Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

YOWZA - I would never ask friends for $10,000.00 (that's just me). First of all, money and friendships do not mix because there ends up being some sort of subconscious question/confusion over what the friendship is based on.

Brian - I know that you love Andy, however, the reason why you have trepidation over Andy coming back to NYC is the fact that - deep down inside - you know that it will make things worse. Deep down inside - you know that you have to move on, and deep down inside, you know that the reason why you love him is because he can't love you back, and that all stems from your whatever bad experiences you've had in life.

Last of all, you know that Andy is controlling, and people who make decisions based on "doing it for someone else" is a lame excuse. We all have to make decisions because of what WE want - not placing blame, responsibility, or guilt on others. He owns his life. He owns his decisions - not you - and the same goes with two people who are sharing their loves and their lives for one another. One can't place the responsibility or outcome of his decisions on someone else like he has.

Lastly - I am not a trained professional - it's just my personal perception. I am getting really pissed off at Andy and I don't even know him! Brian - I hope and pray to God that you can pull yourself together - and that you'll keep that appointment with that professional. You know you have to do it if you feel like you can't make it through the day.

Sorry if I sound so blunt - but I care.


Please take this for what it is - I'm not trained - it's just my own perception.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

In fact my therapist appt. is next week.

...

Maybe therapy will help.

Brian, this is great news. I'm so glad that you made an appointment. I'm sure that therapy will be a great help. I know you have tried therapy in the past, but I don't think you were ready at the time to open up about being gay. I think this will give you a fresh start. Just remember to be totally open. I would recommend that you print this entire thread and give it to your therapist. I think it would really bring him/her up to speed on your situation and thereby allow the therapy to be more effective. I wish you the best with your therapy.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andrew and I spoke all last night and throughout the day today.

I was trying to support him and tell him everything will be ok, not be down, a job will come along soon and he has a lot to be grateful for. When he asked what...I said for starters you found the person you want to be with the rest of your life and you are getting married and will start a family soon, how great is that??

He goes I guess you think that's great. There are tons of fucking things about ******* that I hate. She is boring in every which way and she doesn't do anything I want to do, even the little, small things...all she does is sit in the house"

I kind of thought that quote was interesting. Shows me that whether he is gay or even straight, that he is just in this at this point because he is comfortable and does not want to rock the boat.


Brian

 

[damanryan30]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Perhaps I missed this somewhere in all the post, but does he know directly in real words that you're "gay"?

If not, I think he needs to hear those exact words,if your friendship is as powerful as it appears then you being gay won't make a bit of difference. Tell him right out that you are gay and that you love him more then as a brother, but you love him as a partner in life. At this point you don't have anything to lose, but the cards will be on the table. This needs to happen or you're going to continue in this circle forever. Since he hasn't heard these words, and you being the bigger person this could be why he hasn't directly admitted to his true feelings himself.

You've got nothing to lose except not having to take anything to help you get a real good nights sleep, you'll fall asleep on your own with relief.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Perhaps I missed this somewhere in all the post, but does he know directly in real words that you're "gay"?

If not, I think he needs to hear those exact words,if your friendship is as powerful as it appears then you being gay won't make a bit of difference. Tell him right out that you are gay and that you love him more then as a brother, but you love him as a partner in life. At this point you don't have anything to lose, but the cards will be on the table. This needs to happen or you're going to continue in this circle forever. Since he hasn't heard these words, and you being the bigger person this could be why he hasn't directly admitted to his true feelings himself.

You've got nothing to lose except not having to take anything to help you get a real good nights sleep, you'll fall asleep on your own with relief.

DAMANRyan30- I told him that I was gay and that I was in love with him over a year ago now, it is somewhere in the early stages of this thread. His reaction was fine to both.

brian

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andrew and I spoke all last night and throughout the day today.

I was trying to support him and tell him everything will be ok, not be down, a job will come along soon and he has a lot to be grateful for. When he asked what...I said for starters you found the person you want to be with the rest of your life and you are getting married and will start a family soon, how great is that??

He goes I guess you think that's great. There are tons of fucking things about ******* that I hate. She is boring in every which way and she doesn't do anything I want to do, even the little, small things...all she does is sit in the house"

I kind of thought that quote was interesting. Shows me that whether he is gay or even straight, that he is just in this at this point because he is comfortable and does not want to rock the boat.


Brian

Bri, if he's like that now, that marriage is already doomed.
You don't get married so as not to rock the boat, unless you're in a culture where marriages are arranged. He's heading for trouble.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys, thought I would drop in for a quick hello and an update.

Been going to therapy(once a week). I do not like it. Don't know for sure if it's the actualy therapist or the act of going. I am going to stick it out for a few and see, and then maybe switch therapists.

On the Andrew front his dad is in town for a few days and Andrew has hit rock bottom in terms of life: this includes jobs, money, his future, life without me.

We have been having our usual talks, even talking a lot more lately.

He just phoned me to tell me that I am the most important person in his life and always will be and he added "you are the most important person to me, even more important than my fiancee...that should tell you something Bri"

But what exactly DOES it tell me? Is he in love with me? Is this just my best friend being friendly? Or is this double talk from a straight guy? I don't really know. I let the comment slide off my brain as I get myself into trouble analyzing Andrew's thoughts too much.

Talk to you guys lata...Brian

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Brian,

Thanks for the update. I'm very glad to hear that you have been going to therapy. I think something would be seriously wrong with you if you liked going, especially during the first few weeks. Give it some time, I'm sure it will get better. Remember, you are not there to like it, you're there to get help.

Regarding Andy's comment, I would take it with a grain of salt. There are some people that say things like that because they feel it at the moment, but five minutes later they can be feeling something totally different. For me, actions speak louder than words and his actions don't match his words.

Good luck with the therapy.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Vette good to see you on here again....Andrew and I had a long nice talk last night.

He called me this morning to talk while he was out(his girl was in the bank, he was waiting in the car)his fiancee came in the car and he quickly rushed me off the phone. As always he cannot talk the way he talks to me around her.

He called 5 minutes later and said "Sorry bro about that...listen M******(his fiancee) would leave me if she ever knew this but you are the only one in my life that brings a smile to my face, and I miss you so much it hurts...."


VETTE-*TRYING* really trying...to take things with a grain of salt.

BRIAN

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hope the therapy is going well. Wouldn't it be great if you could stop obsessing about him and finally be free? I have to give you guys this much, you have the most intense co-dependent relationship I've ever read about.

Have you ever thought about just not talking to one another for a month and see if you might be actually able to develop a life outside that particular bubble?

Or why not write letters. At least that way there would be a literary element to all this if either of you bother to keep them and they are discovered in an attic someday?

Sermo Villis. Vinum Pretio sum est.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hope the therapy is going well. Wouldn't it be great if you could stop obsessing about him and finally be free? I have to give you guys this much, you have the most intense co-dependent relationship I've ever read about.

Have you ever thought about just not talking to one another for a month and see if you might be actually able to develop a life outside that particular bubble?

Or why not write letters. At least that way there would be a literary element to all this if either of you bother to keep them and they are discovered in an attic someday?

Sermo Villis. Vinum Pretio sum est.

Wutcha tawkin bout Villis?? What does that mean bro?..I wanna know

We have thought about taking a break from each other several times, and it never worked out.

It would be nice if I can stop obsessing about him. I think, even though it still exisits, that my obsession is not as strong as it once was.

 

[frankfrank]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Brian,

Thanks for the update. I'm very glad to hear that you have been going to therapy. I think something would be seriously wrong with you if you liked going, especially during the first few weeks. Give it some time, I'm sure it will get better. Remember, you are not there to like it, you're there to get help.

Regarding Andy's comment, I would take it with a grain of salt. There are some people that say things like that because they feel it at the moment, but five minutes later they can be feeling something totally different. For me, actions speak louder than words and his actions don't match his words.

Good luck with the therapy.

I second the motion! (i.e. I agree completely)

All in favor say AYE...

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well Im trying my best to take things with a grain of salt...for most on here it seems easier said that done...believe me I am trying but thanks for the advice.
BRIAN

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey fellas. What's doing? I just want you to know that even though I am sticking with therapy and it feels good to talk, that sometimes in between therapy sessions I need to vent and have no one to talk to and seek guidance..so that is what these posts will be about.

Andrew called me last night. "Bri I feel so bad I want to kill myself...I am so down."

I assured him that everything will be ok and that I know he is going through a bad funk. I told him it is good he called me...and I told him to go hang with one of his friends. He said he was already on his way to hang out with his friend Danny.

He goes, "Bri...I love you like a brother and I know between best friends there is supposed to be love to some extent, but the love I have for you is scary and unreal..."

****Breaking out my big ole' bag of grainy salt****

We talked for a little more and I told him to call me later if he wants.

He called 6am my time, 3am his time. He said he went to his friends and he is still down and now he was home. I asked him what his friend said and he said "He told me to have faith in God..." His friend Danny is a god fearing guy and I think born again Christian who also happens to be a major gambler.

"So he told you to have faith in God then off he went to the poker tables huh?", I said.

Andrew got a little mad at that comment because I was using this time to take a pot shot at one of his loser friends. Point taken, so I got off the topic.

He talked about how he was hit on by a flamboyantly gay guy in the supermarket. He said the guy liked how he dressed and was hitting on him. He said his fiancee was there and was laughing and loving it and pretended like she didn't know who he was. He said he told the guy, "I'm sorry man I am married.."

He said he mentioned it to me because I would get a real kick out of it.

But for some reason it didn't. And I got sad. He asked why I was down. I said the gay guy story. And he is like why? And I just said there is no need to bring it up. And there wasn't...why would I wan to break my heart all over again?

I admittedly got cold after that and wished him a good night.

Something like that reminds me more than ever that I have been a fucking idiot. I get drawn in by his words...pushed away by his actions(or lack o actions). It's a constant tug of war in my mind that I have been through for far too long.

My shield needs to be stronger to bounce any of those kind words he says away from my heart.

Andrew's situation is grim. He has no money to either of their names. He got into a fight with some people in his complex this week and they(him and his fiancee) both want to move as it is becoming filed with hoodlems and thugs. They have 60 bucks to their name, they just paid the bills. April 12th is a date they need money by.

For the past few days he has been asking me to try and get a loan..for me to come out there and for me to give some of it to him, so we can all start our lives. While I did think about it, I am not keen on the idea at all. I also cannot give him anymore money...if I was to give him anymore money I would have to take a seriously long break from talking to him. But I don't see me lending him another penny. I guess when he asks me for money a great way to remember the state I am in is to think about his wedding and when the gay guy hit on him and his reaction...that will assuredly wake me up.

I spoke with his mom and she called the wedding they are planning a sham. She thinks because they have been together so long, it doesn't even matter anymore. She asked how her son was doing and I said "Broke..." and she said, "well what else is new...and these two are getting married in a year?"

I think it is a sham for other reasons...gay or not..at the heart of it he doesn't love his fiancee the way you should if you are about to get married. Yes they love each other but it is a comfortable love. I don't think he is IN love with her anymore.

But I digress....talk to you guys soon. Brian

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I get drawn in by his words...pushed away by his actions(or lack o actions). It's a constant tug of war in my mind that I have been through for far too long.

Hi Brian,

You really encapsulized my thought about his actions speaking louder than words in the comment above. You just need to remember your words above whenever he says those things that draw you in. Until his actions start matching his words, keep that big bag of salt nearby.

I can understand why the supermarket incident got you down. Once again Andy made it clear that he was straight and not interested in a gay guy. It's a reality that you haven't fully accepted yet. I would definitely discuss this with your therapist.

With regard to more money, I can't believe you don't get as pissed off at these requests as I do. The nerve to complain about the apartment complex after you gave him all that money to make it happen. My guess is that they haven't been paying the rent and have to move soon. As I have said many times, there are plenty of jobs that Andy can get. Andy doesn't want to himself so why should you sacrifice. If I were you, I would tell him you don't appreciate how he abused your friendship by asking for money and to never ask you for another dime. This money issue is another one you should focus on with the therapist. If you can resolve your need to give him money, you will go a long way to resolving all your issues.

Good luck!

 

[Caution]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I had it for my best friend's younger brother. I wanted to marry him and this went on for years now I can care less. I moved on to another str8y

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys.

So yesterday I fought off my depression enough to actually go out of the house for a few hours. I was invited to a PPV party, Wrestlemania XXIII more specifically.
I actually had a decent time. I checked my phone on my home from the party, and I see I had 5 missed calls from Andy. The phone was on vibrate so I did not hear. Plus the PPV was LOUD.

Anyway I get home and I really am so tired I just hit the sheets.

Andrew called a few times but I let it go, because I was so tired from the night. After a few more attempts on his part I picked up the phone. We talked about the PPV a little then I said something to him out of the blue.

I said, "Bro I really cannot lend you anymore money or even consider getting this loan for you...you know how I feel about both...and any more money spent will keep me out here for good."

Andrew got more anxious the more and more I spoke. His girl came in to get his attention but he snapped at her and left the house while talking to me.

He took a LONG walk while talking. We talked over 3 hours. He tried to make me see the benefits of the loan some more.

I asked him this. "What if you were to ask your friends, in Vegas or in NYC to even help you out with a fraction of what I did..what would they say?? And then on top of that to ask them for a loan?? What would they say??"

He said, "They would say no...but my friendship with them is not the same as my friendship with you...we are so close WE ARE KIND OF MARRIED, WITHOUT ACTUALY BEING MARRIED , that is how many ups and downs we have been through."



Ok, my deflector shield was on high and what's left in my bag of grainy salt was by my side.

I told him I had problems also. He took several wrong guesses as to what and then just said, "Bri is it about what you told me a while back...are you still having those problems? Do you still have feelings for me?"


The way he asked it I can tell he already knew the answer. I said, "you are the one bringing that shit up not me..." and he goes, "I know...Bri that stuff you told me really only bothered me for a split second..I don't care..don't let it bother you, it doesn't bother me...it is no problem...in fact I have the real problem..I am going to be out on the street soon."

Anyway we talked through the night until 9A.M. my time. We did speak again just now...and it is the same shit. He is terribly down.

I do still have feelings for him..and I think, along with therapy, if I came out and worked out my feelings with him...it might help. I know part of it is moving on to another guy...someone to distract me...but the thing is if I do that Andrew gets extremely jealous.

For instance I hung out with a friend a few days ago, and Andrew called a few times but I did not answer in front of this friend. I get home and Andrew is like "How come you did not pick up the phone??? Bri, I don't care if you guys are fucking, pick up the phone and talk to me.."

He doesn't like anyone coming between us, much less increasing the chances that someone will distract me and change my plans from going to Vegas eventually.

Anyway, that is it for now....will talk to you guys soon.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Been going through a lot in my head, will talk mostly in therapy this week.

But I think tomorrow I am going to talk to Andrew about my feelings that I have been having and maybe I can work it out.

Andrew and I talked for 3 hours last night and he re-iterated how his life cannot go on without me.

I'm going to have to tell him that my feelings resurfaced...or should I just keep it to myself?

BRIAN

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Don't you realize that Andy is playing you for a complete and utter fool. I've said before that you have the most unbelievable co-dependent relationship....it takes the cake. Just keep the money tap turned off and see how long it is before andy gloms on to some other sucker who can let a psychopath like him get away with it for a while longer.

For God's sake get a life and move on.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Don't you realize that Andy is playing you for a complete and utter fool. I've said before that you have the most unbelievable co-dependent relationship....it takes the cake. Just keep the money tap turned off and see how long it is before andy gloms on to some other sucker who can let a psychopath like him get away with it for a while longer.

For God's sake get a life and move on.

I might be wrong in my response, as it is hard to read between the lines just by reading words.

First of all the "money tap" is turned off. Do you read?

Second of all, he is not a fucking psychopath. You know nothing.

Lastly, yeah I do need a life, but who are you to be the one to dispense that great advice in the callous tone to which you have.


BRIAN