Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)
This is a very hard update. And one I have been putting off since I got home. I had briefly decided to not post in this thread anymore. This post might be harder than any I have written...and I write this with tears in my eye.
My heart is empty. My soul feels like its gone. I feel broken, cold, numb. I dont know what to say. I am severely down tonight and Im worried about myself. Feelings of hurting myself have come back immensely
....oh..the reason for all of these feelings you ask...let me explain.
If you didnt read the last post by me go back and look. If you did you know I wa waiting for my buddy to call. No sooner than I did that update and signed off AOL, he did in fact call.
We shot the breeze..etc, etc.
The we drifted off into stupid territory. By that I mean my buddy and I have this thing..babyish and immature as it is..we for some reason try and make each other jealous/angry...yeah I know 5th grade stuff..we should know better...ok.
He game me a nice chain for my neck for X-Mas..I told him jokingly that Matt was wearing it a few times..and once when I gave him a blowjob. He got angry and hung up the phone. Ok, whatever. My bro likes to be dramatic.
I call him back, he says its not funny, etc. He said never to mention his name again. He went onto make me angry over some comment about all his friends that I cant recall at this moment...ok.
Then from what I recall we were talking about sexual stuff. Then he went into this story about how he found out a friend of his past lives in Vegas and he calls him up. Turns out the guy is a bouncer/security guy for The Green Door? in Vegas..a swingers club.
My buddy goes" I talked with him and went inside..stayed there about 20 minutes..saw some crazy shit..guys jerking off..girls fingering themselves..people screwing...I should take you there next time you are here.."
He said that in a joking manner.
Now...for several reasons that I will explain I begin to rather quickly be bothered by this.
Then he jokes around and says" Yeah I banged like 5 girls then left..and then he goes just kidding nothing at all happened.."
So right now, I get upset pretty quick and tell him thats a loser thing to do..why would he be even going there? Even IF he did nothing why even tempt yourself?
Hes like bro what the fuck are you talking about...I told you I did NOTHING..theres nothing for you to get bothered by..why would you even be upset by this at all??? What the fuck is your problem...HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME!!!!!
I got really bothered by his tone...So I said well if you did nothing, then maybe you could tell this story to your girl and see what she thinks about it..if you did nothing wrong....and he flew off the handle....so I said Im going to go and I will talk to him tomorrow and hung up.
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
He called back and said I cant say something like that and hang up..stop being a fucking baby and immature.
Hes right on that point..I was.
The situation immediately escalates...he keeps telling me "Bro are you even fucking hearing yourself now?? Its like Jekyll and Hide..You got 2 fucking personalities.."
This flew me into a rage...curses flying back and forth...then my buddy said it:
Bro..I thank you for the money and all your help..but I feel like you crossed the line...and no one ever does that and you should watch your words to me..how dare you judged me..I feel like I dont even know you anymore..how dare you..go ahead and hang up you fuck, because I wont ever call you back.
Verbatim.
I was shocked and of course said that him not talking to me would do him more harm than me...we both got macho with each other and screamed like we both never screamed before.
He said he cant be bothered wit me anymore and hung up.
He called back 5 minutes later and said he cant let this go and he needs to talk it out and what the fuck just happened??
He said after what you have told me about you being gay and in love with me...and how I still stuck by you..you have the nerve to judge me??? ME????? You made me feel so bad and so wrong for going to that place..how dare you!?!?!? He goes I dotn care if I called and told you I banged 10 girls in one night..you side with me..you dont judge me, you stay loyal to me!!!
Of course I shot back there were tons of things he did to me that I could have nailed him on and judged him for but I didnt.
He called me a hypocrite and said that there have been times..that I looked onlien and talked to guys..and even looked at web cams of guys and jerked off..he said well thats cheating on Matt...
I said yes you are right technically..Me and Matt have an understanding..and openness..that until Im ready to cement the relationship firther, thats its a little open..he said thats bull shit and still cheating. I told him ok..buddy..your right..whatever..Im not going to get into a battle of defining whats cheating...Im not fucking Bill Clinton.
We are both still VERY heated..but there is a sense of calming down..cooler heads were prevailing a little.
He explains himself and the story again for the 6th time..I go I heard this 5 times already, whats going to change.
I then told him why it bothered me..well at least half of it.
Guy to be honest it bothered me for two reasons.
One was that I am great friends with his girl. Pretty tight. Even though I am loyal to my friend..I think its wrong that while his girl is getting sleep for her next days work, that hes even entertaining going to a place like this...I said it hurts me a lot to know that..
Guys am I completely wrong on this???? I mean first of all I think its a little weird but not wrong, just weird that he goes to clubs a lot while his girl is at home. But that might be just letting off steam, going out with the guys.
But to go to a swingers club..while your fiancee is sitting at home???
It just bothered and confused me for some reason. I have been that person sitting home oblivious before..I didnt like it..and I dont liked hear about it.
The second was that my feelings for him were/are back..and I didnt even want to hear any story like this.
We both calmed down..cooler heads prevailed. I told him we have anger with each other that comes out in odd ways, such as making each other jealous, etc..
We both agreed that we were hurt..and we both apologized, citing that this was in actuality, our very first real fight..and that it hurt and we never want it to happen again.
This all happened at 2am..we stayed on till 6am talking.
I told him I have not been completely honest with him..and right then and there he said..does this have to do with you having feelings for me..are they still there?
I didnt know what to say..so I avoided it..kind of.
I was afraid to talk guys even though he kept saying we talk about anything...
I told him I knew he was angry with me because he called me Brian...and he never ever calls me Brian..we both got a little chuckle out it..but feelings of hurt were still there..
Ever go on a roller coaster and the rise stops..the feelings are still lingering....and thats how this felt..only it was bad feelings.
Hes said hes worried about how my head is going to be today, considering that I have to send him money and normally I get down anyway on days I send him money.
I stressed to him all through the night even after the fight that this is the last.second to last time I can help him and thats it. He said he would start looking for jobs seriously, but cant guarantee anything. I told him I know we made a deal to go to August like this..but I cant.
He said he never, ever planned on ending our friendship and that I should have known its bullshit because I should have known that he cant live without my friendship with me.
I have to say guys..even though I apologized..an apology which was heartfelt..I still dont think I did anything THAT wrong to have my friendship with me threatened. He threatened me with his friendship, and I truly didnt like that. I also didnt like the fact that he was so willing on giving up his friendship with me over this.
He asked me, some of what this is about is that I always accuse him of cheating and when he says otherwise..I dont believe him. He says thats wrong.
At this point I said the following. I go Andy..if you dont cheat..then you sure as hell make it sound like you cheat all the time..I asked you once if you ever had a handjob..and you said yes..WHILE I WAS WAITING IN THE CAR, MOTOR RUNNING, FOR 40 MINUTES LIKE AN ASS....he said he was just kidding and that he only said that because I was talking about sexual stuff and was trying to get stuff out of him...The I go what about the time you told me 3 months into the relationship that you were with another girl..becasue at that point your girl loved you, but you didnt love your girl..what wasnt cheating??I go ok, whatever..then he hes like I never ever cheated.
I go, I really do believe you now, but why drop vague hints and make it SEEM like you are cheating..is this a macho thing?? Is this something you do now that you are engaged to prove that you still "GOT IT"..what..what is it?? Why tell me that you went to the Green Door and that you nailed 5 chicks and you saw a lot of stuff going on...why even do that..
He goes you talk all the time openly and want me to talk about anything..so I thought it would be ok.
Guys he flirts a lot with women..thats fine thats a man thing...but he talks and talks LIKE hes a cheater..I go bro..if that shit aint going on..dont PRETEND like it is, because you are putting the wrong thoughts in my head.
He then asked if Im down and not being honest with him about my feelings..do I still have them..
I avoided t again...I was chicken shit. Not to say that I had feelings for him..but to hear his cold, hard, reality answer. I wasnt up for it.
We started to end the call..I cried...he was getting worried..he said he doesn't like leaving me like this.
He said he misses me very much and loves me..and the first kid he has will have me as a Godfather...and then he goes well the second..the first will of course have to be my girls brother...I was like ok..where the hell did that come from...it just got me more down.
We ended the call. I went to work. I called him after work and left a message saying I needed a day or two to clear my head, and that I cant send him the money today, not on the head I was.
He called me back twice, asking if I wanted to talk..and that he misses me very much. He goes" I guess you dont miss me..you didnt say it back to me.."
I said,
"I miss you buddy.."
Truth is I feel like pulling back, its too many ups and downs with my buddy. I didnt even feel like talking to him for long today and that never happens. I love him. Hell always be my friend..but I think I need to scale back, big time...I seem to only be hurting myself here.
Im still trying to undserstand why Andy blew up on me..I mean I know he was mat at my comment...fine. Thats cool. Mad I can deal with. We dealt with mad before.
But to threaten and hold his friendship in front of my face like that? I think seomething else is going on:
1)That he was maybe going to go further with this story?? And something did happen..but scaled back when he saw my reaction
2)This time he didnt cheat..but he cheated before??
3)Some other reason..to which I have no clue.
A JUB'er I mentioned this too suggested it sounds like hes not happy at home...Which I always kind of thought...but I dont know why..there has been times hes told me that the sex isnt frequent..and then of course a week later hell tell me "4x a week is how much I get laid..."
He told me on several occasions how he knows his girl is not the prettiest but he does love her..He also said that she likes to massage him..and I went cool..and hes like well right after that she always wants sex....and I was like um, yeah???
I found that comment odd coming from a kid who can think of something sexual to say even about the war going on..the kid thinks about sex almost as much as me.
I dont know whats going on really..I just feel empty.
I know this post was all over the place..for those reading this sentence..thanks for sticking through it.
I will try and post an update soon...Brian
P.S.-It was hard for me to relive this..and difficult to remember all that was said. I cannot begin to describe to you the feeling of calling Andy out on his bluff about ending our friendship..for a brief moment last night...we were both willing to..and its a place we both promise not to go to again.
PS-2-I do know I can and do act immature...and so does he...But that doesnt excuse what we do..I welcome all responses...I have a feeling I will be flamed for this post..
No seriously, say it jokingly and watch him run with it. Even if he won't do it he'll enjoy talking about it, trust me.
...and sure enough the prick 
...he was pretty nostalgic and I said buddy you must have been missing me tonight..he said bro I miss you every moment, not just tonight. We ended the call with him promising to call again soon...will update and ttyl guys..Brian 
...and not the leather, ball gag in your mouth kind either 
...so a big shout out to you all too 
to me and I called him out on it..he begins to chuckle and say that it is Anthony calling 
(a friend of his a while ago that moved down there before any of us did-Andy introduced me to him..and Anthony is the one that introduced me to drugs...Andy hates him for that and doesnt consider him a real friend but nonetheless hangs out with him 
....said some bad things about Anthony..Andy said they were going to the gym.... 
whatever...I get irrationally upset and Andy thinks Im being a baby..but he thinks its "cute" because even thought Im being a baby, he thinks this shows how much I care for him as a friend...
, have breakfast..I get a call...
I shot him down right there....There is no way in HELL Im getting myself A)In more debt..and b)Spending money I dont have.
....At this point hes babbling on and on about the money he could win in poker..and while I should have shot him down sooner..I let him babble...as my anger and frustration would have gotten the best of me..and who knows maybe at the end of this story..he might make sense....well...he didnt...and I told him with all due respect that is one of the worst ideas that I have ever heard and that Im insulted. 
..and I told him we will talk later...
...he goes on and said something to the effect like he had a good time there....
...I told him to call me back later..he goes you go do what you got to do and Ill call you back in a little later..I said sure buddy..I shot a nice load...came on here to post..waiting for his call...cant sleep really...ttyl guys..Brian
ok ok ok I didnt REALLY say that 