more to you? Hasn't he allowed you to get out of your comfort zone, meet new people, give you friendship. You even got to tell him your deepest secret in that you're gay and reading your previous post, you were so very happy in revealing that information with him. I think the rest of us were as well, you had us all on the edge or our seats!

I know this is a statement that is beaten to death, but at the end of the day, the only person that can make you happy with yourself is YOU!

What are your alternatives at this point? You either tell him your feelings and he says he can't love you that way leaving you with a myriad of emotions that you have to deal with, but at least it's concrete and not imaginary scenarios that plays over and over like a broken record that tortures your psyche. Who knows, he maybe gay after all given all the mixed messages you've been given. Plus, you still have Matt! Also, take into account what you've been able to do without his physical support. You've met a gay friend, are pursuing your educational/career goal, and going out.

You have so much to live for. Rooting for ya. (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) Here's to a better tomorrow - I hope. (*8*) Take care and well wishes.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You should just tell him to give closure to to yourself. NOt just to hope for him to suddenly hop into bed withyou. But do it so he'll give you an answer and you can move on and not have to wonder what if. What if i told him and he felt the same way. So if he does say he doesn't feel the same way, at least you've gotten it off your chest and can probably move on to another love interest with him still by yourside as your best friend. Hope you feel better, and have a good outcome in the near future.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys.


My buddy called me at 5am my time this morning.

He asked me how I was doing because he had been worried about me. He said hes down too and pretty lost about some things. Hes afraid he wont make it out there and stuff like that.

I told him I dont know about Vegas anymore. And I really didnt..and I still dont. He got very worried. I said Ii felt very hurt that he left and that he should only know what he means to me and how I mis him.

I told him that as much as I could go there he can come here too. He said he knows that and if he had the money he would.

I also told him that "your moving was and is hard...I let on that it doesnt hurt but it does...we were supposed to..." and he stops me short and goes "i know we were so you dont even have to say it..i know what you are going to say.."

What I was going to say was how we were always going grow old together and love near each other and be happy with our lives.

His talk calmed me down a little. I cant even count the times I cried on the phone with him last night and told him I miss him.

He said he knows something is up and that I must be very down. He asked if its about helping him with money. I said no. He asked if its about him. I said kind of yeah. He asked if he upset me with all the stories of him hanging out with his friend there..and I said that triggered it but no thats not it..He said that he knows how I am..that it takes me a little while to open up to things but that I will eventually tell him. And he was right. I eventually will. Its just going to take a little while longer.

Today at school a woman my age who used to work in my school came back and told us how teaching in California was just so great and how she enjoys it in Beverly Hills.

This other woman my age in my school currently working there , who I get along with well and who is also this Cali ladies best friend..suggested that me and her go be roommates out there in Cali in the fall or maybe next year.

It was an interesting option. One that I felt bad for considering, seeing how I didnt tell my buddy about it yet..

But when my buddy and Ii got off the phone, he called me back 5 minutes later saying he had an anxiety attack and that hes down and depressed. We are too much alike, we even feel the same things around the same time. I love him so much.

Will update more later, Brian xoxoxoxo
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys back here with a small Saturday update.. :-)

Even though the situations are the same..I am at least feeling a little bit better.

Yesterday my buddys girl actually called me and we stayed on the phone for over and hour. I had her laughing a lot and we talked about just everything.

My buddy then got on the phone and said that hes not in a good mood, but is happy that I was sounding better.

He said I can always talk to him no matter what. It told my buddy about that girl asking me to room with her in Cali and he got upset and sad and said that he would be hurt if I went to live in Cali but that he would be right behind because he would want to move close to me. He even said that even if he makes it out there in Vegas that he might come back to NYC to be near me.

The gay issue came up again and my buddy was cracking jokes and I was just saying some jokes too. The call waiting rang and I switched over, it was Matt..he wanted to come by and pick me up and take me to his place to chill..and I switched back saying bro I have to go Matt is coming to pick me up..

He goes "your hanging up with me to chill with Matt??? Whats up with that? What are you guys going to do, get kinky?" He kept asking for a pic of Matt and I said bro Im in a rush I will send you it tonight..hes like it takes 30 seconds just send me..Im like why do you care so much what he looks like..and he goes I want to see..

Well I wound up hanging up with him and chillin with Matt..

My buddy called me later that night and asked me what I did with Matt..I said we watched a movie..he goes what movie..I go...um....er......ok buddy you got me..we didnt watch a movie ;) ..he busts out laughing saying..oh shit..and he asked some more questions.

But over all I still have feelings for him. I will definitely tell him soon. And I am learning to move on from this.But very slowly.

I was so invested emotionally with my buddy..and when I finally realized I have to let go of him in that way..that I dont have to let go of his friendship..that I can have one without the other..but it is hard..and lord knows I am trying...thanks for the continued advice and support..brian...talk to you all shortly. ..|

P.S.-Matt is a great guy. Great looks, great in bed. But thats about it. Our personalities are nowhere near something that would be able to last with me. I need someone more like my buddy. And no I am not comparing them to my buddy, but I need someone morel like him in some ways. Bri
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

P.S.-Matt is a great guy. Great looks, great in bed. But thats about it.
Click to expand...

So you actually did the deed with Matt? lol. Great fo you if you did
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Yes the deed was done with Matt. And it was so nice.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

hahahahaha. I coudl only imagine how jealous your friend became, if you told him or not lol. but like I said before great for you.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

Glad to see that you're in a better mood. Started to worry a little when you didn't post anything for more than a day. As you can see, you can have your close friendship with your bro and a relationship with another... although Matt is not long term, congrats!

J.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Tpeezy...yeah I did tell him and yes I think he was jealous. Maybe jealous that I was with a guy, maybe jealous because hes not getting much from hiw wife..I dont know, could be many things...

Lestat thanks for the concern, I am in a better mood and I would never do anythng to hurt myself...Although thoughts sometimes go through my mind, thats all they are..years ago I was in a severe deep depression..through meeting my buddy and him letting me open up to him..Im in much brighter place now...thanks..Brian
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

This is Good! ... This is Better!! :D ..|

And, THANK YOU!, again, Brian, for sharing this, and keeping us all updated! (group)

Of course (seriously) ...

Keep smilin'!! :kiss: (*8*)
Ky ;)
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

That's great Brian! Good to hear that you're a smart, level-headed guy and wouldn't do anything that drastic.

Joe.
 
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