Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[RicanDAB]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

OK Bri,

This is the first time I hear you talking suicidal thoughts and now I am extremely concerned. You've talked about therapy - have you taken any steps in that direction? I suggest you contact Callen-Lorde, they are a community health center in Chelsea specializing in GLBT health issues, and that includes counseling and I am sure you will find them helpful at least as a starting point ... see here:

http://www.callen-lorde.org/services/mental.html

I know I am not the only one here that is going to be concerned about this recent post of yours - Brian, YOU NEED HELP ... please take the steps necessary to do that. I am doing the best I can short of being in Brooklyn to make sure you are OK.

I am going to pray that you'll get the strength to overcome this difficult time ... and YOU ARE NOT ALONE .. we may be just characters on a screen for all it's worth but we're people that care about you.

Keep in touch with us ..... Rican

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Rican thanks for the site, will check it out for sure.

Although I felt suicidal the past few days, I would never go through with the act. In fact this is not the first time I have felt it. For many years I went through those thoughts and feelings. The past few years it has rarely shown its ugly head...but I will admit to sometimes feeling this way. This is where the therapy will help..I hope.

Bri

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Have not heard from my friend since Friday...I spent a lot of time yesterday wondering why...then as time went on...I just didnt care. Maybe hes tired of me. Maybe he wants to give me a day or two to calm down. Maybe hes taking a break from me. Who knows...Im trying to reverse things guys. I really am.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I was cleaning my apt..and I happened to glance at the phone and saw a missed call. Turns out he did call, last night around 12:30 his time 3:30 my time. Guess I was in a deep sleep. As Im looking at the phone it rings..its him..he said hes just saying hello and for me to call him later. He was very short and quick. Seemed like he wanted to talk to me, but not get involved. Whatever it wa he said to call back later. We'll see I guess.

Brian

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Brian,

I hope you are having a better day today. I know you have mentioned the suicidal thoughts in the past, but the fact that they are back is definitely a major concern. Rican asked if you have made arrangements with a therapist, but you didn't answer his question. I know you recognize the need, now I hope you take the next step. I noticed you referenced Andy playing therapist for you. I want to strongly discourage you using Andy in this capacity as he is the worst person possible to help you through these issues. I say this because he is too close to the situation and cannot offer objective advice. Also, Andy has numerous issues of his own that would interfere with him helping you. It's no surprise to me that after talking to Andy about these issues that your emotions spiral downward. We are all here for you, but the help we can provide via a forum is limited. The sooner you start to see a therapist, the sooner things will start to get better.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks for the words of support vette, I appreciate them...Bri

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well Andy called, and he said whats up? And why havent I been calling him? And why does it seem like I'm cold to him now??

I asked him how the rest of his weekend went and he said sucky and horrible...and hes down. He's worried about our friendship and where it is going..he thinks I'm pulling back..he misses hanging out...I told him right now there is nothing I can do about the not hanging out part..and that I do miss him too..and I'm not being cold..He said last night he was so down and he really needed me. I told him I was genuinely asleep and didnt hear the call.

I told him I was watching the Giants game..he automatically asks who is there with me watching it......I said no one just me. He said hes down and stuff...worried about work. I supported him and told him he would get one, he needs to work at it and it will come.

I told him I would call him later.
Payce, Brian

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Ok...so I call Andy back after watching You're The One That I Want!(was an ok show..I LOVE the movie).

Anyway we talk..I tell him I'm returning his call.

He's really, really down. He says our friendship is changing. I say the opposite.

I told him well it was bound to change a little because of the move. He said he would move back here in an instant if he had the money. He said all his friendships changed when he first moved out to Vegas..and now it was affecting our friendship. He said he has the best time with me and that it's killing him that this is happening to us.

I told him when he gets married and gets some money this summer...it's gunna seal the deal even more. He will definitely be more concretely out in Vegas. He instantly agreed, and said I took the words right out of his mouth. He said it will be a small church ceremony and then the reception...and that he will get a little money out of it..that he can live off for a while and that's it...but its not just about money he said...it's about me.

I told him his wedding should be a source of happiness and something he is looking foward to, and he lives in Las Vegas, a place he always wanted to be. His answer was, "It all depends on how you look at it.."

We talked more and agreed the friendship is changing some. I told him that if I came out there and he put money up for me like I did for him all the time..hell yeah I would come out there. But he said he obviously cant do that..and I go..of course..I know that.

Things got quiet.

He talked about me and if I'm hanging with anyone...the NYPD guy or anyone from school..and he started to encourage me hanging out with people..which is total bullshit because he wants me to do anything but.

He mentioned his wedding..and said on his MIL's side that there is a gay guy that's going to be at the wedding..and he told his girl to seat us together in the backroom so we can get it on...he said he was joking about the seating part but there will be a gay guy there...At first I laughed it off then got offended..I guess because he's gay we will automatically be comfy with each other and hit it off and have meaningless sex...ok so I took the joke too far in my head..but I didn't like it.

He asked if he should have his girl put guest with my name on the invitation...I told him flat out, that I don't even care. He said why...and I just said because I dont care. Said that over and over. He must know I'm not lookin foward to the wedding.

Andy is very weird. We have a very Will and Grace thing goin on...if one of us is happy the other is sad we try and get each other down to our level..h does it way more than me. So he saw that tonight I was strong and willed and confident...so he throws the wedding shit up in my face.

My stand on that now is this" I will skip the church shit...and go to the ceremony..show up there for a bit and leave early. If he ever asks me why, I will flat out tell him..you have to know this is hard for me ok??

Some of you think Im being a little immature about that and I should just "man up" and grow a pair and tough it out....after all it is the most important day for him...well her at last...he doesnt seem too enthused. I will try...bu if I cant thats the best I can do.

He asked why things are quiet with me now...like he didnt fucking know...so I said "you are right..things are changing..." I said that because I know thats what he doesn't want to hear...ok I never said I was the most mature...so I played with his head a little.

We both go down and he said he's too sad that he had to go..and that he will call me later.

vegas

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri, I still say you should tell him that you're not really comfortable with the wedding when he's been saying bad stuff about his girl.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

And he'll say what the fuck are you talking about? What bad stuff? Get all defensive and crap.

Kul how are things with you bud?
\\Vegas//

 

[_tazz_]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

It seems to me your buddy is getting married only because he has serious dependant issues, from what you've described it really doesn't seem that he is in love with this girl, at least not anymore. It makes me sad, and frustrated. This marriage is doomed, and it is the last thing that should happen. Am I completely wrong here?

This whole story fucked with my head a little. I am convinced he loves you deeply Brian but this money dependancy needs to stop. YOU need to stop sending him any more money and that's it. I don't like the way he's been playing with your head with these loans. He's a grown up, he needs to take the responsibility of his own life.

Brian, I wish you happiness with your life. You need new friends, something else to think about. And your bro must realise you need it. You're obviously a great man, you deserve so much happiness.

*biiiiiiig hugs*

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

And he'll say what the fuck are you talking about? What bad stuff? Get all defensive and crap.

Kul how are things with you bud?
\\Vegas//

Quote his own words back to him.

Things with me? Well, between my seasonal mood problems and harassment from a corrupt, lying government, and no buds here... I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

 

[SunsetsC]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

The thread's grown a bit since my er... expulsion... And all i gotta say is, Bri, good luck mate. Best wishes. And although your deepest and most genuine intentions may not neccesarily eventuate as one would hope, may you find contentment in however things pan out, no matter how they do.

ps. Lil_C_boy. Is. No. Longer. Lil...

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks for the support artist formerly known as LiL C.

I had several talks with Andrew last night and today. All sweet talks. He said hes nervous and about ready to give up and be home to be near me, if that's what it takes to get us back to hanging again.

I told Andrew that I don't want to go to the church part of the wedding and he asked why...but he didn't seem shocked.

I talked to him about being alone and finding someone who is just like him...and I want what him and his girl has...and he goes well there are good things and bad things with it...and he said he would give up anything to have what I have(stability, money, money down the road).

I told him he has everything he needs to start his future...a partner...guaranteed future family...etc...he said it all depends on how you look at it.

He started talking to me like a good friend saying although I spent a lot of years wasted in a depression and hiding from myself and others..that I have to make these years good. And that I am a fun, cool guy with a big heart...and great to be around. And whoever ends up with me will be lucky. And that he is sure I will find smeone soon.

All nice words...but when you are down the last thing you want to be force-fed is stuff that feels opposite of what's going on inside your brain and heart...I started to cry on the phone with him and told him I had to go.

Brian

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri, this is starting to look to me like a lose-lose situation.

I hope I'm wrong!

 

[Alberto_15]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian

I want to let you know that even though I don't post very often this is the one thread I come back to read about 5 times a week. I have actually prayed for you from over here and I too feel involved, it's really hard not to feel involved.

I hope I don't sound too harsh but what you said is very true; you need to grow a pair of balls and grow them quick to do what you have to do!

This is only getting worse not better and I'm very concerned about your suicidal thoughts. You know this situation has lasted for way tooo long, it is so unhealthy at different levels of your life, you and we all know this.

Having said this I want to ask you, what are you specifically doing to resolve this and get out of this mess?


You mentioned you are going to therapy, when is your first session? You mentioned that you feel terribly alone, it seems like a good time to hang out with the family some more and make new friends.

Specific actions and follow-through are a GREAT starting point for getting out of this mess. I am no professional but in my opinion you need to take a LONG break (maybe even permanent) from him. You've mentioned that you want to keep his friendship but at this point I fail to see why you would want to keep something that brings you sooo much pain. You did say that he helped you when you were depressed but the way it looks from over here is you have helped him much more so don't feel like you owe him anything because you do not.

Good luck, we all cheer for you and wish you the best and PLEASE, do not stop posting in February or ever!

Alberto_15

PS. IMO, you should not go to any part of the wedding.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thans for the kind words Alberto, really.

I'm honestly learning more and more to let go of my fantasy. I need to focus on myself and finding someone else.

Still, me and Andy share a unique friendship...how many straight guys you know, have a gay best friend who is in love with them...and this straight guy can't fully be happy until Im in his life..its really touching...and not very hard to see why I fell in love with him.

He called me up before and told me his FILaw is getting cheap with his half of the wedding...etc. So he was telling me about that. Personally I really didnt care...her sad of the family are assholes.

I have such HUGE concerns about meeting the right guy...I hope he comes along.

Vegas

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, Buddy!

I sincerely hope the "Right Guy" comes along for You, too! Heaven knows HE will find the "Right Guy" in YOU!! I'm kinda jealous of HIM, already!! (Eventhough I've got "My" Kev!)

But ... let's face it, Bro! Andy is not, nor will he ever be, that "Right Guy" for You! Granted ... He does have some of those qualities you're looking for. And I can certainly understand your Loyalty to him! (Just one of YOUR many Qualities! Not, or ONLY, one of Andy's!)

YOU deserve MORE than Andrew! (And, let's also face it, probably so does his Girl!) I'm not trying to put Andy down, I'm just trying to say that YOU are MORE than he'll probably ever be! And it's time for You to, perhaps, move on!

Andy seems to be an emotional "Black Hole"! Quite attractive, but, ulitmately, empty!

YOU, on the other hand, are a Radiant Star! Your Heart is big enough to encompass the Whole World! Don't think so? Man! You've certainly "captured" ALL of "US"!!

I'm not saying you should turn your back, completely, on Andy. But ... I do think it's High Time your look in other directions! Including, looking at Yourself!

You're Smart! You're doing Well! You've got Dante, and Your Family, and "Your" Kids! You're living in one of the most Vibrant cities on Earth! And, yeah!, Bri! ... You're BEAUTIFUL!! You have SO Much going for YOU!!

Andy has You in Eclipse! His shadow is suffocating You!

Step Out! Rejoice! The WORLD is YOURS for the taking!!!

And ... You Betcha! ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[hanshansen]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, it is getting sadder and sadder to read this thread ... and I’m sitting here and I can’t help you. All I can say is I’ve been there – not in any of the specifics, but as I said in previous posts, I slid down a hole in an earlier part of my life. At my lowest point I felt trapped, I felt a hostage of my past, I knew it was all my own fault, I didn’t see any way out, I hated myself, I hated all the well-meaning people, I fantasized at nights about walking off the balcony outside my bedroom window. (If that sounds much worse than how you are feeling at the moment, all the better.)

If you’re like me, you will get through this because basically you know what you have to do (I’m not implying anything about what that might be), and a point will come when you will simply force yourself to do it, without anyone urging you on, because it will just seem like the less painful option. You may wish afterwards you had done it earlier, but it won’t be too late and the outlook will slowly get better and better.

I had my doubts about this at the time. I thought (with regard to me – you’re not in this situation): there are lots of losers who land in the gutter and don’t have the will and don’t get a second chance. Sadly that’s true. Fortunately I wasn’t one of them. What makes me think you are going to get through this? It would just be really odd if you didn’t, given your history so far: you’ve hinted that you faced some major headwinds when you were younger, but you seem to have a fulfilling job, have gone a long way through graduate school, dealt with your sexuality to a far greater extent than I have, and seem to have no difficulty making people like you. It just wouldn’t make sense.

You are never going to meet the right guy, because such an animal doesn’t exist. I can guarantee that once you get out the other end of this, you will sooner or later (and it won’t be too late) meet a great guy who cares about you and will stick with you and treat you with a lot of respect. Until that happens you will also have no trouble making friends. Look, one of the things that has motivated me to stick with this thread, with all its ups and downs, is having read your occasional description of what goes on in your classroom, how you treat those kids and how they respond to you. You may not realise how lucky you are to be able to connect to people like that. There are great people out there who would kill to have somebody like that as their boyfriend.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, sounds like you are doing a little better today than last week; which I'm glad to hear. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but I hope you have made an appointment with a therapist. Right now you are on an emotional roller coaster and I worry about when you get down in the valleys.

Given that you live in such a large metro area, are there any groups for gay educators? If so, it may be the prefect place to find Mr. Right. If nothing else, you could make some good friends. You should also explore other gay groups that are of interest to you. I also bet you would find volunteering to be very rewarding.

I think everyone at JUB wants to see you happy. We are all doing are best to offer suggestions, but we can only do so much via a forum. You need to decide what advice is right for you, then take the necessary action to make it happen.