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Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

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Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Meh, out of place out of shmace.

Put aside the fact that you have feeling for him. You're still his great friend. And great friend look out for one another.

Turn the tables. If you were getting hitched to some wretched man, but couldn't see it, would you not expect a great friend to pull you aside and say "Yo, Bri, what the hell are you thinking?"

I would do it for my friends. Whether or not I'm attracted to them, they're still friends.

That's all I was trying to say. =]
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I don't exactly know what to say in this post. I will make it short.

Two night ago, because of our sadness we started snapping out at each other. He called me mama's boy who cannot make it on his own...I called him a low-life shady user who knows nothing but to lie to people and to hurt them and take their money.

Next day we call and we apologize to each other. We hang up and a few hours later, after feeling really bad and suicidal, I call Andrew up.

He was at a car dealership getting a car. Apparently his work, which he didn't even start yet for...agreed to get him a car that was a 10 thousand dollar value. The money would come out of his paycheck...I called him and left a message and couldn't talk straight because I was crying.

He called me back and that was when I had my biggest breakdown ever.

I was suicidal and numb...I wanted to really die..and it was the closest I ever came to actually really wanting to go ahead with it. Everything and anything that ever bothered me came to surface in my mind.

But most of all was the pain of being alone, having nobody and loving someone who does not love me back.

It was so bad that Andy was about to book a flight to come back home to be here with me. He said that if he ever found out that I did anything to hurt myself or to die that he would be soon following me.

I have not spoken to Andrew since last night. I'm in so much pain. My immediate reaction is to always withdraw..and that is what I have done. Andrew called once tonight and I refused to pick up...I don't know if speaking to him will get me worse or not...I do not know what to do.

I am going to see someone very soon...I asked a friend to bring in a book that details all people I can see under my insurance.

I cannot write the proper words in this post to describe how I feel right now. I feel dead...just walking around numb...with no purpose.

I know if I speak to Andy I will be down, miserable, and say bad stuff. Hurtful stuff to him...and stuff to make him worry. I am also afraid talking to him will make me worse...I don't know what to do...I would rather just go away and be gone right now and not feel anything than to be another day/year in this pain.

I'm having a nervous breakdown. I do not know what to do. I have spent so much time depressed since I was a teen..and here I am 30 yrs old and feeling the same...so many years wasted...so many more years will be too. So why am I even still around?

I just want to go, and to fade away, I am very afraid of death and what happens..but lately I would think living like this another year or many more years would somehow be worse...I'm so very, very, lost. I am so numb. I do not care.

I do not like the idea of starting from point A in my life with a therapist..going through all this pain again..I do not even know If I will make it to see a therapist, that is how truly bad I feel.

I thought by venting it here I would feel better..usually by the time I type out my feelings..my mind has cleared...this is not the case.

It is so very odd having my depression..it is my worst enemy and yet it has been with me all this time..like always hovering above me...I'm so lost, very lost.

I have no love of my work anymore...I feel like just not going anymore...I come home and I have nothing..and no one. In a way I guess this is the life I created for myself. I know it is up to me to get myself out of this depression. and I have tried..lord have I tried.

When I was young depression sort of had this hold over me. It was something I was told that I was doing just to get attention...and as a teenager..there could have ben some truth to that...but it was attention to get help..now it is a much different monster. I no longer can deal with and overcome my depression..it is like quick sand..and I'm too knee deep in it.

I have prayed so many times and cried...I wonder if anything out there higher than me is ever listening...and sometimes scared that if there is not something higher than me..if there is nothing after this life...then I spent nearly my whole life in this state of misery..what type of life is this??

When I cried to Andrew the past two nights he thought, as did I, that I would have to go to the hospital..my gut and stomach and heart hurt so bad from crying..I was wailing and sobbing.

For a second I thought of going to an institution..maybe that is right for me.

I am at a breaking point. I am so lost and confused and numb.

I thought about people's reactions to my death if I was to pass away and it made me cry..I do not want to hurt people..I am not selfish..I did nothing but care for everyone in my life...I guess I cared too much and that was my downfall...because I never ever once shifted that concern to me.

I am hurt. I am so very, very lost.

If you are reading this and going through a depression...I feel your pain...I know your pain...I cannot take this pain. I do not wish this on anyone...there is nothing worse than battling the demons in your head...at least if you are battling someone yo can physically confront it and end it and even feel a release...but I cannot seem to shake what follows me everyday in my head. Imagine having you worst enemy beside you everyday, taunting you, putting you down...telling you that you are a nobody.

I take walks with Dante and I look up and just stare at the sky...so beautiful..this world is for the most part..yet I never seemed to find my way in it...and feeling very small in the whole scheme of things...feeling so insignificant.

My tears are covering my eyes too much to keep on typing..and Im quickly realizing there is nothing I can write to convey to anyone what my heart is feeling.

I want to feel nothing.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

There are no words to answer that, and never have been, no matter what the common wisdom says. It's a pain that cannot be measured, cannot be described, cannot be shared; it is a pain that cannot be borne -- and yet somehow, over the generations, people have managed to bear it.

I've borne it -- and can't say how; I just did. Somewhere... some me I never met before and haven't seen since lifted the me I know just enough to get me by. I hated him/me for it, because getting by meant it went on, and on, in a darkness so devastatingly unique I couldn't even express it to myself, but so common that people I hardly knew quietly said, "I've been there", and the hideous horror in their eyes told me it was true.

Brian, it can't be borne -- but somehow it can. That's a paradox, I know, but life is full of them.

Just one more step, one more breath, keep going. Why? I won't give you any fancy reasons; the docs are full of wisdom, yet full of shit; I won't go there. I just know this: going on, keeping on, is what men do.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I feel so bad for you. I am very concerned for your well being and I wish you would call for some professional help now. There is a good possibility that part of your depression is biology based, meaning that medications are the only way to put it in check. Of course I'm in no position to determine that, but a professional can. Nobody has tried harder than you to deal with your depression on your own, but unfortunately it's just a little more than you can handle without help. With professional help I know you can get this under control and begin to lead the life that you so want. Your future is so bright; you just need a little help to get you there. I really think it would help you to talk to someone now. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 784-2433 (800-SUICIDE). I certainly don't think it would hurt you to talk to them. You should definitely pursue the options your medical plans offers in the morning. Even if you are feeling better in the morning, you need to get some professional help. I truly wish you the best and I wish there was more that I could do for you. Anyone who has followed this post knows what a wonderful, kind hearted person you are. I know you can be happy. Just take the first step and ask for help.

PS - Please give us a daily update for the next few days so that we know you are OK.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,
You have battled your depression for years, and you know it will pass. It will get better, and you know the clouds will lift. And you know that there is nothing you can do but to let time take it's course. Your despair is real, but it will get better. Trust yourself.

The last part of your post is incredible ( from the point where you state "It is so very odd having my depression") To me, it describes the demon of depression to a "T". You could help others. I know the clouds are heavy right now, but when they lift you might consider helping others fight depression. I know you're busy with work and school ( school and school?) but perhaps one night a month as a volunteer with GMHC http://www.gmhc.org/volunteer.html or another organization might be beneficial to both you and others.

It will get better, you are a positive influence on many, especially to many of your school children. But by all means don't be afraid to ask for help. Go to an emergency room if need be - your family and friends do not need to know.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, Buddy ...

I KNOW where you are! I've been there, too! Many ... many ... times! So ... why am I still Here? I have to credit my insatiable curiousity! I can't imagine "leaving the theater" until I find out what happens next! I am bound, and deterimined, to stay Here until the end of the Movie! And I'll be Damned if Anyone, including Me, is going to kick me out! I'm not about to end it myself because I know there is another "end" coming. And I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure I get to see it! I figure that after all I've gone through, thus far, that's the least I deserve to get to see!

The only Constant is "CHANGE"! And, yes, there are Tomorrows yet to come! Will they be Good? Will they be Bad?? Who knows??? But I'm determined to find out!!

My Depression has become a dark, warm, Dangerous, friend! In some ways, I almost look forward to it's coming! I can withdraw into what seems like a "safe" place, from the rest of the world. It's almost a defense mechanism. Eventhough I KNOW it is NOT as "Safe" as it feels! And when I am once again in a better place, where I can look back objectively, I am astounded at how comfortable sliding down a slippery, treacherous, slope can be! And THAT helps me to "wait", and continue climbing out of it, over, and over, again!

I have been extremely fortunate that "My" Kev has been by my side for the last 24yr.! And even with Him by me, I still have those times that I withdraw into my Shell! And though it has nothing to do with Him, and He finally understands that, I still end up hurting Him when it happens! In a way, You are "lucky" that you're currently "alone"! I know that may sound strange! But, at least, you're not casting that dark shadow over the people you love, as strongly as you might be, if they were right by your side. Do not doubt, though, that they are still feeling, and sensing it, even at a distance. As are "We", even in the Cyber-World! Though you may feel like it, You are NOT Alone!! Never forget that!!

Is it Tough? Yeah! Does it Hurt? Yeah!! Will it Pass? Yeah!!! There is ALWAYS a Tomorrow! And there is ALWAYS that possibility, that maybe, just maybe, that Tomorrow has the Potential to surpass your Wildest Dreams, and Hopes! There is ALWAYS that Chance! Are you really willing to pass that up??

Are YOU "Worth" it?? Damn Right YOU are!!! YOU are the Only Brian that YOU are!! There has never been, nor will there ever be, another YOU! And whether You feel it at the moment, or not, YOU are "priceless" beyond compare! YOU have more of a postive impact on those You interact with than You can possibly imagine! The premature loss of YOU would be a Tragedy beyond Your comprehension! If not for You, at least for "Them", the people in Your Life, You being an integral part of Their Lives, "keep your seat" 'til the Movie comes to it's own conclusion! That's the "least" You can do, Buddy!

Yeah! Your post, obviously, has gotten Me concerned! And I don't even "Know" You, Bro! Just goes to prove, there are ripples, within the ripples, that we can't even fathom!

So ... PLEASE, Bri! ... "Hang in There" and keep "talking" to "Us"! We DO want to hear from You! (group)

And though this may sound trite ... at this particular moment ... no matter what ... seriously ...

Keep smilin'!! :kiss: (*8*)
Chaz ;)
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I'm worried about you. It's ok dude. I know you miss him and that you want a person to love you. From what I've read, you're a great guy. You'll find someone. If you lived around me and were closer to my age, I'd would hook up with you. I know you're depressed. Trust me, I know what it's like. Trust me I've been diagnosed with chronic depression at a young age. All you can do is look at the bright side of your life. At least you have a friend you will always care about you, even though he lives all those miles away. Sometimes, all a depressed person needs is someone to confide in, to talk to. If you'll let me, I would like to try to help you. PM me if you ever want someone to talk to.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks for the concern, I did not mean to worry anyone.

Yesterday, Andrew called to tell me about his first day.

"I wanted you to be the first one to hear about my day," he said.

He told me, "Bri, this job is perfect...I do not do much, they are very nice, they even gave me my own cell phone....it was just great...."

I muster up a very weak, "Oh get out, that is so awesome...I'm so proud of you...you deserve it."

And he did deserve it...he has been through a lot these past few years financially.

But as it usually does in these situations my depression reared it's ugly head.

He noticed I seemed down and he said he figured that this was going to be my reaction.

I started crying on the phone, realizing how concrete things are now. The chances of him coming back are slim, and the chances of me taking a big paycut just to do the same job, by heading to Vegas are slim.

I cried, "where were these type of jobs when I was there? If there were, everything would be different..."

He said he was starting to get down a little bit. I told him I was being a big baby, and I was. I knew he wasn't down and called him on it and he said he wasn't.

I told him to go home to his wife and tell her about his day...that he deserves people around him that will be happy about it and I didn't want to ruin his day.

He said he would call me later...and I knew he wasn't going to call and he didn't.

You see I know Andy like a book.

In a very big way he liked that I was so down about his job. He saw it as "Ok now Bri will be so upset he will be dying to come out here.."

I took Dante for a long walk and thought that all this crap needs to stop.

Im loving someone who will never love me back the same way.

His life is moving on and mine is not.

I need therapy.

It is hard, but with therapy and making my own friends here and dating here will hopefully take my heart and mind away from him.

He is obviously doing best for him and I need to be doing best for me.

I took a Tylenol PM and had a nice sleep actually.

I woke up on a good head.

I am fighting what I would normally do in these situations. I am not avoiding calls. I am going to say what I'm feeling. If I am sad I am sad, if I am happy, I'm happy.

I am not going to kill myself over stuff that can never be.

Andy called me at school today from his work. I answered happy because I was...school was taking my mind off shit for once.

He said, "Bri I woke up pretty down today..the first thing I thought about was you...I have so many plans for me and you out here.."

I told him, "Bro don't feel bad at all...good things are happening for us both...I feel happier now that I am more concrete with how our plans are going...at least I have some focus now...."

"More concrete how Brian?", he asked.

"More concrete in my plans to stay here and build a life...I feel like a weight has been lift off my shoulders..."
He did not seem to like that at all and said he would speak to me later in the day.

"Sure thing buddy", I said....knowing full well that call will never come.

Like I said...I know Andy like a book. Like a sad little pop-up book.

He is "punishing" me tonight and probably for the weekend by not calling. Since he was down when I called and I wasn't, that made him upset. Silly games I know, but it proves he is not happy without me.

I am staying cool tonight. I am bored, admittedly, but keeping my head ok.

I will vent all my shit now to a therapist.......and not to Andy.

I told Andy that it seems things are concrete now for us. I told him that I will always have a special little place in my heart for him....always.

He told me he is not happy because he has no one to share his job with and to hang out with. And who's getting married in a year?

But I digress...that's his cross to bear, not mine.

He knows I am alone and the weekends are the hardest for me but I'm trying to change that. I am going to try hard to make friends, and see what happens....

It is hard...there will be days my heart falls for him, but hopefully those days will decrease.

I never in my life knew I could love someone and miss someone so much. Hopefully I can soon be saying that about someone else I meet in my life.

Brian
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri, it seems to me you got to liking his dependence on you, just a bit.

Remember one thing, though: in this culture, people change jobs and move fairly often. Him getting solid there and you where you are doesn't mean you'll never be together again.
Though I understand the loss, dude; it gets harder for me all the time to call my best buddy in Indiana, because he's settled in there where he has extended family all over, and I so dearly love the coast. There's gladness in talking, but the growing likelihood that this separation is going to be permanent that the pain just keeps increasing.
And I'm not even in love with him!
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I'm so thankful that you're keeping us updated, through the thick-and-thin, the good-and-bad, of it all. I have no doubt that your openness about your odyssey has affected some choices that others may have made in their own life-journeys. This isn't limited to those who post on your thread, because you may well be affecting an unknown number of lurkers/readers who have never posted in this thread.

Reading your Friday post was reassuring, after I had seen your previous post and I wanted to respond, but I didn't know how. There was a line in your current post that made me go ..| ..| ..|

"I will vent all my shit now to a therapist.......and not to Andy."

That tells me that you have moved at least a step closer to finding somebody who is trained to "hear people out" and to encourage them to express themselves. I don't remember which ones also have the M.D. license and can therefore prescribe drugs; I know that a psychiatrist is licensed for that but I'm not sure about a psychologist or therapist. Stress can be a factor causing body chemistry to go "off" and cause depression because of an imbalance of hormones and/or metabolism, and though I don't think these imbalances can be perfectly diagnosed yet, I've had a number of friends and acquaintances and "friends of friends" who have had very favorable results from meds that corrected imbalances.

"It is hard...there will be days my heart falls for him, but hopefully those days will decrease. I never in my life knew I could love someone and miss someone so much. Hopefully I can soon be saying that about someone else I meet in my life."

And you will, Brian. Give it time, give it a chance. A kind soul deserves the best, and you most certainly deserve to be loved fully. Again I (and many of us) thank you for reconsidering your decision, and talking to us. I haven't been in JUB much lately, but I wanted to share this.

Andy's outlook may change as well, now that he has a job. This can ONLY mean better things for him, because no doubt he had more time to feel down when his attention was focused "on Brian" and whatever was wrong in his life. You even alluded to that in your last post, when you said that "school was taking my mind off shit for once" - and I'm sure that Andy's job will help him similarly.

I'll be here and I wish the best for everybody who is part of this journey.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I went through this. The man I loved and dreamed about and thought had feelings for me got a girlfriend and began to loudly broadcast his sex life to me. Then one night he turned to me, told me he wanted me and tried to have sex with me. I said leave the bitch first. When I came to visit a few days later there was a condom wrapper on the floor, proof. That was pretty much when I ended it and changed into a very different person. I think the reason you've held onto this unavailable and probably not entirely straight man is because you were not entirely gay or entirely ready to have a real relationship. And, as long as you're pining for this joker, you never will.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well, around 3:30am my time, 12:30pm his time..Andrew called me.

He seemed a little down and he said several times that he was lost.

We both did not go into things, but it was under the surface.

He said he hopes one day he can get a house.

I said, "We both will buddy, we are both in good places..."

He said, "Well at least you definitely will.."

He said, "I like this job but I don't want to work there or these hours for a long time..I want to go into real estate..."

Our talk went on and on, his girl kissed him goodnight while I was talking to him..and he soon retired about 20 minutes later.

I am kind of sad a little too.

Andrew and I were supposed to do real estate together...make money together. He was supposed to show me how to sell, I was supposed to help him with the tests and the classes.

I am kind of sad that dream might not happen. What has me more down is that Andy might go ahead on that dream, just without me...am I totally off base in saying I don't want him to make all that money and start real estate without me??

I need advice guys..

Brian
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Bri,

I've posted on your thread like twice before, and I just wanted to let you know that I have never stopped reading. I am going to be frank here, and I'd understand if you choose not to continue reading this...

Since things hit home to me - it is sometimes painful for me to read - however, I continue to read because I, like everyone else, care about you. Trust me, I would never have continued reading if I didn't care - it's almost as if I know you personally.

I have never provided any advice because I feel like everyone else has said it - and we can all say it till we're blue in the face, though, it's also up to you to take that advice. Now - it's all about you Brian. *You* are what matters here, not Andy, not anyone else. You come first and foremost, and you haven't made that choice yet.

Unfortunately, love cannot be conquered. We all felt it, and sometimes it is reciprocated, and sometimes - it is not. Remember - you can't let the pain and resentment overcome you. The more you do so, the more you build walls. It's not doing Andy, or you, any good.

Try to see the beauty of life through your eyes. At least start by trying to see it through the eyes of the ones who are closest to you - those who care about you, and those who bring you joy.

You love Andy, yet it has brought you nothing but pain - you certainly aren't seeing the beauty of life through his eyes. This isn't the kind of love that nurtures you. He isn't doing anything to foster it, and neither are you. Love is never complete unless someone completes the circle and loves you back.

Brian - this isn't reality. It's a fantasy, nor is it how life i smeant to be - life is precious. Live it. Love it. Learn it. It's not a bowlful of cherries, it's a lot of lessons learned - meant to prepare us for whatever comes next in the whole scheme of things.

Here is the painful reality - you will never stop loving Andy, and you will always carry a torch for him. We all understand what that feels like. There is that old cliche, "time heals old wounds, " or, "It gets easier with time." - not necessarily. It's all in how you choose to channel that love. It's all in how you choose to carry it. It's all in how you choose to accept it - and deal with it.

You might want to take a step back Brian - and understand that you can't continue to live the dream through Andy's eyes. You need to have your own sweet dreams. Take care.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Texan and everyone else, thanks for the advice.

I am feeling much better today, largely do to a talk with Andrew last night and to another friend today.

First, Andrew called me last night and I admitted to him that I was down. He sounded down too.

He said he doesn't want to go to work on Monday and that while the job is ok, he doesn't want to work there too much longer.

We both talked about why were down.

To make it short here and to sum it up, he told me "I wish I never met you...because then I wouldn't know the heartache of missing you.........I grew very close to you Bri, I can't take this....."

We did manage to get the talk going to me coming out there this summer, or maybe next year or two years from now. He conceded he wants me out there this summer, as fast as possible.


He said his mom came for three hours just to get her stuff out of the garage she used to keep there. He said he didn't care that she stayed short and i wasn't much of a visit.

We talked some more, changed the heavy topic, joked around, at one point with him saying, "you can always make me laugh, no matter how far down I am..."

It was a great talk, because we were just being honest with each other.......

I woke up today knowing how to get out of my depression for good. Get healthy, change my life, save some money, look for a man of my own. And I used to get down when I thought about Andy getting married and having kids...but lately, and with the help of a good online friend, realized that through Andrew and my younger brother and my work I will have my fair share of kids...and that I won't miss the times when the kids are sick, or bitching, or asking for money or I cant travel too much. This online friend has kids of her own and said having kids can and will change your life, mostly for the better. But there are times she wishes she didn't have any.

Guys, unless I am with the guy of my dreams and he wants to have kids, I can't picture in the near future having kids. I look forward to caring for these other kids in my life. I know Andy's kids will treat me like a second dad and I will treat them like my own..there will be some fulfillment in that.

I still need therapy and I'm calling tomorrow...although I think I kind of found the reasons for my depression and my own way to of it.

Like I stated many times, I will always carry a special place for Andrew in my heart.

I am even lucky to have him in my life period, he knows me like a book as I do him. He knows my weaknesses and strengths, the right and wrong buttons to push, when I'm fibbing and when I'm being honest. It is so good to have someone in my life like that...it's so warming to know he will always be in my life and care and love me for who I am. And he has more than that in me.

TTYL guys, Bri
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

LostVegas said:
I still need therapy and I'm calling tomorrow...although I think I kind of found the reasons for my depression and my own way to of it.
Click to expand...

Brian, I'm glad you are feeling better and things are going better with Andy. In regard to your comment above, I'm very concerned that you are talking yourself out of getting help again. Knowing what is causing your depression and being able to resolve the issues are two different things. You have been working for years to deal with it on your own and unfortunately have not been successful. I strongly believe that some of your issues are most likely biological and there is nothing you can do on your own to solve those. Many, many times in this post you have said that you are going to get some help, but have not followed through. I have followed this post from day one and I know if you don't get some professional help you are just going to keep repeating the pattern of depression. You can either choose to do nothing or you can choose to get well. I'm sorry to be so rough, but I hate to see you continue as you are. I would like nothing more than to see you truly happy. Good luck.
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys back with an update of sorts.

Any and I continued to speak to each other all week.

On Thursday night he came home and said that the company he worked for needed to improve sales. He said he saw a memo and asked his boss about it.

She said she didn't know anything.

On Friday, I got a call from Andrew at 1pm my time. I knew something was up as he never calls me at that time.

He told me the company folded. The head honcho from California came in fired everyone, including Andrew.

At first me and his girl called B.S.(I actually thought it, she's the one who actually called it) and she called the company and sure enough it folded.

He cant seem to get a break out there, he is considering coming home, but might try and stick it out. Now he is stuck with payments to make on this second car, the one he got from his work.


Brian
 
Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Bri glad to see you are doing okay.
 
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