Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks KY...I petty much love Meryl Streep in most roles..her, Sandra Bullock and Diane Keaton are my favorite actors.

I love a line in the movie..."Andy" had to go get coffee for Miranda and she was late and Miranda came out of her office and asked if she died on her way back with the coffee lol. On the outtakes reel..she says "what did she do?Go to Rwanda for the beans??"

In terms of Andy..I hope his opportunity with his latest potential job goes ok. But whether it does or not, I think in the next two weeks Ill be backing away from Andy as he will see it as time to hit me up for money. I'm standing strong..and as much as it hurts..and as much as he is hurting...and as hard as it will be to sit aside while hes suffering and not help him out..I just can't this time.

Vegas

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

..I just can't this time.

Vegas

Bri, Buddy!

That's O.K.!! It really is!! It's not Your "Fault"!!!! (It's Andy's!)

I know you would like to be able to "help", but providing any more funds, even if you could, is not likely the "help" that Andy truly needs right now! He, and "Girl", really need to get their own "sh*t" together! If they don't ... well ... they are never going to be Happy! And that is NOT Your Responsiblilty!! It is Their's! And they have to face up to that!! And it seems the only way they may ever "step up" is if they are "forced" to!

Loving someone ... and carrying them ... are two different things. The best Love is showing someone how to walk on their own! It can be a painful process to endure! But, in the long run, it is worth Far More to everyone involved! Think of it like teaching "Your" Kids!! It's for their own good that they Learn!!

I'm sending You HUGE HUGS, Man!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

P.S.
You know what? I think it would be really cool to grab a few beers, some DVD's, and just hang out with You! Yeah! I think You're THAT neat!!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You know what? I think it would be really cool to grab a few beers, some DVD's, and just hang out with You! Yeah! I think You're THAT neat!!

THAT, my friend...with the exception of the beer...is a perfect date to me lol.

Bri

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

Glad hear you are staying strong with regard to the money. As Chaz said, giving him money will not be helping him. I hope you are telling him whenever he brings up money that you will not be giving him anymore. Don't wait to say no until January 31st, then let him say there is nothing else he can do.

One thought for Andy, I often use a temporary labor company when I need some extra muscle. The company is called Labor Ready http://www.laborready.com/. If you have a pulse, they will hire you. The way they work is that you show up at their office in the morning and they assign you a job. At the end of the day, you return to Labor Ready and they pay you. The pay is probably only something like $6 per hour, but that is better than nothing. The assignments are typically construction site clean up, warehouse work and landscaping. This job would not interfere with him looking for another job as they have no schedule. If you want to work, you show up in the morning. If you don't want to work, you don't show up. If you don't have a car, they send you out on the assignment with someone who does. This would give Andy a way to earn the rent before February 1st, so there would be no reason to ask you. If he contacts them in the morning, I bet he will be working by Tuesday. Now he has no excuse for not working.

It's not your fault that he and his girl rented an apartment that they can't afford. He may just have to move again; to something that they can afford. They have already paid the last month's rent, therefore he will not be on the street if they don't pay the rent in February.

I'm also very glad to hear that you are getting involved with some other friends. As I have said, Andy can remain your friend, but he shouldn't be the focal point of your life.

Take care.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks Vette...I agree on all your points. He has been telling me here and there that he is trying not to come to me for money...and wrongly so..I have said nothing in return.

Im going to have to next time tell him that I cannot do it. But is HAS been the consensus that I cannot help him anymore, he has known this for a while now.

Bri

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andy called....said his girl was working today an he is very down, very down. He called that gym guy for the manager thing and he was not in so Andy left a message. I told him to hold his head high and don't despair. I told him he might have ben out to lunch o been on a day off since it was Martin Luther King's Day.

Lately I have been looking into moving into moving to Florida in a few years. I thoroughly enjoyed it when I was there this summer to see my aunt. Will be taking trips there in the summer to check out Fort Lauderdale and Miami.

I need to stay here for a few years. I want to settle down in my apt for a few years...date..meet people and most importantly save money for a house. By 35 I want to move out of NYC and get a house and a car and maybe adopt.

Brian

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, When we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

 

[SunsetsC]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Sounds like a plan to me mate. Best wishes.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

So Andrew calls me. We talk and talk.

He tells me there is something that him and his girl have not been telling me. That they both want to come home and that he misses me terribly and that she misses her family a lot. He also says they want to come home badly.

And that the only way they can get home is if I can get a loan for them.

I keep "uh huh'ing" him to death and he said "I know you don't like to hear that.."
And I go "I don't like to be put in the position to do it.."

So we talk some more and I change the subject and we are joking and just talking, about anything.

Then he starts to make fun of my head...and my weight...and whatever else.

I told him I'm not his fucking monkey or his fucking entertainment...and I told him that this is where he brings up his mood by bringing me down...typical Andrew I tell him...I also tell him to wait for him fucking wife to come home and he can make fun of her all he wants...and then I hung up.

He calls back and says sorry....sorry that I have such a big head...and I hang up again.

He called back saying he is sorry and that why am I getting so mad at him....and he asks me if I am going to be around later...and I go why? you did your damage and it's time for you to go??

And then I said "Oh look it's 5:30...your girl will be coming home..so I guess that means you cannot talk anymore...lata." and I hung up.

He just called me back a few minutes ago saying he is really sorry and he really needs to grow up and he doesnt know why he seems to hurt me the most.

I did not give a shit about his apology and told him he has no respect for me.

I told him I had to go...and he said he will call me later.

I don't even care.

Brian

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri!

THANK YOU! for resounding those phenominal words of Dr. Martin Luther King! It rings so True for so many of us, in so many different situations that we find ourselves in Today ... HIS Day!!

That ROCKS!!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Oh! Your last post about Andy! ...

Sounds like you're seeing clearer now! If they want it SO much, I would say it's up to Them to get what they need! It's certainly not Your responsibility any more!! Especially after everything he just said to You!!

Hang "tuff", Bri!! You've got what it takes! And you'll be better off (and so will they, in the long run) for it!!

And ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[tommy296]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I'm sorry Andy said stuff that hurt you, but I'm VERY proud of you for standing up for yourself. You don't deserve that from anyone, least of all him.

You have come so far, grown so much since this thread started. It's not been painless, but you've walked into that fear and grown. My hat's off to you! Well done!

 

[RicanDAB]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Honestly Brian ... I don't know WHY you are still friends with this guy from what you now tell me. I have been restraining lately from posting as I did before but this f***ing Andy annoys me to no end now.

I'm just going to share a story that happened last summer. I had a friend of 16 years (with whom I shared my first oral gay experience years before) who about 2 months before I moved to Florida declared to me that he was perhaps having deeper feelings for me. This could not have come at a worst time, being that now I was leaving the state and I had already a few years before given up on the fact that we would ever be together (he has an off-again and on-again partner). We were chatting on instant messenger one evening and he was saying how he did not know why he desired to be with me even more now that ever. I simply replied to this whether it was because I was now moving? To this, he went OFF ... he started to tell me how selfish my thinking was and that I should take a course in people skills (!!!!) and disconnected. YES, I was dumbfounded by this reaction .. I still to this day do not understand where this came from.

Anyway, I then made an impromptu decision that changed the course of our friendship. I sent him a short-and-sweet email saying the following: I don't understand why you reacted the way that you did, but it is clear that we should go our separate ways. He replied how surprised he was that I so casually decided to end such a long friendship with a simple statement. I never replied to the email and in fact blocked future emails from his email address.

Do I regret what I did? Not really. Since I moved to Florida I was able to leave lots of baggage behind in NY (in all sense of the word actually) and have found new happiness here in many areas of my life. Do I miss my friendship with him? Yes I do, but when I think about what happened it reminds me of drama that I certainly refuse to entertain in my life. Time has healed wounds. Life is too short to deal with stress like that.

My point on this long-winded post is that if you're ever gonna find true peace in your life you need to create some distance from Andy (you don't have to be so drastic as I was, but you definitely need a healthy breather) - you certainly do not need to put up with a supposed friend harping on your sensitive issues - and he's got cojones doing that to someone who has bailed him out financially. I know you're not going to listen to my advice (who the hell am I anyway?) but I just wanted to go on the record to say that you're not going to progress emotionally if you continue to allow Andy to bring you down.

 

[SunsetsC]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hmm... Yeah its good that youve made that kind of turnaround... and i know im not with ya in your circumstances, but it sounds like he might need a bit of a break too...

I dunno, i cant imagine how much it wouldve hurt to be mucking around with your made, jokin and stuff, then suddenly being yelled at, then be dismissed and hung up on after attempting to apologize several times. I dunno... You obviously mean something to him? for him to try again and again after being shot back like that.

Keep your firm stride, but show him you're the same best mate you've always been. Like... Make it clear you're not his bitch on a leesh and he better fuckin respect that, but also make clear that you're still that mate who loves him as a mate and will try and help with things as much as possible (to a rational level). You already know that but ay.

But in my opinion, dont let that best mate he had in ya disappear and lose care for him or your friendship just because you've finally made the realization that youve gotta be moving on. I mean, its no better man. No better. Unless he's commited some atrocious sin... which I dont think he has, he's just been a real mess at times... Geez, his guilt metre must be overflowin...

I dunno man, i can never be sure, all im sayin comes from my experience with my best mate, i just retained the commited mate in me despite having disposed of the dedicated lover. And i know that means a lot to him. As (i think) it would from you to Andy. But you know, i really dont know much at all, this being an internet forum... just expressing what i think. Cause i know life at 30s? is a lot more complicated than me and me mate goin through our later teens. And that really changes things... Just tryin to help from what i can derive out of the situation though...

G'luk
,C

 

[SunsetsC]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Anyway, I then made an impromptu decision that changed the course of our friendship. I sent him a short-and-sweet email saying the following: I don't understand why you reacted the way that you did, but it is clear that we should go our separate ways. He replied how surprised he was that I so casually decided to end such a long friendship with a simple statement. I never replied to the email and in fact blocked future emails from his email address.

Do I regret what I did? Not really. Since I moved to Florida I was able to leave lots of baggage behind in NY (in all sense of the word actually) and have found new happiness here in many areas of my life. Do I miss my friendship with him? Yes I do, but when I think about what happened it reminds me of drama that I certainly refuse to entertain in my life. Time has healed wounds. Life is too short to deal with stress like that.

My point on this long-winded post is that if you're ever gonna find true peace in your life you need to create some distance from Andy (you don't have to be so drastic as I was, but you definitely need a healthy breather) - you certainly do not need to put up with a supposed friend harping on your sensitive issues - and he's got cojones doing that to someone who has bailed him out financially. I know you're not going to listen to my advice (who the hell am I anyway?) but I just wanted to go on the record to say that you're not going to progress emotionally if you continue to allow Andy to bring you down.

Wow dude i really find that kinda sad... But i do realise and understand how people can fall into these situations... It's just not how id approach it... I guess everyone's different.

 

[RicanDAB]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Wow dude i really find that kinda sad... But i do realise and understand how people can fall into these situations... It's just not how id approach it... I guess everyone's different.

C,

It is indeed sad, I know. There was more to that friendship than what I shared of course .. but nothing heavier than the fact that I became his casual playmate whenever his relationship lacked something - and that says a lot about my self-esteem back then. I grabbed the chance to take control and relieve myself of the torture once and for all. And may I add that I normally do NOT take the "you're dead to me" attitude ... my normal MO is a passive distancing for a period of time to get the message across that I am not putting up with drama. It's not an optimal attitude for everyone but for me, it's effective.

 

[SunsetsC]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

C,

It is indeed sad, I know. There was more to that friendship than what I shared of course .. but nothing heavier than the fact that I became his casual playmate whenever his relationship lacked something - and that says a lot about my self-esteem back then. I grabbed the chance to take control and relieve myself of the torture once and for all. And may I add that I normally do NOT take the "you're dead to me" attitude ... my normal MO is a passive distancing for a period of time to get the message across that I am not putting up with drama. It's not an optimal attitude for everyone but for me, it's effective.

mm... fair enough mate, fair enough

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

You have tried to work through the issues with Andy yourself and people on the forum have given you tons of good advice, but you are still on an emotional roller coaster. This just isn't healthy. Please, please, please make an appointment with a therapist. You will be so glad you did.

Your relationship seemed to be doing a little better until you gave Andy money last month, then it went downhill. Money is an absolute toxin to your relationship. When you give him money, Andy feels worse about himself. Unable to deal with his feelings of worthlessness, he takes it out on you. Every time you give him money, you take a piece of his manhood away. Andy may need to hit rock bottom before he can get his life on track. That may mean he needs to be homeless. If he's not willing work, which he hasn't been, then he needs to deal with the consequence. Please tell him that absolutely under no circumstances are you going to give him anymore money. Andy needs tough love!

Did you tell Andy about Labor Ready? I know it is not the type of work he wants, but he needs to take whatever work he can get. When you can't pay your rent, you can't be choosy about the job. Maybe working a shitty assignment or two will be the kick in the butt that he needs.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I dunno, i cant imagine how much it wouldve hurt to be mucking around with your made, jokin and stuff, then suddenly being yelled at, then be dismissed and hung up on after attempting to apologize several times. I dunno... You obviously mean something to him? for him to try again and again after being shot back like that.

Keep your firm stride, but show him you're the same best mate you've always been. Like... Make it clear you're not his bitch on a leesh and he better fuckin respect that, but also make clear that you're still that mate who loves him as a mate and will try and help with things as much as possible (to a rational level). You already know that but ay.

But in my opinion, dont let that best mate he had in ya disappear and lose care for him or your friendship just because you've finally made the realization that youve gotta be moving on. I mean, its no better man. No better. Unless he's commited some atrocious sin... which I dont think he has, he's just been a real mess at times... Geez, his guilt metre must be overflowin...

Hey C,

almost agree with you here - problem is, Andy seems to be one of those people who are really sorry when they realise they've done wrong and crave foregiveness, but aren't willing or able to monitor themselves and work on their bad habits ... to put it really bluntly, in this respect Andy isn't too different from a chronic wifebeater.

So I'd just say it a little differently: Brian, continue your good work freeing yourself from Andrew's emotional hold, don't let him control your feelings, have fun with your new friends, but just be open to the off chance that at some point he might wake up to what he's doing. You'll see the signs in that he won't just be sorry, but will actually be trying to behave differently - as small a thing as backtracking and apologising (without trying to defend his behaviour) before you call him on it. Be nice to him when (if) that happens. Other than that - good luck!! And listen to Vetteboi!!

 

[SunsetsC]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

almost agree with you here - problem is, Andy seems to be one of those people who are really sorry when they realise they've done wrong and crave foregiveness, but aren't willing or able to monitor themselves and work on their bad habits ... to put it really bluntly, in this respect Andy isn't too different from a chronic wifebeater.

yeah, when i said some certain elements in this case complicate things, i meant Andy's circumstances and chronic personality, which im not familiar with enough, to make some kinda conclusion out of... hence the several "I dunno's" lol XD

Agree with ya though.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andy called today and told me that the guy who was supposed to interview him never showed up, instead sending a co-worker to tell Andrew that the interview will be another day.

Andy said he is in a state right now where he is not even sure if he wants the job as he is 100% sure he wants to come home.

I hung out with a friend last night and Andy asked what me and him did. I said we went for coffee at Dunkin Donuts and just walked around the nieghborhood. He said "we used to do that, walk and that was the dunkin donuts we used to go to.."

Anyway..I heard from him on and off today..will update you guys soon.

Bri

P.S. The freaks came out on American Idol tonight :-0