Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andrew and I spoke again last night.

I told him that I will be coming to see him in August and I will stay longer this time for my visit. He said that. "I guess I'm pretty much setting myself up for a world of hurt by thinking you are coming out here...I guess I'm in denial..."

As I was talking to him on his cell he went into his car and to the video store...his fiancee called him on his cell the minute he stepped out to ask where he was going...he said to the video store(which was true)...and she said "Ummmm ok that seems a little odd..."

Andrew came back to me on the cell and started cursing her out...saying that she's a fucking bitch that thinks he is going to go cheat on her...why would he go cheat on her with his hair messed up, wearing sandals and raggedy shorts:, he asked me...

He goes, "I really wish I was single, you don;t know how good you have it Bri...I do not know how it is in gay relationships...but mine is fucking boring...I wish I was single...If I was single I would take you and go traveling around the world...that would be my dream..to go hit and visit each of the 50 states and some countries...we would have the best time..."

Anyway we kept talking...then eventually I got tired and hung up. We talked briefly today...ttyl guys...BRIAN

P.S.-Even though my head is SO much clearer now as o me and where I should be...I will still update you guys about things with me...and even with Andrew...for the few left who are still wondering...and it can be a nice place to vent if I have to...thanks you for letting me do that. Peace.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well update time.

I can comfortably, without a doubt, finally be able to say to you guys on here that I have totally come to terms with it all.

I am more focused on me than ever. I have been new car researching, I am signing up for my last 3 Master's classes next week...and I am committed for the foreseeable future(2-3yrs) for settling down here and staying in NYC.

This week was an odd one for me and Andrew.

We kind of just "drifted" apart this week...and it was no one's fault. Vacation was over and I had work again...and I was determined to get sleep, so I was going to bed much earlier this week . And it paid off, because I felt a lot more OK in the morning.

Oh yeah, Andy and I would still talk here and there, but nothing like our marathon calls.

We both noticed the drifting/tension all week.

Eventually he gets to a point that he asks me for money this week . $500.00 to be exact. He tells me that he needs some help and also for me to think about getting a loan for him, as it would help his life out a lot and when he gets married he will use that money to further help himself out.

Hey Andrew, I thought to myself and finally told him, you ever once think about taking ANY of that fucking money and re-paying me anything you promised me too...and he says of course.

I laid into him. I laid into him but good. And he sat there and took it, because really, he had no choice.

Admittedly, and I do not know what this says about me, it felt good to lay into him. It was a long time coming.

We get passed that. We are ok again the next day, but the tension remains.

I have in no uncertain terms told Andrew this : "Bro...I love you to death. And there is no one on this earth I would do more for...but me. I need to focus on me. You turned my world upside down and I am emotionally, mentally and financially a fucking mess. I hope one day you save enough money and move back here. I am not giving you a loan and I cannot help you anymore."

He got extremely worried. We left it at that and then around midnight last night I get a call.

Tension is in the air...Andy is telling me yet again about ANOTHER fucking day he wasted doing shit out there. But hey, it is his problem now.

He tells me his fiancee is in the other room laughing her ass off watching Brokeback Mountain.

I watched that movie, and it didn't live up to the hype but it was not a bad movie either...in fact it was downright depressing and sad.

So I thought WTF?

I said "She's laughing at the movie? I didn't think there was anything in that movie that was really funny.."

He goes, "Well how was it?". I can tell Andrew was asking in the way that most unintelligent straight people ask...I knew by his tone what he meant...what he REALLY meant was "IS IT SAFE FOR ME TO WATCH THE MOVIE OR OH MY GOD!!! WILL I TURN GAY TOO!!!!!!" It's the same response that I get from straight people who are so afraid to say they found Will and Grace to be a funny show....wait a second...it's a gay show...gulp...AND IT'S FUNNY?????!?!?!

But anyway I say, "GOOD FOR HER..", in my most harsh tone I could.

My blood was boiling . And really, I could care less if his fucking fiancee finds two guys fucking funny...her opinion on such matters means shit to me really. No, my blood was boiling because tension was just slowly building.

After I said the GOOD FOR HER comment, he got angry with me and said he had to go.

Andrew, in his wisdom, and I think intentionally calls me at 4am in the morning. It starts off slow...he is down..he is sorry for putting me through this...blah blah, straight out of Andrew's Handbook 101.

I can't explain what exactly started it, or what came first, or what happened next..but we were knee deep in verbal tirades being thrown back and forth at each other . And I knew in the intensity of the talk that we both were pissed...we rarely get like this...but it was a long time coming. I told him to shut the fuck up and that he is a fake...he told me Bri sometimes I think you have two personalities...and my response to him was well which personality do you want?? I'm assuming it's the personality that gives you money all the time...

I was wrong with my comments...and Andrew said some hurtful things to me..so much so I was having a bad, bad breakdown at 5am. I told him that I have to get up in an hour and why was he doing this to me at this hour? I was sobbing so much that I was worried for myself. I really don't like to give into streotypes and stuff like that but if there is one such stereotype about me..and I don't know whether it is because I am gay or not...but I have a big heart and I'm so overly sensitive. I get pretty emotional for a rough, masculine guy. And I am fully ok with that...but my sensitive heart dwells on things and overanalyzes things and takes stuff to heart more then most...it' a double edged sword.

He saw how upset he made me and backtracked a lot...I will give it to Andrew...he makes the dumbest fucking mistakes I will ever know and says the most callous things at times but at the end of the day he has a decent heart. He truly does not like to hurt me. Yes he has put me through a lot of shit..but he truthfully does not like to hurt me.

He told me to stop crying and that he was sorry...we sort of were quiet the next half hour and we both got tired and hung up.

We spoke today...I was in a better mood..I told him of my plans for college and to buy a car and he got so down he almost cried himself. It is getting more and more official with him that I am not scrapping my whole life just to come be near him over there...and he is hurt. He is hurt big time...and a small part of me is ok with that because he has hurt me big time many times through the 4 years I have known him.

We were ok with each other today, and we promised to talk later...that's it for now, thanks for reading...BRIAN

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Awesome progress!

Yelling and calling him names isn't good communication, though. Try to describe to him what his behavior is putting you through -- "I agonize", "I totally stress", whatever.

I'm starting to see a bigger pattern to him, though, from your latest posts: he seems like a lot of guys I know, who have dreams, but won't bear down and take the steps between reality and the dream; instead they just sort of hope it will somehow just happen.
He has the ability to get from here to there... he just isn't applying himself.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Ok...update time.

For those of you still hanging in there, here is what happened in the past few days.

First off I actually had some type of life this weekend. I went to the auto show in NYC, then went to Dyker Park here in Brooklyn for a baseball game.

Ok, like I said before me and Andrew have been on and off all week...kind of cold to each other, but not on purpose.

Anyway one night, around 3am my time I woke up and felt the need to call Andrew. I was feeling like I had anxiety or a panic attack coming on I used to get them bad years ago).

I call him, it rings...I do not leave a message. I call him three times. Normally by this time he has his phone off. He calls me back a little while later and I just know that he came from a casino or some other no good place. He was driving around and I called him on it...he swore up and down he was doing the right thing, blah blah blah.

The next day he called and said he would never do the wrong thing and if he ever did, he would without a doubt tell me. I kind of apologized for going off on him.

Yesterday we speak very little. He asked how my weekend was..he asked if I could call later and help his girl out with his high school GED H.W.

I said sure. I watched I Love NY(ha ha bitch got screwed!! Love the mother though!), and then fell asleep.

I wake up to go to work at 6am. The phone rings at 6:05am and I know who it is without looking.

Andrew said that everyday without me feels like a slow death. He said we have the most unique and strong friendship of anyone he ever knows. He said he knows that I should not be his friend based on the fact that he used me in the beginning...he said he knows that he should be more upset with me that I told him I was in love with him...but he said somehow our friendship seems to work and he loves it. He said he misses me terribly. He said he is driving around and he is down. He said he had to stop at McDonalds to because he was so down.

I was kind of cold to even all of this and he goes, "I know for some reason you are playing tough guy..but I know you care, deep down I know you care."

"Bri...at this point I want to come home...I would risk my relationship and she would not want to be with me anymore...but I would do it.."

I told him that wasn't too smart to say.

He said he didn't care, that he would rather have me nearby even if it meant him and her not being together anymore.

He said he cannot move on and function without me...he said "I know it sounds odd...and weird...and I cannot explain it..but I need you near me in my life..."

It was time for me to go and I told him I had to cut it short much to his dismay.

I guess we will speak later today...

I started thinking that Andrew does not and must not want to get married at all...I mean how can he when he says he is willing to sacrafice an 8 year relationship, an engagement, a wedding and future with this girl JUST so he can have me in his life again...I dunno..what do you guys think?

Anyway hope all is well in JUB land, ttyl...BRIAN



The next

 

[Jimothy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I've only just recently started exploring this thread, and I must say I have so much admiration for you Brian, the way you've handled all the situations you've been in has been great. I'm just sorry I wasn't around to offer you support earlier.

 

[_tazz_]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

"Bri...at this point I want to come home...I would risk my relationship and she would not want to be with me anymore...but I would do it.."

Brian, I see you are still entertaining yourself by what he keeps saying. It's like you are desperately trying to find the piece that will cure you through him, although he's the one who is destroying you.

Words words words... Again.

If he meant what he says he would have already come to you, but he hasn't, and i doubt he ever will because he seems like a coward. I mean come on.. people getting married just because they can't figure out some other way to live their lives. It's pathetic.

Move on Brian. Move on.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Jesus wept.

Brian, If you can't get through a day without talking to 'Andy' at least twice, you have really, really serious issues. Frankly, from what I can tell, your conversations are pointless since they always seem to focus on his pitiful existence and stroking your unbelievably fragile ego. I can't believe your therapist still permits you this kind of self-destructive behaviour.

This psychopath 'Andrew' knows that you only see yourself validated through him and he is without doubt one of the worst emotional vampire characters I've heard of in years.

I said before he is only hanging on to you because you are a source of cash and apparently the only thing he has complete control over in his life. All his softening up is for one purpose only. At a certain point it isn't even about the money, it is him seeing he has control over you.

I still suggest you throw your cellphone away and/or do not answer calls before 10 am in the morning or after 9pm in the evening.

I thought you were making progress, but now I actually believe that you are enjoying wallowing in this emotional cesspool after 43 numbing pages. I think your real purpose in this thread is the entertainment value in seeing everyone respond with ego building and soothing platitudes. This thread is exactly a reflection of the same disturbing manipulation that 'Andrew' uses.

By the way, I enjoyed Fight Club. I'm assuming you've seen it and understand how it applies to this thread.

 

[CGHJ]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You're just now starting to think he doesn't want to get married? You knew this a year ago! And once again he says he wants to give everything up and be with you, that he has to be with you...he's in love with you and can't deal with the fact that he's gay. He needs your sympathy, not your cold shoulder.

Of course, there are many who now think and seem to have convinced you that he's manipulating you. Be sure before you cut him off.

ANDY: "Bri...at this point I want to come home...I would risk my relationship and she would not want to be with me anymore...but I would do it.."

BRIAN: "I told him that wasn't too smart to say."

If you'd said, "Well come on home then, you can move in with me," would he have done it? Isn't this what you want him to do? Wouldn't you be happy if he left her and came home to you? He wants to be with you and not her, what's the problem?

If you want to be with him, you'll have to stop rejecting him.

And if you stop rejecting him and try to actually get what you want and he balks, then you can give up.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

If you want to be with him, you'll have to stop rejecting him.

And if you stop rejecting him and try to actually get what you want and he balks, then you can give up.

While one does dislike being disagreeable, please DO NOT listen to CGHJ's advice. If he had read all the entries, he would see that this is not a fairy-tale medieval romance, but a tragic real life story about destructive emotional co-dependence and what happens when one entirely dysfunctional person meets someone they can feast upon. If, for instance, he had read the entry where 'Andy', by his own admission says that he originally developed the relationship in order to use Brian financially, I wonder if he'd be counselling 'come back to me lover'....oh wait a minute, 'Andy's straight so he's not his lover. And on. And on. And on.

This thread is chock full of likely well meant but terrible advice as posters have dished out truckloads of soporiphic platitudes and emo gunge. Much of it is the equivalent of 'enabling behaviour', which encourages an addict to continue along their self-destructive path. Many of those who have called Brian and 'Andy' out have direct experience with this type of soul destroying sociopathic relationship and know that there is nothing healthy in what Brian and 'Andy' have been playing at.

I am among the many who believe that the summer trip to Vegas is about the worst idea that's come along since the invasion and occupation of Iraq and hopefully it will all fall through and Brian will use the money and go to Florence or book some extra time with a therapist instead.

 

[megustamyn]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I’ve been reading this thread from the beginning and I really feel there is no happy ending here. It is indeed a tragedy. Both Brian and Andrew have a lot of issues and support each other in a heavily co-dependent relationship. I know most people think that Andrew is merely a user. He is that, but I see more to it. I believe these guys are deeply in love with each other. The tragic thing is that Andrew’s self-identity is straight and as much as he loves Brian, he hates himself for doing so and resents Brian for making him feel this way.

Brian, I think it would be unfortunate if the two of you ever got together sexually, because he would hate you for it. He would blame you for ‘turning him’ gay. He may or not come around some day to getting sexually involved with a man, but it’s not going to be you.

I know this sounds harsh but I speak from my own experience. I was madly in love with someone who was sure he was straight. When I professed my love for him, he got married to prove how straight he was. But he would not let me go. After a couple of years of this, I walked away for my own sanity. Over twenty years later he looked me up and showed up at my office with a very clear intent on pursuing a sexual relationship. By then he’d been married many years and had three children. He had no interest in leaving his wife, but she had reached the point where accepted his pursuing interests outside the marriage. She had actually known what our relationship was about before she married him, even though he would never recognize it. She even called while he was in my office to confirm he was with me. Fortunately, I had settled down with a wonderful man and was not tempted, although I confess that I often grieve for what could have been and I often Google him and his family to see what they’re up to.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

While one does dislike being disagreeable, please DO NOT listen to CGHJ's advice. If he had read all the entries, he would see that this is not a fairy-tale medieval romance, but a tragic real life story about destructive emotional co-dependence and what happens when one entirely dysfunctional person meets someone they can feast upon. If, for instance, he had read the entry where 'Andy', by his own admission says that he originally developed the relationship in order to use Brian financially, I wonder if he'd be counselling 'come back to me lover'....oh wait a minute, 'Andy's straight so he's not his lover. And on. And on. And on.

This thread is chock full of likely well meant but terrible advice as posters have dished out truckloads of soporiphic platitudes and emo gunge. Much of it is the equivalent of 'enabling behaviour', which encourages an addict to continue along their self-destructive path. Many of those who have called Brian and 'Andy' out have direct experience with this type of soul destroying sociopathic relationship and know that there is nothing healthy in what Brian and 'Andy' have been playing at.

I am among the many who believe that the summer trip to Vegas is about the worst idea that's come along since the invasion and occupation of Iraq and hopefully it will all fall through and Brian will use the money and go to Florence or book some extra time with a therapist instead.

I pretty much agree with everything but the last.

Whether the summer trip to Vegas is a good idea depends on just what you do with it, Brian. If you let Andy try to make it a "things are just like they were" time, it'll be a total waste. Oh, you may have some fun moments, but the net result will be a spinning of wheels, tooting the horn, going nowhere except into a haze that obscures the fact that things are not like they were, nor can they ever be.
OTOH, it will give you an opportunity to look him right in the eye and tell him the reality of things as you see them. In your position, I'd be saying these things:

I have a life, and I'm going somewhere. I'd love to have you with me, be you don't have a life and you've been diddling around going nowhere -- and that's sad, because I know you have the talent to get somewhere. But until you do, "we" aren't happening.
Your marriage isn't going to be a marriage. You're two people playing at getting married, going through the motions, but while she may love you, you don't seem to love her. You need to face that, and figure out what to do with it. I'm your friend, but I'm not going to be the man who helps the two of you exist together.
You keep saying you love me, that I'm the most important person in your life, that you'd give up the marriage to be with me. Well, of course that makes me feel valued, but it also makes me wonder. You're always wanting money -- do you just say those things because you want money? You want me more than your girl -- are you maybe really in love with me, and hiding from that?
Whatever -- we're on two different tracks. I know where mine is headed, and yours... well, your train doesn't seem to be moving. You need to get it moving, figure things out, get your head on right, and aim down a track that goes somewhere.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Frankly I wouldn't bother sticking my dick into his marriage. Frankly, who gives a fuck whether he and this stupid chick get married or not? It will just open up a whole new can of emo crap. Just seeing the 'happy couple' again will make it all raw and confused and 'oh I can't be without you' and 'my life is just so incomplete without your money' blah blah blah. Life is way too short as it is to piss it away on a dead end vacation. If Florence doesn't suit, maybe Istanbul.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys...have not spoken to Andy since Thursday night. I didn't call him and he didn't call me...which usually is a sign that he is really down. His mom called me today and she said that she asked him how he is feeling about the impending wedding in a year. Andy answered that he really doesn't exactly agree with getting married at this time.

Other than that been thinking about how to ground myself and my life and get things moving.

Frankly RAREBOY, I never thought of "sticking my dick" into his marriage or getting all "emo", whatever that might particularly imply. I appreciate your advice, I really do..some points you make are on the money and others make me know you have no idea about my situation...but how can you or anyone else...I'm going through it...and you guys are not

Brian

P.S. And for the nay sayers who predict that "this doesn't look like a good ending" also do not know what they are talking about. At the end of the day I have the best person I ever met in my life as my best friend and brother for the rest of my days. Peace.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Brian,

I've been busy and haven't posted for a while. I just caught up on your thread. I must agree with Calgary that after a year of reading this post, we have a pretty good idea of what is going on or at least your side of the story. Both you and Andy are in an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. As I have said in the past, you may be able to change it into a healthy relationship with counseling, but first you must want to change. When you say we don't know, what you are really doing is denying the problem. The reality is that the posters here understand the problem far better than you do. I hope you are still attending therapy.

Why do you think Andy stays with his girl even if he doesn't really want to be with her? I personally think he is using her. She supports him. The guy can screw off all the time and she lets him get away with it. The money from you is nice to fill in the gaps, but she is the one supporting him. Andy may have many good qualities, but you need to recognize that Andy is a user. Andy has used you and if you can't accept that reality you really need to discuss it with your therapist. Sorry to be so hard on you, but you seem to be oscillating between recognizing reality and living in your fantasy world.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I want to weigh in and point out that Brian isn't in the same place he was: He's stood up to Andy on a couple of items. He can go a day or two without hearing from Andy without falling to pieces. He's going to counseling. He's no longer desperate to put their two lives in the same location.

But, Brian, I still stand by what I said above in post 1490 -- go back and read it again.

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian, how are you doing? Any news?
Looking forward to an update from you!

Yeah! I'll second that!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hopefully he's put all the soap opera drama behind him and moved on to create a healthier life...and doesn't feel the need for advice anymore. That would be a successful and happy ending.

 

[tmb1]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Wow! I just finished reading this thread (it took me a couple of days to get through).What an emotional rollercoaster for you(and it feels like for me) I feel like you are a friend who is going through this stuff and I am just catching up on the last few years of your life. There were so many times I wanted to post and unfortunately missed opportunities to give you a shoulder and some advice.

I don’t think its fair to say Brian hasn’t taken any advice, he most certainly has. But as one who also suffers from depression I can tell you that what may seem like nothing to many could be a huge step for the person doing it. I commend you Bri for doing what you have. Yes I too do get frustrated where this has taken so long but hopefully it will gradually get better over the years(thats probably me internalizing that frustration also)

Okay I see this as a very sad story of what can go wrong when you lose(move away from)the love of your life and procrastinate with doing(telling) things that are truly hard but need to be done(told). He didn’t realize it at the time(maybe still doesn’t but I doubt that) and maybe the opportunity has passed for him to realize and admit to it, I don’t know. And you have been dealing with not only losing the love of your life but not even TOTALLY knowing if he could have returned that kind of love.

You really need to do what he did for you when you couldn’t come out with it. You need to call him on it. You need to in the sweetest most caring way possible tell him that you think everything going on with him is because he is IN LOVE with you and that he is having a hard time coming to terms with it. If this isn’t the case than at least you will FINALLY have that answer to the question that noone has dare spoke. You owe it to him as his friend to do this and you owe it to the both of you to deal with what is obvious to me. He seems like a textbook case of the macho secretly gay Italian male that will treat his woman like shit but the man of his affection is like a god.

There is not a 100% straight man in the world that would be acting like Andy is. The only one would be someone who is totally playing someone just for the money and I don’t see that with him, the emotions and crying are too deep. That type of person would just move on to the next victim.

The “Closet” we are all in before(if ever)coming out can be as dark and horrifying as hell. Some people handle it better than others, some people don’t to the point of living miserable lives that extend to those around them(or even succumb to suicide) I suspect that Andy is in that horrifying closet. Help him through it, give him a nudge or a push. Whether gay or straight (or bi) he and you need that conversation happen.

And now the way he is acting could be that he is depressed because he doesn’t have the balls(or the capability) to admit he is in love with you, or that life just sucks and now he has lost you too. You probably should have told him to watch Brokeback Mountain when his girl went to sleep(you could still tell him to rent it. It may very well hit a chord with him. And then talk to him about it. Cmon man this has been eating at you for 2 years now confront it and you will know.

Why do you keep telling him to stay with this girl. Is it guilt that you think you cant tell him that cuz it may come off as you are in love with him still. Be a good friend and convince him not to marry her. You are trying to be a good friend about his other problems, why not this. This could be a life long mistake tell him that.

This thread really hit a chord with me and brought tears to my eyes and also opened my eyes to other things about me that I need to confront. I have been in both your and Andy's shoes. I lost a man that I could hang with forever and talk for hours to and eventually fell in love with. Because I(both of us actually) was to fucked up and immature at the time I couldn't completely pursue it with him. He started dating our friends mother (the three of us were in AA and trying to deal with our dysfunctional lives. I started dating this alcoholic that was very cute and giving me all this attention. Without going into it(long story) I truly believe my friend was hiding his gayness but both of our actions destoyed any chance we had(and there were a few missed opportunites).

I have also been on the Andy side of things. It involved gambling and then getting so far into debt and trouble that I did anything to get money of conning my way to getting friends or family members to give "loans". I say con because even though it didnt feel like it at the time(I was truly in trouble and crying and emotional and suicidal) I was conning my way out of not having to deal with my life and quit gambling and deal with the depression. I would bet anything(no pun intended ) that most of the money you sent went to him gambling with it so that he could(with all good intentions) pay you back and have money to pay all his bills. The ten thousand dollar loan struck me as odd only because arent there big tourneys out there where that is the entry fee. Once again all good intentions but that is the life of a gamberaholic.

I wish you well man and hope that if you don't feel like posting here anymore, give me a pm and we can chat about how things are and maybe i can give you some insight into my past(and in turn I am sure I will learn more about myself too, as it is with opening up to people about REAL life.)

Peace
Todd

 

[CGHJ]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I think TMB has it very close to being right. Brian, I hope you're alright.

 

[Nobodys_noone]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I just read this entire damn thing -_-'

Its like a soap opera. I love it.

but yea, sucks how things.... up until June of last year because thats where I stopped reading. Sorry i didn't read more but its kind of impossible with those damn porn ads at the top and I have a really short attention span .

But yea, there were points were I really knew what you felt. I think this thread of your has ins[ired me to actually talk to someone about my problem which is pretty much what you have, falling for the best friend, of course you at least didn't fuck it up like i did.

Hope things continue to go well.

PS:

This is the reason I could not continue reading and I didn't write something meaningful