Why don't gay men try to settle down?

[chrisw87]

btw...that 'checking in' thing you speak of is moreso to let one's better half know they are safe or doing okay wherever they may be. It's not akin to imprisonment or being on a leash, Naughty.
People in relationships do tend to care about one another...so that's a big part of it.

Not to mention, it can also be another way of 'sharing' with them.

You're seeing things through your little warped view of relationships. LOL

THAAAANK YOU

When I have a significant other I like to know where they are going so I know that they will be safe etc. If they just said "out" and then leave with no contact for 48hrs then your mind would naturally start to wonder if they are ok or if they ended up in some trouble.

Some relationships work this way, but not with me unfortunately, and It doesn't bother me when my partners have the same attitude because I can understand that if you usually spend your lives together, you want to know where the other person will be in case of emergency or if something goes wrong.

edit: and sorry, just to say, relationships are all about communication. A simple "I'm going here, I should be back around this time/day" is perfect, I don't want status updates every 5 minutes, just an ETA and a rough idea. Although I have experienced the 'joy' of being whipped in the past, it didn't bother me, but I can understand how it infringes on your personal freedom. Alone time is great in any relationship.

 

[operafan]

Oh, I dunno -- my first boyfriend and I settled down for 27 years until he passed.

 

[jasoncrew03]

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact it is not something that has ever been something that gays are encouraged to do. For straight men and women, it's "the norm" to settle down, get married, and have children. Even if it's not right for that person, many still wind up doing it. Many gays are told not be who they are at all, let alone to settle down with another person of the same gender. There's also the fact that the "bachelor effect" is doubled when you have a situation involving two men.

As for me, I settled down and got married. I've always been extremely individualistic, but it's just nice to have somebody to go through life with. I also don't think it's only for people "30 and older." I'm 20.

 

[bankside]

What freedom would I have if I were single that I do not have now?

I have a husband, not a supervisor.

And I am still shaking my head at the vast quantities of gay guys who say "what I really want is a relationship. Why do no men ever possibly want a relationship." I want to put you all in the same room and tell you to lOok around and count each other.

 

[WhiteKnightWolf]

I'm just going to come out and say I used to believe the same thing as OP. I used to think that no one was interested in a relationship and I'd never find a steady boyfriend and live forever alone blah blah blah. Now I'm 21. I've been in a one year relationship and honestly... I'm unhappy. I rushed into this because I was scared of being alone. Fuck what anyone else thinks, go have fun and hook up with as many guys as you want to. Think of how many women throughout time have never been allowed to have a good sex life because they were married off early. Commitment is only right when its meant to be, forcing it is almost as bad as being a frustrated single.

 

[bankside]

You are confusing isolation with freedom. Maybe if you were alone on a remote island or on a lakeside in the middle of the tundra or something. In the land of other humans, there is no part of our lives from the moment we're born to the moment we're dead where we can "do your own thing." life involves dealing with people and interacting with them. Even in a hook-up you have to figure out what the other person wants to do with you otherwise "doing your own thing" counts as rape. Even in Miami.

I mean what are you going to do if a ship comes to your desert island an you swim out to it and they throw you a rope with a life preserver attached and tell you to grab hold? I picture you shouting back "Don't tell me what to do!"

 

[Musik2400]

My relationship took away my freedom to watch whatever I want on television, whenever I want to......

 

[chrisw87]

My relationship took away my freedom to watch whatever I want on television, whenever I want to......

My longest relationship made me endure watching every episode of The Gilmore Girls.

You have to take the good with the very bad sometimes.

 

[kayman23]

Do you still stand by this? Because for the life of me, I can't understand how it could be true.

Most of my coupled friends can't go half a day without "checking in" with their significant other. That alone would totally kill my sense of freedom.

Who or what the hell are you friends with? They sound like some needy mofos. They sound like the 'codependent' type, and that is not healthy. I'm very much relationship-minded and can go days without talking to my BF with it bothering me, but I have the mutual respect to let him know I am OK. However, I am very good alone, but enjoy the relationships that I have.

 

[kayman23]

This comment might be two years old, but holy shit does its ignorance still sting.

Maybe because there is some truth to that statement...

 

[kayman23]

The thread was "why don't gay men try to settle down?"

By definition, a gay man not trying to settle down has as much of a right to participate in this thread as one who the question wasn't even targeted at.

I've said before that I speak on relationships because I like to be outspoken on the fact that they aren't necessary for everyone, even though society attempts to paint you negatively when you are not in one.



Truth in that someone who has lots of protected sex likely is the reason that HIV is global? Yea, okay, you have fun with that.

Meanwhile, I tend to remember constant barebacking being a part of history before the virus became the force it is now.

People like you and Nomenclature are simply doing the same pathetic "slut-shaming" that men have tried to hit women with when they proudly enjoy sex. Only you guys are assigning yourselves extra rights to do so against gays, ignorantly using the magic word "HIV" to justify your bigotry without the slightest education on how the disease spreads.

Where did I say "proudly enjoy sex" is a bad thing? Oh yeah, condoms can and will break...

The reason why STIs have become prominent because of lack of education, poor judgment, and casual sex. However, at the end of the day casual sex is one of the contributing factor. If it is true, then it is true. You sound like one of those that enjoys justifying bullshit just because it fits conveniently within your own worldview. That is fine, but don't ignore the facts that speak the contrary because you just look plain foolish.

Oh yeah, last time I remember you are the one shunning those of us that enjoy relationships. I am not shunning anyone aside from personally not dealing with guys that I know are promiscuous because that's what personal freedom/judgment offers you a choice.

 

[pat grimshaw]

^ Looks like people have different definitions of what 'settling down' and marriage is.

My definition is when you have a joint bank account.

 

[kayman23]

You pretty much co-signed Nomenclature's implication of that very sentiment--that having all the sex you want makes HIV global.



No I don't. I'm happy that people find happiness in relationships. My best friends are in relationships and I love them. I shun the idea that relationships are a must for everyone, and those who perpetuate that closed-minded thinking.

Actually, I didn't. I said there is some truth in his statement. If I had I agree wholeheartedly then I would concur, but I didn't so you accusation is null and voided.

 

[Asenath]

I know more than a few married, heterosexual couples who don't join their finances in that fashion.

 

[pat grimshaw]

^ and there are millions of over-entitled de facto heterosexual couples who go and set up house and have babies and they go crying to the courts when they mess things up.

 

[Asenath]

I'm just saying, that's a pretty arbitrary measurement of who is "settled" or "married."

 

[-Kane-]

Some have made the point that Gay men are conditioned into the behavior we exhibit among each other.
And others have made the point that most Gay guys are playing catch up after postponing their adolescence and 20s..

I pretty much agree with both points, so everything I wanted to say has been already belabored and debated....

So back to lurking for me...

 

[vanvan10081]

Okay so let's talk about this properly. If you mean settle down as in get into a relationship with a guy, and it be monogamous. Then there's guys that already do that. If you're wondering why there isn't as many guys partnered together, well, there's other things there such as compatibility. From what movie they like, to their pet peeves, to the vibes they get from the guy. There's many reasons why.

If you're talking about the general sense of why, here's what i think. There's this annoyingly large amount of guys that just look for "MASC4MASC", "no FEMS","none over 30" or "no azn." Isn't it a little absurd? There's this anti fem thing that is just absurd. The way boys are raised doesn't really make sense. Guys are expected to be indifferent and be clueless about feelings, or reject them if they have any. Or "think straight." Obviously, you've got to use common sense, with anything or anyone you're dealing with. What is there to be proud of with insensitivity or being just plain clueless? What's even sadder is that it has become basically an archetype of what masculinity is about or to expect from it.

You know what i'm looking for? A gay man. A guy who is comfortable with his feelings, has a good tongue for food, and is sensible as well as intelligent. Maybe some days he feels like belting out some "Queen of the Night" while building a cabinet. Then in the evening he treats me for dinner at some restaurant i feel i gotta get dressed up for, because you wanna look good when you go to Lips [you go for dinner and drag queens put on a show]. Isn't it important to be gay and embrace who you are and what you love?

Carrying on. There is also the issue of fear. Fear of the affection they give to a guy not being reciprocated. Well, that's a human reaction. There's just this vicious cycle of gays not properly learning about what a relationship is because the whole society is being force fed the manufactured version. Why can't a relationship be what you make of it? Why does it have to be, these are the things that he's gotta be doing OR ELSE he's not really into you. The ignorance is what screws people up. The fear that a guy is going to screw you over or the expectation that he's going to be over you real soon is what makes guys try to "pull one over" on each other. What's with the games? Guys trying to see how much the other guy really likes him, and when he finds out he kinda pretends that he's not too into him. Because of course, you should never let on that you really like a guy--that's so not hot. Then, to promote that idea so that the guy chases him, he pretends as if there's just a harem of guys he could choose from. Even if you have a harem of guys to choose from, why play the game?

So many guys lose potentially great guys because of this bullshit. Guess what else contributes to this? The fact that we lost a bunch of Gay Power we had back in the 70s. There was unity back then. Today, there's a lot of, "i couldn't care less." Back then, it wasn't always safe to be gay, so those who were out or were aware of others who were gay, took them in. Some gave them a place to stay, a place to hangout, and discover other gays. Why? Because you should always gay it forward and welcome new members of the community.

I'm tired of snobby gays. I'm tired of scene queens and club kids that size you up and give you a death glare if theyre not into you. Or if they just see you. What happened to smiling at someone and just hangin out? This is why i don't go to gay clubs. I don't think that way. I don't think, is this a guy i can pick up? When i go to a club, i wanna dance, i want to have actual fun, i don't want to cruise. I don't expect it to be kumbaya, but i'm looking for camaraderie in the community i feel like i belong to.

 

[Musik2400]

Did you consider getting a separate TV to watch alone?

Well our buddy in our apartment building is getting a new tv, and giving us his old one. When he does, I'm hooking my PS3 up to it so I can play video games while he watches the shows I hate lol!

 

[skinIsIn]

...I feel like being in a relationship would mess with my freedom.

I want the freedom to isolate myself at will. I've always wanted this.

You're talking about someone who would pass up a trip with friends easily just to travel alone--simply for the opportunity to do what he wants to do without collaboration or compromise. You're also talking to someone who fantasizes of what it would be like having the entire world to himself for a period of days, weeks, months, even years.

Howard Roark, is that you?
Methinks "NaughtyArousal" dosed The Fountainhead koolade a bit too strong as a teen!