Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

What worries me about my friend is that everytime since I told him gay...when he wants to bring that topic up...hell say..."what we talked about" ....He'll never actually say the words "since u told me u were gay"...so I dont know what to think...I know hes ok with it..but maybe his girl was around and he didnt want to keep saying it? Maybe HE was uncomfortable saying it?: I dont know....I told him that my college classes are going well and that Im meeting and hanging out with new and different people..I could tell in his voice that he didnt like that and was jealous..He kept asking over and over "please dont forget me...just dont forget me..thats my biggest fear is that you will forget me.." and of course I said I wouldnt, which I wont!!!

But anyway we left off saying how good it was to finally be able to talk for a little while and that we couldnt wait to talk again....anyway thats my small update guys..speak to you more soon...Bri

Ask him! A friend as good as that will tell you if he's uncomfortable. And if it would do you good to hear him say you're gay, tell him so!
I finally told my best buddy that it totally bugs me that he goes dead silent when I tell him about dancing with a dude. I said he's known three years longer than I have, and he should be more used to me being like this than I am! He laughed at that, and said he'll try to do better, but DON'T tell him if I spent the night with a dude! And Eric isn't as good a friend to me as your buddy is to you, so just get it out there.

I have a pal who's in jail right now, and he's worried that I'm looking for friends to "replace him". I told him that's not it, I just need more friends in my life -- but it's up to him to believe me. Tell your buddy the same thing -- you're not trying to replace him, and you won't forget him, but it's good to have another friend or two.

Somehow... either he's REALLY emotionally dependent on you for some reason, or he wants you in more than "just great friends" fashion -- that's my guess.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys whats up..I am back to post with a rare early morning update...


Ii woke up to my alarm at 5am and realized there was a message on the machine...It was my buddy and he sounded sad, he was asking if I was there to pick up the phone...As soon as I heard the message I called him and he immediately picked up..


He said that he misses me very much and how he hoped that things were different and that he is always thinking about what I am doing during the day ...He said he was putting up a front before and he is really sad...sad about me not being there and he doesnt know how he is going to last out there without me..He was sad in a way about me hanging with different and new people out here and I said I miss him also. He said he doesnt want me to forget about him or try to replace him and I assured him thats silly and that I wouldnt...He said while hes happy out there because thats the place he wants to spend his life, that its very much a different place without me there...I told him I think about him all the time and that it is different here also without him..I said you are lucky to have 3 great friends...I said besides your wife you have me..and your two other childhood friends...and he goes "they are nothing like you...other friends? I have no other friends..you are the only one that cares for me.." I told him that unlike his mom or dad or some of his other friends that I will always be here for him no matter what...

We stayed on for an hour and a half and we simply ended the call saying..."Goodbye..I miss you.." and he said "Bri, I mis you so much too..." I told him I would call him tonight...and he said he would do the same....


See what I mean??? When his girl was around before he was cool..if not jovial...and then later on when shes asleep..he opens up to me more...whats up with that? Maybe hes afraid of being this emotional around his girl...and if so isnt that bad that he cant be like that with his girl???? I don't know...all I know is Im glad to hear from my bro....


P.S.-Kul you hit the nail on the head..we are both emotionally dependent on each other...sometimes I think hes more dependent than me.....talk to you all soon...Brian

 

[halubtsi]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

LV, I'm glad your buddy was able to let his guard down. I don't think it's unusual for your friend to act tough around his girlfriend. It's unfortunate he can't be as open around her, but it's understandable. I know a few guys who'll be ultra-chauvinistic in the presence of other guys, but be very open when they're alone with me. Whereas, they'd never discuss girlfriend problems in front of other guys, they'll readily discuss it with me.

You're comfortable around your buddy, and he's comfortable around you. You've shared things with each other that I'm sure neither one of you has shared with anyone else. He does seem to be dependent on you. That's not surprising, since he really has opened up to you. We already know that he's closer to you than he is to his girlfriend. From what you've told us so far, it looks like a relationship of convenience more than anything else. Since they've been together for so long, it's like they think marriage is the next logical step, regardless of the fact that she doesn't fill his emotional needs. But I digress. He depends on you to fulfill him emotionally. He knows no one else with whom he can do that. He invested time in your friendship and discovered that he could tell you anything. He doesn't want to lose the only outlet where he can truly be himself; unencumbered, no facades.

His fears are justified too. You've come out and dealt with your sexuality. Yes, you've only told him, but in time, you may have the confidence to start dating guys. And truth be told, if you do start going out with someone, do you not feel that there is a slight possibility that you'll provide greater emotional support to your boyfriend than your bestfriend? Keep in mind, if you start going out with a guy, it wouldn't be out of convenience...It'd be (I'd hope, anyway) because you like the person...perhaps even love the guy. Then again, you could always just go out with some gl guy so you could have a trophy boyfriend, while keeping your emotional side with your best friend...but I don't really think that's the best way to go, imo.

Anyway, thanks for the update. I'm off to school, too. Cheers.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Small small small update...


Cute straight guy in my class(italian boy who teaches guitar in public schools) started talking to me during lunch and we got into an intense conversation about exercise and diet and just about anything else, we exchanged emails and phone numbers and we might chill soon...yeah hes straight but Im finding it SO easy to make friends..its unreal...Im very excited about this..I know its something that comes easy to some or is no big deal but I've never been more sociable in my life..I think I carry myself different after coming out to my friend...bri

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I've followed your posts, and had my 2 cents to add, but everyone seems to be hitting the nail on the head. Just wanted to say 'Hi' and I'm glad to see you're getting out there and meeting more people. Though I doubt any will replace your friend; as you know it's nice to have someone to chill with. I got to hand it to you on pulling yourself through and keeping an upper lip. Best wishes Bri.

 

[clorox]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I'm just curious what does your best friend think about you getting a boyfriend? Would he get jealous of that as well? If he did sound jealous could you slide a comment about it into the conversation? Would he be less apt to joke about his feelings behind his jealousy if his girlfriend isn't around? Does he truly know that you love him or do you hold back because of emotional backlash? Its no wonder your confused those questions would have me incapable of functioning...but the answers to those questions could let you move on. And rock on with your new found social success! I need some of that over here, I'm horrible in big groups.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I'm just curious what does your best friend think about you getting a boyfriend? Would he get jealous of that as well? If he did sound jealous could you slide a comment about it into the conversation? Would he be less apt to joke about his feelings behind his jealousy if his girlfriend isn't around? Does he truly know that you love him or do you hold back because of emotional backlash? Its no wonder your confused those questions would have me incapable of functioning...but the answers to those questions could let you move on. And rock on with your new found social success! I need some of that over here, I'm horrible in big groups.

1. I think he would be jealous on some level. Jealous that I can have the emotions and love for another guy besides him and also that this person might be taking my time and my attention away from him. I only think this because even when I mentioned the new people I met in class this week, he sort of seemed odd about it and I asked and he said "Im jealous, I dont want you to forget about me"

2. I think on some level he knows I love him more than a brother. Hes joked about it several times, so that shows me on some level he thinks that.


Just another small update..The last I spoke with my friend was from about 3am-6am late Wednesday night or early Thursday morning, however you want to look a it...We had a very deep conversation..He stated he was sad and depressed..and that he has been putting on a front about how happy he is..He afraid of running out of money and afraid he wont get a decent job..He said on top of everything he is missing me and his heart is breaking..we both agreed that we cant wait until August when I go out there for a week...

He asked me if I would or am planning on seeing a therapist and would I tell the therapist what I told him, about me being gay...I said I dont plan on seeing anyone because since I told him I was gay I have not really ben depressed at all(save for this thread)I told him about the people I have been meeting...and how socially I am changing and he seemed happy for me but at the same time jealous..he even said so..he talked about what hes doing there...and the few people he has been chilling with and he says its not the same as me..he said that he cant thank me enough for coming into his life and helping him out in everyway..he noted that no one, not even his parents(his father doesnt speak to him) or his long time best friends helped him out all...and he said no one has helped him out like me...he also said that out of all his friends Im the only one who cares and looks out for him and that his other long time friends dont even seem to call anymore or when he calls they cant stay on the phone too long.....anyway it was a very nice talk, even though he was down and I cant wait to see him....Brian-thanks for all your continued responses and advice and personal stories...they are an inspiration to me always, and to be honest if it wasnt for this board I dont think I would have had the courage to come out to my buddy before he left..I never quite said thank you...so thank you!

Here is a song I just heard recently called "You're Beautiful" but I changed some of the "shes" to "hes" to reflect what Im feeling...talk to you all soon

"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
He smiled at me on the subway.
He was with another girl.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, he caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
He could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see him again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

 

[tpeezy101]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

^I kind of wish you tell him you had feelings for him. Feeligns that were more than brotherly/best friendly. I mean, I wish you'd just tell him that, but in a way that lets him know that you're not anymore. Something like, "I never told you but I had strong feeligns for you, like more than friends feelings, but now that I'm meeting new people(guys) they're not as strong. NOt that I don't love you, b/c you're still my best friend, but the sexual attraction is on someone else." Im not tellin gyou to tell him that b/c you should, but I would just like to know his reaction to something like that. To see if he infact has closed up gay feelings for you. Too bad theres no way to test it. Oh well, I'm happy for you. Hope you find alot of new friends.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey whats up guys..have not written here as of late..been a little busy with masters classes..back to regular school tomorrow-work!


Interestingly enough ever since I came to terms with being gay and outed myself to my friend, I have had more offers from girls to go out or to go out with one of their friends than ever before, it is quite odd ..Today for instance this girl says to me that my humor and personality would fit in great with her friend...I should have said I was gay right then and there, but for some reason I didnt and just kind of laughed it off..she snuck a picture of me onto her cell and sent it to her friend ...but anyway


I have spoken to my buddy twice since I last posted and he really is miserable out there. Work is hard to come by and they are both down to 800 dollars...I feel bad for him..I really cant help him financially anymore even if I wanted to, I have my own shit to worry about here in NYC....


He misses me very much and he never fails to tell me..he said he cant enjoy it there at all without me...and that August is too long a wait..he keeps trying to convince me to leave everything and come down there, which he says he knows is the wrong thin to do, but he misses my presence and doesnt feel secure he said without me there..hes planning on calling later tonight...


One thing bout my buddys girl...even when money is tight or its good..she has to live spoiled and like a queen..she has to get her nails done, and is always asking my buddy "what are we doing for dinner??" and she absolutely had to go buy furniture to fill her Las Vegas apt...so now because of that they are low on money...

But I miss him so much..and in a way I feel guilty because I am doing quite well over here, socially and with everything else....anyways good talking on here again...talk to you guys soon..brian

PS-Some poster asked If I will ever tell him about my love for him....I think I will when I go down there in August..he has stated that If i was in love with him that he would be ok with that but its also not his thing..so Im not afraid of a rejection, because he kind of already did that..but at least I will get my real feelings out to him and for some small reason one night if he ever leans to going "gay or bi" lol or having a one time experience, he knows Ill be there...crazy??? you tell me..bri

 

[strangelittleboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I think you should do it.

You WON'T lose him.

You have nothing to lose.

If he is curious, it wouldn't hurt if he did know, and he might do just that.

You never know.

 

[LostVegas]

Whats poppin?

What is up good people....hope all is well for you.


Just an update...past few days my buddy have been talking..same old stuff you guys have heard before...both of us miss each other and stuff, saying how things are not the same..in one of our calls I mentioned how girls hit on me now more..and hes like "yeah bri, you go" and I assured him Im not into it..I think a small small part of him thinks it would be easier if I was just straight..but nonetheless he is still accepting...He asked if I ever saw birdcage and he started talking like with a lisp..and I said ha ha funny and hes like its ok Bri I can do that because Im your friend...


Today as I was getting ready for work at 6am I got a call from him saying that hes depressed and that hes worried about work and that he might need some money..and can I help him out??...Without hesitation I said "sure, Ill always have your back.."...Then I let it sink in for a little after I got to work..and Im like...should I help him out..havent I helped him out enough already?...am I bad for even THINKING that I shouldnt help him out right now? I mean i am trying to save and all...I do not know..

I got home from work today and signed on to aol..hes like sign off I want to talk to you...we talk, same shit...he puts me on hold and then comes back to me saying hes got to go soon his friend anthony is coming over..and I start to get all pissy(because im tired from work as it is) and hes like whats up?? and I go I dont really want to hear about your friends your hanging out with..then his girl proceeded to make jokes about how im still in NYC and they are enjoying the warm weather in Vegas...so I was like whatever ...if it wasnt for me her ass would still be in this cold...anyway I hung up with him all pissy an he said to call him later, and I said NAH ill call you soon..and just hung up...I know my friend inside and out..in an odd way he likes that Im jealous of his friends and that I wish I was there...but I know Im doing the right thing by being here for myself....


I dont know...I need to talk or hear feedback...just anything ..speak to you all later..Brian

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

As much as you want to keep helping him, you'll have to draw the line somewhere. It'll get better with time. Your 'tone' seems to be a bit more up than in weeks past. Hang in there, we're here for ya.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey everyone....5:13 am here on the east coast....my buddy called me like at 3am my time and we talked till about 5...he said he was very down and that hes in need of help..and that hes been putting off seriously asking me..and now he needs my help again...he says he knows its hard..but he has no other choice..and really..being his "brother", what choice do I really have?? Of course Ill be there for him...always.

Its so hard for me nowadays in terms of my feelings for my buddy. I DO think about him in that way much less...partly because hes so far away and partly because I feel better since coming out to him...but I KNOW he knows that I love him..its just unsaid..and I DO still love him and think a part of me always will. It really is hard...I mean either I am completely fooling myself or maybe hes just deeply emotional..but I tell you.. I think anyone of you guys would feel the same way if you heard the things he tells me..tonight he said Im like no other friend..and him moving out there made him realize how im #1 on his list of friends and people he cares for and how things are not the same..and that when I came out to him that he laughed inside because he thought me being scared to tell him I was gay was silly because he never will judge me or treat me different...

He said as much as he tries, his friends out there are not like me and are not the same and he gets jealous that I hang out with people here and that hes deathly afraid that Im going to end up liking it here and enjoy myself out here and possible stay here..I said but you moved out there with someone who you have been close with for so many years..and someone who is going to be your wife soon..and he said that its not the same...and that its just different with me and her....

Who knows..what I do know is I definitely by August, tell him my feelings for him...I need him to know...Brian

 

[tpeezy101]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

^Yea I think you should definately tell him. I guess taking baby steps huh? lol. Who knows maybe he'll want to experiment. Just the fact that he knows that you're there and (if you still want him in a sexual way) he could have you.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Definitely baby steps!
And let him know, without being so direct, that you're his any way he wants you.

 

[albsa]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Just read the whole thread. This is very touching. At least you are proud to have someone like him.
I really hope things work well between you both, though I have a feeling that both him and you are suffering a lot this time. I think he misses you so much.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys..it has been a little while since I last spoke to you all..figured Id drop in with an update...


Several times during the week my buddy has called me..and I have called him too. Lately hes been calling me like between 4-6am NYC time...I have to admit I love hearing from him right before I start my day...


The last couple of calls went very well..we both said how much we missed each other(i know broken record) and we just have been on the phone for hours..he says he missed the walks and drives we used to go on and how he cant wait for august.

I told him that I felt a little down the past few days and didnt understand why(which I didnt)...he said he felt depressed too because I wasnt there..he said that until I come down here in a year that he wont be able to enjoy himself in Vegas...He said hes been good with staying away from the strip and playing poker and that hes trying to do little things to keep himself busy..He said talking to me relaxes him and makes him smile because talking on the phone makes it seem like we are minutes away from each other...and that after he hangs up he gets depressed because reality hits him...

During one of our talks he would say some things...ask some questions...
"Bri did you enjoy having sex with that girl that time when we were in Vegas last time?"......."Um..not really bro.."...he made some jokes bout how he hopes Im the man when Im having sex with a guy and that I should start putting on lipstick etc...silly humor...and he goes "bri...no one else can joke with this stuff but me".....

He said he worries about me staying out here and he gets very scared that I will..he said he doesnt want our lives to get different or to stray in anyway...

He also stated that hes worried about money...Hes been telling me this for a week or two...and I said "Im holding off on helping you right now"...and he goes "i know....why is that? do you secretly want me to fail out here so I could come back there?"...and I go "no of course not.." and he goes "well i know you dont want me to fail, but i know deep down you wouldnt mind too much because that would mean I am back in NYC.."....I said "bro two things...one..i gave you help to go out there to begin with..why on earth would I want you to go out there with money I gave you and fail?...and two...Im mature enough with myself to know that even that I want you by my side over here right now that even I wouldnt wish you to fail just so I could have that again.." He goes "well I wish I was that mature..because Im not..I wish for some reason you messed up your job and had to come down here.."

He sad any help I could give would be appreciated....We started to end the call..He said Brian..I miss you...and I said..I miss you too....what I wanted to say was I love you....and even if I did I know he would say I love you right back..but I wanted to say..Buddy Im in love WITH you...but anyway..my buddy used to play a song for me in his car(among many)..He always used to point out the line in the song that I bolded(below)I heard it tonight while chillin out here at home...it reminded me of him so much..I miss him dearly ...talk to you all soon bri

Winds of Change..by The Scorpions

I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change
An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change

The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

The wind of change
Blows straight into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell
For peace of mind
Let your balalaika sing
What my guitar wants to say

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I read that... it makes me hurt right along with you! I keep wishing he'd just pop out and say, "I love you! I want to be with you!" But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't, and that's what you have to live with. Meanmwhile, I can't wait for August to hear how things go!

 

[wishyouwerehere]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You really gotta tell him, if he is not and is the friend that you think he is, he will stick by you.

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Yep, yep. It's been said before, wishyouwerehere said it again as I will too. Tell him. Tell him before you go out there in 5 months. Give him time to process it all. You'll feel better, too.