Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)
Funny you replied with that Green, I was just going
to do that tonight..So here goes.
Well the past few days have been pretty depressing. And last night was really bad. We both spoke during these days but it was all about the "I miss you to death" stuff, nothing really new.
Lately in our talks I have been slowly mentioning that "there is something I want to talk to you about but cant right now.." And he says Bri you told me so much..why not this. But I let it go.
Last evening I found that that my mother is cutting me off from money I was to receive. She knows how much I want to be out there with my friend and I think she is making it hard for me. So this was money I was planning on using for the rest of my masters classes. So I had to take 1800 dollars out of my four grand I had left.
Today was also the day I had to help my buddy out. I wired money to him too. Needless to say I became very stressed. I was stressed about my finances or the lack thereof and this notion about getting out of NY seems to be getting more distant and distant.
I was really depressed about having to go into my savings account. I had prided myself on not dipping into it and saving all I could and to have it suddenly half gone in one morning got to me.
I registered for my next two classes today(4 more to go after this!) and I came home and Western Union-ed the money to him. I had to call him to make sure he knew the password they had given me to give to him to get the money.
I called and he was very slurry in his speech. I asked If I had woken him up and he said no. He said he was finding it hard to get out of bed because he was severely depressed and he was thinking dumb thoughts, about hurting himself(he would never do it, hes just feeling that way) I said I know bro you just to stick with it and a job will come through.
He said fuck all of that, it is not that. "Its about you not being here. I cannot take it and I need to do something for you to come out here."
He told me "No one, not on single person in this planet understands me but you..no one."
He has told me this several times before. I must admit it made me feel good that he was missing me.
I told him I hate hearing about who he is hanging out with out there and he said he knows that.
Our talk then got onto slowly about me being gay.
His girl was not home and out on a job interview.
I tell you, when she is not around he talks a lot better with me.
We got onto so many things in terms of me being gay..
"Bri does Matt have tatoos?
"Bri you have to show me a pic of Matt"
"If you get serious with Matt I have to meet him eventually"
then he started joking
"Maybe me and Matt will become good friends and Ill turn him straight"
"Bri your pretty strong for a gay guy"
"Bri I thought it was funny when you answered that both of you guys were the men when I asked who was the girl in the relationship"
"Bri remember the times in the car when we used to wrestle"
"Bri have you and Matt been trying to get pregnant?"
the jokes went on and on..some of them were IN jokes, you had to be us to get it..but nonetheless we were having an open conversation about things.
I felt it was ideal to tell him but once again I held back..But I do think however that when I get him like this again I will talk to him about it.
He said that maybe him and whoever I am with at the time, maybe Matt could become good friends. I told him "remember me and you are brothers, you are best friends with me"
He laughed out loud at this and asked me why on earth I would get jealous of something like that.
I asked him straight up "is there anything I can do or say to you that would make us not be friends anymore?"
Without hesitating he said "No way..nothing"
I started to talk about something else and he goes "Bri you heard me right? I said nothing"
Well our talk went on and on for another hour..He said that I dont even know how much he misses me..and I go trust me bro..i know and he goes you dont know..
He goes "I even considered ending my relationship to come back home and be near you again.."
I was speechless...I mean he has told me this like once or twice before...The other time was when we were both in NYC and I told him I want to get out of here..he said if I went without him he would come with me, even though it would end his relationship.
He also told me" You dont know what kind of pain I am in. The worst pain I have ever felt." He said when he puts his head down at night that hes not tired and all he does is think that Im not there. He said the pain is so bad he just lies there still, motionless, wishing I was there.
I do not know what to make of those statements
. Do you see why I have fallen for this guy?
When we get the ball rolling about me being gay and all that comes with that, he kind of feels comfortable talking to me and I really do with him. He really likes that I am gay.
I dont know what it is. I think he likes the fact that he has a gay friend. And he seems curious with his questions, but maybe its just nothing more than that. Hes just curious. I said bro would you want me asking you these questions about you and your girl and hes like no, but you and Matt are not together together, so I can ask..hes more like your butt buddy he said to me...
He then asked me about gay marriage and what states have what and would I want to marry a guy and have kids..could I see myself living with a guy, etc ,etc....
We ended our talk and said we will talk soon.
Thats about it so far...update you again soon..Brian
