Undying love for my best friend...please read(long

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hi Brian, please accept my apology for being so harsh in my last post. I was really frustrated as you appear to be slipping backwards. I didn't mean to be as tough on you as it came out. As I said, you are a wonderful person with a big heart. I really do want to see you happy.

PS - if the mods want to delete that post, it's fine with me.

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Bri, before you respond, have a beer and some pretzels.

I think the sarcasm above a ways is pretty heavy, but I see the point. Think about it a bit, dude.

 

[damanryan30]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Well it is funny you mentioned vacationing. I dont have everything in my life that I want...no guy yet, no furnished apt, etc..but I do want to travel. Latoya and I are traveling to Hawaii and Jamaica this winter...and I promised myseflf, be it with a friend or two, or even alone..I will begin to travel my ass off.

A week or two ago Andy asked me if I was havign feelings for him stll..and I said yes...I told him I try to deal with it daily and it is not like a light switch that I can just turn those feelings off..soem days are beter or worse than others I tod him.

I got into a heated conversation with Andrew today. I told him I destroyed my life for puting him first before me the past few years..and I put him ahead fo me for he wrong reasons...and I told him I'm done, not with our freindship but with everything else..and Im backing off..I am having a mental breakdown from him and I need the rest to focus on me..

He called me a few days ago crying like you wouldnt believe. I know I have said that in the past when he cried to me...but this time I mean it..I mean sobbing for at least two hours..he said that hes ready to walk away from everything over there...that Im the only one who cares for him...that his fiancee for the most part is not affectionate with him, and thats because of her upbringing...

He kept saying sweet shit..youare m emptiness...I need you to be complete with my life..I dont to live a life a life without you...even if I had money and a decent job lif will be hell without you..Im willing to come back home..or wait for you to come here...but it needs to be quick..I cant wait any longer.

I said "Stop saying this stuff its messing with my head, you have to stop..dont you think its wrong to say your willing to leave your girl for our friendship..dont you think its wrong to say you cant move on and live without me...dont you think thats wrong to say???"

He yes in a way but he feels what he feels..

But Andy said some things that night that pissed me off too..he said he looks up to me, and how we are so much a like..and HOW HE WANTS TO BE LIKE ME FOR THE MOST PART, EXCEPT FOR SOME THINGS...and I'm assuming those things meant BEING GAY. WHATEVER.

The second thing that stuck in my craw is that everytime I talk to him about talking to a guy, he goes "well did this guy see your picturte yet?"

Like WTF is THAT supposed to mean..that if he saw my picture he would head for the fucking hills??? I mean that's what I took out of it...wouldn't you??

He called me yesterday to help him out with 45-50 bucks, and he asked again today....and I was stressed out...think about it..IM STRESSED OUT OVER 50 bucks...MY LIFE SHOULDNT BE LIKE THIS....I told him I'm not done with our friendship but IM SURE AS HELL DONE WITH EVERYTHING ELSE...I'm done with the money, I'm done putting him first and while I didn't tell him this I'M DONE THINKING ANYTHING WILL EVER BE...

I FINALLY figured out why he says sweet shit to me...because he can't say this shit to his girl, she is as cold as a fucking fish...she shows him no affection, so he gets that outlet from me..so he gets to fuck her and have me emotionally...and he has gained everything from having me and her in his life..and I have gained nothing..in fact I have lost financially, emotinally, and mentally....IM DONE.

While I will still be closest of friends with him...I'm pulling back..I'm thinking about ME NOW....not falling for his sweet shit talk..


And if he truly means the shit he says.... then I'll call his fucking game..I'm moving on with my life here...and if he is so miserable and cannot move on, move back here and be with me, break up with your fucking girl and be with me...UNTIL THEN I GOT NO TIME TO WASTE EMOTIONALLY ON HIM ANYMORE.

I told him I'm willing to share my life, my apt, my future house, all my money with the man of my dreams...and if Andy doesnt want to be the man in my life...well then he GETS NONE OF THAT.

TTYL BRIAN

Alright, now...this post here you did around the 13th you need to read and re-read. Not sure if you had a box of wine in you at the time or what, but the light bulb came on here. You then slipped back to the normal routine about 8 days later. What changed in other parts in your life during those 8 days? Were you rejected in something else that may have made you accept his sweet talk to turn? Whenever you start to feel that sweet talk pulling you back, go back and read the post you wrote on the 13th. Print it off and tape it next to your computer. Have a few copies around your newly fixed up apartment.

You've done great focusing on yourself over the past couple months, you finished school, keep that up! You've got some nice new friends, planning some trips, spend thte money there, don't go and visit vegas!

The other post that rareboy wrote as harsh as it may seem I hope would make one think, that one must rule their own life, not revolve it around one person. Live for yourself. He's hurt you so many ways, he's taking your self confidence so many times, his comment about the guy seeing or not seeing your picture is truely how he thinks of you. YOu hit the nail on the head in a past post you wrote that you are his emotional support that he doesn't get from his girlfriend, you build him up, give him money. Is that really how it should be? NO. YOu've got to stop these long phone conversations, need to cut him off more, keep yourself more busy.

Read what you wrote above and print it out to keep yourself reminded of Andy's evil.

Andy is evil, he knows your button's. He's evil. Evil Andy. How many other people in Vegas could be possibly be playing for money? You say you know him, you know everyone he does, BUT...do you really know him? Happens so many times, people think they know someone, when they really don't, they've been played all along.

Re-read what rareboy wrote:

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I guess my earlier post got lost or something.

So what I reaaaalllllly meant was, your bathroom is being renovated. How great is that?!!! Maybe a little selfish though when Andy needs the money so bad?

Andy's sad. That's so sad..... and when Andy's sad everyone suffers. You know everyone who reads this thread just hates it when he cries. I think you should take all the money you can scrape together and fly Andy and his girlfriend and maybe that other guy back to NYC as soon as you can. I just dunno how you guys can be stuck on how he can come back. Seems kinda selfish not to do everything you can to have him close to you, particuarly when it is only money and in this case money could definitely buy you happiness.

Wow, rent free apartment and a pension? Why can't Andy and his girlfriend come back and live with you? At least until they're settled again? All you really need is Andy back now and I would do everything I could if I were you to get him to dump that skank he took up with and just come back and be near you so that you'd never have the pain of being apart from him again for even one minute of a single day.

You know, despite earlier misgivings I just have to say that like so many other people who breathlessly await your updates, I just have to finally admit that the love you have for one another is so incredibly pure and honest; not like that whore who's just using him for sex. I'll bet that just hurts so bad, knowing that she's getting all his physical love while you are actually his truest soulmate.

How absolutely totally wonderful that you are going to visit him, but why not send him the ticket so he can visit you? Right Now. As you say, he's only 600 behind in his bills and surely you can't be so hard up that you wouldn't do this for a guy that is closer than a brother to you? And who are these meanies who are threatening to take his car? Don't they understand that he's trying so hard but just is being dealt a bad hand at every turn? Why don't they love Andy?

Don't they know that he has the most amazing job waiting for him? Once Andy is makin' the serious dough again with 140K a year, those guys who take his car are gonna feel like such complete idiots.

Wow and he would give that job up for you? I guess I was so totally wrong about him all along if he loves you so much that he'd sacrifice his career in Vegas just to be with you.

I hope that you guys are able to talk to one another every day for at least a few hours at a time. It sounds like it is the only thing that keeps both of you going and makes the tragedy of your separation even bearable. I just don't even know how you can drag yourself through a day with the pain of this separation just eating at you. I know I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed knowing that there is just nothing out there for me without a true blue friend like Andy being there to share every minute with.

Life is short and you're just wasting time while you're apart from him.

Oh, and remember to keep us posted daily................everyone is just so worried about the two of you that it is sometimes hard to remember that we have other stuff to do as well.

You need to do everything you can no matter what it takes to create and preserve the perfect world with Andy in your life and by Jupiter there are just so many out here that will apparently do everything possible to help you make sure that there is nothing that gets in the way of that reality.

Better?

 

[tmb1]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Andy made it clear that he is ready to walk away from his relationship just to be back near me again...it is hard not to hear that and look deeper into it...and I have been trying to protect my heart from the nice stuff he says...I'll be honest..I still have my ups and downs in terms of that.

Cmon dude. Please grow a pair and confront him about being gay and being in love with you. You will most likely then be able to proceed and not have to continue(for how many more years?) to "look deeper into it".

 

[Kulindahr]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Also confront him about the cheap-ass manipulative cold fish bitch of a girlfriend -- with all the negatives, what does he want her for???

 

[bobalmighty]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Sometimes people HAVE to be harsh so you can understand. Rareboy's post is simply trying to make Brian WAKE UP and realise what's going on.

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian -

Rareboy said everything eloquently.

My heart still goes out to you. Place yourself first and foremost. Although you and Andy care deeply for each other, "love" (or whatever you call it) shouldn't be absolutely miserable. Happiness is really a choice that you have to make. Same with Andy.

If you live your life like this, you really have to ask yourself, "Why am I so unhappy?" ...and this question can only be directed at you.

Try to answer it in terms that can only involve yourself (and not others). For example, you can't say, "I'm unhappy because Andy isn't here to share my dreams...," or "Andy is living in LV and I'm living in NY."

You can't base your unhappiness on: 1. a situation that can't be changed, 2. a situation in which someone is already in a relationship, 3. a situation in which someone can't even say they love you (or return it or even show it), and 4. a situation that ends up coming back to money (someone else's lack of).

I know that you REALLY love Andy, however, love can also mean having to let go sometimes for the sake of someone else.

The danger here is this: until you make that choice to be happy, the same toxic relationship would happen with someone else, as has happened with Andy.

If you don't make that choice, well you end up basing your self-worth on a glass house.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

What can I say?

You all were right.

I was wrong. I was in deep denial.

Two nights ago Andrew woke me up with a call early in the morning. We were doing our regular talking..and then he made a joke about me being gay.

I don't know what it was in me at the time...but I flipped. I let some words fly and I hung up on him. He called me back several times asking why I got so mad...I told him it was because I was overtired and I didnt like the gay joke.

He said "it has to be something more"

"Are you still in love with me?", he said.

I said I was still wrestling with feelings for him.

He said he does not mind it and that whenever I am like this to tell him so I am not keeping it inside.

I taked to him about how hard it is for me..and why I had feelings for him.

In this conversation I realized with a big degree of FINALITY that he is straight. And I was a guy in denial.

We left off speaking and I cant explain to you how terribly down I was.

The next day came and when I got home from work I called him. He was out with freinds...and he said he misses me and he asked if I'm doing ok. I said I was. He said it sounds like I'm not. I agreed. I told him I'm not. I told him I know what I have to do to move on from this, but that it wont be easy and it won't be overnight.

We left it at that and he called me 6am my time. He told me he had seen a movie last night and hung out with his friends and went to a lounge his friends own. This got me all very down...and I thought in some ways Andy wanted me to get more down. I mean he knew my mental state from earlier in the day..how can he not know this would be worse for my head.

Even though it got me down, I didn't let him onto it.

He told me that the stuff we talked about the other night should have pushed him away from me...but it only makes us closer. He said tht he misses me, wishes he was here so I wasn't going through this alone. He said I'm still the reason he wants to come home to NYC.

Guys, you were right..I was wrong. This is so hard.

I now realize I let a lot of things slide with Andy because I was blinded by love from him I thought I would get back.

I'm so lost. I can't explain the feeling I have right now. Even though HE doesnt feel it..I feel my friendship with him is ODD now....Alot of my time and energy and love and emotion went into Andy..and now this.

Please give me advice on how to make it through this rough time.

Please dont take this time to bash me..I'm in such a fragile mental state...all I need is advice on how to move on from this.

Rationally I know this. I need a life. I need to date men. I need distractions.

My heart feels so alone right now and it literally hurts.
Brian

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I find a nice long bike ride clears my mind. I do some fantastic thinking whilst cycling.

It will hurt; who knows when it will end.

It is time for you to worry about yourself.

I would curtail your conversations with him. It appears to me that Andy is not getting the attention he needs from his Fiance, and turns to you for the admiration.

Try and focus the love you've had for him, on you. Treat yourself to something nice. Maybe a day at the spa, or something.

We can all be pollyannaish from time to time. It's what we do once reality rears its ugly hear that makes us who we are.

 

[Eagle653]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, first of all:

Second, it's really time to move on and establish a life without him. One way (actually, the best way) to do this is just explain to him that you're in emotional turmoil and have to "get over him." To do that, you need to ask him to not contact you until you've had a chance to heal and move on. I know that cutting off contact with him will be painful and torture for you (I've had to do that before, and know how it feels), but it's the fastest way to move on.

Then, you need to construct a life in the here-and-now and in NY. Find friends, renew acquaintances, set dates to do things these friends and acquaintances. Date if you want, but know that no one will measure up to Andy right now. So, don't "rebound" but just let yourself be open to things as they come.

After you've mentally moved on, then you can deal with Andy again. So, this doesn't have to be a permanent cut-off or anything, but you really cannot quit smoking by continuing to smoke (if you get my drift).

Good luck. We're all with you, Brian.

 

[texan_slant]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Hey Brian,

I am glad that you're clear enough to elicit want what kind of advice you want from us. First and foremost - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Here are some things to think about -

1. Cut off contact from Andy for awhile, and tell him that you need some space. If he was a true friend, though he wouldn't like it, he would accept it.

2. Continue to concentrate on your career path - you have really excelled in that arena.

3. Make new friends or contacts, but don't pressure yourself to "date".

4. Promise yourself to do something special for yourself every day - even if it means just taking a few minutes to meditate or listen to some tunes.

5. Continue to walk the dog, and find a form of physical activity or exercise that you enjoy. Maybe step the walk up into a "run with the dog" - even if it's only for 20 minutes.

6. Offer up some volunteer time somewhere in your community. Sometimes this puts your life all into perspective.

Last of all, you said that you "need a life". Don't forget - you HAVE a life, but you're just not concentrating on it right now - because of Andy.

You are blessed with family, friends, education, you live in the greatest city of all - NYC, you have a dog, AND...you're ALIVE. My friend - do what you can to embrace it and remember how valuable you are and what you have to offer. Remember your students and how much they respected you? That doesn't just come out of knowhere. You earned it because you a good person, and you have something to offer.

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, I think we have all been guilty of being blinded by love at one time or another. The important thing is that you realize the true situation and take the steps necessary to change it.

The guys above have given some really good advice. There are three things I would advise:

1) Cut off contact with Andy until you have time to get over your feelings for him. That will probably take a few months. I know it will be hard, but it's really what you need to do to get yourself on the right path.

2) Keep yourself busy. It really doesn't matter what you do to keep busy, but just keep busy so you don't have time to sit around thinking about Andy.

3) Get some counseling. This is going to be difficult for you to deal with and some professional help will make it easier.

Good luck! I'm pulling for you!

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Brian, Buddy! (If I may be so "Bold" as to "assume"!)

There is, indeed, Someone who has the Strength, Fortitude, Gumption, "Will", and Smarts, Plus a Huge Heart, that can help You! He is as close as Your nearest Mirror!!

Throughout this entire "Journey", ONE Guy has been emerging with "The Right Stuff"! And, that is YOU!!

I know! You have been "consumed" with the "wiles" of Andy! And, through it all, have been underestimating, and, perhaps, undermining, Yourself! I know it's "tough"! And, I know it isn't/hasn't been Easy! But, You've made it this far! And, You're headed in the right direction!!

YOU have SO Much going for YOU!! Take a Good Look! When ALL is said, and done, You ARE a Winner!! (And, Andy is such a Loser! ... Really!!)

Sometimes, our Hearts get "distracted"! And, Andy is certainly a well skilled, manipulative, "Needy", appealing Dude! But, that also makes Him "Poison"!

I'm not trying to "rip down" Andy! Heaven knows He has his own "crosses" to bear! But, that is just "That"! They are HIS Problems ... and shouldn't be Yours!!

YOU are Bright! YOU are Young! YOU are a Tremendous Guy! And YOU have more going for You than You probably "Know"!! EVERYONE You've mentioned, besides Andy, ADORES You for the "Right" reasons!! There HAS to be Something to That!!

What's that, Dante? Time for a walk? Phone ringing? What phone??? Let's GO, Boy!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

You've been given good advice. Follow it to the letter.

You might pretend that Andy has actually died and recongnize that you have to move on; that you'll never have this person in your life again.

You know my feelings. Until Andy packs his box of earth and moves back to Transylvania I won't think you're safe from him. I will be fully expecting your next post will be about how he called you up and told you that he can't bear to not have you in his life blah blah blah and could you lend him fifty to tide him over.

If you really have reached the ah-ha moment and realize that you're not going to get him in the sack, then maybe you can actually move on.

Hopefully you'll find someone to have a healthy and normal loving relationship with. I suspect that this is going to take a bit of time now because you have invested so much of yourself in this fantasy.

In the meantime, you'll find that the sun will still rise tomorrow morning and that the world keeps turning.

You'll be just fine; put your energy and love into the students you teach.........they'll be worth every bit of your attention.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Thanks to you all for all the advice and support.

RAREBOY you said this: Hopefully you'll find someone to have a healthy and normal loving relationship with. I suspect that this is going to take a bit of time now because you have invested so much of yourself in this fantasy.

You hit it right on the head. I have invested so much time/emotion/energy into this fantasy, that right now I feel empty..even when talking to Andy. I feel like a big part of my interest in talking to him was that hope that there might be something or a fleeting chance.

Now that I know nothing will come of anything, there is this big thing that is just not there anymore. And my heart tells me our friendship will get cold a little, which I think it needs to.

How do I deal with this? Anyone?

Rare boy, your advice, seems to be always dead on and I always hated you for it...well at least your posts anyway. I realize they were well intended for me. You seem to really know my situation well..thanks. And sorry for coming down on you. And just so you know(roll your eyes all you want), there will be no posts from me talking about how Andy misses me and all that crappy shit. Im in many ways, so over it.

BRIAN

 

[rareboy]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

I trust you know I only wish the absolute best for you.

 

[LostVegas]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

So after said yesterday " well..im here..you can call me anytime.."

I didnt. I didnt call him at all today. And he has not called me. I guess hes playing the who is going to cave in first game. Wont be me, so wont be me. Im also not taking anymore of his late night calls. If he wants to speak to me, its got to be at a normal hour since work has started for me.

TTYL

P.S.Spent the whole day out with Latoya shopping and chilling, took my mind off a lot of shit.

 

[Kyanimal]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Yes, Bri! There is a Light at the end of the tunnel! And, no, it's not an oncoming train!!

I "feel" that YOU are beginning to see that, now! Each step forward is just that ... a step Forward!

YOU can DO This!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[looseliam]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Fantabulous! Sometimes the toughest step is the first one.

Good on you!

 

[backpacker]

Re: Undying love for my best friend...please read(long)

Now that I know nothing will come of anything, there is this big thing that is just not there anymore. And my heart tells me our friendship will get cold a little, which I think it needs to.

How do I deal with this? Anyone?

Hi Brian,

The best way to deal with this is to follow the advice that so many gave preceding your post. You are at a crossroad and the path you choose will make all the difference. You have been at this crossroad before, but chosen the wrong path and ended right back at the same place. This is not the first time your have realized that nothing is going to come of your relationship with Andy, but in the past you have continued talking to him and were taken in again by his sweet talk. The path you need to take this time is cut off contact with Andy for a long period of time until you can get emotionally over him. This will probably take months.

The second thing you need to do is keep busy. Find some groups to join. In NYC, there is probably a gay group for any interest you have. You will meet some new people and make some new friends. You may even meet someone special, but don't go there expecting it. I know you don't like therapy, but I really think you could benefit from it. You need to learn how to develop healthy relationships and how to avoid unhealthy relationships like you have with Andy.

I know cutting off contact with Andy will be extremely difficult. Believe me, I know. My first boyfriend was my best friend, my soul mate. We were both in denial at the time and after we crossed the sexual line, it sent both of us into some behaviors that weren't healthy. We both continued to date girls and tried to write off the sex as just two drunk, horny guys. The problem was that we were in a very deep emotional relationship, slept in the same bed most nights and even had a joint bank account. The dating of girls caused a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. After about a year of a love - hate friendship/relationship, I finally had to make a clean break. I loved him so much, but I couldn't continue having my heart ripped out over and over again. I had no doubt that he loved me very much as well, but it just wasn't healthy. The first one month was the worst month of my life, but after that things started to get better. I occasionally think about him, but I know I did the right thing.

When people advise that you need to cut off contact with Andy, we really do understand that it will be extremely difficult. We don't make that suggestion lightly. We understand the special feelings you have for Andy. Please understand, most of us have life experiences that we are basing our advice on. If we didn't think it was necessary, we wouldn't recommend it.

I wish all the best for you.