Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)
Hello all. I have not had a chance to come online much at all in the past few days. It has been such a week of ups and downs. But mostly downs..my thoughts are all over the place right now and I dont know where to begin..as I cannot completely recall it all.
I think I last left off with me wanting to take a break from my buddy to clear my head...and he had called me several times after that to tell me he misses me, etc.
We had one very very good phone call during the week, where we openly talking about a lot of sexual things..he was asking me if I liked certain celebs compared to Nick Lachey..for example..whos hotter to you Nick or HHH..Nick or Tommy Lee...Nick or Etc.....He asked me that even he thinks Nick is small and would I still like him..He also asked me if I ever swallowed a guy..and I said yeah..and hes like aww bro..I cannot believe my friend is a cum guzzler..etc...and we talked about that..and he said he cant believe I dont have a gag reflex, etc, etc..we talked about a lot of things in that talk..and he said something that he likes when girls used to swallow him whole...so he says that maybe having no reflex is good to whatever guy Im with...
Then he made a I guess you can say impersonation of a gay guy, something he does with me on the phone...he'll say "Heeeeeeeeeeey.." like really effeminate...so I was like bro not everything is so stereotypical..like for instance your Italian and yet your not packing..and hes like bro Im packing..Im like bro you own wife made several comments about your not being hung well..and he said well she was just trying to get me mad...I go bro it wasnt even in a mad type situation she said it off the cuff..he goes well its not the size its what you do with hit..and then he goes let me stop talking about my dick..you might get too excited...That was one of our better phone calls...
Im not proud of some of the things I do in my life..Im certainly no angel and not perfect. To the knowledge of no one on the JUB...I have been still seeing Matt..and I last left off with that as being otherwise..I didnt want to keep writing about Matt and my experience with him for several reasons to which you will soon see...I apologize for not being truthful concerning that.
My buddy did know however, that I was still seeing him.
One night and I think it might have even been the same night of that first call...I said something that made my buddy get anxious and flip out. I casually mentioned that sometimes me and Matt talk about living together and eventually living in a house together, and sometimes we think about places to live in NYC...My buddy got incredibly angry and said how could I do this to him..we had plans to open a business and live together(he corrected, then said near each other)..and raise our families near each other...
Well that went on all night with him calling me several times in the AM....The last call for that night had him saying if he ever saw Matt he would beat the shit out of him...and there wouldnt be anything left...and how much I have changed for the worse since meeting Matt and how some guy that I have known for not even half a year is causing me to act different to a brother, who's friendship we both said would not be affected by anything..
The very next day(yesterday) I get a call from him on my cell saying that he is sorry for everything he said and that he shouldnt have said it and that he was just hurt..He said hes also sad because his girl has ben trying hard to arrange a wedding for cheap and that she researched and found one for like 2k(I admit when he talks marriage and wedding I get mad/jealous and zone out..But I try and be there for him)..that she told a friend about it there in Vegas and her friend basically copied the idea and said that she wanted to do it too...so my buddys girl was all in tears and my buddy said he feel like less of a man because he cant provide even the cheapest wedding for his girl..he said hes been looking for work..I said "so she copied the idea..I dont get it.."...My buddy kind of agreed and said to him its no big deal but its kind of a woman thing...
The he asked me if my mind about staying in NYC is settled..and I said that I need to get help mentally before Im able to think about Vegas and staying here would be good for me for now..and he totally felt sucker punched as he said and extremely hurt...he hung up with me to go cry..I called him to see if hes ok..he said he cant stand this constant change in me..one day Im all for Vegas..and sometimes im all for a life here in NYC...I told him I agreed with that and Im sorry..we wont talk about it anymore...
He said what kind of help do I need..I told him that lately I have been fucked up in my head...he asked me if it had to do with me having feelings for him..I said yes and some other things...
After a few minutes I started crying to him uncontrollably..he said tell me whats wrong..I know you want to tell me whats wrong....And for reasons that I dont know...my buddy simply asked me..."Is Matt abusing you?"...and that comment hit me like a sucker punch..and I started bawling like he never heard before...I told him Im a big guy I can handle myself..and that no one puts a finger on me...he goes is it mental abuse? Verbal abuse?....I broke down and told him that Matt gets in his tempers sometimes and gets volatile...and sometimes hes threaten to tell my family members about my sexuality..One of the sore points with me and Matt is that Im not at the same level as him in terms of his openness with family and others...I also told him that Matt has been frowning upon me eating good and that he encourages me to eat unhealthy stuff..meaning that he likes his men big like football players..
My buddy went off and said that he cant take hearing this shit and started to scream like I never heard him scream..he said "THIS IS THE GUY THATS SEPARATING OUR RELATIONSHIP AND FRIENDSHIP? THIS IS THE GUY THAT MAKES YOU HANG UP THE PHONE WHENEVER I CALL AND HES THERE....THIS IS THE GUY?"...He hung up the phone on me and said he had to go....
He called me back a little later saying that hes sorry and that I reminded him of his dad and it brought up bad feelings..He said "bro Ill have someone meet him at his home and hell never ever threaten you again or make you feel this bad..he will be too afraid to shit..Ill have a guy put a gun down his throat..He said he will gladly come down to NYC and do it himself..." He said right now Matt is using me for sex and he sees weakness in me that hes taking advantage of..he said to cut off all calls and no sex with him again..
He also said that eve if he told my folks, that its who I am..He said Brian...you are my brother..you are gay..so what?? You like men, thats your preference..you will meet a great guy, who is right for you..even if I have to go to the gay bars here with you and look for men..I will never let another person hurt you..and I want to see you happy..this is very hurtful to me..you have such a big heart and a lot to offer..."
Just about then I started to lose it....how can someone be this nice??? I told him thank you for always being there, no matter what.
He asked me if Im hanging with him soon..I said that I have today(6/14) off and Im going shopping to get some healthy food in the house..and that I have been eating bad for 3 weeks an it has put me back into full-on-depression mode...I told him and truthfully felt that I wanted to hurt myself as we spoke...and he hung on with me for a while....he called briefly later that night.
I woke up with a panic and I called him at 4:30am my time..because I was suicidal..I literally woke up that way(I had a dream that I was out with my buddy and girls were all over him and I was sitting alone watching it..)..I called him twice..n answer..left a message..now I was getting worse..he called back 10 minutes later saying he was sleeping, which I didnt buy and I knew he was out and it just got me worse...he said to always call and hed always be there...and this time he wanst...he was like bro I called you back only ten minutes later...in truth he was right..but I was just too down to feel anything right..I was numb...
I told him Im ashamed of how I look and that Ill never meet anyone, and that when Im with Matt I feel ok..but then I wonder if Matt leaves me..and he made me add some more weight..how no one else would find me attractive...we consoled me a lot..and said that he needs me to come out there and be near him..I can get help out there...and he would sit in on my sessions with me if allowed...we hung up later on and he called me back an hour later saying he cant sleep and he feels anxious...we consoled each other and hung up again.
I spent the whole day with Matt..he was driving me to places...bank, pharmacy, etc..then he dropped me off and I went shopping for healthy food..and then came home and passed out...missed a call from Andy...and decided to post here...I called a co-worker and asked her for her therapists number..I want to start therapy..I know now that my sexual feelings to Andy are wrong and they have to be stopped...He is straight and in a relationship..I also have to get therapy on why people always look for my weakness and prey on it or how I always let myself get attracted to the wrong people...I told hm back rather sarcastically I guess..that I put myself before otehrs, no matter who it is..and I need to stop, that all people in a way take advantage of my weakness and my goodness...and he goes I guess you mean me too right bro?
Lately after Matt has been leaving I throw up whatever I ate with him..if I could. I did it again today...I dont liek the deeling when I do it...it tightens my chest and it makes me thinkg that Im hurting my throat and my heart by doing this...I am not developing an eating disorder...I have been only doing this for a week.
Its easy to KNOW and RECOGNIZE my problems...I know what they all are..now I need help to get over them..Id even consider meds at this point..something I had always been against..anyway..will update you all soon, Brian.
Im embarassed writing this on here, most of it anyway...as Im writing it Im just picturing peoples reactions...and it hurts already because putting into words further makes me realize what an idiot I have been..I felt this way when I told Andy all this..I begged him not to tell his mother or girl about any of this.
I told Andy that I am fearful a little and that I will definitely end things with Matt slowly and at a good time..he said bullshit it needs to stop now..and that he wants to speak with Matt...I said that so not going to happen....anyway..I will be getting therapy to heklp myself, expecially with gettign over Andy in a healthy way.
Jake
