"What can I say to myself when . ." What do you say to yourself? A question about looks

[m1thousand]

Ill admit that I dont have the greatest self esteem and it could be better.

I was feeling lousy when I would see a guy with a nice body because I need to lose weight (40 lbs) and I was doing the whole comparison thing when I saw a guy with a nice body.

But I realized that I have something I can say to myself now when I see a guy with a nice body. I say "he has a nice body because he has worked out and I could have one too if I worked out"

So I dont have any reason to beat myself up about that now because I can tell myself that statement above.


But what when I see an attractive guy, I beat myself up because I think he is better looking and/or I would like to look like him.

So now I need something I can tell myself to help me not beat myself up when I see an attractive guy.

Does anyone have an suggestions about what I can say to myself?

What do you do when you are feeling insecure and you see an attractive guy?

Thanks

 

[birddog7]

About all I can say is, "I know who you feel". I've been through many years of that. I do workout, and I'm at a healthy weight, but I still don't think I'm attractive. I see guys whose looks I envy everyday. I work with a guy that I think "if I could just borrow that body for one weekend, I'd have some fun". It can be very depressing, and I have little in the way of answers of what to do about it...

 

[72-Jay]

When I see an attractive guy I just think "he's cute" or "he's hot" (or in some cases simply 'wow') .. the thought doesn't cross my mind to compare myself to him or wish I was hot like him...

I don't consider myself goodlooking, but at the same time don't consider myself ugly either. (I really have no idea what others think of me looks-wize either)

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Instead of focusing on the 2% of the population that's 'perfect', train yourself to notice the other 80% of the people who are less fortunate than you in the gene pool.

I spent a good portion of my life cursing myself for not looking like Tom Welling (or whoever flavor of the month), then I realized there are those far less fortunate than I am who are leading perfectly normal, happy lives. The only thing in the way of me being happy was ME.

My standards were WAY too high, very unrealistic and unobtainable.

 

[eastofeden]

I do not compare myself to anyone else...never have really. I see myself though my own eyes and there are a few solid reasons I can share with you that might help....

I am a real bitch about letting anyone else define anything for me and that includes "beauty"....and this brings me to the "key" I believe...

I do not think about people in terms of "good looking" or "ugly"....... it is embarrassing to me to do that. It feels creepy for me to objectify other people and it feels creepy to be objectified. I don't take it as a compliment when someone comments on my appearance.

There is your key.

If you are constantly judging other people on appearance it will of course come back to you....just as the people who are ageist will have a difficult time when they grow older. How you look at other people is the key out of this cycle.

You can retrain your mind if you want to.

THIS might help you as well with the negative "beating yourself up" stuff....

http://www.calmdownmind.com/overcoming-obsessive-thoughts/

 

[Taz]

Say to yourself, I will never have a different face, so don't waste time fussing about it.

 

[dereperez]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you are feeling down, just think that there are people out there that think YOU are attractive and who are jealous of you and wish they looked like you. Perspective is key. Learn to love yourself and appreciate your own beauty because everyone is different, and it is all relative.

 

[bankside]

Ill admit that I dont have the greatest self esteem and it could be better.

I was feeling lousy when I would see a guy with a nice body because I need to lose weight (40 lbs) and I was doing the whole comparison thing when I saw a guy with a nice body.

But I realized that I have something I can say to myself now when I see a guy with a nice body. I say "he has a nice body because he has worked out and I could have one too if I worked out"

So I dont have any reason to beat myself up about that now because I can tell myself that statement above.


But what when I see an attractive guy, I beat myself up because I think he is better looking and/or I would like to look like him.

So now I need something I can tell myself to help me not beat myself up when I see an attractive guy.

Does anyone have an suggestions about what I can say to myself?

What do you do when you are feeling insecure and you see an attractive guy?

Thanks

Have you never heard people disagree about whether someone is hot or not? They do all the time, because there is no one correct way to be attractive. I've heard so many people argue about who is hot or who is plain that I realize, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So realize if you got your wish and got to look like him, you might find your own reflection more attractive, but it is a guarantee that someone else would find you less attractive. Would you rather impress your reflection, or someone who already thinks you look fine.

 

[Audio Tech]

Hey, there is someone out there that masturbates to YOU!

I used to have huge self-esteem issues in my younger years. NOW, I realize that I actually looked like the classic twink seen in modern porn. I was SUCH an idiot!! But I was trying to measure up to a different ideal in my head that I never saw who I was. I thought being tall and very lean was ugly.

Well.... can't get that time back.... but now I realize that I am actually better looking at 49 than a lot of mid 20's guys. A lot of people in general are just going to pot earlier in life. To see someone that looks HOT is a treat!

 

[m1thousand]

When I see an attractive guy I just think "he's cute" or "he's hot" (or in some cases simply 'wow') .. the thought doesn't cross my mind to compare myself to him or wish I was hot like him...

I don't consider myself goodlooking, but at the same time don't consider myself ugly either. (I really have no idea what others think of me looks-wize either)

72 Jay,
I knew someone would say that because it is true. I should just appreciate the person who is cute and move on.

Instead of focusing on the 2% of the population that's 'perfect', train yourself to notice the other 80% of the people who are less fortunate than you in the gene pool.

I spent a good portion of my life cursing myself for not looking like Tom Welling (or whoever flavor of the month), then I realized there are those far less fortunate than I am who are leading perfectly normal, happy lives. The only thing in the way of me being happy was ME.

My standards were WAY too high, very unrealistic and unobtainable.

Borg,
My standards are also too high, very unrealistic, and unobtainable. Im trying to change my perspective and "they worked out to get that part" is a part of my changed thinking. I have lived my life worrying about this or that and all it has done is make me unhappy with myself.
I completely relate to "The only thing in the way of me being happy was ME."


Eastofeden,
I havent heard of energy detox (in the link provided) and I will look more into the website http://www.calmdownmind.com . Who is Sen? (the author of the article). Oh, I just found a link to who he is http://www.calmdownmind.com/about-me/

I dont go through life judging everyone I see as to whether they are good looking or not. The good looking ones may get my attention and thats when I turn it into negative thinking towards myself.

Say to yourself, I will never have a different face, so don't waste time fussing about it.

Taz,
You would think that would work but it doesnt, at least for me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you are feeling down, just think that there are people out there that think YOU are attractive and who are jealous of you and wish they looked like you. Perspective is key. Learn to love yourself and appreciate your own beauty because everyone is different, and it is all relative.

Derek,
I first think about the episode of The Twilight Zone 'Eye of the Beholder'. Thats a great episode with a powerful message for those who have never seen it. I thought it would be posted on Youtube but its not.

In my younger days, I might have thought of people who wished they looked like me but not these days.

Have you never heard people disagree about whether someone is hot or not? They do all the time, because there is no one correct way to be attractive. I've heard so many people argue about who is hot or who is plain that I realize, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So realize if you got your wish and got to look like him, you might find your own reflection more attractive, but it is a guarantee that someone else would find you less attractive. Would you rather impress your reflection, or someone who already thinks you look fine.

Bankside,
I dont quite follow what you mean. Am I impressing my reflection as myself (or as the person I would like to look like?). The person thinks I look fine as myself (as I am right now?) Im confused.


AudiuoTech,
I had a huge when I was younger. I used to think I made a person's day if they got to see me. Thats sounds horrible and it was not as harsh as it sounds, but I did think that.
I used to dance on the edge of the dance floor because I wanted more people watch me dance.
I used to think I had an aura about me.
I thought guys in the night club who stand at the front were looking at me but I realise that they are just looking at whoever is there / who is coming in
But at the same time, I didnt like my European look. I wanted to look like a guy who fits the term 'hunk' as to what a guy look slike when you think of the word 'hunk' I knew I didnt look like that and I wanted to

Thanks for the advice
;-)

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I tell myself I have better things to do with my time.

 

[G-Lexington]

I just have trouble getting into the basic mindset of the premise.

Quick example. Last weekend, I took part in an all-day event. At the close of it, I needed to move my stuff back to my car. My stuff was very large and bulky and quite heavy, so I went nosing through the audience looking for someone who might give me a hand. And the first person I recognized was Jared, the new boyfriend of a female co-worker. He's a former football player, and still exceptionally well-built, so I asked if he could possibly give me a hand. I took him to the back room, showed him my stuff, and started explaining how I usually transport it - stacking it like so, with two people then carrying it out, one carrying on each end. Before I could get the first sentence out, Jared picked up the entire thing and started walking out. I followed him out as he carried all this heavy awkward stuff out of the venue and a block or so down the street without breaking a sweat. Pretty impressive, actually.

The thing is - I never felt inferior. Yeah, I couldn't do that, but neither could most people. Being strong is something he excels at, and something I stink at. But that only makes me unworthy to be in his presence as a competitor in a strong-man competition. Life isn't a strong-man competition, so there's no reason I can't interact with him. And in fact I do. We've met at work-related functions, chatted a lot, and this weekend we're going going out to dinner (as a foursome, not a twosome). I'm sure he considers me weak and out-of-shape - I AM weak and out-of-shape. But that doesn't make me unworthy as a human being, or even as a potential friend in his eyes. Just a poor choice for a competitor on a weightlifting team.

Similarly, I'm at best average in the looks department. That means, as a best case scenario, every other guy I encounter is more attractive than me. (It's probably more.) But I don't live in a never-ending beauty pageant. I don't have an audience of people giving a big(ger) round of applause and high(er) scores to the attractive ones, and giving me zeroes. I don't feel my self-esteem eroding in the presence of even the most attactive of people, any more than it would in front of the very rich, the very talented, the very tall, or the very well-hung...or Jared. Yes, if I'm in a karaoke club with my friend with amazing pipes, I'm going to feel inferior...at karaoke. I'm not going to feel inferior as a human being.

Some of my friends are quite attractive. A few even do modeling work, and at least on has done porn. But I don't feel inferior around them, because I don't see them as an indictment towards my unattractiveness. I see them as people. People with positive and negative traits, with their own sets of problems and issues and neuroses. Which is probably why they've become my friends.

Lex

 

[sixthson]

It may sound cliche, but it is true: there is surface beauty and there is inner beauty. They don't always go together. We have all known someone we thought was beautiful on first impression. After getting to know them, we found them to be self absorbed, petty, inconsiderate...whatever unpleasantness you care to describe. They soon became ugly to us. Then there is the average guy or the guy who does not have classic good looks, but he exudes kindness, gentleness, good humor, wit, intelligence, care and concern for others, curiosity, energy. Suddenly, the plain guy becomes very appealing, intriguing. These are the traits that will attract anyone who is not superficial. They are also the things that will last a lifetime, long after the pretty boy has lost his good looks.

 

[eastofeden]

My standards are also too high, very unrealistic, and unobtainable.

A brief follow up...

I have known lots of "those guys"..the ones who make a lot of people swoon. It comes with the territory when you work in a gay club. A lot of them were my friends...a few still are (most of them died)

...and one thing almost all of them shared is that they all had the same thing you have. They obsessed about their appearance and compared themselves to other people to a degree where a few of them who were dying told me they were happy that they wouldn't have to grow old and worry about losing their looks. One of them who was also my best friend since I was in HS would not let anyone see him the last six months because he didn't want anyone to remember him as anything less than beautiful.

The sad thing is...he really WAS beautiful despite his vanity.... and his beauty had nothing to do with his looks...he had so many other things about him that were TRULY beautiful. For instance...he had an uncanny ability to look into something on the deepest level with great ease and he was compassionate and tough enough to tell you the truth in a way in which it would genuinely benefit you.

I spent a lot of time with him challenging his perceptions of beauty. I didn't sway him much....

My point....maybe if you take these other guys you find "good looking" off of the pedestal you can take yourself out of the cycle. Try to remember they are just people and maybe they have the exact same problem you do.

 

[m1thousand]

I tell myself I have better things to do with my time.

So get off the board and go do them (I'm kidding)

Dejavudoo
I knew someone would say "look at your other qualities". I will have to get out a piece of paper and make a list of my good qualities to match up with 'my book' of negative qualities.

G Lexington,
Jared may be strong and I'm not sure if your story is meant to address my muscle comment, but I have no desire to lift heavy furniture. I want to look like I could but the actually strength aspect isn't a goal for me. I spent about 2 hours cleaning under my couch - it was a mess under there - and reviving my weight bench that sat at the back of my yard. I have a proper set of weights and I want to start using the weights which I have neglected for so long. To make shapely muscles that don't necessarily have to be strong. I know this will be a long process as can be seen in Youtube 1 year transformation videos. I have to lose the weight first, then build muscle.

I have a fitness flyer as well to help lose the weight

Sixthson,
I was watching the dating show Baggage and there was an attractive guy on the show. But one of his baggage / confessions was "I get drunk daily" and that admission from him made him less appealing. Who wants to be around a person who is getting drunk daily? So he may hav looked good but he had an ugly habit. But truth be told, he said he got drunk after dealing with teaching kids all day. A commendable job, but he is still drinking to get drunk. He had outer beauty but his inner beauty wasnt so hot

Eastofeden,
Just as in the example above, people can put on pretty faces but that doesn't mean they have a pretty life to go with it. And no, I shouldn't put them on pedestals or think they are better than me. THAT is something that I have to work on. It would help to hear from beautiful people and the troubles they have but who will admit they have a ' sucky life' (Big Bang Theory reference) if I asked them.

I will say that social apps are a great place to find out the inner beauty of others or rather the ugliness in that guys wil not reply and I guess one good quality about myself is that I don't not answer a person who messages me. I think that is rude. But there are alot of guys who have no proven not answering if you message them

 

[G-Lexington]

G Lexington,

Jared may be strong and I'm not sure if your story is meant to address my muscle comment, but I have no desire to lift heavy furniture. I want to look like I could but the actually strength aspect isn't a goal for me. I spent about 2 hours cleaning under my couch - it was a mess under there - and reviving my weight bench that sat at the back of my yard. I have a proper set of weights and I want to start using the weights which I have neglected for so long. To make shapely muscles that don't necessarily have to be strong. I know this will be a long process as can be seen in Youtube 1 year transformation videos. I have to lose the weight first, then build muscle.

I have a fitness flyer as well to help lose the weight

I feel like William Shatner in the classic Saturday Night Live episode, where he berates the attendees at a Star Trek convention about their obsession, and at the tail end, a guy tentatively asks "So are you saying we should be paying more attention to the movies?"

I want you to re-read my post. Then re-read it again. If you're coming away from it with nothing else than "you should work on your muscles", then you are engaging in the most selective of selective reading. Yes, my post includes a person who is very strong. I used him as an example, rather than a very attractive person, simply because "strength" is a much more objective measurement, and I had a ready example of "here is somebody who is superior to me in some way, using that superior skill to his advantage". I didn't have a ready story of a guy who was more attractive than me, using his attractiveness to achieve something I couldn't - that's both far more nebulous and subjective, and far more difficult to find a concrete example. Thinking the point is "he's saying I should work on my muscles" is about as accurate as noticing I mention karaoke in the post, and thinking I must be suggesting you go take singing lessons.

Since you appear to have missed the point, let me clear away the underbrush and state as simply as I know how.

There are tons of people who are superior to me.
Not just when it comes to attractiveness, but in any qualification you can think of.
The fact that they are superior to me in these qualities, or even in ALL of them, does not preclude me from interacting with them.
It does not even preclude me from befriending them.
Therefore, there is no reason for me to consider somebody more attractive (or more ANYTHING) than me to be an indictment on me.


Lex

 

[m1thousand]

G Lexington,
I did read your post and its a not a stretch to think that you mentioned a guy who can lift heavy things after I mentioned muscles in my post. I wasnt sure if that was because I wrote about muscles ;-)

You may not think about how a person looks and I do think about looks. We all put different degree of importance of different issues. Someone could be an expert on the British Monarchy and as Shania Twain sang "That dont impress me much" and it could mean nothing to someone else.

 

[G-Lexington]

I can't say as I never think about looks. Just that I don't consider somebody who is more attractive than me to be any sort of reflection either on my own looks, or on my self-worth. It sounds like you do. And I guess one can simply say "we're just different in that regard", but then again, it certainly seems like I'm the one who is having an easier time with it.

Lex

 

[Swellegant]

My key to dealing with the issue of other people's looks comes down to this: beauty exists on its own, I don't have to possess it in order to enjoy it. I don't go to a museum and get pissy because I can't have that Renoir on my living-room wall; I don't look at a sunset and get mad because I can't reproduce it somehow; I don't see a beautiful man and hate myself for not being a beautiful man.

It does piss me off sometimes that I'm not beautiful to my own standards, and I really don't like the face or the body I see in the mirror very much. It pisses me off (even more irrationally) that I can't dance ballet. I can't change these things, and they're really silly--so I laugh at myself. When I hear my mind going off on one of these irrational tangents, I just laugh at it: "Don't be such an idiot, Robert. Might as well get mad at gravity, or the weather."

Anyway, I think I'm physically ugly, and I have come to accept that I'm ugly. Other people disagree with me, but there's no accounting for other people's tastes. The thing is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being ugly. Even in terms of attraction, just look around you at the people you think are patently unattractive who nevertheless have partners...some of whom are actually gorgeous.

The thing is, you have lots of things you can do to be attractive that have nothing to do with facial perfection: like having a personality. Even beautiful people have to have personalities if they want to be loved.

So you make yourself the kind of person you'd want to date: if that means gigantic shoulder caps, well, that's certainly doable, but you can't base a relationship on shoulder-caps. But if it means being kind and loving, exercise that part of your personality; if it means being funny, then let your sense of humor shine out. These things are all just like muscles, you have to exercise them to build them up.

You also have to look at attraction and mating as overlapping but separate phenomena. Yes, you want to find your partner pleasing to look at; but there's more to it than that, you want to have things in common and enjoy his company as well, you have to be enjoyable to him. Getting to know people beyond their surfaces will open up a whole new world about those people.

On a completely other note, m1thousand, don't put off the muscle work until you've lost the weight: building muscle helps burn fat faster than dieting. You won't lose pounds, you'll actually gain them; but you'll convert the fat-weight into muscle-weight, which is leaner, and the greater muscle mass will make burning the fat so much easier. Then, once the fat's off, you can start 'sculpting.' But go ahead and work on muscle mass now, not later, and chart your progress with inches instead of pounds: measure your waist, chest, arms, thighs, etc. rather than stepping on the scale.

Projects that require the success of another project before being started tend to not get started.

 

[peeonme]

This might not make much sense, but here goes;
When we are upset, mad , jealous , resentful etc. of another persons roll in life, be it money, looks, penis size, add what you will to the list, I believe it is not due to low self esteem, but rather thinking to highly of ourselves.
We see it and think it should be ours, why? we think that we are special, we deserve "it".
Then the self hating sets in, I have failed, we tell ourselves, I should have the looks, big cock, money and so forth.
What have I done wrong? How can I get what should be mine?
The question I would ask is who in the hell am I to think that I deserve any of this? I have asked myself this question by the way, when I went broke back in 2008, a part of me went on a pity trip, life was so unfair!
I had to quickly nip it in the bud.
I reminded myself that not one time had I ever been without food or shelter, I have never been sold into slavery, never been shipped off to a death camp by some nut.
I have lived better than 90 percent of those who have existed, so, if my dick is small(and it is) and I am short (only5'7') and I am under paid, not the best looking guy around, well, it's fine with me, life has been pretty good.
I hope that maybe this will help you, it not meant as a criticism, only as a way of putting life into perspective.