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Not for the faint of heart or easily offended...

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Did you hear about the terrorist
that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?[/font]
​
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The terrorist threatened to release one lawyer every hour
if his demands weren't met.[/font]
​
 
Have you heard about the latest machine on the pier at Llandudno? You put ten pence in and ask it any question and it gives you a true answer. One holiday maker from Cardiff tried it last week. He asked the machine "Where is my father?" The machine replied: "Your father is fishing in South Wales." Well, he thought, that's daft for a start because my father is dead. "Where is my mother's husband?" Back came the reply, "Your mother's husband is buried in Cardiff but your father is still fishing in South Wales."
 
There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".
After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"
"He needs a pair of your underwear".
 
What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?

Kids will eat snot.
 
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
 
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got mouth rot; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
 
Q. What's the definition of Trust?

A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
 
Shyboy ~ I originally heard that joke told this way.

What do call a guy with no arms & legs in a tree? Russell (it's the sound the leaves makes ~ rustle)...

It takes two midgets to mail a letter.

I went to the doctor the other day. I said, "Doc, I'm having trouble holding my water."
"Get off my rug," he replied.

This same doctor told me to stick my tongue out the window. I asked him why. He said he was mad at his neighbors.

Hire the handicapped. Just don't let them take your rectal temperature.

Want to get Helen Keller confused? Rearrange the furniture.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. Half way through, one stopped & asked: "Does something taste funny to you?"

Remember those "Can Johnny come out & play jokes?"

Mrs. Smith, can Johnny come out & play?
You know Johnny doesn't have any arms & legs.
Yeah, but we need a 2nd base.

Mrs. Smith, can Johnny come out & play?
You know Johnny has an iron lung.
Yeah, we wanted to play submarine.


Okay, stick a fork in me, I'm done........
 
[font=Trebuchet MS, verdana, arial, helvetica] Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life." "No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married." After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret". "No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough." That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin." Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house. "Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon." "It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin." "Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."[/font]
 
What's the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?

With erotic sex you use a feather, with kinky sex you use the whole chicken.
 
One afternoon at the bank, in a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"​
"Well," said the guy. "You see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I just had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."
​
"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
​
 
What's the worse thing in the world?

You wake up in the morning, your head between your girlfriends legs, a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..

Okay, I'm done................................................ for now............................
 
Why do women have two holes side by side and not three?













So their husbands wont get confused and mistake them for their bowling balls.
 
Why is a woman's pussy so close to her asshole?











So her husband can carry her home like a six pack when she gets drunk.:badgrin:
 
What was Helen Keller's dog's name?

Uumpffftmh.

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was Uumpffftmh
 
[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three surgeons were discussing which types of patients they preferred to operate on. Doctor Waters said, "I prefer librarians. All of their organs are alphabetized."[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Doctor Franklin replied, "I prefer mathematicians because all of their organs are numbered."[/font]

[font=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Lastly, Doctor Zang responded, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."[/font]
 
It was occupation day in little Johnny's third grade class. The teacher asked the students, "What does your Dad do for a living?" Immediately Little Johnny thrust up his hand, but the teacher asked Billy.

Billy replied, "My Daddy is a police officer, and he fights crime!" The teacher responded, "That's great Billy! Thank you for sharing that. Next?"

Little Johnny then thrust up his hand, but the teacher called upon Sarah, "And Sarah, what does your Daddy do?"

Sarah responded, "My Daddy is a fireman, and he fights fires!"

"That's wonderful Sarah, thank you for sharing!"

After each time one of his fellow students shared what their Daddy's did for a living little Johnny thrust up his hand. Finally the teacher decided it was time to ask little Johnny what his Dad did for a living.

Little Johnny stood up next to his desk, brushed off his clothes and said, "My Daddy is a male Dancer at a Gay bar! When the tips are really good, my Daddy will take the guys out into the back alley, and he'll do other things too!"

The teacher was horrified, and she sent little Johnny out into the hall while she gave the rest of the students something to do.

She went into the hall and asked little Johnny, "Is that true what your Daddy does for a living?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, he's actually a fund-raiser for the Republican National Committee, but I was too embarrassed to say that in public."


:D
 
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