Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[tpeezy101]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Yep, yep. It's been said before, wishyouwerehere said it again as I will too. Tell him. Tell him before you go out there in 5 months. Give him time to process it all. You'll feel better, too.

I agree. B/c if you get out there and tell him and he doesn't like it, you wouldn't want to be there and uncomfortable. If you tell him now on the phone it could give him time to process it.

Say something like"it's funny, I had a crush on you for a long time, but after a while it died away", maybe he'll ask do you still have feeligns for him, or you could just say you have and still have one on him.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

He whats up guys..Im back with another small update...


I was watching the Oscars last night..and fell asleep briefly during the show..when I woke up I found that my buddy left me a message saying that hes just calling to say whats up and that he misses me...I wanted to watch the rest of the show so I didnt call him back and after the show I fell back asleep.


The phone rings at 3:330am east coast time and its my buddy calling. I answer the phone and say

"What up?" He goes "You...I keep thinking about you tonight." We exchange the same old stuff. He says that "Bri I feel like giving up and coming back...I like it here alot but if you are not out here its not the same and I cannot enjoy it." I re-assured him how quick August will come but admitted to him that sometimes I get feelings to stay in NYC for a while longer than I thought. He said he was afraid of that and doesnt want me to be far from him.

We are talking and BS'ng then all of a sudden he goes" You know if I get married..you have to come out here to be my best man.." My heart sank and I mustered what was a VERY weak "Of course bro, you got it.."

We kept saying how much we miss each other..but the marriage comment is still on my mind...I told him of the song I heard the other day that reminded me of us, when we used to go for drives. He thought that was cool and he was just listening to the same song in his car a few days ago.

His mom came down for a visit..and found an apartment in the same complex as him..she is moving there with her trucker boyfriend. I said thats cool..he seemed like he didnt care too much..and I asked him.."Bro..you got your wife there and your mom(she had wanted to move near him for years since leaving NYC, him and his dad for this boyfriend).."..He said "Bri..I dont know, they are not the same..you are the only one that gets me and understands me"...

The comment about marriage was still fresh on my mind. After a few months of meeting my friend he said he knew I would be the best man at his wedding and he asked me like 3 months after knowing me. Thats how close we got and at a fast pace. I asked him "so when you get married, you have to tell me bro..you getting married anytim soon????????"....and he said "Bri..I dont know..I dont even know anymore...." and I left it at that..I should have said..dont know about what???


After another hour of talking..I said "Buddy I really miss you"...and he chuckles and says "you miss me??? You cannot even begin to know how much I have been missing you..I really wish you could understand..." And I said "Bro I know how it is..."...and he goes "Bri, you really dont"...We talked more and more for another our..till about 6:30, the nI had to get ready for work..We both left off saying "I miss you very much"....There was so much hurt behind us both saying that to each other .....well thats all for now, talk to you guys soon...

 

[strangelittleboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey,

The "you really don't know..." comment sticks with me. I think he feels something for you and you really should bring up what you wanted to bring up next time - the part about asking him what he's not sure of.

Just be casual, say: "Remember when you asked me if...etc"

I really hope this ends ok.

Just be a little more probing next time, but don't go overboard - ease in

strangelittleboy

 

[taketheflack]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

After another hour of talking..I said "Buddy I really miss you"...and he chuckles and says "you miss me??? You cannot even begin to know how much I have been missing you..I really wish you could understand..." And I said "Bro I know how it is..."...and he goes "Bri, you really dont"...We talked more and more for another our..till about 6:30, the nI had to get ready for work..We both left off saying "I miss you very much"....There was so much hurt behind us both saying that to each other .....well thats all for now, talk to you guys soon...

I've been an avid reader of this post but havent commented yet...

This bit got me, did you pursue and ask why he said that you wouldn't understand how he missed you? I don't want to read anything into it but he has a really deep bond with you, and from the sounds of it he can talk to you bout stuff that he wouldn't tell his partner.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I've been an avid reader of this post but havent commented yet...

This bit got me, did you pursue and ask why he said that you wouldn't understand how he missed you? I don't want to read anything into it but he has a really deep bond with you, and from the sounds of it he can talk to you bout stuff that he wouldn't tell his partner.

I didnt pause to ask or pursue it further..nest time this chance comes up I will take it...this is not the first time at all that he has said "I miss you more than you know"...etc...And yes we do have a deep bond, whether this goes further or not, we have a deep deep bond that will last forever. No question. Brian


P.S.-Thanks for reading this and all the feedback. I know sometimes on here I sound like a broken record. Or that I might not really update with any groundbreaking stuff, but its a way for me to vent and listen to some sound advice in here. And it also serves as a little memory for me..I look back and am in awe of how far I came, just for coming to this board..I remember like it was yesterday when I told my buddy, and Im so glad I did.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I'm on the idea of saying you used to have a crush on him -- and then whatever he says, say, "Yeah, and it never went away."

 

[tommy296]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian, I've been reading this thread from your first post and it's a really amazing friendship you guys have. I know you're missing each other badly and that he's asked for financial help from you. Along that line, have you considered flying him back to NYC for a weekend? I just wonder what would come of 48 hours together (without his fiancee around) for you two just to be together and say anything you want without interference. I'm not saying 'bring him back and seduce him' but simply get face to face privately for a few days and really talk to each other openly now that he knows you're gay. Worst case, you have a fun weekend with your best friend!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Okay guys..I am sort of in a situation here.

My buddy called me up last night very depressed. He failed an aptitude test that a prospective job had give n him to advance to an interview with the company. He was and is very depressed over this. He is in a bad way. He told me that he is down to a few hundred dollars. The job that his girl supposedly had locked in while she was here in NYC also fell through.

See my buddy never finished high school and he has never gone back to get his GED. He has made several attempts to hunker down and get ready to take it, but he backed out all said times. He is such a good, sweet kid guys. He feels people judge him on this and he also feels he wont be able to make it in this life comfortably and to enjoy it. Me and him are a lot alike. We hate to work, but we want a lot of money. We want to be our own boss and be able to have lots of time to hang out with each other and enjoy the rest of our lives. He always said he wants to grow old with me as a friend. He said that he thanks go everyday for meeting me in that gym on that day because he'd be lost without me. He said I wished I was there near him in Vegas.

That being said, and despite how I try to comfort him, the sad fact remains that he WILL be probably be judged on his lack of education.

I found out today I owe $350.00 on a ticket I forgot to pay . This couldnt come at a worse time. Im trying to save up. I wanted to buy a cell phone. And of course I have to help my friend.

The cell phone is least important and is material so I dont mind putting that off. I have to pay this ticket off, it is important. I have the money for that. Heck I even have the money for my friend. He never told me how much he needs but based on the things he has been dropping, Im assuming it to be in the 1500-2000 dollar range. He needs money for car insurance, groceries, car payment and rent. I have ALWAYS been the type of person who is good hearted. I put myself before others for so many years even when it was inconvenient for me. I do like helping my fellow man out, be it a stranger, a family member or a best friend. But at the same time, and especially since coming out to him, I feel a greater importance to myself and getting my life in order, financially being one of those things Im trying to work on.

I have helped my buddy out many times. And have given him a substantial amount of financial support. And as his brother and best friend, how could I not help him this time, right? How could I listen to call after call of his problems and his woes and not offer him help?

I have talked to some about this...I have gotten every response, from all sides of everything. I have gotten from my family and some others that he uses me...I have gotten from some online friends that I only help him out because Im in love with him....Some say I need to let him grow up and be a man and stop supporting him and to focus on myself...I have seen all reactions...

Many of his friends and family wonder why hes so close to me and everyone that knows me, is amazed at how much I care for this kid...

I do love him and i must admit that comes into play when I help him, but it is truly and mostly because hes my soul mate and best friend....

My question to you is what would you do? What should I do? I really need advice...BRIAN

P.S. I know some of you are going to say, well you just answered your own question..If hes your best friend...do you really have to question it?...and normally and almost always I dont, but its getting to a point where I need to start saving up and I feel like Im just keeping my head above water.

 

[tommy296]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, Here's the recipe I use to decide when to help someone I love or not. I NEVER loan money - I either have it to GIVE or not. If I can't afford to give it, then I have to say I can't help. If you want to help him, can afford to give him the money without sacrificing your own security or comfort, and you don't think bailing him out again will hurt him in the long run, then I'd do it. This has worked well for me, and has always allowed me to help those I can or say 'no' without guilt. Bottom line is that you know him better than anyone else, so you decide what you feel is right. Sorry you (and your firend) are in such a tough spot right now!

 

[KennyD]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

If you keep being the Free BANK for this young man; he will never learn to accept or take financial r even personal responsability .
By contining to bail his ass out of debt ect. .. you are enablng him to continue to be very mature with responsability ...
IF you really care for him ; the best thing that you can do is to be compassionate ; but do not offer or give the $$$$$ .
I say this because I have been there and just have backed out of a similar relationship .... When I stopped being the bank, my young friend hunkered down .. is going back to school for his diploma (Yes, Dip;oma IS better than a GED no mater who says different ) .... and has ask jis boss at the pizza joint for more hours ....
Good Luck ...

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Money, and Friends, don't mix! Money, and Relatives, don't mix! Money doesn't really mix with anything other than Money! Money doesn't care who has it, and who doesn't! Money is extremely inpersonal! Money is probably the one thing I HATE the most! But ... yet ... I wish I had so much of it that I didn't have to worry about it!

Money has a "Strange" Power! It can do Good Things, and Bad Things, to/for people! It can change Relationships before anyone realizes what is happening! Easy access can ENABLE debilitating consequences! And a lack of access can utterly destroy Lives! If used descretely, it can Lift ALL "Boats" at once! If used indescriminately, it can Sink some "Boats" while keeping others afloat! Money is, can be, a Very Slippery Slope!!

Personally ... I NEVER "Lend" Money to anyone! I ALWAYS "Give" it, when I can! I don't care to worry about whether it is ever repaid, or not! I consider that to be the Receiver's concern! If they care to repay it, that is a "Plus" for Them! And, if not, then I may "reconsider" the Next Time! And ... it seems ... there will usually be a "Next Time"!

I can not come up with, nor do I care to, how much I have Given "Away"! But I do have a fairly clear picture of who will not be getting anymore! Not because they never attempted to repay me (since I'm expecting that from the start), but rather because it didn't seem to make any Positive Difference! I've never expected Anything "Back"! But at least I had hoped it would have been a "Boost", rather than just a Convenient "Crutch"! Catch my Drift??

Each situation is Different! And, in the vast majority of cases, the Money isn't really the central issue! I guess it all boils down to the Integrity, Intentions, and Interpersonal Relationships of all those involved!

You need to ask Yourself a few questions: CAN You HONESTLY Afford to help out just now? Will Your "Help" actually be HELPING? Do You have "Second Thoughts" about being taken Advantage of? Might Your Emotions be clouding Your "Better" Judgement? Are You really Willing to accept the Costs? Is this a "Worthwhile" Venture? Will this make YOU feel better? Is it Practical right now?

There are quite a few other questions, but YOU are the only one that can ask/answer them! And there is NOTHING WRONG if some of those answers might lead to a "NO"! A Gentle "No", perhaps, but, still, a "no".

I'm not trying to influence You! Just trying to get You to take a good, perhaps hard, look at the situation! If You can see your way through to "help" some more, then more Power to You! But, if not, right now, then that's O.K., too!

I sincerely believe that "Things" have a tendancy to work themselves out for The Best!

Do, Please, continue to let "Us" know how all is going!

And, of course (seriously) ...

Keep smilin'!!
Ky

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

6:09 AM here, just got of the phone with him..


I told him about my little problem with my ticket..then I straight up asked him how much he would need..and he danced around it saying how bad he felt because I was going through this ticket thing...I told him I would call him later today but quite frankly I think I might just take a break from him fro the weekend. He made me a little angry tonight, but I didnt show it to him. I asked him what he did today and he said he took his girl to the mall so she could use gift certificates she got while she was here in NYC...and I said what else did you do? (expecting to him to say he looked for work etc,) and all he said was "nothing, just chilled out" He said he keeps looking online for work.

I love him to death but this pissed me off. I guess the thought of his girl having a great time at the mall on my dime pissed me off even more.

I know money is not good to mix with anything, especially friends..but hes my brother..plus I never lend money out, I either have it or I dont...and I do have it and I guess I will help him out. BRIAN

 

[strangelittleboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

LostVegas,

I have to disagree with those who are saying that you are being used as a bank. I know exactly what you are going through. My niece is exactly the same. When it comes to money, she just goes right through it. She never puts forth the effort to save it or put it towards something beneficial. And when she runs out or needs something, who does she come to? Me. That's because I know how to save and manage my money. So, when all else fails, she knows she's got me.

I don't know how it got to be that way. I am a very generous person. And usually, when someone else needs help, I'm there. The only trouble is, I end up forgetting about myself in the process. I have even given up on buying things for myself, such as the 4-track digital recorder for my music. I tried to save up for that 3 times and every time, it was my niece asking for help or my sister saying they couldn't pay their bills and needed help. And every time, I was there.

I know exactly why I do it. What some of the others don't understand is the size of our hearts. People who give like you and me or people who are always there for each other, have the biggest hearts in the world and so we just give and give.

As of now, I am trying to sing a different tune. My niece came crying to me last month, asking me if I would pay for her boyfriend to come up from Rockford. Of course, she asked me this after spending 6 hours at my house and asked 15 minutes before she was about to leave. That pissed me off, so I told her no. She even went as far as to email me 5 times in a week. She even bugged me on instant messenger.

Finally, I just went out and bought a new computer so I didn't have the money she needed. She cried over the phone when I said no, but she got over it.

So, I know what it's like to feel like you've got to be the support beam. I'm not trying to deflect from your thread, but I'm just telling you I know exactly what it's like. When they're right there in front of you and see the desperation or you can hear it in their voices and all you can do is help, even if it means forgetting about yourself.

But, I don't think he's using you. He just knows he has found major support within you and he knows he can trust you.

That's how I see it, anyway.

strangelittleboy

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi LostVegas, I have to agree with the others who warn you to be very careful here. First of all, this guy is not your family--not your "brother"--he's a guy you're in love with, and not in a "brotherly love" way. You'd sleep with him if he'd let you. There's a big difference between friends and family here.

He has used your credit card--unauthorized--already and is now continuing to request help, even though he and his "finance" do not seem to be making good use of their time nor resources looking for jobs and finding ways to survive. These are warning signals...of what, I'm not sure...but they are signals. Perhaps its a lack of judgement (moving 2500 miles away with no job prospect lined up), or perhaps it's something more serious.

I'm not saying he's using you; I wouldn't know that. I know that you love him, and you are likely very generous and have a big heart to those you love and care about. That's an endearing quality. You also need to love and look out for yourself, first and foremost, though. If you have extra cash and want to be generous and giving, fine. If you've got your own needs (paying tickets, buying phones, saving to relocate to LV), then you need to pay yourself first.

He really does need to stand on his feet here and become a man and figure this out, without looking to you for (more) handouts. If he drops you, then you know you were being used. If he comes to respect you and work with you on honest terms of a loan, then you know he loves you on some level too.

Good luck. Protect yourself. You're on a very slippery slope with him and your money.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey guys whats up..


I just read some of your advice and I must really, honestly admit that it was quite hard to read. I felt like I was reading about a different person when you were talking about my buddy.

I know we are not biological brothers but thats what we refer to ourselves all the time because we are so close.

Let me just state some things that I know:

I know he is not using me.
I know that he will not get mad if I play tough love with him.
I know, no matter what happens, we will always be this close
And as much as I am in love with him and would sleep with him given the chance, I am fully aware of the benefits of a friend like him for life and have been making decisions with him, with my love for him NOT in my mind.

For example, I CAN see myself staying here in NYC and having a great life, whether he is here or not..I would miss him..but then again my life here will make up for the missing him part.

I live rent free. Im getting the building(3 story house) here inherited to me in a few years...I can make a great life here.

I think I will help him out, but with a warning that this will be the last I can do for a while.

I appreciate all of your feedback as hard as it was to read..I know you guys were/are being just honest and I love you for it...thats what I am looking for by posting on here...thank you ..brian

 

[taketheflack]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

If you know he wont get mad if you play tough love with him then I say hold back on the financial support, because I think that you will feel like 'this is the last time' each time. Even if he isn't using you, he needs to tough it out. Maybe you are scared that if you don't give him the money he will love you less, which if what you say is true isnt the case. Be open about it and say you want to help him but endlessly giving him money isnt helping him.

 

[Yves]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian,

I apologize in advance if I'm unfair to you or your friend with this comment. I've been reading your thread since day one. I've been always impressed by the emotional connection you guys have. That's very unique and special and I really appreciate your participation in this forum.

I've been thinking about the financial support issue for a while. Initially, I decided not to post my concerns afraid of having limited information and of being unfair to you both. The credit card episode raised a red flag along with other things. I decided to post today based on recent comments by some of the guys. It's not my plan to hurt you, just to raise some questions and suggest a strategy that protects you financially and (more important) emotionally.

I can understand the situation of helping a friend, especially if you have the means to. I'm a bit worried of seeing a pattern here even though in the current situation that financial support may seem justifiable. There is love and friendship involved here. At the same time unequal distribution of resources and potential economic dependence add another layer that has to be recognized and deal with.

In some moment your friend will have to become independent financially. The reality is that you love him and love blind us in some degree (for good and bad). It's not good for any relationship to fall into a pattern of dependency (Easier said than done, I know). He may not be using you consciously but you might be playing the role of a brother who is always available to solve his financial problems (Based on your account, you are clearly more available than his own family). Is that potential financial dependency good for your relationship in the long term? Is this the role you want to define yourself in this relationship? Is a more symmetrical relationship a better alternative? How to address that potential dependency in a healthy way? How to make the relationship more symmetrical from a financial perspective?

Clarify the terms of your financial help if you decide to go ahead with the plan and think about ways to protect yourself emotionally and financially. Try to avoid patterns and work for a more symmetrical/equal relationship.

I apologize in advance if my comment seems unfair.

All the best

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I want to second Yves excellent post above ^^^. He echoes my sentiments exactly (apologies and all). Hang in there. You're a smart guy and will figure this out to your satisfaction--of that I have no doubt.

Keep in touch with us and let us know how you're doing.

And, special thanks to Yves again for writing my post for me too!

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I was going to keep my mouth shut ... but the Money thing always seems to get under my skin! As much as I truly do HATE it, Money, that is, it still bugs me! And THAT is what truly Bugs Me!! That I LET it Bug Me!!

A quick (I hope) little story ...

A HIGH SCHOOL Bud of mine was going through a job loss, AND Divorce. I've known this Guy, and his entire extended family, even nearly married one of his cousins!, for (OMG!) 38yr. now! His situation was indeed quite "Dire", and he asked me for some "help". Even spent several months living with "My" Kev, and I. And though I've never been attracted to him in any physical way, he was still my "Bro"! And though I KNEW "Better" ... since I know him SO well! ... I agreed to "Lend" him some Cash. Not a good move! But I KNEW that going into it ...

We set up his computer system, in tandem with mine, and he was truly using it to find employment Nation Wide. He DID find a new position, and moved to another part of the country. (On MY "Dime"!) He also proceeded to buy a few things, like a new flat panel TV! A collection of semi-precious stones! And other "Necessities"!! Not exactly what I would consider, given his situation, "Wise" uses of "My" Money!!

But the Money really wasn't "Mine" anymore! I had freely "Loaned" (Given) it to him! I was just very pissed off that he wasn't using it as "Smartly" as I had hoped! It really BUGGED ME that his use of that resource wasn't in line with what I would have used it for! But what bothered me more was the very fact that it bothered me at all! (And, No, I never mentioned that to him!)

And now ... he hasn't attempted to repay a single penny. His attempts at staying in touch have dwindled to nothing. I haven't heard from, or about, him for months. And my greatest resentment is the fact I've lost all contact with him! I no longer know where, or how, he is doing! And I wasn't the one that chose to break contact!!

I NEVER pressured him to pay it back, at all! I never brought it up in conversation! But, yet, there was still that undercurrent! And now he has "disappeared"!

I'm pretty sure I'll hear from/about him again. But there is no telling how long that may be! And I still feel it's all because of the Money situation (we're talking multiples of thousands)!

Has this been "Worth" it? No ... I don't think so! Do I regret it? Yes! But I'm also "happy" I was able to help out. Even now that it has led to this, I would probably do it again!

So ... the more You may send Your "Bro", the more "She" will undoubtedly spend! But is that really the point? Or is there something far more "Valueable" at "Risk" here?

You, Dear Brian, are the only one that can answer that one!

I am sincerely wishing ALL the Very Best!!

Keep smilin'!!
Ky

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Yves...wow ...what an excellent post indeed. It really made me think.

KYAnimal...your post was so hard to read ..hard because I dont see me and my buddys situation as the same as yours..it is to a point..My buddy is not going anywhere(well besides Vegas, heh). Anyway it was hard reading your post nonetheless, because I feel so bad that others see him as this leech. I am very protective over him and he is over me. I know some people might get sick of that fact that I keep writing that me and my buddy are very close, but it is deeply true. There are even some things that me and my buddy find amazing that we are so close. We can never stay mad at each other as much as we try sometimes.


That being said...Im in a daze...I feel pretty sad this morning. I can't really exactly explain why, but I do.

I really do miss him very much. Perhaps that is why I am this way. I am tearing up as I write this. I miss him being by my side, I cant wait till August..BRIAN