Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)
Well..last night I called my buddy at 12:30pm my time.
Rang and rang. Left a message.
He called me back a few minutes later saying that he wasnt going to pick up the phone, that he is sad about a lot of things.
We talk for a little while.
I start to bring up some things.
Things that everyone has been telling me for years with Andy.
That money is a running theme in our friendship.
That we use each other as a crutch.
That the money needs to stop now, Im enabling him and its not helping him.
He asked me if this is my therapist talking, and even though it wasnt..I said yes..he said well what else did this therapist say.
I told him theres stuff that is talked about, that I cant talk with him.
He asked me if it had to do with feelings for him..and I said some of it.
He asked me if me giving him money has to do with having feelings for him and he asked me if I gave him money in the beginning because I was into him
...I told him in the beginning, yes...but now its more of a brother in need.
He was getting down and said he was going for a walk. That he will call later...I kind of was tired so I said sure.
Went to bed..naturally woke up and the first thing I think of is Andy didnt call...as SOON as I thought that a MILI-Second later he calls....cant tell you how many odd moments like that I have had with him..
We talk.. hes down..Im not quite so down..My heart is going though.
Lately I have been trying to play therapist with him..to find out what is wrong.
I told him hes got a huge problem with guilt and dealing with things.,,and he agreed.
He said he is looking for a job..and that hes so very sorry he put me through this..and that when I told him earlier that I get mad sometimes when I give him money because hes out in Vegas living and doing what I want to do...he kind of understood.
He said I have been there for him so much..and that Im the only one who understands him...and that he misses me more then Ill ever know...(these are 2 things he always tells me)
Anyway he said he doesnt like my therapist and that hes trying to come between us..and that hes angry that Im out here and he cant control things with me...hes afraid we will drift apart..
I tell him "Bro, you think everyone WILL come between us....Matt..therapists...my family"
Anyway I cant tell you exactly what we talked about(I forget sometimes) but lately our talks have been understated with some things..I know for sure Andy knows Im still in love with him and have feelings for him.
And we are definitely making steps to talking about it openly...IN FACT hes very open to talking about..Im afraid to a little at this point...not afraid to tell him that Im into him, but afraid to go deeper with it.
A running theme of my talk with him tonight was "Bro..you snapped at me last week almost over nothing..and you flipped big time...there has to be something behind that..whats worrying you...whats the real problem...talk to me"
He said that I was right and whats bothering him is his past...he said that he used to do bad things to people and this one incident sticks out..
I go ok...what type of bad thing...beat up...kill...what?
He said he beat someone else up to protect himself..because he used to keep money in the house and someone got wind of it...and the before this guy could harm him, he went and harmed this guy first..and beat him with a bat almost to death...
I was like ok...he kind of told me this before...and was joking with me.
So in my head Im like hmmmmmm...cuz you know me Im Angela Landsbury and Columbo wrapped up in a bit of CSI...Im pretty good at figuring things out.
And to be honest this just wasnt making sense to me.
I didnt react much to what he was saying other than to listen and say..ok keep going.
I then asked him..wait..so thats why you wanted out of NYC so bad because this guy is still alive and in NYC..he goes yeah..and thats where I think all these problems stem from now...
Hmmmmm...
I then go what about your family, girl, and friends..what about ME? Dont you worry over what might happen to us in a situation like this..he was thrown off guard...
I go bro, this really dont add up.
He goes I know Bri...Im lying to you.
I go..bro how did I SO know that you were lying to me ..how GOOD do I know you...he goes very well Bri...very well.
He goes I only told you that story..to see how you would judge me.
I go bro not only didnt I judge you based on what you said...but I knew you were lying and you admitted it and I still didnt care..
I found it kind of a cute moment that I knew him so well...
Anyway he said his problem is me..that Im not out there..and that its killing him that we cant hang..and life sucks out there now.
He said he feels guilty about leaving...and he said "Bro..I would die for my girl...and I would never say that about someone else...or at least I thought I wouldnt..but I would die for you...without thinking about it.."
I go I know buddy..so would I.
By this time its like 7am..and he was tired..so we agreed to speak later...he said to go suck on Matts dick...I was like bro...be good...we got to stop with the sex talk..and hes like is that another therapist telling you that?...and we just ended off on a laugh...
ttyl..will update soon..
PS.-My buddy has been like this though BEFORE we moved to Vegas..with the long talks and walks with me..his being in a bad place and him being depressed...I know hes down about me not being there..but I think his issues lie much deeper than that..and Im going to figure it out one day...ttyl
PS-2-And the fact that I knew he was lying..proved how well we know each other..I immediately thought he was lying to me...which is why a lot of you wonder why I keep having feelings for him or letting myself...because I think something else is up..either hes got issues with himself...OR hes done something that is bothering him...like I tell him many times...bro its really not all about work...or money too much..something else is going on here.
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
...I go and do just that...