At a rossroad
Hey guys, thanks for the continued support, criticism and advice.
Rare, thanks as always, for being brutally honest.
Bear with me during this meandering post please.
Ok..I was sitting by the TV tonight, tuned into the primaries in Hawaii and WI and Washington state(really into politics this year, how exciting is this race?) and the phone rang.
It was Andrew, and against my better judgment I did pick up.(Last night at 4am my time, 1am his time I did not however.)
So he was calling midnight my time, 9pm his time which must have meant no work for Andy today. No surprise as he will prolly milk his back injury a lot.
But I digress. He called...and I guess being very into the primary results and very not in the mood for hearing him at that time, I was not mean but short with my answers.
He asked for my address and I told him.
He asked if I was going to be up later..to which I responded I have no clue.
I kind of hung up on him before he say goodbye, because for some reason, honestly not known to me I was getting angry with him.
It could be because he told me "Why dont you pick up your phone when I call?"
Now I responded, "what do you mean? If you mean at 4am this morning it was because I was sleeping.."
He goes, "No just about 10 minutes ago I called you and you ignored it.."
I asked him which phone he called, cuz if he called my land line I dont have it hooked up now due to rennoavting.
He said, "no your cell, I tired your cell and you ignored it.."
I go, "BRO, I HAVE THE PHONE RIGHT BY MY SIDE, IT HAS A SONG THAT PLAYS WHEN SOMEONE CALLS, I WOULD HAVE HEARD IT. "
He is like well I called. I go Andrew you are misinformed or drunk. Even if I got your cell and didnt hear it, my phone like all others keeps a log of missed calls.
You see its shit like this that makes me angry. Angry that he lies about shit like this. First off, whats the motivation for even making this shit up, which he has done on several occasion?
My thinking is he is trying to build me up to be the one is "ruining this friendship" by being cold.
Andrew also annoyed me on this. For the past few weeks Andrew has constantly asked me if I bought furniture yet or the car...and I told him today that I need to paint and buff the floor before I buy furniture and that I went to ALLState to get quotes for certain cars..and he goes "well that should make you happy right, getting a car?"
I said, "sure..I guess" not really understanding why he asked it.
I think on some level the fact that I still didn't buy anything yet gets him off. I don't think he wants me to have anything. It is either that or he thinks I have money that would better suit him..I really don't know.
I'm at a crossroads where I dont know if I want him in my life anymore.
He was the closest I ever came to a friend.
I know on some level I know he never thinks about paying me back the money he said he would, or the money he initally took from me.
But on some level erasing him totally from my life would be hard I think.
And sometimes I think it would be easy...right now all I have to do is simply tell him my peace, tell him not to call or ignore his calls.
I know if we stopped speaking he would say "ok if this is how YOU want it to be then I'll have to respect that". But I know deep down he will be in pain.
I'm not so sure I would be in pain. It would just be wierd. I will never erase Andrew from my memory.
We shared many cool times. He did give me confidence in some ways. He also made me learn some harsh lessons about trusting anyone ever again. And I learned that crushing over someone who is not into you or can never be into you is a dangerous line to walk.
I know by Andrew's tone on the phone that he is looking foward to the wedding, he said he was working out and getting into shape. I can tell work right now means little to him as he is eyeing the big moolah that is going to come from his wedding.
Im not sure the entirely right thing to do here.
I do no know this. I really feel right now that I don't want to be a part of the wedding in anyway. A big part of doesn't want to show up at all.
If I do make that decision,which is a huge gesture to make considering our friendship, then the line will be drawn very soon and I think things would come to an end.
The thing is, the invite will be coming this week...thats a short time to decide if I want him out of my life.
Say I continued my friendship with him I would find these things awkward:
1. Still hanging with him but in the background knowing he willingly encaptured my loyalty and betrayed me and stole from me and used me. This was something I always did do, after he told me he used me. I still said it didnt bother me and stayed friends with him. The truth is i did bother me and I rarely showed it to him. In fact because I was in love with him so much, I pushed it aside and quelled my anger. The anger would come out at times sometimes where he wondered why I was getting angry about it still even though I said I was not.
2. Knowing, that after not seeing him a year and a half, things have naturally changed.
3. The fact that I cannnot erase the fact that I was in love with him and that lead me down a path of wrong decisions. It's still hard for me. I can't chane the decisions I made.
And rarely will I find myself thinking about Andrew in that way. Andy is physically attractive and masculine, but what he did to me and how he lies and some qualities about him, make him much less of a man in my book, and therefore much easier not to love.
If i don't show for the wedding she would be angry to the point that she would tell Andrew not to bother with me anymore..and Andrew will listen to her but not after a while, I know him, he will break down and call me, especially if he and his girl fall on hard times.
What is the sensible thing to do?
I know rareboy you said to forget the wedding and send a thoughtful gift. I fall into that line of thinking. But when he gets the invite saying "I cant attend" what do I tell him on the phone is the reason why?
Keep in my mind the date was known to me for a while now, so I cannot simply say, I had smething else planned or something came up.
So what is the best advice?
Admit to myself that maybe it is best for both parties to end the friendship?
Or somehow manage to forge through our history together and try to find a meaningful friendship that can still happen?
BRIAN xoxoxo
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