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Not for the faint of heart or easily offended...
- Thread starter BenF
- Start date
BenF
Vodka and mouthwash
Q) Why do doctors shag nurses?
A) Cos they're too lazy to wank.
A) Cos they're too lazy to wank.
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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A German couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Greek baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Greek?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Greek baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."[/font]
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Greek?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Greek baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."[/font]
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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was a tour bus in Wales that stopped in the middle of a town square.
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his goat.
"What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the goat's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the goat's genitals!"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story.
Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the goat's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the goat's nuts."
"Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."[/font]
The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.
One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his goat.
"What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the goat's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.
"It's about 2:00", he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the goat's genitals!"
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story.
Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the goat's genitals.
The local says "Sit down here and grab the goat's nuts."
"Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."[/font]
BenF
Vodka and mouthwash
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?
Taxi for me? Is that the time already?
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?
Taxi for me? Is that the time already?
BenF
Vodka and mouthwash
Thread hauled up from the vaults in the hope that some people will have some more to add 
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These'll completely ruin my reputation .....
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
What's red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
What's red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2005
- Posts
- 17,488
- Reaction score
- 75
- Points
- 48
- Location
- Lincoln, UK
- Website
- danny-uk.blogspot.co.uk
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What's the best thing about a blow job from an ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhaed are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in them.
Did you hear about the new paint called 'blonde' paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.
Do you know why they call it the wonder bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The
other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
Save me a seat on that bus to Hell.
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What's the best thing about a blow job from an ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhaed are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in them.
Did you hear about the new paint called 'blonde' paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.
Do you know why they call it the wonder bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The
other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
Save me a seat on that bus to Hell.
ixthrock
radical faerie
the brunette approaches the blonde by the rr trax. the gorgeous blonde is jumping back and forth across the trax, saying, "28, 28, 28, 28...." the brunette says, "what in the sam hill are you doing?" the blonde says, "oh! you caught me! it's just a little secret us blondes have, it's the secret to all of our sexual allure. it's a form of exercise, really, it does wonders - you won't believe it." so the brunette shakes her head, and walks further up the trax. but she looks back and takes another look at the blonde, and begins jumping back and forth across the trax: "28, 28, 28, 28..." suddenly the bullet train comes and runs the brunette down. the blonde, seeing this, begins jumping back and forth across the trax again: "29, 29, 29, 29...."
stuboy
sometimes good mostly bad
There was a farmer and his son who ran the ranch by themselves. One day when the son was in the field, a terrible accident happened, and the son lost an eye. The old farmer was too poor to buy his son a glass eye, so he made one out of finely polished oak wood and hand painted it.
It was many years before the son was exposed to the public, and the local farmers were holding a square dance for their sons and daughters. That night the boy got all dressed up and went to the dance, where he spent most of the night bored, sitting in the corner all by himself.
Suddenly he spotted a girl in the other corner who had a harelip. He thought to himself, "Now that's a girl who would understand me!", so he walked over to the girl.
"Would you like to dance?", he said.
The girl replied, "Would I!"
The boy shouted, "I didn't call you cunt face did I?"
It was many years before the son was exposed to the public, and the local farmers were holding a square dance for their sons and daughters. That night the boy got all dressed up and went to the dance, where he spent most of the night bored, sitting in the corner all by himself.
Suddenly he spotted a girl in the other corner who had a harelip. He thought to himself, "Now that's a girl who would understand me!", so he walked over to the girl.
"Would you like to dance?", he said.
The girl replied, "Would I!"
The boy shouted, "I didn't call you cunt face did I?"
stuboy
sometimes good mostly bad
[font="] One day when Two men were inspecting a high rise building and started talking to the worker. "I'll show you how to make some easy money," said the workman, "watch this!" He dropped a brick off the building and yelled, "Falling Brick!"
A lady moved out of the way and the three men rushed down to se if she was all right.
"Oh," said the lady, "thanks for the warning, here's $50.00."
The inspectors thought this was great. When they got back to the top of the building the first inspector threw a brick off, yelled, "Falling brick!" and pocketed $100.00.
The second inspector had a stutter, but he liked a bit of fun.
"I'll-l-l h-h-avh a g-g-go." He said. He pushed the brick off and yelled, "F-f-f......Fuck, I got him!"[/font]
A lady moved out of the way and the three men rushed down to se if she was all right.
"Oh," said the lady, "thanks for the warning, here's $50.00."
The inspectors thought this was great. When they got back to the top of the building the first inspector threw a brick off, yelled, "Falling brick!" and pocketed $100.00.
The second inspector had a stutter, but he liked a bit of fun.
"I'll-l-l h-h-avh a g-g-go." He said. He pushed the brick off and yelled, "F-f-f......Fuck, I got him!"[/font]
FirePhoenix
Insanity v2.0
these are some sick and evil jokes (I love them)
Sausy
JUB 10k Club
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if they were funny,I wouldn't be.Virtually the whole list was in bad taste,but was just shock value manure-grade "Humor".I am not offended as much as underwhelmed.Maybe there is something wrong with my sense of humor-which I do have.Well,my freedom is to say most of the jokes here miss the mark,and yours is to continue posting them.BenF46 said:Right...bad taste jokes are the order of the day I think...PLEASE don't be offended!
Q) What's blue and fucks grannies?
A) Hypothermia
Q) What's blue and doesn't fit?
A) A dead epileptic
Q) What's pink, stiff, 12 inches long and makes women scream?
A) Cotdeath
Like I say...please don't be offended.
stuboy
sometimes good mostly bad
[font="]Poor little Johnny had been blind from birth. One night before he went to bed, his mother told him that the next day was very special. She told him if he prayed very hard to God, he would be able see when he woke up. Johnny was very excited and prayed very hard for two hours.
The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"
Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"
Stew
[/font]
The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"
Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"
Stew
[/font]
