Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Took a long 40 block walk here in Brooklyn, ate lunch at Subway, bought Brokeback Mountain to see what the talk was all about, got it for 14 bucks and also bought Simple Life 3 : Interns...walked past where he used to live and also where we first met and talked(the gym)..Sometimes I like torturing myself to see how much I can take...Im not feeling well...going to watch these till later then take another long walk with my dog Dante..going to walk the path that me and my buddy used to take...Hurting so much today and its all I think about..Im not going to call him..I would seem too pushy...will let him call when hes ready..Brian

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri --
I wish I could make the pain go away, dude. I feel for ya.
This is what I expected when you first told him you loved him and he didn't say it back: the world turns black, your heart wants to wrench the universe back into place but the universe doesn't care about your heart, nothing is the same, and you're powerless.
This is also why I've been saying to go see him! This is the kind of stuff that just doesn't fly on phone or e-mail. You need to be able to see each other's faces, and all the other body language.
I think kyanimal offered flying miles. There's money sitting on my desk for you. Don't let pride get in your way; accept our help and go see the man!

 

[NameTaken]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Damn man... I didn't see this turn of events coming. Hope it all works out. I'd hate to this the same shit happen to another person. Don't wait too long to call him. He may be waiting for the same thing from you.

 

[hotspot]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you are feeling a bit better now. Regarding your situation with Andy, my only advice to you is that since you can't have him anyway, just be honest with him and tell him everything you feel. You can tell him that you love him so much and knowing you can never have him hurts you badly. Especially with the money issue, tell him that you love him and you would like to help him badly, but you are also in a financial difficulty yourself.

I have had experiences before people interpret taking a break equals breaking up the relationship/friendship. So he might feel that way. Probably it's best if you take a rest for a day or two before you call him. See if he calls you before that. So far he's been doing well with the fact that you're gay and you're in love with him. So perhaps it should be an open communication channel right now because you don't have anything to hide from him anymore. Just tell him what it is, your feeling, your financial problems etc.
Hope things are getting better for you. Keep us updated.

 

[Lestat62]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Bri, sorry you're so down.

It's time for you and Andy to say to each other everything that's on your minds. Tell him you've been acting this way for a while becuase you are in love with him and that you are having a hard time dealing with it. Remember when you told him you were in love with him? He said he's not gay. OK. But he still acted as if there are things he's not completely telling you. And based on how you described it here, it was like he's telling you to your face he's not gay but is having second thoughts (bi? who knows?) If you think that the friendship is over, which I don't, lay it all out. There is nothing left to keep from each other anymore. I know that you would tell him everything. Do you think that he would completely open up to you? You gotta do it!

We're here for you, but as averageguy stated, go see a counsellor at school. It probably means coming out to someone else, but you'll get better help then from any of us.

Joe.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well update time again...


While Im watching Brokeback my buddy calls me...I paused it, picked up the phone and said hello. He said Im just calling to see if everything is ok..I said everything is cool..he goes...ok..talk to you later..and hangs up.

My heart hurt....I wanted to say it wasnt ok.....I wanted to say so, much much more.

I called him back immediately and it rang and rang. I left a message.
I called him back a second time...didnt leave a message.
I called him back a third time and left another message.

I started to panic thinking that he might think Im being stalkerish but at this point, I didnt care...

He called me back a few minutes later.

I said can we talk? He goes sure...I said I want to talk about last night and the past few nights.

I cannot repeat verbatim what we said..I said there is a lot of people that hate you buddy and I am guilty of doing the exact opposite...Im so sorry..I couldnt control my heart as much as I fought against it. I told him I would work on it and see someone for help.

He said your just confused and you have a sickness right now. I said buddy Im not sick, Im confused. He goes yes its a sickness now because you once told me you had feelings for me but now its going on a while.

He asked how long has this really been going on...I said a while...he goes because I have ben looking back on things and double thinking some things now.

His tone was rather matter of fact and it scared me. He was sounding cold.

He said he was ignoring my calls today because thats what he thought I wanted to do...to stay away from things and clear my head a little..but he said he called back because he wanted me to talk.

He said he was angry at me but doesnt hate me..he still accepts me..he was mad that I made a comment about him having a good life with his mother and wife..and that the way I said i sounded like I was bitter..he said he doesnt like how I could stop calling him for a week at a time and then the next week call him everyday. He said he can never have hate for me and accepts me but there are some things he wanted to tell me.

He said he doesnt like anyone Im around. He doesnt like my family and doesnt appreciate how they were not there for me when the chips were down for me...he doesnt like how they meddle in my life...and doesnt like how I have no self confidence about myself and that I am easily persuaded.

He didnt like that I lied to him bout drugs a year or two ago and doesnt like me staying out here. He went on to tell me how I could come out there and be alive and experience life and not to be so scared anymore...he could help me find work he told me.

He said he doesnt like Matt at all and doesnt think hes good for me and that I deserve better..he said he doesnt want me seeing a shrink because they will just turn me against him..he wants me to come out there soon..he wants me to wake up and not settle here.

The conversation then switched and he said in his opinion how he thinks that I chose to live this life and I wasnt born like this..I disagreed and we mutually agreed to disagree and dropped it..

He said he loves me like a brother and always will and that he was and is just still a little weirded out by things...He said if he ever saw Matt he would put something in his ass but it wouldnt be his dick it would be his foot.

we both started to lighten up and joke like we always do..He said see..it went from bad to good, we can never be mad at each other long buddy..and we talked about golden showers and my experiences with Matt...And he made a comment that how I should have been watching other things than his ass the past few years...and we both laughed..just to reassure him a little I lied and said he wasnt my type and he said THANK GOD...I go I know buddy..I know...

He said he was going to gamble and play poker tonight...I asked him in a few months if he would be willing to help me with money and he said if he could he definitely will. We talked about everything from golden showers and adoption to our future kids..etc...the call ended ok..

Guys I have to get my shit together...mentally, financially and educationally.

I need to realize..and I really am..that he is straight and not into anything like that.

I need to pay off my debts here.

I need to finish my schooling.

I need to move out to Vegas...I really want to move out there in the summer...we will se how things go....talk to you later, going for my walk..please any advice would be appreciated. Brian

The only thing I truly cared about is if our friendship has or will change and he at first said time will tell..but then later on said things wont change...and in the end thats all I care about..brian

 

[BreezyBoy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

- THE END -​

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hollywoods been saying that for years..they always make sequels...just kidding..yeah I hope this is the beginning of the end of my pain and anguish and the start of me caring about me...Brian

 

[Lestat62]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

Don't ever let any one tell you that being gay is a choice. It's not!! It's the way we were born. Also, go to Vegas only if you want to go to Vegas. Just understand that you will have friends other than Andy since he really doesn't seem comfortable with our lifestyle. It'll be easy for you to hang out with him at straight bars but I don't think he'll hang out with you at gay bars even if you are going there to do the same things you would do at a straight bar, have a few drinks, maybe shoot some pool.

You're very willing to adjust your life to socialize with him in his; he needs to do the same with you. I know it's tough for a straight guy to walk into a gay bar with his gay friend, but if anybody approaches, just say that you two are together. Hopefully this would make Andy feel more comfortable.

Just letting you know how I feel. Hope I didn't step over thin line.

Joe.

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri, as much as you want to move out there I'm going to have to recommend against it. I fear if you settle down there you won't allow yourself to love others or let anyone else special into your life. You'll keep pining for someone who cannot return the love you need. Keep connected, but keep your distance. You can move on with your life without moving on with him.

 

[CGHJ]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

This is exactly what Sam and I went through before the frienship died forever. I've already given you all the advice I can...you just need to follow it. He loves you so much, why is it impossible for you to beoieve it? I wish you the best of luck.

You should stop lying to him though:

"..just to reassure him a little I lied and said he wasnt my type and he said THANK GOD...I go I know buddy..I know..."

So you want this guy to love you, but you have so little self-confidence that you want to spare him the trouble? is that it? You love him so much you think he's too good for you? So you lied and said he wasn't your type, and he lied and said THANK GOD. What did you think he'd say in reply to that? "Well Brian, to bad I'm not your type cuz you're exactly my type." "THANK GOD" is a cover. You lie to him about how you feel but you take everything he says at face value, why?

And what's his big depression issue? That's so deep it's like your gay thing? If it was him wanting to be with you you may have already finished that off by telling him he's not your type.

Take the free air miles and fucking go to Vegas Brian, and stop lying to your best friend, he's not stupid on the one hand and he deserves better than that on the other. You're trying to save him trouble but what you're actually doing is causing him trouble, and the end result is going to be that it fucks your friendship. But you have to stop running away whenever you're about to get what you want because you can't believe something good would actually happen to you.

However now you really will have to chill on the love stuff as he likely feels rebuffed and a little freaked that you ignored him and then pestered him...if it was hard for him to come to terms with his feelings before, you just made it a lot easier for him to actually choose to be straight.

When Sam and I had the final fight that ended everything I also was tired of being in love with him and I wanted to move on. I was actually pissed that he was treating me like I was his girlfriend, even though that's what I wanted more than anything, and it was me that walked away. Little did I know that he was in love with me and all I actually had to do was be honest with him. I think about that a lot.

You learned your honesty lesson Brian, but now you've forgotten it again. And the same thing is happening as the last time, see a pattern?

Or, you can be like me and walk away and start caring about you, and cary the pain with you for the rest of your life.

I've never mentioned this, but the toll of helping you has been extreme. Not a single night goes by that I don't dream about being with Sam, and then when I realize that we'll never be together, but that we could have...it's the most intense psychic pain I think I can imagine..it's like a sucking, ringing black hole of loss, like what you'd imagine a kidd from a Dementor would be like in Harry Potter. Sometimes I wake up crying. You cannot even imagine how painful it is, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except try to prevent you from making the exact same mistakes that I did.

If you turn away from Andy, you will hurt him terribly, and he will hate you for it. You'll lose your friend as well as your chance to be together.

As always, good luck and BE STRONG!!!

 

[strangelittleboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I think you should just tell him the truth....You just said that you play your feelings down....why? To make him feel better? Who cares about making him feel better, these are your feelings. If you know it's not the truth when you say it, why bother saying it?

Just say, "I love you so much and I don't know what to do.." Don't say, "You're not my type."

Just be honest man....don't spare his feelings for yours...He can handle it....he can handle it no matter what you say and I think you should take this opportunity to tell him why you fell in love with him and how you wish it could be....otherwise, he'll never know because you keep saying, "you're not my type...." or "it's not like that.." or "i'm getting over it." That's not the truth...

Don't spare his feelings...he's already knee-deep in this and you can't go back, so why can't you just say what you want to say without affecting him? If he was going to stop being your friend, he wouldn't be here.......

PLEASE.........PLEASE.......PLEEEEEEEASE....just fucking say you love him with all of your heart and tell him the reasons why!

I'm getting worked up over here. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but just take advantage of his good-natured attitude even if it's a little tense. If I were in his shoes, I'd want to know why my best friend fell for me....wouldn't you?

So just TELL him

strangelittleboy

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Strange has it exactly right, Brian.
And so does CGHJ when he says "Take the free air miles and fucking go to Vegas Brian, and stop lying to your best friend, he's not stupid on the one hand and he deserves better than that on the other".
Don't be so proud that you won't take help from people who care. You two need to talk face-to-face. Make a weekend free, and GO!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Just got back from my long walk, thanks for the comments guys..will definitely listen to your advice a lot more closely..

I am planing on moving to Vegas in August, that is if everything over here goes ok...but thats the plan for now..Im moving out to Vegas because I love it there and it doesnt hurt that my best friend in the whole world is there...

Im going to go watch the rest of Brokeback...not bad so far ..thanks for the continued support.

As much as I love Andy..and as much as he already knows it...I kind of gotta move on with me..moving to Vegas to be near him so we can continue to have good times again like we always used to.

It will be interesting to see the next talk..how it goes with Andy..Iill let you know...Brian

 

[Treborf]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I think it's time to move on. He knows how you feel and he told you he's straight. At some point, you're going to just have to take his word for it. Should it turn out that someday he realizes that he is in love with you, well, you can deal with that when it comes. But in the mean time, I don't think it's a good idea to have so much invested in someone so unavailable.

 

[Lestat62]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

Sounds like you had a good walk. You need one of those nice long walks with Dante every week. Glad to hear you're going to Vegas.

Joe.

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

HONESTY is ALWAYS the Best Policy! A very tough lesson that has taken my Lifetime to learn! I was raised to present the Truth as an Undercurrent in what I expected Others really wanted to hear! And now, after many regrets, I'm finally realizing that just doesn't work! ... because "They" usually didn't "Get It"!! My fault, not Theirs! And ... I have usually ended up paying Dearly for it!! Please, Bri, don't continue doing what I've done for so long!!

And WHY did I do that? Basically because I didn't TRUST "Them", enough, to handle it the way that I'd Hoped! Through all of this Time, I've been Underestimating my Fellow "Man"! And even this very Thread should serve as a Prime Example, given ALL the responses, of how Wrong I (and You!) have been!

Between You, and Andy, we're talkin' "Best Buds" here, Bro! Who else could You possibly Give YOURSELF to with No Stings attached? Can HE accept, and deal with, ALL of "It"?? Who the Hell knows? But ... You must at least give Him enough Credit, Trust, Yes! ... even LOVE ... to allow Him the "Courtesy" of KNOWING YOU without Bounds!

Will it go the way You WISH? Nobody knows! But YOU at least Owe HIM the option of Knowing YOU as You TRULY Are! Yes??

NOT "Easy", by Far! But ... and I'm entirely Serious about this ... for YOUR own Good, and His ... drop the Pretenses, tell Him the Entire TRUTH! ... and be prepared to let "The Cards" fall as they might!

LIFE is TOO Short to Live it with Second Guesses and Assumptions! And You seem to be living with that just now! Break the Pattern! Come "Clean"! Be TRUE to Your Faith in Your Own Heart, and the Friendship You have with Andy!

No matter what ... as "They" say ... the TRUTH shall set You FREE! ... From Doubt, from Uncertainty, from Second Guessing, from Fear, from Depression, and Self "Loathing"!

Our REGRETS are usually the result of what we DIDN'T DO! "The Roads not Travelled"! From MY Experiences ... You can take That "To The Bank"!! But is That really what you want to have Saved??

Relax, Bri! Lower Your Guard with Andy! You really DO have all the Strength You need for what may come! And ... who knows? ... He may just surprise You! Trust your "Best Bud"! Trust Yourself! Trust Your Heart!!

And ... Yeah! ... Those flyer miles still need to be used by Someone!

No matter what, though ...

Keep smilin'!!
Ky

 

[strangelittleboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I think you should just bear your soul when you see him...cry....just say, "is there any chance that we can be together...at least plant that question into his head..

 

[lawdude]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

His tone was rather matter of fact and it scared me. He was sounding cold.

He said he was ignoring my calls today because thats what he thought I wanted to do...to stay away from things and clear my head a little..but he said he called back because he wanted me to talk.

He said he was angry at me but doesnt hate me..he still accepts me..he was mad that I made a comment about him having a good life with his mother and wife..and that the way I said i sounded like I was bitter..he said he doesnt like how I could stop calling him for a week at a time and then the next week call him everyday. He said he can never have hate for me and accepts me but there are some things he wanted to tell me.

He said he doesnt like anyone Im around. He doesnt like my family and doesnt appreciate how they were not there for me when the chips were down for me...he doesnt like how they meddle in my life...and doesnt like how I have no self confidence about myself and that I am easily persuaded.

He didnt like that I lied to him bout drugs a year or two ago and doesnt like me staying out here. He went on to tell me how I could come out there and be alive and experience life and not to be so scared anymore...he could help me find work he told me.

He said he doesnt like Matt at all and doesnt think hes good for me and that I deserve better..he said he doesnt want me seeing a shrink because they will just turn me against him..he wants me to come out there soon..he wants me to wake up and not settle here.

The conversation then switched and he said in his opinion how he thinks that I chose to live this life and I wasnt born like this..I disagreed and we mutually agreed to disagree and dropped it..

He said he loves me like a brother and always will and that he was and is just still a little weirded out by things...He said if he ever saw Matt he would put something in his ass but it wouldnt be his dick it would be his foot.

Okay I am just quoting some of this post becuase this part stood out to me. I have been reading this thread for a while and am now commenting. I think this has been said but I will say it again: I think that he is using you and manipulating you. This exchange I quoted above appears to me to be an attempt to undermine your self-confidence. And I think that he is trying to isolate you. He doesn't like your family, he doesn't like your therapist because he thinks he (or she?) is turning you against him, and wants to kick Matts ass. What the hell is that last part about (jealousy?)?. He wants you to think that he is all you have in your life. I don't want you to isolate yourself from others besides him and not live your life fully.

 

[CGHJ]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I think you should just bear your soul when you see him...cry....just say, "is there any chance that we can be together...at least plant that question into his head..

Hey Strange, I can see where you're coming from, but from personal experience I think that will scare him off. Just think, when have you ever fallen for someone because they were needy? It's an easy trap to fall into too, I know cuz I fell into it and it caused me a lot of misery.

I don't know what advice to give you anymore buddy...I want you two to end up together, but it seems like...I don't even know what it seems like. Do you want to be with him? Be his friend? Be away from him? Do you know?