Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[CGHJ]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Heyt Bri, good to hear you're doing OK. I don't think anyone ever thought you were scamming, strange thought we were implying it but we weren't, so I'm glad that's all cleared up. You're not obligated to update us and we're not upset...we just care

Thannks actually go to you bro...this thread has touched a lot of people. I'll never, ever forget it. It makes me happy to know that true love really does exist.

Do keep us updated when you can if anything good happens...or bad...but it sounds like you're on the right track heading for HappyTown. I'm so happy for you bro!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Heyt Bri, good to hear you're doing OK. I don't think anyone ever thought you were scamming, strange thought we were implying it but we weren't, so I'm glad that's all cleared up. You're not obligated to update us and we're not upset...we just care

Thannks actually go to you bro...this thread has touched a lot of people. I'll never, ever forget it. It makes me happy to know that true love really does exist.

Do keep us updated when you can if anything good happens...or bad...but it sounds like you're on the right track heading for HappyTown. I'm so happy for you bro!

Thanks for the support CG and I will def keep posting here..I want you all to know how it goes when I eventually se my buddy....I want you guys to know every detail...

Oh and I said to him when I come to Vegas the lights are gunna shine just a little brighter and he goes yeah I know bri..and then I go when I coem there we are going to bug out and he goes...I hope you dont think Im going to gay bars with ya..I had to laugh...sometimes me being gay is more on his mind than mine lol..talk to you soon...I going to watch the TLC Show Little People...then trading spaces and then Wynette Reality show ...I'll pop here and there to see whats up in here..miss you all.bri

 

[Lestat62]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian,

It's great to know that you're ok. I'm glad you took some time away from here. You sound a little happier, if that's even possible to determine from the way you are writing. I see you're still hooking up with Matt. Good for you. Keep it up... in more ways than one.

Joe.

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri ...

Good to see you back, Man! All is Good!

Keep smilin'!!
Ky

 

[thehayesman]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Good to know you are ok. I am glad things are working out with your relationships. I think people are more caring than we give them credit for. I fear coming out to my parents, but I think my fear is exaggerated. I know a few other friends I have kept in the dark as well. I'm certain their reactions will be "shocked" but never disdain.

Your story is touching and I am glad you shared it here. : )

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

My blood pressure is better now.

Yeah, Bri, I've been stressing over not seeing posts here, along with the rest. It's great to see you back with us.

The idea for the bucks is to get your butt to Vegas to see Andy's butt. Um, to see Andy... LOL Even if it's just for a weekend, we want to see you two together!

So, are you going???? 'Cause Ky offered flyer miles, and we have a batch of bucks already for you to take Andy to a gay ba.... er, restaurant for a good time.

Actually... yeah -- take him to a gay bar! Let everyone see how lucky you are!

 

[Just_Believe18]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Take the money, I don't want to wait another four months for an update. j/k Hope things work out.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Ok boys...update time.

Got a phone call from my buddy last night. I keep the phone by me when I go to bed because I know he calls late.

Anyway he was calling from his moms cell phone and he was sitting by the pool.

My buddy has been having problems sleeping lately. He kind of always had this problem.

He said he is very lost and confused about life and what he wants to do.

I knew my buddy would get like this because he starts work today and things are hitting him. He doesnt like work..he doesnt want to work...I told him..well..who doesnt really?

He asked me to analyze him because I majored in psychology...I said buddy you called me today and said you are worried about sleep and getting enough of it...I said, I think your problem is not sleep but something deeper..I think you have other things going on..I know for a fact Andy that you are depressed...and I told him you can spin it anyway you like..you can say you are stressed and anxious..but really you are depressed..and I know you hate that word bro, but that is what you are..He goes you are right..I am severely depressed.

I told him hes worried about money and his future and his place in life. I told him his parents' divorce probably bothered him more than he let on and I just kept repeating to him that its not his fault, that they just lost their love for each other and that while they always will love each other in their own little ways, that they chose to make themselves happier. He said I was right, and that he felt guilty..I told him he was not to blame.

He said he was also worried about his health. He said when he feels bumps on his body he gets nervous. To make a long story short me and my buddy are hypochondriacs, something we share and always laugh at. He has bumps on his body that he got checked out and the Dr said was nothing..but he always gets freaked anyway my buddy. He said when he showers and soaps up(um hello ..I was so envisioning him in the shower now ..how could he not think I would???? lol) that he feels the bumps and it gets him freaked. I said nothing to worry about buddy its just your head playing tricks on you....

He said his dream was to be a poker player and make it big and that he knows he can do it, but nobody but me supports his dream and that his girl always shits on it. I said buddy as talented as you are and as big as I always said you are going to make it..being a poker player is a tough dream to have because..

A) Its hard to make it successfully doing that...the people you see on tv are a select few out of millions who have tried. But its not impossible for you buddy just an uphill battle.

B)From your girls standpoint, which is understandable...you guys are in a tight spot right now...she wants to start a life, marriage and kids etc...and from her end shes just worried about that..and shes not really shitting on your plans...shes just worried about the future for the both of you(yeah that was hard)...

C)Right now you have no bankroll...you want to live right now like you are making it as a poker player..but you really are not there yet. You want to lounge around and chill and at night go play poker...thats fine..IF YOU HAVE A PLAN B. You need something to fall back on no matter what your dream in life is...

I told him that hes so focused on his future as a poker player that hes not worrying about the present..hes not worried about his bills, working or his relationship..which I said will end if he keeps this up..He told me if being poker player means ending his relationship he would do it.

I said buddy repeat that to yourself , do you honestly even mean that? He said yes....I go buddy then you have a gambling/poker problem...

I said "buddy I love to gamble, but I can turn it off like a lightswitch..I have no constant itch to gamble"

We went on for a little about this..he had made a comment earlier that I didnt know how to react to..When I told him his problems were much deeper than sleeping..out of nowhere he goes..Bri your problem was that you were gay and couldnt tell anyone...IM NOT GAY...My problem isnt that..my problem is in my head...

In my head I was like um yeah ok...um did I ever say or imply that you were gay or are gay...WHERE DID THAT COME FROM??

Am I looking too much into that line JUBers or what?

Either he was trying just to remind me that hes straight or maybe he does have issues with it...I dont know..I sort of give up...I have a mixed reaction to what he said..while Im not pissed I just was bothered by that comment for some reason...I dont know...Ill update you more later..hopefully he is surviving his first day at work...this week he has normal hours, next week he starts graveyard shift..its 10am he should be getting ready for work now.

I have to go..later tonight I'll tell you how I spent my EASTER with some actors from the Sopranos ...Ill catch you all in a little bit...but please let me know what you think about what he said and also my reaction..PAYCE

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, that "I'm not gay" reminds me of the loud protests I made back when I was still convinced in my own mind that I wasn't even sexual. Now look where I am....

That's not to say he's in the same place, but it makes me wonder. What was his tone of voice -- matter of fact, defiant, unsteady... what?

Dude, get your butt out there and see him!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

he said it like "bro my depression is like the problems you had when you were gay and couldnt tell anyone...but IM NOT GAY..my problem is in my mind..."

I dont know...he was in control and getting a little loud and strong when he said it..either way I give up trying to figure out..when he calls tonight Im going to ask him to come live out here in NYC...

And its funny too, because last nights Sopranos was all about the in the closet Italian mobster Vito...and the other guys find out he was gay...lol just a coincidence though..

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Why ask him to come back? To me, that would just reinforce his not wanting to work. He got himself into a situation; let him deal with it, which means work the job he got, and learn to be content with the situation at hand (without abandoning dreams, of course).
If anything, you should go see him, and encourage him to keep on.

If he was loud... hmmm; that's the way I was, like my subconscious knew better, so I needed to shout it down. But you've got it right; don't try to figure it out, just roll with things.

 

[thehayesman]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

My guess is that he was probably trying to emphasize his confusion about his depressed state. You had something concrete to struggle with that depressed you. Your buddy probably wanted to communicate that he has nothing that tangible, and maybe feels powerless to figure it out.

Just what I got from it.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

My guess is that he was probably trying to emphasize his confusion about his depressed state. You had something concrete to struggle with that depressed you. Your buddy probably wanted to communicate that he has nothing that tangible, and maybe feels powerless to figure it out.

Just what I got from it.

Good possibility -- that's insightful, dude.

 

[CGHJ]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian. I mean this in the nicest way, but I am so glad you're not a police interregator.

"bro my depression is like the problems you had when you were gay and couldnt tell anyone...but IM NOT GAY..my problem is in my mind..."

So, he's telling you that he has a serious problem that he can't tell anyone. It's like when you were gay, but it's not a problem he was born with and had to own up to, it's a problem in his mind.

Now, the problem may be that he has gay feelings for you but isn't gay, or the problem may be that he robbed a bank and can't tell anyone. But when he says "I have a serious problem and I can't tell anyone," you then say, "well buddy, you know you can tell me, I'm your best friend, you know I'm not going anywhere."

What problem is in his mind dude? He pried your secret out of you, now it's your turn to pry his secret out of him. He's getting depressed about it, so do it soon.

Do it BEFORE you ask him to come back to NYC, or once again you'll be reading from different scripts again. And if his dream is to for real be a poker player, he may not want to leave Las Vegas just yet. Deal with whatever's eating him first.

BTW, to me "I'M NOT GAY, my problem is in my minnd" either means he's an axe-murderer or he's always identified himself as straight but is in love with you. He's NOT gay, he's bi. His struggle is not to come to terms with his homosexuality, but to come to terms with the fact that he likes you even though he's NOT GAY. Or, he could have a secret desire for human flesh, you'll just have to ask him.

But whatever this problem that's in his mind is, fucking pull it out of him! He's asking for yur help, he WANTS you to ask, and if you don't pull it out of him soon he will just get more frustrated and depressed.

Be brave and good luck!
JC

 

[cumluv]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Bro I agree with CGHJ. He seems to love one person the most. It always seems to be you. I think you 2 need to get together soon. However if you are worried about school to get that good job. School and work can wait. Love can't, I think deep down he loves you maybe as a boyfriend or as a extremely close brother. I am leaning towards boyfriend.

Ps Hey CGHJ what does that stand for.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Defintely ask what this problem "in his mind" is.... if it's depression without a source, he needs you, if it's depression with a source -- he needs you.
So, yeah; ask.

And go see him!

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Update: I think my friendship with Andy is in danger and it is all my fault.


Let me go back two days ago to Monday. I sent my buddy 600 more dollars and no sooner than I get back I get a call from Vegas ironically. It is from a lawyers office saying that when I left the place I used to stay at, it was in bad standing and now I owe 2,500.00. I need to pay this ASAP to avoid a lawsuit/lawyers fees.

I felt down about this and angry obviously, but in the end it was my fault.

I called my buddys mom. She was home while both Andy and his fiancee were working. I told her my problem...I just needed to vent...we talked and talked and at the end of the talk I gave her my cell # and told her to give it to Andy.

That day friends from work called me and asked me to hang out later that night here in Bay Ridge Brooklyn. With much hesitation(I was pretty down about the 2500)I agreed. I figured, what the hell..I need to blow off some steam.

I hang out with my friends...we decide to have dinner at a cafe...while eating Andy called me on my cell several times. He said his mom told him of whats going on with me, and all he had to say in response to my 2500 dollar bill was "bro..what sucks"...I was hoping for a little more support than this..I said can I call you back...hes like why cant you talk now..I go Im having dinner with friends..he goes take it outside so I did...we talked a little..I told him Id call him later.


My friends and I eventually went to a bar and started to drink...after several Long Island iced teas..I was pretty plastered..we took the subway home and my buddy called and I picked up..I was about a block away from my house...still at the train station...I cried to him, begged him to come home...talked about reg things, etc...I started to get angry also...I ended talking to him by angrily saying "well go hang out with your mother and your wife..I have to go"...I stumbled home and he called me and said he realized I was drinking and that he will call me tomorrow.

Fast foward to yesterday...he calls me...I tell him about my day..he tells me about his second day of work. He said hes going to a casion opening with his girl and he asked me if I was feeling better..I said so so..anyway he said he had to go shower and that he would call me later.

At this pint guys..here is where it becomes dangerous and its all my fault. You HAVE to understand my feelings for Andy was eating at me and I couldnt take it anymore.

I called Andy back soon after I got off the phone with him. I told him buddy..Im going through so much stress over here...I think I need to just chill for a while and take a break from things. I need to work through my feelings and thoughts and just clear my head. He said he doesnt understand and that Im talking weird.

I just said I need to clear my head for a while. He goes so this means we wont be friends anymore and you wont be talking to me. I go no, no no. I just need to get things straightened out over here. He said this doesnt make sense and that I have told him this before..and that hes getting angry now. He said "do you want me to make it easier for you and change my # so you cant call here anymore?" I said why are you saying that? No...he goes something else is going on here...

He said "Brian I think you are confused" He asked if what Im going through is related to the second problem I told him about?(meaning me being in love with him) Stupidly..I said no..but he says he thinks it does have to do with that...He said lately I have been acting weird and he thinks people are getting into my head...

He said two times I said some odd things to him that stood out but being a friend he overlooked them..I said what..he goes I dont know really what you said but it was about 7 days ago...

He started to get me pissed and I said you are pretty good at counting....I go Im pretty good at counting too(I meant my that I lent him) and we just started to get h heated with each other.

And he said that "last nights comment about his mother and fiancee..." was odd also...he said that hes angry, not at me but at this situation...He said I dont know Bri maybe we shouldnt talk anymore..I said I dont want that but if you want that...He said he didnt know...I said if thats the case, thank you for everything and I learned a lot from you and Im sure you did from me..he goes so thats it you are walking away from this friendship..He said he knew this was going to happen and that if anyone was going to ruin this friendship its me...he said he had to go that he would talk to me later..

He never called me back late last night...and I rang his phone once early this morning because this is eating at me, but he never called back...

Im so up and full of stuff I want to say..I dont know what to do..it certainly FEELS and seems things are going bad pretty quickly...I just wanted to take a small break because I know these feelings I have for him are bad to have..and I started to realize he is straight..and I was ta a loss...do I tell him what Im going through or do I hide it from him and let it build and go crazy thinking about it? That was my dilemma so I figured a small break with me checking in with him time to time would be good and allow me to clear my head...but it just blew up all wrong...

I know you are all going to come down on me..but I need serious help..in the next talk with him, which I hope happens....What do I say to him..please I need hep ASAP...Brian

Im worried that this is going to ruin our friendship...its obvious to him that my problems are concerning me being in love with him..this is a delicate situation..and as Im writing this its like Im reliving it and Im getting all nervous..so please any help would be appreciated. Brian

i want to come to terms with my feelings..I came to this realization that I lend him money because I am in love with him..I want to have him come back home because I am in love with him...I do and say many things because I am in love with him...IM IN SO MUCH PAIN RIGHT NOW...Its so much harder than everyone thinks...Im a crying mess right now..I dont need to be yelled at, I need some help guys...please...I know everything that I have done has been wrong..Andy didnt do a thing wrong..it has all been me and my head...

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Im sobbing uncontrollably right now...this is a pain I have never felt.

I could not control my heart or my love for Andy. I fought it like I have never fought anything..I knew it was wrong...It was hard, but my heart won out.

Andy did nothing wrong...I let my heart feel this way.

I cant stop sobbing, its the kind of sob that hearts your heart and your gut when you cry...All I wanted was some time to get over the fact that me and him can never be a WE...In a way I feel I did nothing wrong either..my heart just led me down a wrong path...am I a bad person for that??? I dont have a lover..or a friend over here..and I guess when he left it just made me more confused...I confused my missing him with love...I hate that I was born this way...My chest feels gutted.

I feel so bad that I cant even put it into words...I cant even I see the screen anymore..talk to you later...Heartbroken and scared and alone in Brooklyn, Brian

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, it sounds to me like you're "hitting bottom" and coming to some realizations. Those realities are brutal and it's tearing your heart out. The pain of a broken heart is crushing and debilitating.

You've mentioned you're a student. I trust your school has a counseling dept., perhaps even peer counselors. You need some support, guidance, and help right now. It's time to get going and take care of #1 (you!) first.

Yes, the money-lending and obsessing with Andy all led from that fact you were in love with him. That was obvious to everyone, and is obvious to you as well. You aren't the first one to fall deeply in love with someone you can't have, and you won't be the last--but that is of little consolation to you now.

You have dozen of guys here who have read your thread faithfully and offered up the best they can give on a board such as this. But, it seems like a water-gun on a forest fire at this point. You need personal one-on-one attention with real-time back and forth conversation and advice; someone who can help guide you past these feelings for Andy to something more stable and more healthy for you.

If I can offer one piece of advice from afar: Cut off the money. Stop being the bank. You have your own problems right now and no amount of money you send to Las Vegas is going to buy his heart for you. Again--YOU NEED TO BE TAKING CARE OF #1 FIRST RIGHT NOW. Please, get going and get help. We care.

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

One sometimes has to hit rock bottom to see what is needed to get back up. Take time for yourself and try not to worry too much about how he's feeling. I hope you pull yourself through this, hun.