Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[texan_slant]

Re: At a rossroad

Hey Brian,

This is something that only you can answer at this point. If it's not clear-cut yet, then you might not be ready to end the friendship. There is a huge history together, and first, you might want to get past the anger and resentment - cuz it can really cloud your thought process. Some things to consider -

Be honest with him, and be honest with why you feel distant. Be honest with why you don't want to go to the wedding. Things have never been on the table completely. Honesty and truth are the best policy - even if it hurts.

The last point - helps with closure of the situation and with your feelings. It's almost as if you need to have some sort of pow-wow, say how you feel, and let him process it.

That being said - if you finally put your friendship on the line and let him have it with the honesty policy, would Andy be capable of learning from it? Would you have the want or need to still be friends with him if he changed his ways? Do you think he'd ever be capable of being a different person?

It's really up to you whether or not you want to give him that opportunity to learn from the situation - and save the frienship, or not. Granted - your friendship will never be the same as it was, and it will prob seem distant. It will prob sometimes feels like a family member: sometimes, you feel close to them, sometimes not, and you just end up accepting both the good and the bad apples. You never know, over the years, it might grow stronger in other ways - or not.

I guess it's all about whether or not you want to give it that chance. Only you know what is best, and there is no black and white. It really isn't a bad thing to end frienships. I've let quite a few go myself. There have also been a couple I've had similar to your situation, and they've become stronger friends as a result.

Only you will really know what the right decision is - it'd be the one that serves your best interests.

Take care







burning question might be whether or not

whether or not you can have him '

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

oops. forgot to cut the last pieces of text. they actually shouldn't be taken out of context...

 

[tmb1]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Its too bad that for all you have put yourself through in this, alot of questions could have been answered if you had just had the balls to confront him about 1) if he is gay and in love with you and 2) be his friend by telling him you dont think marrying that woman is a good idea. I am not saying it to be mean, just to point out that after all this time there are so many unanswered questions because you guys havent been fully honest with each other like real friends should be. Why not put it ALL out there on the table so you can move on in some way(with or without his friendship, but at least with honestly.)

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Ok guys back with an update on things...

Ok..I had not spoken to Andrew in almost a week..last night Latoya was aking me about the impending wedding, because she wants to go with me to "meet these freaks that have been fucking with my head". Plus she loves her some cake lol.

Anywho..I was talking about not going and she had said to "make sure about that, because that will break your frienship for good". And I agreed, I already knew this.

Anyway no sooner than we get off the phone, does Andrew call. Mind you this is 4am, but tonight Im feeling alright and I had troubler sleeping, plus I needed to vent.

So I pick up and of course he asks me if I am with someone...I say no.

He starts to bawl and cry...and bawl some more...I cannot make out what he is saying, so he said he would calm down and pull over to the side of the road.

He said he misses me so much...and that our friendship is going sour fast and that he "truly didnt know what he had until it was gone", meaning his friendship with me.

He said he he knows the reason for me being cold. He said its becasue I have new friends replacing him(always been a big usse for him regarding me)..but I truthfully told him that was not the case...

I told him it does feel like our friendship is fading and I do not know what to do about it. I told him I am angry over the way he used me. I told him now that I am getting my life together, I see more than ever how dumb I was with giving you money blindly. I told him some was my fault, for being blinded by my own "love" but the rest was assuredly his.

I told him how I dont like how I have to sift through what is true and what is a lie, everytime that I speak to him.

I told him that I hate the fact that I had a hard time trusting people before I met him, and since he betayed my trust, has made me distrusting of everyone else.

He told me that he would answer any and all questions I had. About what he did with my money and other stuff in terms of me thinking he always cheats on his fiancee..he told me "I guess I only have myself to blame for all of this".

He told me not to take any blame and that what he did to me will alays rest on his head badly and that he wants to make ammends.

I asked him "why did you use ME, why ME?"

Why not his child hood friend? Would you ever to that to him I asked..he said no..and I go exactly..so why me?

I will tell you why I said. Because I was at a weak point, you gained my trsut and saw that I looked to you and was becoming your friend. And you jumped like a shark.

I told him that even after he was up front with me about using me that he still begged and begged and asked for money and "played" on my love to him...he denied this.

Anyway we hung up..he called me back..saying how down he was.

He said he is 95% sure to be fired this week.He took the last two weeks off for a bad back..and this week he took off too..hes too much of a liability..he said his mother in law is playing mind games with him and trying to fuck him over..


He said he will be coming to NY for two weeks for his wedding...and he hopes to make ammends with me..I told him with all due respect that I am not entirely looking foward to going(I know, it was mean to say) and he said he was disappointed but now he "realizes now angry you are with me for how I treated you"...


I told him I had to go, because I was full of tension and didnt want to risk saying anything rash..so I hung up.

Anyway thats it ttyl guys. BRIAN

P.S.-Ap
apartment is finally ready for new furniture...and I am getting FORD EDGE in 2 weeks..so good news on that front..peace.

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Brian -

That was a good update, and I am really proud of you for stepping up to the plate. Whatever happens - you will have known that you always did what you could with no regret - and with honesty. That shows a heck of a lot of integrity on your part, and now the ball is in his court to also step up to the plate and accept responsibility for his own actions. It'll be interesting to see how the next few months play out as the wedding gets closer.

Perhaps how you both come out of this will be a good indication of whether your paths converge or diverge. Take care.

 

[nsguy2]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Thanks for the update.

Of course he's sorry - he's about to get fired, is going to need some quick cash and his GF's mother isn't bailing him out this time.

When is comes to "head games", this guy is a master.

Hang in there, Brian, and continue getting on with your life.

BTW, who could sleep with Latoya smacking down on cake over the phone ? J/K.

Good luck.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Small update: Andrew got fired from his job over the weekend. He had not worked there in three weeks. He said he is going to be real screwed if he doesn't get anything by April.

He said his boss called him yesterday and fired him "for taking a four thousand dollar bribe". He said Andrew peed in someone's cup and the dude passed it off as his own. He worked in a correctional facility.

Andrew swears he didn't do it..but what can I tell you?...I'm not sure if I really beleive him...It involved money and shady shit..and I don't know whether to believe him..and he can thank using me and breaking my trust for that. Like I told him last week, "I have to second guess everything you say...and it is tiring".

He also said the last time he got paid was 4 weeks ago.. I told him he will find something , he needs to keep looking.

He said the wedding invite was in the mail.

He asked me if I got my car. I told him I went for a test drive Friday and he asked what car? I go FORD EDGE..he goes cool, that's the car I always wanted.

Anywho, I was unenthused by his call...did not hear from him all week until he lost his job...so I wasn't too sympathetic to his plight..

Anyway ttyl guy..Brian

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I know rareboy you said to forget the wedding and send a thoughtful gift. I fall into that line of thinking. But when he gets the invite saying "I cant attend" what do I tell him on the phone is the reason why?

Keep in my mind the date was known to me for a while now, so I cannot simply say, I had smething else planned or something came up.

So what is the best advice?

Admit to myself that maybe it is best for both parties to end the friendship?

I must have had my head up my ass, because I miseed the past few updates from you....

Well Brian, I'm not surprised he was fired; I know I beleive he took the bribe because he's addicted to easy money and I suspect, to gambling.

I'm not sure he was the closest thing to a friend you ever had. I think he was a doppleganger for a friend; an incubus or succubus. I honestly think that Andy's idea of any relationship is that others should make life easy for him while he just plays with their emotion. I think he's addicted to attention from others, but not really self-aware enough to participate in any healthy reciprocal relationship.

You've done brilliantly so far except you still talk to him way too much at the wrong hours on the phone. I swear that at some point he'll promise you anything to win you back over, all in order to take advantage of your desperate need for a male friend.

Get out there and start to make new friends; stop holding back. The car and fixing up the apartment are great moves, but they are still only the beginning.

I don't agree that you and Latoya should go to the wedding just to satisfy her morbid (albeit natural) curiosity.

I think when you RSVP, you can say that finances don't allow you to join them and you wanted to get them a nice gift instead. Or, I would be honest and just say that under the circumstances, while you wish them a lifetime of happiness and success, it just isn't possible for you to attend their cermemony.

As I said, once you are a no-show, Andrew will focus in on the people who do turn up in order to hit them up for money or connections for a job etc.

Just take good care of yourself and enjoy your newfound freedom to travel.

Best Wishes.

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I wonder if the wedding will be called off.

You're on the way to closure, and you sound really intuitive about the reality of things. Trust your intuition - and keep moving forward. Take care!

 

[3x3is9]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Hello Brian. I just recently stumbled upon your thread. I am truly saddened to have read through two years worth of your extreme lack of insight without being able to comment and try to help (not that it would have made any difference, considering you have not been listening to rareboy). It astounds me that you have put up with Andy's act for so long, and how you could have been so blind to his pathetically obvious attempts to sap you dry. Even back when you first posted, it was obvious what his intentions were. It was also obvious that you were purposely withholding information to avoid people saying he is using you.

I am glad that you are finally starting to turn things around, however late in the game. I hope for your sake that you start to listen to rareboy and all his great advice. Let this wedding symbolize the end of your relationship with Andy. Whether you go or not, send him a gift or not, or even acknowledge the wedding's existence - I can't tell you. That's really a decision you should make: how you want your relationship with Andy to end.

Best of luck to you! You have a way with words that captures your audience. Your story has touched many, I'm sure, and has certainly been a good read. Thanks!

 

[Alberto_15]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

You know, I keep coming back to this thread to read your updates, Brian, and I am so happy with the progress you have made! Good for you

rareboy gives the best advice ever! LOL

On the other hand, I get mad every time I read something new about Andy! I mean, he really takes the meaning of the words "loser" "lame" and "pathetic" to a whole new level that I have certainly never seen before. The bloke is such a screw up! such a mess! it really is sad. I have the feeling that Brian is about to become history in your book sooner rather than later....

Best wishes to you Brian

 

[Muskox]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

You continue to call Andy a friend, perhaps the only real friend you've ever had. I think you are wrong. A friend is not jealous of other friendships that you have. Andy is a narcissist and a manipulator. He is never going to truly be a friend to you. A friend does things to please you and make life good for you. Andy will never do anything that doesn't benefit him before it benefits you. You can have a casual, sort-of friendship with such a person, but only by keeping him at an emotional distance. If that's awkward -- and I think you are finding it difficult -- you owe it to yourself to break it off.

The fact that you used to think of him as your best friend says more about you than about the quality of the relationship. Is there going to be a best man at this wedding? If you are truly his only real friend, as he says, why didn't he honor you with that role?

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I don't disagree with everyone's views on Andy, and I also agree that Brian should continue to live his life without relying on that "friendship," however, there is a huge history of "friendship" that exists that we have not seen - it is the other side of the coin.

I've known people in this lifetime who do some of the most jacked-up things to the people who they love the most - one example is my mother. I *have to* somehow see past the BS and accept them for who they are - even if it means ignoring most of the crap that they pull.

We can't pass judgement on something or someone that we have limited knowledge about. I am by all means, *not* disagreeing with the views on Andy, it goes without saying the famous adage, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me..."

...however, as with the last Brian post, the truth has been told to Andy, and as time marches forward - only Brian can make the true judgement as to whether or not he wants to let the friendship go - just as long as he continues on the current healthy path. If Brian continues to succeed in this recovery, then everything that Andy does will just be a drop in the bucket.

 

[Alberto_15]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

^^^ The difference is that with family one really does not have a choice but Andy is not family. One cannot choose family but one can and should certainly chose friends. Now I've read this thread from beggining to end and I don't recall any the good things Andy has done for Brian, maybe Brian could remind us...

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Hey all quick update...talked to Andrew maybe 2 times in as many weeks...he asked me if I was still going to the wedding...I said yes but with no guest...I have to tell him tomorrow that I will just be attending the church part only..

He called me Friday, saying he was down, and afraid to get married and that he is broke and has no money...he said he doesnt expect to get much from this wedding(funny he sees it as a money opportunity)...he said he made so many wrong decisions in his life and he feels he made another wrong decision with his choice of best man..

So all I said was "ok"..and he never talked about it anymore. I guess I was to assume that was his way of saying he didnt pick me as best man and he is too cowardly to tell me.

And in all honesty, 6 months ago, I would have cared and been hurt. Now?

I dont even care, in fact this is even better as it absolves me of any duties at his wedding, plus I can come right before the church and leave right after. I am disappointed and a little pissed as to the way he handled it with me...

He said hes coming in a few weeks and hopefully we can work on our friendship...whatever. He asked me if I missed Vegas? I go no, why would I
miss the biggest mistake in my life?

Yesterday, I went to the National Auto Show in NYC(saw and tested out the car I'm buying in June, FORD FLEX baby!) and came home to watch Wrestlemania XXIV..was a good Sunday...

Hope you guys are well, Brian

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Woot.

Not a big surprise that he and his charming fiancee viewed the wedding as a cash grab.

One of the best defences you will have if he comes to visit (which I somehow doubt if he is broke) is to only see him in the company of Latoya. Seriously. Do not see him on your own.

I'm sorry, but if he does turn up, he isn't interested in working on your friendship. He's there to guilt you into lending him money under the pretense of some legitimate reason.

I imagine that the reason he's chosen someone else as best man is that he owes the other guy even more money than he owes you. Or sees him as a better prospect.

I think you still have to ask yourself why you want to go to the ceremony unless you think that witnessing this disaster will be therapeutic. Which it might be. I suspect she'll treat you like shit because you are no longer part of their meal plan.

Great news about the car. Ah... the freedom you'll have.

Not a convertible though? Just thinking aloud here.

Colour?

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Well Rare he picked one of his longtime friends to be his best man, you know..one of the ones who never bothered to help him out when the chips were down, or could understand his depression.

I dont like convertables and I was thinking either black, or creme color, or possible cinnamon.

I think, based on the good points of our friendship, and there were some, that I owe it to him to not totally ignore the day...at the end I dont wish them ill will, I just dont want to be part of anything that day.

I dont think going would be therapy or closure for me...I think I already got closure by accepting that I need and will find a man who loves me back, and the fact that hes far away now and the fact that I have managed to save money now and focus on some positive things in my life.

I can see a talk on the phone friendship thing with him. I am not sure if anything, even him paying me back, will get our friendship to where it once was. How can I possibly, when I have to question his very word and the moves he makes.

I think the full closure will come when we meet face to face and talk.

Lost~~~~

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

LostVegas - thanks for the update! It's amazing how well you've been doing.

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

Black shows all the dirt and fine scratches and creme doesn't look good for winter driving in slush. Cinnamon sounds like the best bet.

....and yes, convertibles are really only good for summer driving and then only when it isn't raining......maybe a sun roof?

Remember, spoil yourself. You deserve it.

 

[nihilis]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(

I think, based on the good points of our friendship, and there were some, that I owe it to him to not totally ignore the day...at the end I dont wish them ill will, I just dont want to be part of anything that day.

Then I'd suggest this: don't be part of anything that day. If I'd had a best friend get married and not ask me to be in the wedding party, I doubt very much that I'd go to the wedding, let alone maintain any sort of friendship. Unless the men in the wedding party are all family, there's really no excuse for that. I'd never expect to be best man in any wedding unless I had a brother, but he could have asked you to be a part of it somehow if you're as close as he claims you are. But somehow I think you two have different definitions of close.
As far as owing him; my friend, I don't think you owe him anything. All the 'good parts' of your friendship came from you, he was the only one benefiting from said good parts. If you don't believe me, start at page one of this thread and read forward. No one who loves someone as much as he claims to love you could hurt someone and make them suffer the way you suffered. So I'd say you're absolved of any obligation to do anything you don't want to do. "Worst case" scenario is that you don't go and he never talks to you again. Big loss.

I can see a talk on the phone friendship thing with him. I am not sure if anything, even him paying me back, will get our friendship to where it once was. How can I possibly, when I have to question his very word and the moves he makes.

There's your answer, right there in the last sentence. Why bother even keeping this going if he hasn't even tried to rebuild your trust?

I think the full closure will come when we meet face to face and talk.

You should talk and say what you have to say. That will give you the closure you need. Just don't expect anything to change from him.

I'm sorry to be so cynical, really. A few pages (and months) back, I think I posted something about a friend of mine. Sort of similar situation, not as much mind fucking or using going on, and there was much more reason for me to think he was gay and into me. However, after almost kissing one night, he went on eharmony a week later, got a girl, and spent this past fall and winter systematically pushing me out of his life. Now six months later they're engaged. About two months ago (a month before the engagement), I finally told him how I felt about our friendship and how he threw me aside. It wasn't jealousy, the fact that we were seeing less of each other, or the fact that he was scared to go to the next level that upset me; it was the fact that all of a sudden he only wanted to be around me when no one else was around. That's a fucking coward way to do things as far as I'm concerned. I used the term "dirty little secret" and he got all flustered. So his response was "I don't know what you want me to say." That said it all. The point to all this blather is, yes I got my closure, but after being completely honest with him, it didn't change anything.

To end on a note of hope, people can change. They can realize things, and make amends. There is no saying that Andy won't come around someday. But right now, in this space of time, you are better off without him in your life, like I'm better off without my "friend". Emotional exhaustion makes decision making difficult and dangerous, and I think you're in sore need of a break. So my advice to you is twofold: first, distance yourself completely, whether it's for a week, a month, or longer. If that coincides with the wedding, don't go, you've given enough over the years and if he doesn't know that you're doomed anyway. Second: have some standards, up the stakes, raise the bar etc. Tell yourself (and him when you talk to him) that you're not letting him back in completely (or in any capacity) until and unless certain criteria are met. I told my friend this at the time, so there can be no surprises that he doesn't get full access to me. You have to be able to live with what you're going to miss out on, but believe me it's going to be worth it. Just hang on, keep going on the path you're going on, and you'll be fine, oh and fuck Andy, you deserve better people around you.

By the way, I'd go for cinnamon myself.